SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just want to be a voice of support stating that — people do the best they know how at the time. They also ONLY do things when they are ready to do them. That’s why this forum is so amazing — because so many have already been there and you can (try) and learn from them while you are in the midst of one of the biggest crises of your adult life.

I wish for you to find the strength to do the 180. To fall off into the abyss of your fears and be willing to really lose this man that you love so much — because 1) the man you think you love and miss isn’t really the man he is AND 2) he left the marriage the moment he started texting sweet nothings and hanging out with another woman — so you’ve already LOST him.

Not that things can’t be regained, restarted. But acknowledging what you (think) you had is over is a huge first step. I divorced after 20 years of marriage and 3 children. Never could prove everything he did but there’s was proof of enough. I spent too many years letting it eat me alive. Took me years to adopt a radical self love program and find my voice. Let me tell you something - I know my worth now. I’ll say it again — I know my worth. I pray you to feel about how very loveable you are. How much value you bring to a partnership EVEN with your issues of anxiety and depression. Start the 180. Find ways to squash the panic you feel of what he’ll do if you get strong. He is all you’ve ever known. This is the universe calling out to you — there’s more. It’s better.

Your relationship with this man does not need to be over. It’s not a foregone conclusion.

However – what needs to be firmly established is that what he is offering you NOW is not acceptable.

If infidelity is all he can give – then you are better off without him.

THAT is the crux of the matter – YOU need to define where you want to be and to keep on moving in that direction irrespective of HIS reactions.

IF he follows it will only be on terms you accept. If he doesn’t… well… you have determined already you are better off without him and infidelity. Note how I use this wording:

Until and unless you tell me very clearly and accept some reasonable conditions needed to assure me that you want this marriage I am simply assuming you have committed to the affair. I am getting out of infidelity – with or without you.

It does allow him a way back. He must commit to the marriage. If he doesn’t… well… at least you can work on healing.

What you do is cut the drama. Make this real.

That’s done by exposure.

That’s done by not arguing since there isn’t really anything to argue about. Remember?

If he starts telling you that he had to cheat because you have bad breath (or whatever excuse he uses) your stock reply to all his accusations: “I am sorry you feel that way. If we were working on our marriage we could investigate that issue, but since you are committed to your affair it’s not really necessary.”

That’s done by being determined and factual:

A divorced couple DOES NOT share a house; therefore, you get a relator in to value it for the market.

A divorced couple do not share household tasks. You don’t do the laundry nor expect him to cook.

A divorced couple do not share agenda. If it’s his day with the kids, you simply leave the house and don’t tell him why or where. Nor do you ask him what he’s up to.

A divorced couple do not discuss if they should go to Florida or Hawaii next summer.

A divorced couple do not invest in joint debt like a new car.

A divorced couple do not share a bed. If need be then getting a good mattress and sleep in the spare room. It’s only temporary.

That’s done by making him realize what he’s missing:

Take care of personal looks. Dress nicely, wear that perfume he likes. Do your hair. Whatever. But not for him. For yourself to feel better and more comfortable. I can promise you here and now that you are looking good headed for the car 10 minutes after he comes home from wherever he was will drive him crazy.

Be intent and chipper. You aren’t’ happy you are divorcing, but you are happy that there is a solution in sight.

Don’t enter arguments. He’s going out without telling you where? You don’t need to know. He wants to talk about debts and assets: Go back to my answer on divorce talk. DO NOT ALLOW HIM TO FEED HIS JUSTIFICATIONS FOR WHY DIVORCE IS INEVITABLE.

It’s totally 100% in YOUR HANDS. YOU are driving this ship!

All the time all he needs to slow things down has already been stated:

A clear, vocal acknowledgement that he wants this marriage, along with a commitment to do what is needed to assure you of his intent.

Stick to this and one of two things will happen:

He bends and you two have a shot at reconciliation.

He doesn’t bend (or waits too long) and YOU will be content with getting out of this marriage and thereby out of infidelity.

