SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Of course he didn't think you would D him. He thought that you would wait around while he had fun with OW and toy with the idea of maybe coming back to you when it wasn't fun anymore. Or maybe he'd D you for her. Seriously, that's what he thought. Any non-narcissistic person knows that moving out of the martial home to date someone new is a fast track to D.

It is heart breaking and unfair. Thinking about him every day is NORMAL. You did it for years so it's not going to stop overnight. It's going to take a while to stop but it will end as you detach from him.

Stay the course and see that lawyer. It is very important that you at least file for separation right now because whatever debt he is racking up with the OW will fall on your shoulders if you don't. It will count as marital debt and you will have to pay half when you D. Protect yourself.

So I saw a lawyer who informed me that it looks like we'll be filing for bankruptcy as well as divorce. That hit me like a ton of bricks, being as I work in the bankruptcy world. How did my life get here, how did everything I've worked so hard for these 18 years fall apart so quickly?

He keeps telling me there's "a part of him that loves me, is in love with me and will always love me" but he is also in love with her and wants to be with her. I can't wrap my brain around this. How can he still be in love with me and be willing to walk away from me? How can I watch the only man I've ever loved make the biggest mistake of his life, that will impact not only his life but mine and the lives of his children as well? How do I move on from this? How do I tell my kids that their entire worlds are about to fall apart? How do I go through life knowing he's off playing house with her?

I'm heartbroken and destroyed. I feel like there is no coming back from this.

We know it’s a mistake. He does not see it that way sadly.

He is trying to keep you as his plan B in case life with the OW does not work out.

She won’t be happy when he has to share his $ and time with his kids and there is less left for her.

By then it will be too late.

FS

I’m sorry you have been hurt so badly by him. You and your kids did not deserve this.

I remember the first lawyer you talked to mentioned bankruptcy. Did the second lawyer confirm it?

Hopefully you have good family and friends that can support you emotionally and if necessary, financially during this difficult time.

I have had a couple of relatives go thru bankruptcy. And while it is distressing during the process and perhaps a bit embarrassing, when they come out the other side they have had a clean slate in which to start building credit ratings and moving on with their lives. Ive heard some say they would have done it earlier if they had known what was behind the mystery of bankruptcy. I know at least one went on to buy a house and pay off any debts the courts left her and is now doing well.

So if you really have to do it, especially if it’s a way to get out from your M to a betrayer, it may be worth it.

Please don’t believe anything your WH says. He’s a proficient liar. Saying he’s confused means he just doesn’t want to look like the bad guy.

Honestly, continuing to take a strong stand and moving on with the D process is the best thing you can do for you and your kids. You can’t beg him and nice him back into your M. That never works. He will be looking for his next way to go behind your back the next chance he gets.

No, if he is ever going to return and you are ever going to feel safe with him again is if you let him go and ON HIS OWN he gets himself into therapy for a year or two and works on why he decided to blow up his marriage instead of working on it.

So don’t wait around for him to do that. You have no control over it so even don’t think about it. Start rebuilding your own life.

And if down the road he comes to you a changed man with proof he has down the work then you can consider if you want to try again starting from scratch.

My hope is by then you’ve found the next great love of your life and you leave your WH back behind in the dust.

Good luck to you.

sorry to read things didn’t get better for you.

your ws is still in the fog. if you haven’t already, expose him to all of his friends, his family, expose the ap to her friends and family also. then completely detach from him. sometimes you’ve got to risk losing the marriage to save the marriage.

you can do this. keep posting, we’re here for you.

fallen,

I'm sorry you are here. Listen very carefully, if you are located in a state that has long term marriage as a condition, you need to ask your attorney. If that is the case, I know this, b/c I live in Cali and we have that here, you should hold off on filing until and keep it cool til the 10 yr mark for alimony purposes. Just FYI.

If that is not possible, than as others have suggested, you probably want to file. Separation could count as the date of filing, but if you're close you may want to wait, or at least consult with the attorney on this.

Aside from that, everything everyone else said. He's cake eating, and you're feeding him. Learn the 180, and treat him like the enemy of the family that he is. Shut off his cake, and he might change his tune. Sadly though, he's a serial cheater. You've caught him multiple times, and hes taken it underground. Why do you not value yourself enough to not take this crap from anyone?

He keeps telling me there's "a part of him that loves me, is in love with me and will always love me" but he is also in love with her and wants to be with her.

You only love the person you want to be with. The part of him that loves you, is actually in love with the safety net of family that you provide.

Fallen, there are a lot of us on this site that are proof that you can survive and thrive. That is very hard for you to see right now. We all understand because we've been there.

You seem to be caught off guard by the bankruptcy possibility. That has to be a terrible blow on top of everything else. But perhaps you should look at it as an opportunity. There was a side to going through with divorce that was an unexpected surprise for me. After my divorce I was no longer at the mercy of someone else's financial bad judgement. For the first time I had control of my own destiny. Was it hard? You bet. But I knew where I was financially. I didn't have to argue with anyone about why we couldn't afford something.

While it initially felt like my world had been ripped out from under me, eventually I felt like I had been given back control over my life. And it's a great feeling. I realized a year into it that I was no longer afraid to open the mail.

Sometimes looking at things a different way gets you unstuck.

((FallenStars))

You are stronger than you know; I can see that in your determination to make your life better and to set an example to your kids. Despite the financial and emotional hard road you see before you, I hope you can take solace in continuing to express that strength.