SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes you do. Keep posting, Steve. While we create these circumstances for ourselves, they are very difficult to crawl back out of. You are starting to see the pieces you need to see. Hang in there, many of us have been where you are.

Steve123, can you write more about your depression? Have you always had it? Is it recent? Do you have a family history?

If it's recent, and no family history, I wonder if you feel depressed in your marriage because you don't feel any hope that it can get better. And you are having trouble letting go of the AP because you sense hope there, even if everyone is telling you it's not real, because you came out of the depression in a way during the affair. It might feel like the only path you have out of depression, to continue in the affair. That would make it really hard to let go of.

I was on and off depressed before the affair. The affair did bring me out of depression in some ways but it was replacing one sickness for another and not addressing the underlying reasons. I went back into depression when the affair was over. In my case the depression wasn't the kind that is chemically based or genetic in origin (forgive me if I'm revealing a lack of knowledge of depression in general). It was a lack of hope that things could get better, which was entirely based on not admitting that I was unhappy, hiding my past from myself and my husband, not admitting to thoughts that didn't fit the mold of what I think they should be, etc. The depression was *entirely* of my own construction, though it felt external. Honesty - that I was ashamed of my past and ashamed of how I was not living up to what I thought I should be - and working toward what I think I should be - was a total cure for the depression. (Not a cure for everything. It was necessary but not sufficient.)

I remember the afternoon I made the decision to tell my husband everything. Although it was terrifying the instant energy and life I felt were exhilarating. (It was quite hard to stay in the moment of my husband's pain when I was feeling so much better. I improved with that). I think I brought manic energy here to my first couple of months at SI. I was SO SO intensely happy to be out of depression and feel a sense of hope.

Pippin,

I first had depression about 5 years ago and was on meds for about 2 years. It was brought on as I was facing redundancy, the company I was working for where letting people go during this 2 year period, I came very close to lossing my job but thankfully manage to stay employed. I don't think I was ever truly happy after this period, my income took a major hit and I was still at some risk of unemployment.

I have always been pessimistic person, so your right I do struggle to see things getting better in my marriage.

The affair did make me feel good about myself for the first time in a very long time. So yes, you are right, those feeling are difficult to let go of.

I know I have been telling myself lies for the past year, it's a difficult thing to break but I'm trying. I fear I have left things too late now, my wife has said she isn't sure she wants to continue. I don't blame her.

All I can do now is work on myself and support my wife as best I can.

What's wrong with me! Last weekend it was like a switch clicked and all I wanted was to be with my wife. I had been away from her for a couple of nights before.

Now a week later, I'm struggling with thoughts like how can I get AP back. I'm so messed up I. Is this what co-dependence looks like? Away for two night, miss her then when I'm back nothing seems to work?

I'm guessing that you don't actually love your wife as a human being, but more as an object. You missed having her there, but you don't go deeper than that. If you did, you couldn't be pining for the AP. You have an attachment to your wife. That doesn't mean that you love her.

Steve23 -

I think it's addict brain. I did this flickering thing as well, where I could even change by the hour. You get a dopamine hit when you think about her, when you pine. But, it should have been well over this point by now a year out.

My guess is you are still having contact with her in some way - looking at her social media or maybe from where you contacted her months ago. Every break of NC is like taking a drink to an alcoholic.

You need to think about this less romantically and more pragmatically. To get over an addiction you have to refocus when you begin to think about her instead of indulging in it. And, for all that is holy make sure you are not looking at anything related to her - social media, old communications, etc. Block her on everything, get rid of any old communication, photos, etc. You have to look at it as full detox mode.

You will be surprised how well you will be able to do once you master your self control over these things. Think of it like being a drunk - you can't even have a sip of beer. Also, my therapist treated me for OCD - because they are Obsessive Compulsive thoughts.

When you have a thought you just need to realize you are doing it and continuing it to feel better. You need to replace that with something else, something healthy. The up and down is just addict brain, plain and simple. And, I hated it, and I know you hate it too.

Would you know what your wife's favorite book is or favorite flower or her dream vacation spot or what she wanted to be when she grew up or some of her current interests?

