SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Be prepared to read something that will intrude on the rest of your work day. If you are good with your boss (if you have one) I would let him/her know of the situation so that there is an understanding if you need to take the rest of the day off and work performance takes a hit. You would be surprised how many in the work force would understand and have also gone through similar.

When the summit button disappears, rotate your phone. It'll usually come back.

So from there, the texts were mainly him apologizing, but still trying to get my wife to meet up. My wife ignored most of the texts except to occasionally answer "not a good idea". Finally he spilled his guts and told her how he still loved her and never could get her off his mind, etc. Sounded like he was getting drunker ss he was texting. The text chain stopped when she called him and talked for 34 minutes.

Keep up the pi work, act normal. Sometimes cheaters text things that make them look good, then only a var at home and in the car will catch the next conversation. If he has her dreaming and fantasizing, she will be back in touch within a a month and she will act different again. Take notes, it comes in handy if you become scatter brained after DDay like me. I hope that phone call put a stop to him and gave her the confidence in herself to just say no to these predators. These psychopaths only care about fulfilling their lustful desires and do not care if they ruin marriages and children in the process. Good job.

Any more text communications between them?

You know this much that your wife's boundaries were being tested and she seems to uphold them as far as you can read up until that phone conversation. You will want to know what was discussed. She may or may not tell you, but what you have in your possession is her old fiance's phone#. Something to think about when confronting her is that you can possibly say found that number in the phone bill, got curious about the frequency and called it to discover who it was, then tell her that was a very interesting conversation and then ask her if she would like to give her version of that phone conversation. Sit back and see what she says.

But, wait for others here to chime in with more ideas to formulate your overall plans. Think this one through on how you want to approach her with this. Maybe just mentioning you notice the phone number and give her a chance to come clean. What ever you do, it is best to get as much details as possible so you can tell if she is lying or not.

After that phone call, over the next couple days, he kept texting her and tried to call a couple times. The only text she answered was to say "i said everything there is to say the other night. we have nothing else to talk about. "

But her 34 minute phone conversation with him was at 11 am. I'm wondering if she talked to him in person that night. There was no more correspondence between them after that.

Is it time to confront her with this? This waiting is killing me. I talked to my boss and let him know I was having some personal issues. He gave me the day off.

At this point if it were me. I would talk to her. Others may have different opinions, but that is what I would do. It sounds like he was trying to wear down her boundaries and for the most part she held firm. There are only two people who know what was said and if he was drinking heavily he probably isn't a good sources.

I would point out to her that she should have been open and told you about the texts and the conversations. It would have gone a long way towards maintaining trust.

I honestly think that she is the only possible source of the truth. Not sure how reliable that source is, but its the only one you have right now... I would confront her with what you know and ask her what is going on..

Yes, you have enough to confront. DO NOT TELL HER HOW YOU KNOW. ‘I have confirmation that you’re in an inappropriate relationship and this needs to be adddressed’. Then just go into listen mode. This isn’t burning a witch at the stake - this is your wife likely walking a very dangerous path.

Even if things were 100% innocent on her part, she should have told me about this. I feel a sense of betrayal. I think it's a good idea to borrow my brothers VAR and put in her car. She's taking a long drive tomorrow to look at a new piano. 4 hours round trip. I can place it after she goes to bed.

Dear WileyC.

I believe you have enough information to have a discussion in regards to the texting and phone conversation. I would also take some time off work and inform your wife as she is ready to leave to look at a new piano, that you are going with her. You can watch her reaction.

The reason I mention the VAR is because my brothers wife's affair was coordinated with a 2nd cell phone he knew nothing about. He found it hidden under the spare tire on her car. I figure I can wait one more day before confronting just to rule out that possibility. One way or the other, I'll be confronting her tomorrow night. Please keep me (us) in your thoughts. I sure hope it's nothing except that she was afraid to tell me he contacted het.

Once you confront her, her response will be, “I did not want upset you”.

Remember, she could always stop this. My ExW told me she hated the OM, but her phone conversations were 30 min plus.

They, the WS, eat this up. They love the attention.

[This message edited by BBBD at 11:50 AM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

My gut doesn’t scream for a spare phone in this situation. I think that you are wise to stay open to that possibility but frankly it’s a remote possibility.

