SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Tell me about the nightmare of living with a drunk... He is committed now to getting help.. Do you think I'm foolish to R if we both can forgive each other?

Sure, anything is possible but I’d be weary about rushing it. My personal suggestion is to stay separated for now and get your head clear and figure out what YOU want.

Boy, sounds risky. He treated you horribly for years. That was flat out cruel exposing you like that. People get pushed to their limit after years of abuse. Anyone can put on an reform show for little while. Don't let him berate you. You both decide to be better people and call it a draw. No one says anything more. Personally, I would get out and find peace.

Tell me about the nightmare of living with a drunk... He is committed now to getting help.. Do you think I'm foolish to R if we both can forgive each other?

Personally I think forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I hope you can forgive each other. Whether you stay TOGETHER or not is an entirely different matter.

You have lived the nightmare of living with a drunk. Why are you asking for stories of others? He's an addict. It's HARD to live with an addict. Their addiction controls them...some folks more, some less. My sister is one of the 1% of people who quit drinking one day and never once relapsed in what is now 36 years. But alcohol still controls her somewhat...she can never have "just one drink" and she will never hang out at a bar again, or even go to parties where everyone is drinking such as company Christmas parties. She finds it too hard to be the non drinker in a group of drinkers. And she's one of the 1%. Is he CURRENTLY getting help, or is he promising to get help if you return? He needs to get help for himself, not for anyone else. Even with help. He will almost certainly relapse. His love for you is combined with the trauma of your cheating, which is a huge stressor. Plus whatever the hell made him an alcoholic in the first place. All that needs to be dealt with...while not drinking. He will need a ton of support from you yet you have to not become codependent. You will have all that on your plate plus the trauma of what HE did to you, plus years of the M wilting on the vine.

It's a decision only you can make. I suggest going to one Al-Anon meeting. They are great for helping you love an alcoholic without losing yourself. Stay after the meeting and ask to speak to someone one-on-one. Give them the info you've given here and ask for advice. These people are LIVING IT. They can tell you so much more than I can. It will help you make your decision.

Peace to you.

What he did was wrong by all means, however to me an affair is a lot worse, he posted that video once and according to you covered part of your face (but even if he didn't), you on the other hand conducted an affair, with repeated sexual encounters (virtual or physical), with the risk of STDs, body fluid exchanges, risk of pregnancies, etc., again both were wrong but no, your betrayal was much more worst by a long shot.

I agree with others that in order for you to overcome this difficul situation (if that's possible at all) you both will need lots of IC/MC, otherwise, you both need to cut your losses and move on. Good luck.

I gotta say, Buster, "posted once' means can be seen by the whole fucking world forever. Please don't minimize what he did.

So, are you saying he has worked on himself and you haven't? I agree with Darkness Falls. The real focus you should be doing is on yourself and ignore the tit-for-tat stuff. You needed to have an affair to leave. I am not going to even address the whose is worse shit going on. Just focus on this.

I did it intentionally to help bail out of the marriage.. It was the final step that I needed to do to close my marriage with husband and for me to walk away

He might get his shit together to be a good man, husband, and father. What about you? A person who thinks the way you thought that sentence is not ready for a relationship. Don't even bother saying that was then either. That type of thinking is rooted in your character. Not just a spur of the moment type of thing brought on by stress. It is the character that kept you there for 10+ years of abuse. It is the character that was willing to do things (you seem uncomfortable with) in order to please someone. Sorry, just my opinion sex acts should be something you want to do as an experience to share- not to please or prove your love and committment. It is still the character that asks if you should stay. So, fix you. Not sure what the label would be for partners that keep partners by holding what they did over their heads for control so that the other is labeled more the "bad guy". Maybe you both are some form of codependent.

@latebloomer45

I'm not trying to minimize it, I said it was wrong by all means, however I see it for what it is, he concealed part of her face to make it very difficult for someone to identify her (still does not make it right), however can you really say that that is in the same league as having multiple sexual encounters risking STD's ? you understand her husband could have been exposed to HIV, Herpes, chlamidya, etc...

I hate to be blunt here but do you really think that posting a video of a sex act online is in the same league as your wife eagerly spreading her legs and having OM's d..k repeatedly penetrate your wife's vagina, put his OM's d..k in her mouth, maybe even swollow semen (how can you even kiss her again) and put her health and her husband's health at risk with chronic life altering diseases like Hepatitis and STD's ? I certainly hope not. Again yes both acts are very wrong, but NO to me they do not compare, not by a long shot, let me put it this way, if I had to choose between the two, I would pick the video every single time.

Posting her online was terribly abusive and humiliating. She was obviously traumatized by it, seeing as how she’s still hurt by it after 10 years.

It may be a difference of opinion depending on the gender of the person or the FOO of the person but I personally find what he did to be repulsive along the same lines as someone who pimps out his wife or daughter.

I’d hope that no one looks at what he did and thinks it’s only a mild offense because he blurred her face.

I wish people would stop saying it’s not the same, it’s not!!! Clearly!!! And I wish people would stop comparing the acts bc no one here would ever compare a one night stand, 6 week EA, 2 EA, 5 year LTA ect.... Everyone here would take something not as bad as what it really was. Pain is pain right? Or does that not count bc she is the WS? Maybe look at it as they both betrayed their spouse in a different way..all this comes in different shapes and forms... they both messed up and need to work on themselves...

