SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let me get this straight: She turns her ass up to your brother, then blames you? Sorry, my friend, but she's a bonafide sicko.

You in no way are to blame for your WW’s decision to cheat. Nothing in your M caused her to cheat. If she was unhappy in the M she had multiple legitimate options to resolve those issues without cheating. She could have talked to you about the issue, requested you go to MC, or talk to a pastor or friend, but no marital issue is an excuse to betray your wedding vows. Millions of people everyday feel at some point in their M, neglected, ignored, disconnected or unloved, but they never cheat.

BMW77,

Double betrayal are so hard.

Sending peace and strength.

But I need her to stop putting the blame on me. I know I was the cause but she and him took it another level. There had to have been another way. Now she says she is torn between us but chooses to be with me because she does love me and our life. She just wanted the man she fell in love with back.

BMW, my wife blamed me in a myriad of ways that she had to step outside the marriage to find connection, a listening ear, compassion, etc. It took her two years to unwind that in her mind and acknowledge that she, and she alone was responsible for having the other man inside of her. Sure he lied to her and sweet talked her, but in the end it was her "yes" that destroyed our marriage.

These words are your wife, in her mind, applying pressure and a gauze bandage to stop the gushing of guilt within her that she desperately needs. This is a healthy feeling -- guilt. It is her conscience telling her she needs to change herself now.

In the bible's old testament, it was the adulterer, not the betrayed spouse, that was to be stoned to death. Please know this is 0% your fault. Now you may have contributed to many things wrong in your marriage. No one is perfect. But having an affair is never on the list of things to do to improve a marriage. It is perhaps the most vicious and abusive thing you can do to another person. It is pure torture. And to do it with a family member is just awful beyond description.

It may take some time for her to be able to face what she has done. She is in denial until she does, and pushing the blame on you is proof she has a long, long way to go to hit bottom.

Thank you guys for the outpouring of support and different views. There are so many questions on here and I dont know how to reply to each one. So I know I have not given a full account of the "story" so I will try to at this point until I get interrupted again.

My Brother the AP, came to visit about 8 months ago. He had just gotten off a DUI and did not have much going on for himself. It ended up that I gave him a job. We all thought it would be short term until he decided what to do or move on. Well that never happened. I never really pushed for him to move on neither. I thought it was kinda nice having him around and for awhile I had additional help around the house for projects I was working on. Eventually he quit helping but knowing my brother I knew this was normal for him and thought he would be moving along to another adventure. Well I am the type of person that is very driven in what I do. I want to keep my yard clean, house clean and finish up projects. I became consumed with these items which included a full blown basement remodel, drainage issues outside, clearing out brush and trees etc. I would always say well if I dont do it it wont get done. Most of this was for the kids and our family. I also wanted to see something accomplished. I was so busy doing this I guess I neglected my WS. I also pushed her away. She is not like me and ends up putting things off which in return cause problems. I pushed and pushed for her to do what she said she would do and in return we would have arguements. I thought I could change her and make her more responsible. In some ways I did. In other ways because i am so driven I pushed her way. I have high expectations from the ones I love and it is because in my mind I care about them. I have learned through this that I need to back off my expectations and enjoy whom I fell inlove with. I have also learned that I have to just let things go and if and when I get to them that will be when I get to it. IN the end I truly believe I was the root cause. This is something I have to deal with for causing this. Now with that being said by no means am I letting anyone off the hook. My brother played an instrumental part in betraying me. He constantly was flirting with her and blatantly telling lies that I cannot fathom she believed. Some of these lies are so outrages it makes me sick and I dont even know whom my brother is. My WS (hopefully Im using the write Letters) tried to tell me in her own way and I did not hear. I asked her why did you not just come out and tell me before this happened. She said she knew how important he was to me, and how I was trying to help him and thought he would just leave sooner than later. She did not want to hurt me I guess, but in the end it ended up devastating me. I thing subconsciously I knew something but again I was not looking for it. I knew I was jealous because the spent time together while I was working but..... I just dont know what I thought or was thinking. Alcohol started becoming a problem for both of them and I would try and get her to stop drinking those damn fruity drinks and it would make her drink more. I would have to come get her to go to bed not because I thought something was going on but because I was afraid she would not get up and go to work. I remember one night around eleven I walked down stairs and they were together by the bar. I felt something off but they played it good and the next morning I thought to myself there is no way in hell that could be happening. Not her, and not my brother. I honestly don't know how long this has been going on. I suspect 1 to three weeks before vacation and that is what she has eluded to. The night I caught them it was twice. Again alcohol was a factor. I didnt do anything because I did not know what to do. I didnt want to ruin vacation. So I kept quiet. It continued to get worse the next couple days and again the damn drinking got worse and it was to the point that it was happening right infront of me. I think they were so f-d up they just didnt realize that I was there or didnt care. Thats when I exploded. I kicked both of them out, may have been a mistake at the time and wished I had just made them leave. Get this, my brother called the cops on me and thought I was leaving...... The cops could not believe what had just happened and what my brother thought would happen. So I was ready to go home early and low and behold somehow they figured it out and showed up. He was trying to find a rental car because I refused to take them home. No rental cars were available because of flooding. While he was gone She and I finally tlked or what ever you want to call. We had time to ourself which was what we needed. I informed her that I would take her home but not him. SO he ended up leaving and being stuck for a while. So instead of leaving a day early we decided to finish out the vacation and it was good. It was what the whole vacation was suppose to be about. We talked, we cried, we had fun. Now this is 5 days after I found out. I guess this was the day we started on trying to heal or put things back together. I know some of you think Im crazy but I love here and I feel responsible. It still dont hurt any less but I AM RESPONSIBLE to a point. The root of the cause. I gave here a packet I found off of here last night and it has all the steps in it and other information. I told her I wanted her to read it again and again and then we would read it together. I told her it was important to me that she does this. Anyways, I have to run. I have an emergency that I have to take care of.

