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I bet your ass she's got a cheater phone she's communicating with him somehow. And if she stopped it won't stay stop be very very wary

Just divorce her and put this misery behind you.

Stevens thank you as that is my intended course, thank you for your viewpoint.

Midnight you sound like the voice in my head I kick myself over all of this with. On the excuses point you made, you're dead on and I was saying that to myself all the while still typing it.

I am a man and can be stubborn, but I rule my roost with reason and rarely make a major decision without con census.

I am a man and can be stubborn, but I rule my roost with reason and rarely make a major decision without con census.

What does this mean? This statement is is incorrect. What do you rule? What major decision have you made with consensus? Your wife is having an emotional affair and you have done nothing about it. You need to work on strengthening yourself. You are in for a very difficult two weeks and foreseeable future in the limbo you have created. You need to drink some of that milk you went and got. So are you saying you are going to the store for milk and never come home? Innuendos and other such nonsense are not helpful IMHO. Stop the madness and crazy speak. You need to be firm and direct with your wayward wife. You have been told how to establish boundaries. Review what has already been suggested to you. You have been given great advice by many posters and are resistant to getting out of infidelity. Just follow Stevesn' s advice as a start. You need to seize the narrative. In two weeks she could be flying to Belgium or posting nudes for the fellow to masturbate with. She probably has already done so. Have you ever thought about disconnecting your Wi-Fi or Internet connection so that she does not have access. Let her pay for her jollies herself. Have you ever told her that she is free to communicate with this man and play this game with him all she wants just not as your wife? Are you really having her served? Maybe it is time for you and her to get offline and out of the fantasy world and start living in the real one. I am so sorry you are in this situation and struggling.

Today started off with drama and when it wasn't finance or kid based I opted out and went to run some errands one of which was dropping off paperwork at the attorney's office which will be filed/served in 11 days unless I contact and state otherwise.

After coming back we wound up going to see deadpool 2 together and I kept conversation light, overall it was a good time. I almost felt bad talking in the paperwork until..

We got back home, within 20 back w her online beau. I had better stuff to focus on so I went to work on me. Later she comes in to tell me he dropped the "L" word, yep love. She expressed concern maybe it had gone too far ... and wasn't sure what to do so I left her with her thoughts.

Later she comes back and fesses up that she said it back to him. obviously she had forgotten that detail in the first telling.... I suspect she thinks I am still snooping so she came clean though she swears she just wanted to be honest.

However, after admission she said it back, the excuses started coming and how it was just role play and did not meaning anything. I calmly stated with the last week or so you'd think she could have a little more self control and I let it be... I may have the papers sent sooner than 11 days now, but this is working to keep my emotions dulled. 180 is saving my ass right now and thanks to those of you who had me move on getting my ducks in a row. Coming here was a smart move and you have been of immense help.

I know there are many others here suffering with much more "real" affairs. So I appreciate the time so many of you have taken to respond to my situation. I'll try and keep this thread updated with developments and setbacks, progress in the hopes it may help someone else after my D Day passes.

[This message edited by DeepFeeler at 6:08 AM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

I know there are many others here suffering with much more "real" affairs.

You do not need to apologize for posters coming to your aid. This statement is incorrect. Do not minimize her affair. You may wish to read up on emotional affairs. They can be deadly to marriages. Your wife has told another man SHE LOVES HIM. This is about as real as it gets. We see all types of infidelity on this website. I can assure you, your situation qualifies. I would not say meaningless sex involving penetration is more harmful than your wife giving her heart to another man and telling him she loves him. Cheating hurts and is destructive regardless of type and specific situational characteristics. Also, the only thing that is preventing the situation from becoming physical is the distance between the parties involved.

My second suggestion is to please read up again on the 180. What you are doing is not it. Maybe parts involving conversation IDNK. Going to the movies to see Deadpool 2 with her is not utilizing this method to gain space for yourself and detach.

