SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Most WS who post here are trying to be better. Not all. But most.

Any person who has an affair with a married person,shows blatant disregard for other people,including the AP's children, and their own children.

An AP IS a POS. All of them. Your wife,my husband, and all the others who chose to cheat. A good person doesn't help destroy a family. However, if dday happens, and they stop cheating, reach remorse,become honest, and work on themselves,they are no longer POS.

Your wife is very much stuck in victim mode. She is very defensive. She wants to run from your emotions and the consequences of her affair. She is still minimizing her affair. She believes it was an emotional affair that went underground and became physical. She calls it a short EA and a ONS. Until she can be honest with herself, you can't expect her to be honest with you.

Her feelings for the OM are still there. Otherwise she would see him for what he was. She should look at him as the weapon she used to decimate her husband. I look at it like this..she was the gun,he was the bullet, and together they shot you, his wife,and all of the kids involved.

What specifically has she said about OM being a good person?

Hell no. If my wh thought if mow withanythingnut dosgust, we would not be married still. If I ever find out he thinks of her at all anymore-we will be done.

If my wh thought if mow with anything but disgust, we would not be married still

I believe that a remorseful and empathetic WS knows that this is how a BS would understandably feel. It is my opinion that remorseful WS are disgusted with themselves and fully realize that it was their own dysfunction that ruined the lives of so many. I also believe that compassionate WS project that disgust--if the BS asks for it--onto the AP, but the truly remorseful WS can't actually feel that disgust for the AP because they feel nothing. When you are remorseful, the disgust is always with yourself.

Just my opinion.

But speaking from personal experience, blaming yourself fully does not allow you to also blame someone else. It's a contradiction. When you rightfully blame yourself, you end up seeing the AP as nothing, as just another piece in your messed up game of life, which is ultimately what they were--a bit player in your own psychotic choices. The remorseful WS does not think with affection on someone they used as a means to an end.

That is why any WS that says they feel disgust is either unremorseful (be careful!) or rightly projecting what they feel for themselves onto their AP, for their spouse's sake (acceptable). It is understandable that a spouse wants disgust toward "the competition," but the WS knows that there was never a competition and instead it was all about "more, more, more for selfish me!"

If your spouse loves you, she would have nothing positive to say about someone that participated in your devastation. Where is her empathy? Where is her understanding of how she has hurt you? Where is her valuing you? That is what reconciliation is supposed to be.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:10 PM, December 29th (Saturday)]

OwningItNow,

Excellent post, well thought out! I agree completely. Some WS will finally "get it", and some aren't evolved enough to ever find it.

You can't change how someone feels. You can give them a new perception or perspective and that might change how they feel. Like APs. How can they be good if they supported you in hurting other people and in being the worst you can be? Nothing good about that. They are just as we were. Users that take advantage of each other when we are willing to be needy and easy. Nope, nothing good there. I don't give a shit if they do many good things in other areas of their lives. What does that matter as long as there is someone they intentionally hurt existing out there? I think they can become good in the future in other areas of their lives, but in the context of your life and your relationships and hers...nope never a good person. Just to add I believe all cheaters were asshole monsters while cheating with the potential to become better people in the future if they stopped and worked at becoming a person with integrity and honesty. That includes myself.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 10:09 AM, December 31st (Monday)]