I want to keep my yard clean, house clean and finish up projects. I became consumed with these items which included a full blown basement remodel, drainage issues outside, clearing out brush and trees etc. I would always say well if I dont do it it wont get done. Most of this was for the kids and our family. I also wanted to see something accomplished. I was so busy doing this I guess I neglected my WS.

This sounds like my FWH, who not only takes care of stuff that needs to be done to our home and yard, but works his ass off at work. Does it piss me off sometimes and do I sometimes feel neglected? Yes. Do I cheat? NO. (He cheated on me {2EAs}, but that was many years ago and we are R...LOTS of IC for him and me and MC thereafter).

She is not like me and ends up putting things off which in return cause problems. I pushed and pushed for her to do what she said she would do and in return we would have arguements. I thought I could change her and make her more responsible.

That's ME. I have EFD (Executive Functioning Disorder...you can Google it if you like) - it frustrates FWH to no end. But I do not cheat when he gets frustrated with me or pushes me to push myself to do more and get organized (which makes me withdraw even more) - and sometimes he gets very frustrated. *Side note: I am in therapy and am getting prepared for bioneurofeedback, which is supposed to be helpful for EFD, ADD, etc.

I have high expectations from the ones I love and it is because in my mind I care about them.

I understand. But understand that yours and her brains are wired differently. I have an EEG to prove it But again, no reason for her to cheat.

IN the end I truly believe I was the root cause. This is something I have to deal with for causing this

I respectfully (but strongly) disagree.

She did not want to hurt me

She was protecting HERSELF.

I knew I was jealous because the spent time together while I was working but..... I just dont know what I thought or was thinking.

Your gut was screaming...that's what you were thinking.

I sometimes drink too much. I have never cheated.

Look, I know you're not my FWH and I'm not your WW, but I am trying to make a point. There is zero fault on you for her A. Marital problems, yes, let's say 50/50 for the sake of argument, but the decision to screw your brother was 100% on her and had nothing to do with your love, lack thereof, attention, housework, yardwork, workaholic, etc.

Sending strength...I have to run as well...

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 12:31 PM, June 21st (Thursday)]

I'm so sorry you are here and I don't want to add to your pain but I believe you are going about this all wrong. If you continue to take this blame for what has happened then you are going to be back here again in no time with someone else. I get that you think you weren't a great husband. That may be true but why do you believe that a legitimate response by your WW to you being a shitty husband is to sleep with your brother?

Why is that a valid way to respond to marital issues? She was staying up late and drinking without you on nights that she had to work the next day. This was causing issues in your marriage it sounds like to me. Did you go sleep with her sister as a response to that? Of course not because the two are disconnected. Nobody has a perfect marriage. Everyone has issues that cause friction, that could be improved, but saying that a marriage problem like you describe means it is okay to have an Affair is just not right.

Let's take this line of thinking out to its logical conclusion. You both agree that because you were a shitty husband she is justified in sleeping with your brother. Okay fine. What does she get to do the next time she's mad at you? Give the neighbor a BJ? You can't live like this. You can't allow you being a little overbearing on chores to justify this huge betrayal.

And BTW I'm admittedly only seeing what you have written but someone who spends time working on their house, improving the yard, the basement, etc. And someone that seems to act as the adult like stopping your wife from drinking too much, making sure she gets to bed so she can make work doesn't sound like a bad husband to me. You sound like a responsible adult and maybe the only responsible adult in this whole strange triangle.

Let me ask you something else. Did you pay for your brother's vacation? Exactly what was he "vacationing" from since it sounds like he doesn't work? Is he still living with you? Have you cut him out completely and completely cut him from the family payroll?

BMW,

I'm sorry if some of the things I am going to bring up in this post cause you pain. I think they probably will and I apologize.