Blues it's your opinion but I respectuly disagree, yes they're both terrible, but when the BS's life is put at risk of deadly STD's REPEATEDLY by WS, not to even mention the emotional component of it like feelings for the OM, lost of family time dedicated to OM, money spent on OM, etc., to me they do not compare, again Not by a Long shot.

Let's pretend for a second you were the BS, which one would you pick ?

1) Online sex video of with blurred face concealing your identity.

2) A full blown PA with repeated sexual encounters, body fluid exchanges puting the mother/father of your children (if any) and your own by exposure to possible life threatning STD's and with the emotional component of feelings, ILYs, etc... ?

I totally agree with Buster123

I'm new here and have to say "no reason for treason"

I think you cheating is right worse

I've been there like your husband (never did the pictures online thing thought) but still my wife cheated because i neglected her for many years.

Your entire first post is nothing but you justifying your decision to cheat,and why he deserved it.

The marriage,by your own admission, hasn't been good in years. Yet, you stayed. You made that choice. Did you do anything to heal yourself after he posted the picture? You don't need him to tell you why he posted it, to heal yourself. Trust me. Thousands of betrayed spouses here have been told they have to heal themselves,and not expect their WS to assist in that healing. So, did you do anything to heal?

How did you find out about the picture?

Are you in contact with the AP, in any way?

Was the AP married?

I'm the BS. My husband,around the time he had his ONS, posted a picture of me online. In lingerie. Very sheer lingerie, so little was left to the imagination. He also blurred my face out. Did it hurt. Like Hell. Was I angry? White hot rage. Was it a betrayal? Very much so. Why did he do it? He "was stupid," ,and "wasn't thinking." I never got any other answer than that. It was about ten years ago.

So I understand how you feel.

It is not an act of infidelity. It's a betrayal of trust. But he didn't cheat on anyone.

It is a repulsive act,no doubt. I do not feel it is as repulsive as fucking another man, then coming home and kissing your husband and children while playing happy family.

I have serious doubts about anyone playing happy family. If someone has never been in an abusive relationship, especially with a drunk, you can’t comprehend how trapped you feel.

You and your children have my sympathy, your husband has none from me.

My father was an alcoholic. My first marriage was emotionally and physically abusive.

Affairs are abuse. Extreme abuse. So every person here,BS and WS, has been in an abusive marriage.

She was not trapped. She chose to stay. Her reasons for staying may have been valid, but she was not a hostage.

OP, reconciliation requires true remorse, full transparency, and NC with the AP. Among other things. Are you willing to do this? If not, then you're already separated, and finalizing that would be best for everyone. If you are willing to do the necessary work on yourself, and reconciliation, and your husband is willing to do the work on himself,then reconciliation is possible. But you have to stop blaming him for your actions, and he needs to take responsibility for his shit as well.

As I have said so many times already, the issue is NOT whether what he did was worse or what she did was worse, what he did was infidelity or what she did was infidelity. These petty arguments completely distract from the main point.

They are BOTH broken people who need to fix themselves. Whether or not they both decide to R or not, they need to fix themselves.

There's nothing wrong with leaving an abusive marriage. There's something VERY wrong with feeling like you need to have an affair to do that.

AlyssaD - if you want out of the M, separate and file for D. If you are not sure, then take some time to decide what R would look like for you. Either way, work on yourself. You behaved in a despicable way, figure out why you felt you needed to do that.

Yeah, buster, we'll have to agree to disagree as this seem to fall strictly down gender lines.

And yes, they are both wrong, and I think OP needs to take some serious time before attempting R.

As fas as I'm concerned, posting some one doing a sex act on line without their consent is a form of rape. I've been date raped twice, and cheated on. If I had to have one of those things happen again, I'd take cheated on.

There is a reason adultery laws aren't prosecuted but revenge porn laws are.

@latebloomer45

Well, we'll have to disagree then, to me this is a false equivalence, posting a video online (with a blurred face in this case) is NOT RAPE and you may have a difficult time "prosecuting" someone for doing that and convict him/her of rape.

Please let's call these awful betrayals for what they are. But again IMHO one is clearly worst than the other, by a long shot.

I'm very sorry for what happened to you but no, it's not the same, "Not by a long shot".

Please don't tell me you would have preferred to have someone post a video of you online with a blurred face than what actually happened to you, a tragedy and awful thing (actual day rape with the possibility of STD's, unwanted pregnancies, abortion, both physical and psychological trauma, etc) is a lot much worst than the other which still awful which does not carry the risk of the exposure to the previous mentioned risks but that also has psychological trauma.

What's worst/best may be subject to personal opinion but I would bet my next paycheck if a poll is conducted in the general forum the majority would pick the video if they had to choose one or the other. Affairs have devastating effects not only for the victim/BS but for the entire family, especially LTA's with OCs, financial turmoil and problems that affect children's future, broken families, std's, etc..., again both awful but not in the same league by a long shot IMHO.

And for the record "Adultery" is a felony in several states in the USA and is punished by death in parts of Asia and arab countries.