What is your desired end result? Are you done with the marriage? Do you wish to reconcile or divorce or do not know? Both paths run in parallel for some time. Have you told your wife she can continue in her emotional affair but not as your wife? Do you want the divorce papers being served to her to be a surprise? After they are served are you proceeding to divorce or are you hoping this will wake her up and you tell her she has until the divorce is final to convince you to stay in the marriage? This information well help the "helpers" assist you in their responses.

Ripped in response to your queries;

What is your desired end result? I am a fool, but I would like to save my marriage but I don't know if I should. The continual lies and half truths .. Can a person truly move forward after that and heal.

Are you done with the marriage? In my head I am but my heart is not fully in compliance.

Have you told your wife she can continue in her emotional affair but not as your wife? Yes, we have had two very clear discussions around that singular point.

Do you want the divorce papers being served to her to be a surprise? Yes I do, I hope on some level it breaks through the fog but if not I am fully prepared to follow through and walk the walk if for no other reason than regaining my self respect.

After they are served are you proceeding to divorce or are you hoping this will wake her up and you tell her she has until the divorce is final to convince you to stay in the marriage? I hope it wakes her up but I don't have much hope in that being the result.

I came home for lunch today as I hadnt eaten for a day or so and felt like the knot in my gut was starting to feed on my organs. She was home... I came in and made some lunch and she started in about how she talked to him this morning and they decided the love comments were akward blah blah blah fog talk.. And they weren't going to do that anymore and their thing wasn't real. I mumbled something like IDGAF under my breath then just nodded and told her that's not my business anymore.

After her reaction and discussion from him saying he loved her the night before I thought there may have been some clarity, instead she started with how for the last 12 years she has been lonely.. (Primer prep, this is where the relationship history gets rewritten) And how she finally found someone to talk to and their relationship had evolved, this is where I smiled and said I hope that works out for you especially after those last 12 miserable years and walked on.

I reminded her how she was shocked at herself for crossing her own boundaries with the phone then chat outside and said it sounded like this one was way off the rails but that she should find someone to dig into that a little deeper with because it sounded like there was a problem in her relationship that needed fixing. Half thinking she might see the similarity with our very real one but, nope the fog is real.

There was an attempt at crocodile tears but when it didn't have the desired effect she quickly went back to blaming our lack of communication, my working all the time etc...

It's like sometimes I can see her in there, buried in the fog and I think If I say or do something she may hear/see something and snap out of it but that hope, like the burning love I once had for her is dying out.

Yes I failed here and didn't keepdiscussion to kids and finances. The dead pool 2 movie fiasco was a misguided attempt on my part to "make the marriage a better place to be".

Yea the Deadpool 2 was a mistake - It's called the pick me dance. You shouldn't be competing with OM. He isn't real, he's emails and phone calls and games...You need her to be ALL in or not at all...right now she's treating you like a friend. Gossiping about her bf saying I LOVE YOU. You handled that well. Detach. You don't need to listen to her rewrite your marriage. You know what it was, she's just giving herself excuses to treat you this way.

180 seems to be working for you but you need to stick to it for awhile. Finances and kids only.

Also if she seeing the D papers causes the fog to lift plan what you are going to say. What you will ask for. You need complete transparency - Remove passwords to the phone and computer. NC of course. You also need to see her send the OM the NC letter. She needs to get rid of that game and I'd say any games that involve communication. Think about what you would need to feel safe.

"Later she comes back and fesses up that she said it (i luv u) back to him."

She's re-living high school. She's no wife. You're married to a teenager who sees you as a father figure. Run.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:14 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday)]

Freeme, I'm not sure what I'll ask for or even if I could trust again if she said she would x,y,z after the D papers are served.

She did offer full transparency with phone/emails/Facebook/PC last night I'm just not sure I want to follow through with examining it all, I have experience with digital forensics. I had explained to her that if I look I'm not going to casually browse. This illicited fear in her eyes so I'm not sure while trying to be detached if I should put myself back in that rabbit hole despite falling face first off the plan this afternoon.

