SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BMW nothing is going to change until you change it. You must stop being passive and take back your life. That means filing for divorce, notifying both families as to what happened and protecting yourself legally from her.

I really think you should consider dumping her. Any person who does that to their partner is not worth it. Take care of yourself.

Hi BMW sorry you are here. This is a great place for healing no matter what path you take.

There is a saying here: take what you need and leave the rest. This means that you will get some advice that doesn't resonate with you and it's OK to disregard it. But please understand that there is a lot of wisdom here, gained through people going through a very similar hell. Consider the whole of the advice and the poster's experience, even if you don't like what they are telling you.

If you keep getting the same advice over and over and you aren't seeming to get the message, eventually you will find yourself reading a "2x4" message where somebody tries to get your attention with a strongly worded post. The above applies, but keep in mind we are all trying to help you in our own way.

That said, I'd encourage you to read up on co-dependency and boundaries. It may be that you are going to have a very hard time backing out of this toxic soup of a relationship you are in, because you feel responsible for her sickening choices. Accepting blame for something somebody else did is a classic co-dependent move. Her choices are hers. Your brother's choices are his. You didn't ask them to hook up, how can you possibly be responsible in any way shape or form? You ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE.

Stop apologizing to your wife immediately. Cut that shit out. Do not say you are sorry one more time for ANYTHING.

All you are responsible for is ordinary every day hard work trying to provide. Her responsibility is to communicate clearly and respectfully so you can maintain a healthy marriage, and to have boundaries around your marriage so nobody can disrupt your lives. She failed. Not you.

Tell your parents tell her parents. That would be a hell of a way to snap her into reality. Dont hide this from them. You need their support.

You need to do something to get your power/balls back. Anything.

TAKE CONTROL!

I want to come through the computer and pep talk the shit outa you. You gotta run this show and take control or she is gonna continue to walk all over you.

Fake it until you make it.

If she is still texting him she is still having the affair. Get fricking mad, use the anger constructively and controlled. Your not a pussy but your in shock. This is time to be the alpha not a nice guy.

100% on your side.

Your brother is a problem but your wayward wife is the biggest problem.

Your brother took what she was freely giving him.

They are still in touch and you are affraid to do anything about it?

You'd better wake up and get strong quick

They are still messaging and phone talking. I just dont know anything anymore. She said she is moving out. I begged and begged for her to stop and she wouldnt. I dont understand why.

One word can change everything. EVERYTHING.

expose

Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose. Expose.

Expose this double betrayal to everyone in your family and in her family.

And then watch their fantasy world crumble.

And for the love of God, man, stop begging. It doesn't work on WWs. They see it as a sign of weakness. They see it as giving them the power.

No more begging.

Maybe because you:

I begged and begged for her to stop

On these forums we've seen it countless times - begging doesn't work on waywards. Maybe because it sends message loud and clear - "Hit me again and again, I'll still be here for you".

How many times posters on this thread told you that what you are doing (or not doing) is a recipe for disaster?

They are still messaging and phone talking. I just dont know anything anymore. She said she is moving out. I begged and begged for her to stop and she wouldnt. I dont understand why.

Worse thing you can do.

Better wake up.

Full exposure now!!!!

They are still messaging and phone talking. I just dont know anything anymore. She said she is moving out. I begged and begged for her to stop and she wouldnt. I dont understand why.

Because you beg.

Livining with Pain,

I believe I get your point here. And I respect you and your opinion. However, the reason BMW's wife is lying, cheating, abusing, and abandoning him is not his fault. If that was the point you were going for I don't agree whatsoever.

BMW,

The point I believe that is trying to be hammered home to you is that while this shit IS NOT your fault.

There are actions you CAN take that MAY affect the outcome. We all want you to take the actions that we know from experience and reading about others, that will have the best chance of getting you to a more a positive outcome quicker.

You do not appear to be taking those. It's a fucking bitch of a thing to ask someone whose had there heart torn out the way yours has. We know and I'm sorry. So look, I'll still be here whatever the fuck happens or you decided to do or don't do but please try and find a way to do some of the things that MAY get you to a better outcome.

Some of them to strongly consider......

EXPOSE the Affair - Has a greater chance of ending the Affair and puts scrutiny and pain in the ballpark of those having it the affair...(you know where it belongs) there's a chance that this could cause one or both of them to WAKE the fuck up and try and save some part of themselves from doing this truly horrible thing that they are doing to YOU their family and ultimately to each other as well. It's a rapid infestation you're dealing with that's allergic to light. So tell some people UV ray blaster that motherfucking affair.

180 - Did you read up? Detach and start putting all your drive into making you the best version of yourself. Give up the outcome.

Give up control of the outcome also means telling your wife in a message or a letter or a fuck you on the way out the door that----

Go be with my brother or fuck anyone you want. That's your choice but you will not do so as my wife. Then serve her D papers. She has to see that's what she is facing to really believe it it will come to pass. If she wants to leave there's nothing you can do anyway but this IS really your only chance at snapping her back to reality if she isn't too far gone already.

Let her and your deadbeat brother go live in the back seat of some burned out Buick in the Indiana summer for two weeks and she's probably going to change her mind btw. You need to be strong enough when/if she does come back to say:

"You've got until X to show me that there's any chance I would ever take you back."

There is one thing that will not help has never helped and is only going to be more painful for you in the long run....