Dear FallenStar ... please listen to the advice here. You are in a limbo and will stay there because you are letting your husband cake eat- nothing has changed for him, except that you know (and are doing nothing about it.) As said here before, you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. You are devastated - why should you carry this burden alone - you need the support of family and friends. It is time to tell family/close friends and the children (in an age appropriate manner). This affair will wither quickly in the light of day. He resents you ??? Minimal contact with him, tell him you are nobody's second choice. If he takes more than a split second to make a decision tell him to pack his crap and go home to his mother. You need a good husband and father and right now he is neither.

You have received a ton of good advice here and this forum is a great place to anonymously vent. Just know your worth. The only thing you deserve is your husband 100 percent in.

Fallenstars - I hope you are doing as well as you can be!

I'm not ok with the way things are now. I don't want to spend my life with someone that may or may not want me. I don't want my kids to think this is what a marriage looks like. I know I can't do this anymore, I'm just terrified to take the leap that confirms the end of everything I've known for the last 18 years.

I absolutely can relate to this feeling - I know it - I lived it for over a year and neither I nor anyone else here can get you to the next step...so a good "safe" move for you is to make a plan in case you decide you want to leave. You don't have to leave and you don't have to act on your plan...but get something together so if you feel like you want to/need to, that you have something in place...even a loose plan is better than nothing.

I had nothing - no plan. D-day 2 coincided with the first day of a new job I had contracted to for 2 years (and I hadn't been working for awhile so I had little in reserve financially) so my plan now is much longer term, because it has to be.

Thank you all. I spent the night at my sister's house last night, the first night I've ever been away from my children. It was very strange and lonely.

I don't know how to tell the children what is going on in an age appropriate way. My daughter asked me the other night why we don't sleep in the same bed anymore and I just kind of fumbled my way through an explanation about different schedules or some nonsense. She's almost 8 and I need to figure out something more concrete to tell her.

Fallen, many people tell their young children that the WS broke an important promise to the BS. That it was a promise made when you were married and some times breaking a big promise means that you will have to separate. But always remind them that you love them very much and nothing will ever change that.

I have decided to divorce. He doesn't regret his actions, though he is still telling me he loves me (but he's not IN LOVE with me, because of course) and misses me and misses his "family".

I'm realizing that I don't deserve any of this and need to stand up for myself and refuse to be treated this way. We've barely spoken for the last two weeks and it's as though he's already a stranger.

Now to begin the process of actually physically separating our lives and gaining some distance from the heartache. Please wish me luck, I'm going to need it.

We are proud of you. Do what is right. Make him suffer the consequences. Out him to some or all. Let his cheating buddies in the brotherhood know that divorce and loss of his reputation is what they will get too. I am sick of all of the infidelity in our churches, schools, law enforcement and other workplaces. Men are going to learn integrity and how not to abuse women.

Just file without warning and have him served at work, EXPOSE his A with ALL family and close friends, tell you kids in a sanitized way like "daddy has a girlfriend" and mommy doesn't like it and go from there.

You might want to open another thread in the Divorce/Separation Forum here on SI, lots of good advice there that could help you during this difficult process, I'm sorry it has come to this but happy to know that you will eventually be out of infidelity, a couple of years from now you will feel much better.

I’m sorry he has such selfish tendencies to just hang in limbo.

Your life has been in limbo since DDay 1.

And he doesn’t t care!!! He will just watch the D unfold and be ok with this?

He sounded exactly like my CH 5 years ago but when I said I was D him - he knew he had taken me for granted and expected I would take him back no matter what.

Until he learned I was no longer a doormat. And things changed very quickly. He started making amends immediately.

I hope your H wakes up soon!!!!! Because he is going to wake up soon without his family by his side. The clock is ticking.

But I am glad you have decided to show him YOU are not his plan B. You are either first or forget it. It is heartbreaking to have to make this decision. But sometimes you don’t have a choice.

Just make sure he knows it is his fault. I sometimes think the CS wants the BS to file so that they can Lou t the finger at the BS and say “I didn’t end it (if Divorce) you did” or “you ended the marriage not me!”

Well if the CS wasn’t lying and cheating and being an idiot the marriage would not have ended. It is due to the CS.