I've seen enough to know this isn't casual friendship. The way she fought to maintain the friend connection that even now she states held her through the 12 years of (insert fogspeak here). I reminded her the two of them only knew each other a few weeks which slowed her only a few seconds and she began grasping at straws so I strolled on.

I did make a horrible mistake in that I allowed myself to be seduced today, I saw it coming, I started to get away but my lower base impulses took over. It was anything but lovemaking on my end and I couldn't even look at her during the act and While we have had wild fun in the past together I have never had angry sex with my wife. I even held out for her, why I did or why it even mattered to me I don't know. I'm less than pleased with myself over it and more so because not uûeven 5 minutes later she said she was going to give her bf sloppy seconds and ran to the pc. I was dumbfounded as this is so far outside anything I could imagine her ever saying, that was simply not my wife.

I'm starting to think the twilight zone / outer limits is a real thing and I unknowingly crossed over. I deserve any chastising and I know this has to be a cardinal sin in this situation, but well there it is, good bad and ugly.

It's a mistake I can't repeat, I got the blankets out and stashed my pillow, it's couch/recliner for me moving forward. I'm not crying in my pillow over it but I didn't like the change I felt in myself afterward/during I think somewhere inside me a light went out and I have no one to blame that on but myself.

because not uûeven 5 minutes later she said she was going to give her bf sloppy seconds and ran to the pc.

Wow. Just, wow. I hope this shoved your heart more fully in compliance.

So sorry for this train-wreck you have been riding. Stay the course. Get out of it as fast as you can.

Now we got additional information to work with. Do not worry about your actions in the past, the movie, or sex. You are trying. Be kind to yourself.

Your wife has significant investment in this EA. She is addicted to the game and the OM. That is why you are getting the resistance from her. To paraphrase you are cutting her off from her fix. Her response demonstrates where she is at. She is in "make believe" and nothing she does or says will make sense. Treat it as wayward speach and behavior. Until she is under the care of an IC or other therapy/methodology to stop the EA and prevent recurrence, her wayward activities will continue.

You have decided you don’t want to share your wife. But, you can’t force her to be with you. She walks across boundaries because she is in need of the fix from the EA. So, create conditions that make HER choose, and do so while making YOU an attractive option. This requires her to get back to reality.

The following is a suggested path of action. As with anything on SI, "take what you need and leave the rest."

1. Get out of infidelity

Tell your wife that you love her. Tell her you love her so much that you don’t want to impede her ability to be happy. You love her so much you can’t even contemplate sharing her. That if she must play the game, continue the emotional affair, and she loves someone else more than you -- then you accept that. You accept that you two are no longer a couple. Three is a crowd. Tell her you want the best for her because of your love. (Keep you composure when you say this.)

Let her have it. - game and OM. Let her have her “happiness”. Something tells me once she has what she wants, eventually she will figure out this is not what she needs or desires.

She is totally free to be in the game with OM. You are happy that she is happy. Only – she can’t do so as your wife.

You are OK with that decision. You realize that a relationship can’t be healthy if one is more into it than the other. It’s not what you want, but it’s what it is. You can’t make her unlove OM, and you can’t accept sharing.

Now YOU start whatever is needed to get out of infidelity.

This includes detaching. It includes stop doing things as a couple. It includes not making expectations to her on things that couples expect of each other: No sex, you don’t make her dinner, she doesn’t do your laundry… You simply start detaching. The 180 is your tool to make this happen. Do not speak to her about the marriage or any other aspect of your life. Do not engage in any of the tactics wayward spouses utilize to justify their behavior.

You may also include all actions needed to start the formal dissolution of your marriage. This choice is yours. The path of reconciliation and divorce run parallel for some time. You do not have to make a decision at this time.

She wants to talk to you about how she feels about the game or for OM:

“That’s great. It’s not relevant, though is it? Your choice to be with him in an emotional affair sort-of fired me from being your husband and I am doing all I can to detach.”