To me it sounds like she shut him down with the emails, but the 34 minute phone call should be explained.

My guess is she wanted tell him (politely) to knock it off, and felt like it was handled and wanted to keep it to herself and not upset you. She probably had mixed feelings of being flattered that he still cares and spilled his guts, disgusted because she's happily married, pity because he's still carrying a torch for her and she moved on years ago, confused on if she should tell you or should she handle it.

If her first response is "How did you get my number" and not "OMG so good to hear from you!!!" That says a lot. As does "i said everything there is to say the other night. we have nothing else to talk about. "

Her emails showed a reluctance to his advances.

OTOH if you plant a VAR you may hear her calling a GF to to tell her about the OM advances and her feelings. I doubt she will call him, it sounded like a one sided crush.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 12:01 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

I'm wondering if she talked to him in person that night.

I am thinking that if she did meet with him in person that night, some of the texts he sent her those following days would allude to the fact that he had seen her or maybe a text would ask to see her "again" or mention that it was good to see her or that she looked great, etc. if she has seen him.

I hope best case scenario for you here. She absolutely should have told you about this contact. Maybe she liked the attention but knew she would never let it go the next step. Still not cool and still should have been talked through with you. I hope that this is all it was and you guys can work on reestablishing boundaries/she can figure out why she would talk to him behind your back and hide it from you. Still a betrayal, and she must know an ex telling her he still loved her is information she should have shared with her husband.

Wiley,

Good luck with the VAR.

In the initial confrontation I would give her a chance to come clean without telling her what you know.

It’s easier to write it out than explain, but substitute your own words:

Mrs Wiley, I love you and I love us. But I can tell something has been on your mind the last few months. You have been distant and lost in thought for most of that time and it’s clear you’ve not been engaged in our relationship. It’s been even worse since you returned from your trip home.

Then let her talk. If she won’t admit it then you can wait 24 hours and then explode after “finding” those messages on her phone.

But it seems she did the right thing with this guys, but didn’t follow up by telling you.

Keep posting

Take care.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 12:18 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]

I think waiting and using the VAR in her car for that long trip is the best next step. If this guy is an experienced piece of shit he may have told her to get a burner phone. I do think it sounds like she told him to go away. But I think using the VAR is a wise next step so that you don't have lingering doubts.

Great post by Stevesn, read it again. However I am also concerned about this:

The only text she answered was to say "i said everything there is to say the other night. we have nothing else to talk about. "

But her 34 minute phone conversation with him was at 11 am. I'm wondering if she talked to him in person that night. There was no more correspondence between them after that.

I'm glad you picked up on that, yes there's a chance they met that night (if they did you need the details), after you follow Stevesn post to the letter and allow her to come clean, upon confrontation, press her on this. If she comes clean, make sure you let her know that she SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU her husband about OM's advances, press her on the 34 min convversation, tell her it should not have taken that long, that a good "Don't ever contact me ever again" and an abrupt hang up only takes a few seconds and that's the way you would have liked her to deal with this and told you right away, see if he's blocked from her phone, if not, ask her why, at that point make her call him on speaker phone and after she talks to him, make sure you tell POSOM to back off, that he had his chance and he blew it, he lost and you won, "have a good life loser and do not contact my wife again or else". Keep the VAR in place for the next few days just in case she's hiding something else with him or anybody else.

Sending positive vibes WileyC. I hope you have found out all there is to find out and it creates a dialogue for your W and you.

Considering what you know now, I'd bet the distance was likely because she knew she had something to hide and she put up walls to keep you off the trail.

Obviously not right on her part, but at least you can read her well enough to recognize the signs.

FWIW- Her not telling you is a betrayal of trust and lying by omission. Be civil and express your hurt to her. Don't yell or scream or do anything you might regret. Keep it calm and cool.

Right now this is festering between the two of you and the longer it goes on the more damage it will create that has to be repaired.

Plan for the worst and hope for the best.

^ hmmm I didn't catch that sequence. Could be nothing or something.

I still lean towards she was not interested, but I tend to trust people a little too much. For example I bought my XWW story why she was packing a "little black dress" for an out of town high school robot competition.

In your initial post you mentioned that you W was acting differently a couple months before her trip.

Any more thoughts about why that behaviour began?

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 1:05 PM, February 26th (Tuesday)]