So much of what you said.....

I became consumed with these items which included a full blown basement remodel, drainage issues outside, clearing out brush and trees etc. I would always say well if I dont do it it wont get done. Most of this was for the kids and our family. I also wanted to see something accomplished. I was so busy doing this I guess I neglected my WS. I also pushed her away. She is not like me and ends up putting things off which in return cause problems. I pushed and pushed for her to do what she said she would do and in return we would have arguements. I thought I could change her and make her more responsible. In some ways I did. In other ways because i am so driven I pushed her way. I have high expectations from the ones I love and it is because in my mind I care about them

Resonates with me. I've said all these things before in other relationships I have been through and my thinking was flawed. You can not change another person and you did not make her better at anything you did not cause her to cheat.

I think you are in fight-or-flight mode and you are feeling like you want to have control back. Our minds will grasp at anything to try and get us to feel the way we want to when were destablized by trauma. You are tryng to find a way to keep your balance and that's a common response that you are having. However it's not healthy either. You're placing blame on yourself that doesn't belong there.

The things you mentioned in your M? The root cause is not a thing. It can be a catalyst that causes something to accelerate but she still made the decision to cheat. Where you not in the same M as her facing problems that you choose to deal with in ways other than sleeping around?

I can be a perfectionist in certain aspects of my life that I value highly. Often I'll disregard things that do matter (such as SO) not because I don't care but because I've got my head into 8 different projects or my energy was all spent by the time I got home. That's an issue for me in my M that I am responsible for the pain it caused my SO with me being absent and unavailble to them at times when I should have been sure. It didn't make my SO do anything. She chooses to cheat as a way of dealing with a problem and so did yours. There were other options available and you have to see that.

I blamed me too. And I told myself that I didn't care enough and that I deserved what I got because it was my fault. I told myself I was hurtful and neglectful and I deserved what I got because it was my fault. I told myself it was my fault...my fault...my fault. In every scenario because I was driven and compelled to take responsibility for some fault in order to move forward in a way that I could manage. The perfectionist in me wanted to be able to fix it wouldn't allow other people to take responsibility.

I eventually reached the point of realization that someone else's actions didn't come from me. I'm not a god or the God or any other deity of some sort that holds power over other people's decisions and neither are you.

How could I fix the infidelity if I wasn't the one who made the decision to cheat?

[This message edited by MrMagnolia at 1:47 PM, June 21st (Thursday)]

Am I within my right to block his number from her phone? I dont think I can get in to block him on FB though. She and him were texting yesterday. She acts like its no big deal since he is 9 hours away. To me it is a big deal. She then said she doubts he will text again and she will not text him anymore.

Fuck yes that's a big deal. Tell her to write a no contact letter. Have you read the tactical primer? I would start there.

BMW,

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. You're still VERY fresh from when this happened and I totally understand you're trying to make sense of what happened and taking the blame. I did it too. Thinking "I could have done this or that" BUT when enough time has passed, you will get hit with the realization that in the end,it was a CHOICE, she made the CHOICE! A very shitty one but still hers, it had nothing to do with you.

What you describe about taking care of the house and if you don't do it, it won't get done....you need to know that most wives WANT their husbands to do those things! In my situation, I was you and my WH was your wife. My therapist told me because I made everything so easy for my WH (taking care of the house, kid, bills etc.) he took it for granted and became complacent. That's exactly what your wife did too.

She has to have no contact with your brother because keeping in contact can still be an EA.

I do not believe I have read the tactical primer. I will search for it. Thanks.

It's a sticky at the top of the just found out forum. It's a good starting point to get yourself familiarized with what basically amounts to the collective advice of the many BS that have been here before you.

The situations are unique but there are patterns and behaviors that we have all seen, read, and/or heard in other's stories time and time again.

This place is here for you as you see fit to use it and while some of the advise you get won't be useful there is much wisdom to be gained by spending your time considering it and making the best choice for you.

The more you tell us the more we can lend that wisdom. Also, for ease on the eyes spacing

out paragraphs or just leaving a space every two sentences (this is what I usually do no shame in it) would help as well.

Hell even if you want to know what order to read stuff in just ask. We are here for you.

I am sorry for you. Your wife made a terrible choice to cheat v

When my H tried to explain “why” he told me that we were disconnected. After hearing it for months I told him he may have felt “disconnected” but it was his own doing AND he never spoke to me about it AND he has no right to say how I felt.

He finally stopped pointing the finger at me. Finally but it took at least 6-12 months before he understood the point. My H chose to stop communicating with me. His family is like that. I accepted it and never complained. My H worked long hours and traveled extensively. I was at home with kids and managing. I never complained to him. I thought we were a team and working together.