She wants to talk about the game and what she will do tomorrow in make believe:

“I hope you have an great time. I really want you to be happy. I’m working on my future so I won’t be doing that with you.”

Get it? You give her what she wants. When she sees what the emotional affair is going to cost… her tune may change. Except, you now control the narrative and you do what you wish. Now it is on your terms. By default, then YOU too are free to do what you want.

#2 Make it real

Your wife knows what she’s doing isn’t acceptable, yet she does it while it’s all romantic and riding unicorns in the sand along the beach at sunset in make believe. She is getting to have her EA and real life husband at the same time - cake eating. There is no reason for her to make any changes. Make it Real. Make her deal with reality by responding to her actions for what they are -- deluded and selfish cheating. Let her see her unicorn has a horn made of paper mache mounted on an old nag. He is a fantasy. Withdraw all support - financial included. Give these responsibilities to the other man in "make believe." Separate your finances and anything else you desire. Her source for companionship, money, and care will now come from the game and the other man. Tell her this when she has questions about finances, dates, needs new clothing, Etc. Tell her she needs to "go play the game" that is the basis of her life now.

#3 Document

Document her behavior, amount of time spent in the game, and examples of interaction and involvment with other man/men. At some point in the future she will be shocked to see what she has done IMHO. This will prevent her from minimizing her actions and denying an EA occurred also.

This information will be beneficial to ICs or anyone else that you may need to disclose the EA to.

I understand the need to keep the trauma to a minimum at this point. If it is too much, then do not do it. Take care of your own health.

Now because of the toll her EA has had on you and because reading or seeing what she has done may produce further trauma, you do not wish to access her activities. In the future you will need access to the game and her behavior if you reconcile. You will need to verify her behavior and that she is not in contact with other man/men.

#4 Figure out your needs

Assuming she is worthy of reconciliation and demonstrates capability for doing so, identify your specific items or deal breakers you require from her in order to reconcile i.e. no contact with other men, stop the game, access to all electronic devices and applications, IC to prevent future EA's , Etc

Note: OM may be playing her for a fool. At some point he may request money from her or have her fund a trip to meet up. Keep this in the back of your mind.

Post often, we are here to support you as you journey out of infidelity

Here's you some phrases that work well when employing the 180. The first four are all you really need. I kept them with me on my phone for reference. They will become automatic. No additional confrontation is nice.

* I am not Okay with that

* I see things differently

* That is interesting

* It's unfortunate for you that you feel that way. OR I'm sorry you feel that way.

* It is hard to hear your words when your actions speak so loudly.

* You do what you feel you have to do. I will do the same.

I did make a horrible mistake in that I allowed myself to be seduced today, I saw it coming, I started to get away but my lower base impulses took over.

It happens you fall off 180, just get back on again. Now you know that sex isn't going to make you feel better about the relationship, it will make you feel worse.

I think she is having a hard time with you doing the 180. She seems to be reaching out more but it's more of a check the box, make sure I still have Deepfeelers attention, then back to OM. She sees you detaching but only cares enough to reassure herself that you still want her then it's back to OM. I think she will be surprised when she gets the divorce papers.

Read over the 180 again and again. Really stick to kids and finances, use the suggested conversation stoppers.

Does she work outside the home?

Sorry for your situation.

ALL you are doing waiting (what, 7 or 8 more days) for her to be served is pain shopping! If this is not IN YOUR FACE apparent you sir are in the fog.

Get yourself out of infidelity.

My opinion, tell her NOW you have filed, she is going to be served in the next few days and you are moving on. If you are wanting a last ditch “shock” to try to save your marriage, this is it. I actually think you’ve waited too long, I cannot understand your lack of urgency. In 7 or 8 days your WW will be planning a trip to Amsterdam or where this kid is (if she already isn’t).

Tonight she broke down and had a good long cry, I wanted to be sympathetic but didn't know if it was because she called off all their contact outside of the game today or because she realized how badly she hurt me. ( I do know the answer, it's just hard to face.)