DevastatedDee,

I would, pink lily's, James Patterson, the Maldives, events coordinator. She doesn't have much current interests other than the kids.

I know my wife well, we have been together 15 years. My wife isn't the problem, I am.

Until I get the thoughts of AP out my head I can't move forward.

What does your IC say?

Until I get the thoughts of AP out my head I can't move forward.

I just wrote a long response to Hutch on her post. I think you should read it. What you need to correct in your thinking, it's not getting the AP out of your head, it's realizing why she is there to begin with. It's recognizing why you are using this as a crutch and figuring out how to rewire your brain through intentional activity to create healthier coping mechanisms and to reconnect to your own inner joy. You are right, this is not at all to do with your wife. This is to do with the fact you have not done the work you need to do on yourself. The pining for the AP is a way of avoiding that to try and get the high feelings from the fumes of the affair. Until you do the work on yourself you will not be able to get past this.

Oh, and sorry for the additional post. It may seem like I am hounding you. I don't mean it that way at all. I just remember how hard it was to break this, and when I see the person is doing exactly the opposite of what they need to do to break it --I just don't want to see them perpetuate it with the stories they tell themselves. It keeps the pain going, it keeps all the decisions in the air, and it keeps us from being there for our spouse.

So, anyway, I came back to tell you another thing I did that helped me with my distorted thinking. I made a list of what qualities I thought I admired about the AP. Then, I wrote out any evidence I had for or against that really being true. I realized so much of what I told myself wasn't based on anything he actually exhibited. In fact, many times there was more evidence to the contrary.

I'm posting here rather than contacting AP, I have a real urge to contact her this week.

I'm on holiday with the family, I don't know why but when me and the wife spend a lot of extended time together I think of AP more. She's the first thing I think of when I wake up, I just wish it would stop.

I have been totally honest with my wife about my thoughts of the AP, and she still wants to try, she is so strong but time is running out.

I still have the same reoccurring thought, I would have left my wife for AP if she hadn't ended it. What does this say about our marriage? I'm no clearer on what to do than a year ago.

Not sure if these help but some ideas that are currently helping me - I still am attracted to my spouse but have had some obsessive thoughts. have you read the blog Living with Limerence by an anonymous guy named Dr. Limerence? I find it really helpful. He also has an emergency deprogramming online course I am mulling over, perhaps that and/or his posts would be helpful for you.

I have dealt with intrusive thoughts and limerence, but they are fading: I read that blog, think about how my brain is lying so that it can seek any and all distractions, I read more and more infidelity horror stories (SI and edit are great), and I spend a great deal of time noticing and commenting on all the awesome qualities my spouse has, and how we are a good match.

Whenever I think of my limerent object in a positive light, I remind myself he is not that great if he wanted to be with someone like me - someone already spoken for. I think of what a hypocrite he is, how damaged he must be inside. I consider how he isn’t truly a loyal person who lived their professed values and I was obsessed with an illusion of my own creation. That helps ease some of it. And having other goals in life and things to focus on.

When we can’t get someone out of our head, it doesn’t mean they are special, it means they serve a psychological purpose and we have to figure out what we are using them for - distraction, validation, etc.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:35 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

When we can’t get someone out of our head, it doesn’t mean they are special, it means they serve a psychological purpose and we have to figure out what we are using them for - distraction, validation, etc.

So much this. The reason you haven't let her go is because there is still a psychological "reward" you are getting from theses thoughts. A lot of what has to happen is for you to figure out how to shut those thoughts down. How to replace them with things that spark your passions that are healthier.

I will be very honest, the AP in my situation ended it as well. I was a goner, this was an exit affair. And, the same is true for you. But, that doesn't mean "he" was anything special, or someone that I really was compatible with, or anything like that. It would have been the biggest regret of my life - all for chasing "feel good" stuff.

You are on a vacation with your wife and children. Make a special effort to be present and see the magic of those moments - let those be your "escape". What is this is your last family vacation together? When you have those thoughts, push them a way and focus on the moment. I know it feels involuntary, but the more you build that muscle the more you will see you have trained yourself to think about the AP to avoid the present for whatever reason that is.

What does this say about our marriage?

It doesn't say anything about your marriage. It says alot about you.

