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bookworm19 ( member #54871) posted at 9:46 PM on Tuesday, March 26th, 2019
Oh dear, there is so much I would like to say to you, but it all boils down to: stop interacting wirh him, no contact is the only way to solve this thing.
One thing you said:
I'm so torn between staying the course and being a stronger person, versus being kind and compassionate.
made me think. You should try being kind and compassionate from afar. This is a common mistake people make, thinking that being empathic and compassionate means to be hands on involved. You can be all that with a healthy distance.
And regarding your question:
Do you guys have advice for next steps?Words of wisdom for when one trips up after doing so well with NC. I want to feel strong whether or not my husband wants me.
.
I guess this question is rethorical, you know the answer. No contact. If you fall, pick yourself up and go no contact again. He is is not going to change.
[This message edited by bookworm19 at 3:47 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]
English is not my language, sorry for mistakes and funny words...
BBBD ( member #57475) posted at 9:55 PM on Tuesday, March 26th, 2019
“True power is having the ability to walk away from what I desire, to protect that which I love (your own respect)”
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, March 26th, 2019
Ugh.... your story makes me feel sick. I don't know how you're still standing after all that he's put you through. Please please PLEASE follow the advice you're getting here and cut this malignant person out of your life.
He is not remorseful. He is not regretful. He is not willing to make you any sort of priority. He cares only for himself (and his wants and his pain). You KNOW this, he has proven it to you time and time again. He cares about you only to the extent that it affects him. He thinks all you deserve is his crumbs.
I was so mad at myself for letting myself feed on hope. It made me wonder if I had only been strong these last few months because I stupidly believed he missed me and our marriage.
None of this is your fault - you have offered him more grace than anyone deserves. Do not be mad at yourself, be mad at him and use that anger to do everything you can to get as far away away from him as possible. You felt stronger these few months because you didn't have someone breaking you down every single day. You were finally free from the daily onslaught of abuse he has subjected you to.
Note to everyone out there, I recorded the conversation to listen to afterwards. I’m not sure about you, but I tend to only remember the positives or romantic parts of conversations with my ex versus the reality. It was a huge help to hear it back and hear the countless other red flags that arose.
It is wonderful that you recognize and acknowledge this about yourself. It is probably one of the reasons you were able to live with his abusive behavior for so long. If this works for you, please keep a journal of all of the terrible things he's done to you. Update it as necessary and then re-read it to yourself every time you're feeling nostalgic or doubting whether you should give him another chance.
In terms of things you can do to make yourself feel better: I'm a huge proponent of exercise because it makes you feel so good (yay endorphins!) and also makes you feel strong. I, myself, really love yoga because it's an hour of concentrating on the PRESENT and ignoring whatever else is going on in your life. There's also such a sense of accomplishment in being able to see gains in terms of strength, balance, stamina and flexibility. Spend time outside in nature. Connect with friends. Go to a new restaurant, you've been meaning to try. Try a hobby you have never mastered (baking, darts, ANYTHING).
Please please please keep in mind that you deserve sooooo much more than crumbs.
Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.
manofintegrity ( member #69550) posted at 12:21 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2019
BS ONLY
[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:08 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]
paboy ( member #59482) posted at 1:55 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2019
We realize that you have known your WH for a fair amount of time, but your not going to have a happy ending with this.. Like any illness, the longer you remain in the situation, the longer it takes to heal. And it leaves more scars..
Take time to heal yourself. I gave you all those pointers you could do, last time I posted. But here is something special for you to try.
Its what I call 'color therapy'. When you are next feeling down, peruse the room at the various colors shown. Or walk around the house. Take time to look at all the colors. There will be one specific color that will attract. Will soothe you. Have that color close. Part of your clothing. In your handbag. On your desk at work. When you feel the need, look at it and let its soothing effect help.
Now go and take the world by the horns. Right down your goals, and how you are going to accomplish it. And ENJOY.
Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 2:08 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2019
People use the word gaslighting when discussing things like this but what has happened to you is brainwashing. It was used on prisoners of war. That is what you have been in. A mental war. He is the enemy and you need to recognize that.
When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis
RBGFan ( new member #69976) posted at 3:47 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2019
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I am still reeling from the shock of finding out and in a similar situation, although my WS and I have separated and he is in no way wanting to reconcile. I will say that posting on this site and getting support from people has been really helpful and I hope that you are able to get the support you need here.
TfromNY ( new member #67571) posted at 6:37 AM on Wednesday, March 27th, 2019
I rarely post, but reading your thread is tragedy. Do not mistake kindness and compassion with being copendent and abused. I know the word isn’t popular but you are as copendent as they get. He is abusing you. You are allowing it because you do not YET believe you deserve better than this.
I repeat. You are allowing it because you tally up the years you’ve known each other, the years spent together, the good moments you’ve had, the threads of community woven throughout your union (including his family members) and the hopium pipe you had to smoke every day your gut was telling you something was not right — to convince you that your WH is someone who needs to RETURN to you. Return to being the man you love. — But the man you love does not exist.
Whether he morphed into this man over time, or was this man all along and you didn’t notice because you served his purposes and therefore he was committed to you — does not matter TODAY. Life is so short. You deserve love, respect, honesty and fidelity NOW. He is not remorseful. And you are ALREADY ENOUGH. You are already enough and can move on. It’s terrtifying and unfamiliar and I would never advise a total stranger to walk away from a years long relationship except for in cases of abuse.
I was married to a narcissist for 20 years. It literally took me 4 years (post divorce) to be able to even SEE, clearly at least, how much mind control he had over me and he wasn’t even actively preying upon me as your WH is on you! We weren’t even talking much of that time — but that’s how long it took me to clear the fog from my brain and counter-condition my outlook because he had me so brain washed.
I cannot recommend specific literature to help you with this kind of person. But I have had A LOT of therapy. I recommend you also seeking someone good. That you lay the whole story out to them as you did to us. Someone who will challenge you when you allow your WH back into your world. Who will be able to see through your hopium cloud and calmly redirect you about your WH’s abusive behaviors. I truly believe you will do this when you are ready. When you are as compassionate and empathetic with yourself as you are with others. When you love yourself enough you will not allow someone to treat you the way he is treating you.
ICaughtThem ( member #45041) posted at 11:57 AM on Thursday, March 28th, 2019
So your WH, who misses you so badly, takes the time that he should be using to work on himself, to work on his relationship with the AP. And he rubs it in your face whenever you do have contact with him.
You do realize that at this point the only reason that you are in limbo is because of you, right? Once you are back in the country, you need to file. I'd have him served at work, that way the AP finds out as well. The same day, you should have a realtor put up a For Sale sign in front of the house. It's obvious that he really only cares about himself. You need to start caring only for yourself, and break this abuse cycle.
He's been showing you that you don't matter to him. He may say one thing, but his actions prove otherwise. Believe his actions, as that's the real him.
What are your plans moving forward?
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
MamaDragon ( member #63791) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, March 28th, 2019
He is holding on to you in case the OW doesn't work out.
First, tell his boss that he and his AP are together. Business managers don't like things like that. One will get fired or at least moved.
Don't give him a choice to tell her. Go to his place of employment, introduce yourself to the AP and then hand your WH divorce papers and a post nup. Tell him, in front of everyone he can choose to continue his affair with OW or agree to your terms and reconcile with you. It is totally up to him. If you are allowed to sue for alienation of affection do so. Make her aware that you were his wife and make him aware you are no longer playing their game. The proverbial ball is now in your court. Lob them a surprise or two.
Then walk away and let him make his decision. You have already proven that you can live and thrive without him. You don't need him - and trust me, you will find someone who treats you like a precious gem.
Don't allow him to dictate how things are going. Put it both of their faces.
BS - 40 something at A time, over 50 now
WS - him, younger than me
Reconciled
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