She said they had the chat on snapchat this morning but I doubt that's all that was discussed, if at all. I told her those do not really disappear and I would like to pull the deleted/removed messages w a forensic app.. She balked and went to the isn't my telling you enough. I couldn't help the smile of incredulity that crept across my face, but she got the message and stopped.

She stated they talked about the love comments and their boundaries.. Their boundaries.. Not mine. I listened and nodded but said without transparency we'll never know.

I keep trying not to engage and the more I detach I suspect the easier it will get, but you just want to hope there's some glimmer in there. Ripped62 the emotional affair write up was spot on and explained a lot of the mindset and why/how they get this way. before seeing the info in that article and the healing library I never considered how toxic/addictive something like that could become.

Freeme - yes, she does work outside the home.

DeWittle- I've thought about that myself but there are several factors at play that prevent me from being able to get out of the home much sooner.

Before all of this happened we were looking to get a new home and had a nice summer trip planned ( no small thing in this economy) but now that seems like a dream a lifetime ago.

Jesus christ man, your wife is taking a stick and poking you with it! I can't decide if she's just cruel or a flipping sociopath?

If it's true you're divorcing then fine, but next time she comes to you talking about her boyfriend cut her off because she's not being open, just malicious.

Before you leave the home please discuss the situation with an attorney. This could be perceived as abandonment. Also you do not need to give up your rights to the house because of her actions.

I am sorry you have to deal with her EA and chatter. It seems like she maybe starting to rectify with what she is doing or something has happened with the OM. IDNK. With Snapchat, her actions may have gotten out of hand and went physical involving photos and video as Freeme referenced in an earlier post.

Freeme also seems to be correct in that she seems like she is bouncing back and forth trying to maintain a relationship with you and continue the EA as she is realizing the cost of the EA and feeling you detach.

Keep it real. The 180 is the tool for you to detach.

The only engagement you need about the marriage is to use the conversation stoppers or something similar to Stevesn's quote-

“I’m sorry you feel that way, and if we were working on the marriage, I would be glad to discuss those things with you. But it is clear you have chosen your online relationships over your real one, over your Marriage, and so I will proceed to move on as you have already done yourself.”

Withdrawal is hell if/when she is truly trying to stop the EA. Pinning for the other man as an addict does for their fix will be very difficult. It is very similar from an anatomical and biochemical standpoint. Her behavior will be very hard to watch for you. Nothing worse than seeing your wife missing someone else. Perhaps you may need IC or assistance in real life with processing the pain. Do not rule out medical assistance for yourself.

If she gets to this point you may wish to tell her IC is a must to process her emotions and withdrawal.

I second the above, talk to a lawyer before you move out.

Tonight she broke down and had a good long cry, I wanted to be sympathetic but didn't know if it was because she called off all their contact outside of the game today or because she realized how badly she hurt me. ( I do know the answer, it's just hard to face.)

The key point of this is "called off contact

outside

of the game" This is a game where you "pretend" to be in a relationship. It's like she is saying I'll only be his girlfriend when I play the game.

You don't need to try to be sympathetic...she's telling you she broke up with her bf, ... She also treats you like a girlfriend gossiping about her new boyfriend. It's cruel.

You've got to get back on the 180 train. You can cut her off and say that if it's not about going full NC with OM that you don't want to hear about it. She is offering you crumbs in an effort to keep cake eating. The lines Ripped gave you are to end conversations. When she blame shifts you can say that you will take 50% of the blame for problems in the marriage this affair is 100% on her. Try one full day of doing a hard 180 - she sees you detaching and she's trying to get you back using seduction, pretend NC, pretend transparency, date night (Movie)... She doesn't think things are serious enough to go full NC with him because you keep hoping and listen...she's trying to find the right words to use that will allow her to keep the bf and the marriage.

Focus on just you and the kids. Go hiking, to the movies, visit a museum...

[This message edited by Freeme at 3:17 AM, May 24th (Thursday)]