I'm happy for you that you've decided to stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to be a completely selfish cakeater! It's pretty common that once a BS puts their foot down and the WS realizes that the BS is absolutely serious, they come back groveling, begging for another chance. So, expect that and know what you'll do if that happens. Best of luck!

FallenStar,

I am so sorry that your WH couldn't find it in him to do the work of R.

I am happy for you that you are standing up for yourself and you are looking toward a healthier future for you and your children.

You can do this. You are strong and you are capable.

(((good luck)))

(((((( fallen star ))))))))

It's a new day. Find some joy every day even if fresh flowers in the color that makes your heart sing. You're going to a happier place. Unfortunate that he isn't going with you but it won't stop you from having a life you love.

I don't know how to do this. He is all I think about all day long, the first thought in my head when I wake up, the last thought before I fall asleep.

He has been sleeping somewhere else for the weekends and I'm in our marital home with the children. He calls them once each day he's gone on his way to work, that's it. How can I explain to the children that their dad doesn't care about anything but himself and the woman he's left us for? They are only almost 8 and 5.

How do I make him understand the huge mistake he's making? He's going to lose us all and he doesn't seem to care. How do I reconcile the person he appears to be now with the person I married?

I don't want to be without him but he's still completely wrapped up in this other terrible person who knew he was married with small children and has a small child of her own. I'm drowning here and can't find a way to save myself.

Hi Fallen,

Have you filed for divorce yet?

I would speak to a counselor if you have 1 about what to tell the kids.

How do I make him understand the huge mistake he's making?

You can't. He needs to figure that out on his own. Divorce papers may help with that though.

Thinking of you.

I'm so sorry you're in pain. It's not fair and it completely sucks - we've all been there, unfortunately.

How do I make him understand the huge mistake he's making?

Gently - you can't. It's not your responsibility to do this, and nobody can make anybody else understand something that they willfully do not want to understand. I think you're on the right track, mentally, with the questions you're asking about the kids and how to support them in this new, unfamiliar reality. Your husband is going to do what he wants, just as he apparently always has - you need to keep your focus on the kids. They need you - your H is an adult (even if he's not acting like it) and has to deal with his own choices. Also:

How can I explain to the children that their dad doesn't care about anything but himself and the woman he's left us for?

I don't want to be without him but he's still completely wrapped up in this other terrible person who knew he was married with small children and has a small child of her own.

It's not about the OW - for your H, it's all about himself. It's hard not to make it about her when it seems like she's the interloper that's ruined your life, but that's not really how these things happen. This is on your H, not her - don't get me wrong, she's no prize either if she's willing to be party to the destruction of a young family, but it was HIS job to protect his wife and kids from harm, and he failed.

It's not about him choosing her over you and the kids - it's about him putting himself and his own selfishness first.

As for how to talk to the kids, I'd be honest (in an age-appropriate way), and stay on the high road. Don't badmouth their dad to them, just stick to facts - and above all, make sure they know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love them, that this has nothing whatsoever to do with them and that you are 100% there for them as you go through this together. You sound like a great mom - you'll get them through this.

I haven't filed for divorce yet. I met with an attorney last week and got a bunch of information about what my next steps should be.

He was upset that I "went behind his back" to talk to an attorney, he "didn't think we were to the point of divorce" yet. . .

I just hate this, this impossible life I've been thrust into. Everything we have was accumulated in the relationship, so now I literally have to tear my entire life in half and watch half of it walk away.

Oh FallenStars, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. My advice is to go ahead and file. You can always stop the proceedings if he ever gets his head out of his ass. He's pissed that you saw a lawyer because he thinks he's calling the shots. He can do so for his own life (which has sadly led him to make terrible decisions), but you are not beholden to him anymore. His "we're not there yet" translates into "I want my cake, and I'll have some more cake, and I'll eat it too and then serve myself some more cake." I hope that it will be empowering for you to respond by letting him know that you will not stay in a marriage with him and his new girlfriend. 1stWife is such a great example of how to change things so that YOU set the terms of YOUR life, not him. He doesn't get to decide how you respond when he's cheating. You deserve better, and I hope you'll choose that better life that awaits you, in whatever form it comes in. Hang in there!