Begging her back and playing the "pick-me dance" please read up on that and see why it's important to avoid this. It's a terrible option on mulitple levels and we don't want to see you hurt anymore than you already have been.

Please consider these things...

Oh yes....

I don't say this often but you might actually have as shitty a fucking brother as I once did (I've got other good ones). At least mine was too much of a prick to ever sneak up and knife you in the back. We don't get to pick our family but we do get to pick who we let be a part of our lives.

Please stop begging. Please stop taking the blame. Please stop doing the pick-me dance. Stop trying to protect her and him, expose the affair to your family and friend. You know that you are 100 X better a catch than your brother. Deep down your WW knows that too. She likes hurting you, likes having two men fight over her, likes having the upper hand.

They are still messaging and phone talking. I just don't know anything anymore. She said she is moving out. I begged and begged for her to stop and she wouldnt. I dont understand why.

Meet with a lawyer and find out your rights and how/what to do to get your ducks in a row. Start doing a hard 180 (healing library). You need to see this woman for who she really is. You arn't to blame for this. This is your BROTHER. What sane woman would be with her husbands brother? You might not be ready to divorce but you will feel better knowing what your right are and what you can do now to prepare for a divorce. This constant contact with your brother is abusive.

Livining with Pain,

I believe I get your point here. And I respect you and your opinion. However, the reason BMW's wife is lying, cheating, abusing, and abandoning him is not his fault. If that was the point you were going for I don't agree whatsoever.

BMW,

The point I believe that is trying to be hammered home to you is that while this shit IS NOT your fault.

There are actions you CAN take that MAY affect the outcome. We all want you to take the actions that we know from experience and reading about others, that will have the best chance of getting you to a more a positive outcome quicker.

You do not appear to be taking those. It's a fucking bitch of a thing to ask someone whose had there heart torn out the way yours has. We know and I'm sorry. So look, I'll still be here whatever the fuck happens or you decided to do or don't do but please try and find a way to do some of the things that MAY get you to a better outcome.

Some of them to strongly consider......

EXPOSE the Affair - Has a greater chance of ending the Affair and puts scrutiny and pain in the ballpark of those having it the affair...(you know where it belongs) there's a chance that this could cause one or both of them to WAKE the fuck up and try and save some part of themselves from doing this truly horrible thing that they are doing to YOU their family and ultimately to each other as well. It's a rapid infestation you're dealing with that's allergic to light. So tell some people UV ray blaster that motherfucking affair.

180 - Did you read up? Detach and start putting all your drive into making you the best version of yourself. Give up the outcome.

Give up control of the outcome also means telling your wife in a message or a letter or a fuck you on the way out the door that----

Go be with my brother or fuck anyone you want. That's your choice but you will not do so as my wife. Then serve her D papers. She has to see that's what she is facing to really believe it it will come to pass. If she wants to leave there's nothing you can do anyway but this IS really your only chance at snapping her back to reality if she isn't too far gone already.

Let her and your deadbeat brother go live in the back seat of some burned out Buick in the Indiana summer for two weeks and she's probably going to change her mind btw. You need to be strong enough when/if she does come back to say:

"You've got until X to show me that there's any chance I would ever take you back."

There is one thing that will not help has never helped and is only going to be more painful for you in the long run....

Begging her back and playing the "pick-me dance" please read up on that and see why it's important to avoid this. It's a terrible option on mulitple levels and we don't want to see you hurt anymore than you already have been.

Please consider these things...

Oh yes....

I don't say this often but you might actually have as shitty a fucking brother as I once did (I've got other good ones). At least mine was too much of a prick to ever sneak up and knife you in the back. We don't get to pick our family but we do get to pick who we let be a part of our lives.

The only hope you have is to accept the fact that your marriage is already dead. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to function as you are supposed to function: without mercy, without fear, without remors

You just said the exact thing I did, except with 300x the wording.

Sure, but I sound like -300x the asshole you did

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 7:25 PM, June 26th (Tuesday)]

Thanks guys, I have left and dont plan on going back for a while. I don't know what else to do. Im not excepting any calls or text, not that she cares to even do that. Everyone does know and they seem totally fine with that. Im not sure if he has come back to town yet neither. I just dont know what else to do except cut my self off.

Do you have some friends or family that will stand with you and support you in this madness? Don't cut yourself off from people who will be there for you. I think distancing yourself from the crazy here is a good idea but don't isolate yourself. Stay engaged with this forum and anyone supportive you have IRL.

Please, consult with attorney. I do not know US laws, but from some posts here it looks like leaving your home might be considered abandonment and might hurt you if you D (custody?).

Thanks guys, I have left and dont plan on going back for a while. I don't know what else to do. Im not excepting any calls or text, not that she cares to even do that. Everyone does know and they seem totally fine with that. Im not sure if he has come back to town yet neither. I just dont know what else to do except cut my self off.

Leaving might not be a good idea. You need to talk to a lawyer or you could lose everything. You don't want it to be seen as abandonment. What about making her leave?

That's your house. Those are your kids.

For heavens sake you've brought kids into the world do not leave them! Your wife is already way ahead of you, so unless you plan to give your wife full custody of the kids it might be best to consult a lawyer and start thinking about the future of you and your kids.

Yes it sucks but your wife is gone. If you don't start looking ahead you will find yourself at a disadvantage later on down the line.