SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am no doormat.

Nope. You want to be happy. Just in these few initial posts you have demonstrated that you weren't taking any more of her shit. Hell, after reading HIO's posts for these past months, it's obvious you are no doormat.

Extending some compassion and forgiveness is not being a doormat, it's being someone that accepts the imperfections of their WS. If your WS is committed to saving your M and fixing themselves, it's not irrational to let them stick around for awhile to see what the WS really has in them.

It's not for the weak, none of it is, for either the WS or the BS. And the BS that can find it in their heart to forgive is by no means superior either, no one is under any obligation to stay with their WS.

If you know it is a dealbreaker, we all get it. If you want to take your time, we all get that, too. We shouldn't be projecting our personal absolutes onto one another.

I'm still in my home, with my WH sleeping next to me each night. I am no doormat either. Believe me, my WH is suffering. He hates himself.

I wanted to welcome you as well. Your wife has helped many of us.

My suggestion sir is to not be a doormat and to watch out for "I have done a lot of work and you seem to be laying there doing nothing". Hope I am wrong but good luck.

As you probably know, you haven't arrived here until someone has called you a doormat (BS) or a monster (WS). Check that one off the list.

First welcome to SI, don't feel bad about "spying", to me there's no such a thing when you marry someone, I prefer the word verify. I have read hundreds of threads and thousands of posts here and other websites and if someone asked me if I knew of a WW who actually understood the pain she caused and who has had the introspection necessary to find out her "whys", "hikingout" would certainly be on the very top of that list, but then of course you heal at your own pace regarless, stay with us, there's always something to learn and maybe you could help others.

I don’t feel bad about it. Just didn’t want to do it that way anymore. I don’t want to “fuck it up” as someone said. That shit was funny. But I get it.

Look, life is long and sometimes painful. That can be a trap and you can stay there if you don’t watch. I toughed it out with my first wife far longer than I should have. We had little kids. Ended up she asked for the divorce and I realized I felt relieved. That was a wake up call that all have the keys, we don’t have to wait on someone else to let us out.

I would have let her out if she wanted to be with that guy. Life is complicated and you love someone else you should go. Maybe I am fooled but I don’t think she will go down that road again.. We will cross that bridge if we come to it, but it will be separately. Until then, I am not going to worry about it. She fucked up, but I am not going to sit and punish myself for that until I have made us both miserable. There would be no point.

‘She fucked up, but I am not going to sit and punish myself for that until I have made us both miserable. There would be no point.’

Huge round of applause from me. You’re no doormat... empathy, compassion, kindness is not a weakness, it’s a strength, when your CS is showing respect for the gift you’re offering.

welcome turnthepage. i’m glad you’re here.

much of what hikingout has posted as it has related to you has resonated with me and has been a great resource for me as my ws and i navigate thru this mess.

Welcome, turnthepage. More props for hikingout from me. She's doing the work. That's pretty rare. I'm glad you've both found us.

Interesting that your side of the story confirms what most BS should do when confronted with infidelity.

1) File. You WW was still a WW after DDay. She was not willing to leave the AP and do the work, until you filed. While that is not a good thing, it does show strength.

2) You have to be willing to leave the marriage in order to save it. You were willing to let her go if she wanted to be with the AP. In essence the cake eating was over. More importantly, she lost the "special" if you were no longer willing to fight for the marriage.

3) Life is short. Why would a BS waste time with the mind movies and hand wringing over an affair. Based on how you write, I am sure she knows there will be no 3rd chance.

4) It takes 2-5 years to get pass an affair. I may be reading it wrong, but reconciled is not the same as "healed".

However It does leave a few questions.

A ccording to you, she only recently became aware that you read this forum, therefore everything she has written is without manipulation. And it is pretty darn good for a WW. Do you believe in your heart that what she writes is her truth?

Generally speaking men tend to place a wife on a pedestal. Everything about them is "special". Special includes something stronger than trust. Faith. The belief that a spouse could do no wrong. I believe that faith is much harder to restore than trust.

As you see, HO is special to everyone here, and deservedly so. Is she still special to you?

[This message edited by 66charger at 11:35 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

Welcome!

And...excellent name

I don't know if I did the right things as you say. I didn't have a plan. I have been divorced before so I learned there are lots of ways to be happy. I knew it would suck for a while but then get good again, such is life. She was unhappy. She blamed me for being unhappy and she wanted out. I hate how she went about it. I knew she wasn't going to be more happy if we split up and neither was I. You all think she changed a lot. I don't see it like that. She was a great wife before, and we had a great relationship. Then, it all fell apart, and she fell apart. And we worked through it and she is back to being a great wife and we have even a better relationship. She seems to want to be married to me more today than she ever has. I could look harder for an ulterior motive but why. I said in another response that I never stopped loving my wife, and I haven't. We can go on and have a great life together. A good book with one bad chapter. I told her I won't do this again and I meant it. I see a lot of folks here who have to make their wife/husband do this or that. She did it on her own, and if she didn't I could draw a different conclusion. We are not far from two years, maybe I am getting out early on good behavior because I am as over it as I will ever be.

She fucked up, but I am not going to sit and punish myself for that until I have made us both miserable. There would be no point.

You just imparted so much wisdom in those few sentences. It took me years to get there.

My perception is that your wife lost herself, then found herself. She did something fucked up while lost, but has done everything humanly possible to make it right now that she's found, and she has owned the bad choices she made.

There are a lot of guys here with WW's who never find themselves, or who try to blame their husband, etc.

I don't know, man. Maybe not that neat and tidy but probably a "close enough". I am going to say she probably always needed therapy. And, great relationship never meant perfect. I don't give her a total pass, but I don't think anyone could punish that girl more than she did herself. I have decided I can live with it and move forward so I stick to that.

I also do not understand staying for years or decades in misery. I don't understand the pick me dance nor the mind movies. Perhaps that is because the opposite of a doormat is a man/woman with a healthy dose of self respect.

There is plenty of straight talk in your post. Goes to show why she is who she is.

If you have read enough threads you know that many of these posters need a lot of help...turning the page.

[This message edited by 66charger at 4:28 PM, May 7th (Tuesday)]