You don't give a shit about your wife till your feet are held to the fire because holding your feet to fire = her desiring you to you. You don't give a shit about anyone else except if they are fighting for you. You want attention. Period. It has nothing to do with who they are. It has nothing to do with what they deserve. You don't care. You just want people like objects to desire you and haven't spent any time what so ever doing anything. Nothing is going to change until you allow yourself to be disgusted by who you are. Not who you were, but who you still are. A user. Damn man. Stop wishing and start doing something. Stop wishing.

You are on a vacation with your wife and children. Make a special effort to be present and see the magic of those moments - let those be your "escape".

He will not. He has his wife and family at that point and there is nothing fighting for him and desiring him at the time. So, he will continue to take them for granted and take advantage. It will always be like that till he chooses to stop needing to be desired. No one will ever be enough. He is a gold fish, like I was with no self love. Nothing can fill that void till he fills it himself and he will never be grateful for the people around him and what he has as a long as that void is there. Everyone will just be objects to him. No amount of being present will work till he faces himself and gets disgusted enough with who he is to go beyond "wishing and half ass attempts".

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:16 PM, August 5th (Monday)]

I'm not sure I can do this anymore. It's been a year and I'm still thinking of AP. My wife knows I'm having these thoughts. I can't keep hurting my wife like this.

I know I have screwed up by keeping in contact with AP for a while after D day, it's been 4 months since I last text her. I have been to 2 therapists which haven't brought me any clarity. Both said I should leave

I hate that I'm hurting my wife, I should be fighting for this marriage, but my heart just isn't in it. But I can't bring myself to leave, I still love her just not in the way I used too.

Can I ask those of you that did leave after an affair, how did you know it was over?

Just leave man or take a break from her altogether.... After not having your W in your life for a few months or year the desire for her might find its way back to you.... But do something yes

@Steve23

Here the thing about divorce. It is final. Some have reconciled after divorce, sure, but very, very few. You have to be sure when you walk away because you close that door forever and alter the lives of your family forever.

I would advise this. *Figure out first why you want divorce.*

For many, their answer will differ, but what is it that you’re wanting after divorce? Are your plans to try to go back to your AP? If your AP ended things, why do you think that relationship would continue? You are still in that Limerence state. You are possibly making a decision that will change the path of your life and the lives of your family, for a relationship that is not existent. There have been some great suggestions about overcoming limerance. It’s hard work. Do that first though because if you leave your family while in that limerance state, you’ll regret it the rest of your life. That high you get from pining after your AP will fade.

With that being said, you have to do something. It’s not fair to your wife to go back and forth.

I am a WW (I’ll explain next). My reason situation does differ from you though. I am pursing divorce because I have been in an abusive relationship for 20 years. I am focusing on my self and welllbeing. Even with that being said, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I had an EA for 8 months with one physical encounter before the A ended abruptly. My AP ended it. I was where you were; devastated, “in love” (but not really), and shattered. It took me awhile as others will tell you here (and I still have a long road and lots of work to do) for me to understand that I didn’t really deal with facts. My AP was a support while I went through the madness of my marriage, my friend and more. But what I so quickly realized was he really wasn’t. He so easily walked away, stopped communication. He had pursued me even though I was married. When I needed him, he stopped all communication. Wow! I realized it wasn’t real at all. He got what he wanted from me and he was done. He really wasn’t my support or friend. The silly thing is, Of Course He Wasn’t! He was never mine and I was never his to have! I am married! I am not free nor have any right seeking confront and love from anyone! And he wouldn’t be there even if I were free because he only wanted what wasn’t his.

Here’s the thing. You get an emotional high from your AP but so does she. It’s not about how she feels about you, it’s about the thrill of the challenge. She is taking something away from somebody, that’s somebody being your wife. It’s a great ego boost for your AP! She was able to steal your attention. If you D , that thrill is gone for your AP. I promise you that. She won’t be there.

Figure out your reasons why. I would wager to say if your honest, desire for D has to do with your AP. But I can assure you, your AP won’t be there after. What will you have then? Really work to rid yourself from the desire and obsession for your AP, then see how you feel about divorce. If you still feel that’s the way to go, then you at least know it was about your marriage and not he AP.