SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I told him i would give him a week to really figure things out, figure out what he wants, i am dedicated to doing whatever I can to heal this pain and continue life with my partner

We all know the pain, the anguish, the devastation, the fear, the anger, and the uncertainty from this kind of betrayal.

Trust and loyalty are paramount - without them you have nothing.

The betrayal of trust is the greatest and most damaging of all sins.

It is all an inconceivable amount of emotion to handle and you desperately want some sense of the normalcy and certainty you believed you had before.

There is one certainty regarding this:

His betrayal had nothing to do with you or your relationship.

Nothing.

His reasons for his betrayal are within him and have always been within him long before you met him.

Do not accept blame in any way, shape, or form for his behavior.

The decision here is not for him to make - it is not a choice of him picking his infidelity girl or you.

Do not think of it this way.

First you must extract yourself from his world of infidelity so you can look at it from the outside.

I can not emphasize strongly enough to not go through with this wedding.

The decision you need to make is if you really want to attempt to reconcile with and have a life with someone who would lie, deceive, and betray in the most ultimate way.

To do so would take a long, persistent Herculean effort on his part and your part.

The fact that he is still carrying on with his infidelity girl after knowing that you know does not bode well at all in regards to any sort of reconciliation.

If he did not have an immediate “What have I done?!?!” eye-opening moment followed by profound and genuine remorse then he is highly likely not reconciliation material and also highly likely to repeat the behavior sometime again in the future.

If you think the pain and devastation are extreme now, I can assure you it is 1000 times more so when children are involved.

You need to remove yourself from his world right now and be honest with yourself.

Is this person what you would really consider as your “best friend”?

Genuine friends are loyal and trustworthy and don’t stab you in the back.

Is this man someone you would want to be a father to your children?

What kind of moral role model is he to you right now?

Would you want to risk putting children through a heart-wrenching situation like this with someone who has proven they are more than capable in betraying trust and destroying a family?

Take care of yourself and stop thinking so much about him because right now, you and your feelings are not much of a concern to him.

Look, I completely understand that you're in shock and life as you know it has turned upside down. I really mean this in the most gentle way possible, as I know you are in a lot of pain right now. But why on earth are you willing to fight so hard for a man who is literally in your bed with another woman? He would not be doing any of this if he wanted to marry you. He's a horrible person. What he's doing to you is unimaginably cruel and cold hearted. Please walk away and never ever look back. A stranger on the street would have more care and concern for you than this pathetic lying piece of crap. You've spent many years with him, yes, but don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy (Google that if you don't know what it means). You deserve so much more than he could ever give you.

Oftencheatedon

Thank you for sharing your story.

It helps to hear about the life of someone from the same exact situation. Glad you made the choice you did.

If I can ask why you called off the wedding I’d you did not know your fiancée was cheating? Did you have some idea of something being off?

You will have a lifetime of pain and regret with this man. If you stay with him, you will look back eventually, when he cheats again, and see precious, wasted years of your life.

He's not sorry, he doesn't love you. RUN from this! Don't give him another day. You will heal and recover and find true love with a person that respects you and adores you. Don't waste your time on a man/whore who doesn't care enough about you to even end his affair.

I don't know why i can't stop thinking about his needs & pain, I feel compelled to do everything i can to convince him to stay although i worry this will just sabotage everything and push him even further. I'm so completely helpless, my entire world is wrapped up in him, our future was right there, it was so close, i go in waves of horrible emotional turmoil, I keep calling him and just wanting to talk more & more, i'm so hurt and i just want it to stop and be comforted,

At this point, and reading the above, I really recommend you seek counselling. It sounds like you are very codependent and you need help to gain some distance so that you can begin to see your situation more objectively. Also, it’s completely natural that you want to be comforted by the person you felt most close to....but that is also the person who betrayed you and who is not the person you thought he was. It is far better to seek comfort from friends and from a counsellor, there is stability and authenticity in those relationships that you can rely on, and which can help you rebuild your sense of yourself and your shattered world.

I wonder what age you are? It feels as though marriage as an ideal and panacea has perhaps become over-grown in magnitude in your life (and that maybe the LDR has caused too much focus and meant that you haven’t grown your life independently in your part of the world and so been living some sort of halfway existence, neither there nor here, if you see what I mean) and it would be good to unpick that with a counsellor - to work out what the dream was and why.

I’m really sorry that dream has been shattered. It will feel very surreal and probably in your shock there will still be an element of disbelief. Please stop focusing so much on him and begin to focus back on you. This can be a great learning opportunity for you, where you can really get to know yourself, and find reserves of strength you didn’t know you had, and also a self-regard that may be missing,

Savoy Truffle, so sorry that you're in this situation. It sucks. I have a daughter who just got engaged a couple of months ago. If she was in the same situation as you, I would be telling her the same thing I'm going to tell you.

I don't care what it costs, the money paid into this doesn't matter as much as the happiness of my child. You deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like any level of remorse from him. The other girl is with him. That doesn't sound like it's changing. Is that the life you want? I doubt it.

Honestly, odds are he never really intended for this thing to get this far. He probably got swept up in the romance of a LDR, but now the reality is setting in that it wasn't going to be a LDR for much longer, so he decided to come clean. He allowed it to get to this point because he's a spineless coward. Even though it's only a month out, he did you a favor. Take advantage of it and run. Find someone who truly cares about you.