You can imagine my shock to learn he was unhappy. When all his friends would say they wished their wife was like me. Considerate - if he wanted to play a sport or go away occasionally for a guys weekend golfing - it was usually ok with me. I tried to make his life easy b/c he worked crazy hours. International time - commuting to the opposite coast.

So whatever “complaints” your wife had - she should have opened her mouth and done something. Counseling. Communicate to you. Something - Anything.

But cheating is not the answer. No matter what.

She and him were texting yesterday.

EXCUSE ME? Did you see their conversation?

SI friend, this is not remorse…and she’s being downright fucking cruel to you.

You can block her phone, you can block her FB, but you can’t control HER. You can only control YOU and get out of infidelity. You block his number, he can get another phone, she could as well (i.e., burner phone). There are always workarounds if she wants to stay in contact with him.

I would have her served. It does not mean you have to go through with a D, but she needs a wakeup call and a swift kick in the ass (I don’t mean that literally; no violence!)

It is easy to blame your self, but stop. It was not your fault. You both need IC (individual counseling).

I would suggest -

STD testing.

IC for both.

NC with your brother. She commits to this.

Total transparency from her, phone, Facebook, etc.

Get "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", read it, give it to her.

From there decide what to do. If you decide you want to reconcile, and if she is truly remorseful (she certainly isn't now), then you can try MC.

I can hardly imagine it being your brother. So sorry.

I am also very driven and do a ton around the house and at work. Not a valid reason to cheat. A reason to have a sit down at the kitchen table with a spouse, absolutely. A reason to go to a marriage counselor if that doesnt work, sure. Cheat with your brother...hell no.

If she is still texting him there is a emotional connection there more than just sex. If you dont snap her out good chance she will leave you for him. This is going to burn inside you. Your gonna get worse when some of the shock wears off and you start to bottom out and get depressed. Start seeing a IC for you this week. Read up on the 180 and do it NOW for you.

I think you need to get your balls back fast (I didnt have mine either for a while). Tell her if she doesnt want to be divorced she needs to open all devices and passwords to you now. No more contact with your brother ever and if she does you divorce her. Go see a lawyer and find out what your options are. You should consider serving her now and seeing if she earns her way back in. Really I think you should serve her now and that may snap her out of it. But you need to follow through if she doesnt di what u need. You have to be willing to lose your marriage to get it back. Right now you dont have a wife or marriage, your living with someone who is dating someone else emotionally and would probably still be having sex with him if he wasnt 9 hours away. You can't play the pick me dance your gonna lose or if location separates them she will find someone else who makes her feel this way.

Bottom line stop treating her like your wife. Put the hammer down hard on her behavior. She killed your marriage when she did this. She needs to earn it back.

Oh and blow the affair up with your parents and her parents. See what happens when they call her out. She has had no consequence. Dont be embarrassed, this affair is all on her.

Your conduct is exemplary. Oh you work to hard...fuck that. My ex said I loved my kids (and her bio son whom I adopted and love to death) as much as her and she needed to be on a higher pedestal than the kids. Bitch please, I love my kids too much so you screwed the neighbor fell in love and moved in with him 2 days after I found out? You need to think bitch please, I did to many projects around the house so you screwed my brother? There reasons make no sense when you step out of the situation.

If she is still talking to him she thinks she loves him. Shatter her fantasy world or wait and see if she leaves you for him.

If your WW is still in contact with your brother she's still having an affair. I think you have the cart in front of the horse. You want to patch things up with your wife yet the affair hasn't ended and she hasn't repented or shown any remorse. She needs to stop all contact and demonstrate to you how much she's changed. Read in the Healing Library on what true remorse looks like so you know what you're seeing from her.

There are two goals you must achieve in order to get your world under control. The first is to get yourself out of infidelity. If that means you need to divorce the horrible person you're married to, then do it ASAP. The second is to take your life back. You become the master of your destiny. You decide your future and you don't allow your brother or WW to have any control over what your future is.

The is one truth that you need to internalize and believe with all of your being. The truth that none of this is your fault. Most of the posters have stated this fact over and over again but you don't seem to be listening. None of this is your fault. Don't allow others to place blame on you for anything that you didn't do. Don't be a scapegoat for your WW and brother's actions. This isn't your fault and it has nothing to do with you. This is 100% on them. None of this is your fault.

+100 to what Dismayed said. Take your life back.

You are playing the "pick me dance", and you are losing.

She's torn between the two of you, but she chooses you? What. The. Fuck.

Why is she choosing anything? She betrayed you, WITH YOUR BROTHER. Only you get to decide if you want to work it out, and so far, from what you've told us here, she's given you no reason to want that.

If you don't make some changes in this false as false has ever been, whacked out, reconciliation that you're currently in, she'll be cheating again. For God's sake, man, she's still in communication with him! And she doesn't even try to hide it from you! She has zero respect for you, and the only way for that to change, is for you to make it change.

So you tell me, are you happy with how things are now?