You say you're helpless because you're in a different country. Nonsense. You have all the power at this point, but you have to accept the fact that the relationship is over. Once you do that, you'll see that you're not powerless at all. I agree with those above who said to let your families know, and be very clear about the fact that he has another woman in his life who's not going away. Then, contact his employer and let them know. You're not helpless. You're just in shock. He's been preparing for this for a while, so now it's time for you to gather your composure and formulate your response. Don't give him a week to figure things out. This isn't his decision any longer. Unload on him, sooner rather than later.

R.U.N.

If he does this BEFORE the marriage, what will he do AFTER!? I know you hurt terribly but please don't tie yourself to this man. He is not even sorry and I don't see any remorse, not now, not ever. I know, you love him, better said you love the man you thought he was. What you see now is the real him. A big warm hug from me

PS

Please, read what Oftendcheatedon wrote. This could be your story, I'm sure there are good and better things in store for you

Savoy,

Very gently, you are in love with the FACADE of this man. But he is now showing you his TRUE side. Anyone that so blatantly and continuously disrespects you does not deserve another second of your love.

Cut all ties with him, delete his contacts from you phone, block him on all social media. Seek professional help for this trauma and DETACH.

I know it's early out for you. But acting now will give you a sense of power and help you feel a little more in control.

It's of very little consolation, I know, but think of this experience as a blessing that will prevent you from a lifetime of pain with this person.

Good luck to you. Hugs.

Please call off the wedding. If you found out he was a serial killer or a child molester a month before the wedding you wouldn't hesitate one second to call it off, right? Well, he's killed the relationship he had with you. Broken your heart. Disrespected you. Lied to you. And you aren't even married!

Even if you decided you want to continue a relationship with him, a month from now you'll still be reeling from the knowledge of him cheating with you. Take about 10 steps back and look at the big picture. This is not a "mistake" on his part. He's been involved with her for a while, is still seeing her, isn't willing to make a commitment to you.

Everyone here who has responded to you has your best interest in mind. There is the collective wisdom of thousands of people here who have been through infidelity. We've seen patterns of behavior repeated over and over and over, which is why people are telling you not to marry this guy. At the very least, postpone it for a year or two. It will allow you to gain a better perspective and clarity of mind.

He's giving you an open door into what your life will be like with him and it seems like you're still going full steam ahead into the marriage. You need to stop the train; put everything on hold; stop talking to him; stop yourself from walking onto the tracks; and get some professional counseling. Via your LDR you're created in your head a perfect man. Once you live together and you find yourself in reality, you're going to regret your decision. Add to that his current affair and his future affairs and his abuse of you, which will occur, you're in for a hellacious ride. You have an opportunity to save yourself from a hard learned lesson. Don't marry this guy and don't accept his behavior. Save yourself.

You should consider that even if he plays along and you continue to go through with things, on the wedding day he won't show up. Would you rather detach now, or after that round of humiliation? Pls save yourself.

Good morning Savoy!

How are you doing? I noticed you have not posted since Saturday; are you OK?

It can be pretty overwhelming when everyone here is so vehement about cutting a wayward fiancé loose, especially when your heart is cut so deeply and you still feel love. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have sort of gone into hiding for a bit rather than face the uniform chorus here.

But all the posters here truly care for your well-being. More importantly, we have all been through betrayal and speak from our collective experiences, each of which are awful in their own way.

I hope you have your family around you and are starting to cope a bit better with this horror.

Savoy - So sorry you are here. How crappy it must be to be on the precipice of your relationship to have it sunk before docking.

You, like so many BS before you, myself included are in this state of shock. They say the waywards are in a fog, but the betrayed also get into a fog. Your life gets taken from you, in an instant and you're just grasping for the first breathe of air when you can get your head above water.

This is not the time to make the commitment to stay with your cheater. Like I told my divorce attorney, its way to easy to get married and way to complicated to get divorced. You're desperately trying to save something that, if you would remove yourself, you'd not want to save. I personally wouldn't marry the guy. This is the first time you know of that he's cheated on you in the 13 yrs. How do you know he hasn't before since you both lived in different countries. Take some time, and at the very least make him take a lie detector test. Ask him if there were others. How would you feel if there were multiple others.

No kids, not married yet. Don't let this man steal another year of your life. 13 yrs is plenty. I look back at my relationship with my ex, and wished I'd known earlier, i wasted too much time on her. Good thing is I'm still fairly young, but man I'd love to get my 10 yrs back.

He's trying to end the relationship with you, and is doing so in the most cowardly way possible.

I've seen this over and over again. People will "confess" that they are with someone else, because they want their partner to do the hard work of ending it, so that it's technically the other person's decision. Your fiance does not expect you to stay with him through this. That's not even his goal. Don't listen to his words, look at his actions. He confessed, and then had her over to his place for several nights. That's not someone who wants to reconcile.

I'm so sorry. You deserve way better.... this is a very cruel way to end things.

Savoy? Are you OK?

I know that you love him, but you can't forgive someone who is not contrite for their shortcomings. Until he has broken contact and communication with the other woman, the healing process can't even begin.

Please do yourself a favor and cancel all festive events. Counselling is a starting place, but don't committed to forgive or not, until you and he know what you are forgiving. Take this slow.

((((((((((Savoy)))))))))))))

Have you gotten pulled back in? Are go going forward with the marriage? It must be soon now unless you have put the brakes on. I am very concerned for you. All here are.

Please read Brokenbride’s post about having forgiven ore-marital infidelity only to be divorcing two years later due to more infidelity. And what if there are kids? So many of the SI stories involve red flags prior to marriage and then serial cheating leading to divorce with kids in the picture.

Even if you don’t want to face the cacophony of opinions here telling you to run, please at least read widely on this site about so many of these tragic situations, so that your eyes are open.