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I'm going to chime in on the camera thing. It seems everyone focuses on the turning them on and off. I think the point that's being missed is that you can make the case she's putting your family at risk.

Imagine this conversation with your attorney eventually being shared with a judge for minute.

"I installed the cameras for home security purposes. There were break ins in the neighborhood (or whatever prompted the installation) and I am trying to keep our family and our home safe. My WW is not only randomly turning them on and off, rendering them useless and thereby lessening the safety of HER home and HER family, she's coming home drunk from bars with strange drunk men while HER children are in the home. She continues to create an UNSAFE environment at the home occupied by her children."

If your lawyer can't get some sort of TRO with that, you need a new one.

Yes I can get a temp order for one of us to move, but as my lawyer stated, if you do that, then you won't be able to document her behavior. Seems like a shitty game of chess at the moment.

This is really good to keep in mind. Once I left, I no longer had any right to be there, so any evidence I found was moot unless I wanted to admit that the step daughters had let me in and that was a can of worms. Stay if you can, though I know it will be difficult on you.

The fact that she came home, then left again, drink in hand, is telling. It shows abandonment of the children, as well as a continued drinking problem. I would not even say anything to her about her behavior, just document and let her dig her own grave.

As your attorney pointed out you can’t prevent this from happening.

I agree with the documenting, but I think it can be important that the expectations from both of you are clear. That’s why I suggested a parenting plan. I think that if you only document without there being a reasonable parenting plan in place, plus a reasonable expectation of her being aware of the plan… well… it might come out negatively.

For example: We should all be able to agree – even a “logical” wayward – that introducing boyfriends or girlfriends to children isn’t really a good idea. It’s not until it becomes “serious” that this is done. A request along this line would be deemed reasonable by most – including a judge:

While we share residencies and/or until the divorce is finalized nether of us will have people we are dating in contact or near our children, in order to help us make this transition period as painless for them as possible.

It’s also logical that you have a clear program of who is responsible for the kids at all times: Who tends to them in the morning, drops them off at school, gets them home, makes dinner, puts to bed and so on.

If your wife is dating OM on her “off” hours and is indescreet in bringing him home after the kids are in bed… well… tasteless but within her rights.

If, however she’s dumping the kids on you in order to have loud nobody-else-can-sleep monkey-sex… Document, protest.

If she has the OM over and he’s hiding in the foyer while she gives the kids grilled cheese sandwiches… Document, protest.

If she locks her bedroom doors on evenings she has the kids… Document, protest.

What you want is not a trace or history of disrespectful actions. Unfortunately they are probably legal. What you want is a trace of where she places her PERSONAL wishes above the children. Indications that she prioritizes wrong.

Regarding the cameras… Honestly… Showing OM and WW kissing at the front-door wont do ANYTHING for you or your case. Showing them kissing at the front-door with the kids nearby, or on days she has the kids… THAT would possibly be relevant.

Yes I can get a temp order for one of us to move, but as my lawyer stated, if you do that, then you won't be able to document her behavior.

You've already got enough evidence of her poor behavior, and honestly, anything more you could get wouldn't be worth the risk. The courts don't care about the grubby details when it comes to child custody. They're going to go by their own formulas and criteria. I'm not an attorney, but this point, I think establishing a safe, stable environment for the kids shows better judgment on your part. Any further documentation can be done through a parenting app, which over the course of time, will establish a pattern.

I'd go for that temp order with exclusive use of the home and primary custody.

ETA: I think moving on it now will show the court that you're legitimately offended by your WW's behavior in the family home while the children are present. If I imagine myself as a family court judge, I'm wondering why you didn't take action at the time of the offense if it was a legitimate matter of concern for you.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 11:05 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Bigger - I don't think his STBX is rational. I think she's tactical though. I think she's trying to provoke a legit DV case instead of the fictitious one she pulled last year.

I think no contact, radio silence is completely in order on this one, given her propensity to pull crap that has serious legal implications if he reacts.

The other thing is she's evil enough to try and deliberately endanger his life. And possibly her children, so telling her the cameras are there for protection doesn't get a protective response.

This woman is the kind of woman who murders her own children to carry on an affair.

[This message edited by k8la at 11:25 AM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Another update. Unfortunately I HAD to talk to this woman this morning. My parents were here and things were tense obviously but nothing bad was happening, just tension in the air. At one point my oldest son became upset and started to cry. It was then I took him upstairs to the room she was in and closed the door and said "This....this is why this needs to stop!" "Our son is crying and has no idea why" This drama in this household needs to end. There is NO reason we cannot proceed through this process and make it so our children do not suffer. I will say that the kids have always been a spot that gets to her....when they're hurt. She clearly doesn't care about spending time with them and knows damn well they prefer me over her. That being said, she broke down and a CIVIL RECORDED talk was had about not having this guy in the house anymore. I informed her she can go see him when she wants and do whatever, but under no circumstances should he be here because it WILL be a problem and I WILL invite more people over to witness and make things extremely uncomfortable for them. Of course I believe nothing she says so that remains to be seen.

I am going to install a LAN switch with another router in my house and hide it. I am then going to hook all the cameras into that router. She can turn two of them off with a switch but she can't turn them all off. That eliminates part of the problem. I am not talking to her except about our children and divorce proceedings.

About the legal stuff. I am following my attorney's advice. He's a good attorney and is giving me solid advice. There is no point in having a vindictive nature and threatening TRO's and such because I literally have no ground to stand on. I literally had 4 police officers in my driveway telling me there was nothing they could do. I am documenting, I am recording, I am separating as best I can. Fingers crossed the rest of the day/night goes ok. She works the next 6 days so that will help keep her and I apart more.

EDIT: Forgot to mention she admitted that this piece of work was in my house on Wednesday night, July 3rd, as well and in her words "You just didn't know it." I wish I could just have a bunch of people come live with me right now.

[This message edited by Hurtandbroken987 at 2:42 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

My ex has done this thru our entire D...he brought AP into our home, while I was in ICU with our grandbaby....she took photos of the items in our home, that she wanted...that he could ask for in the D...they stayed weeks together...

He was burning bridges too...HE was pushing me to file for a D...he had been preparing one on his side, all along....he just didn't want to look bad..he wanted me to be the aggressor...to look like I left him....

This happened so many times over....he is very manipulative...and gas lighting....a game player...nothing is ever as it looks....

I agree...do not engage...know your legal rights, and follow them...this cant be healthy for the children...that may be your path....I would think you could remove someone from your home....if they not wanted...she cannot not defend a married man in her bed...with you living there....?????

At the very least, the police could remove him just to keep the peace...Make a paper trail....call t he police...file a report...get this documented....don't rely on he said she said....get it official...

I feel so bad for you and your son!

This is a prime example of why adultery should be treated as a crime of domestic abuse. It is ridiculous you are being told that you cannot defend your home and children from the OM. This is a trespasser at the very least.

The OW was in my homes unbeknownst to me and certainly not while me or my child were there. I deeply admire your tenacity sir and am very proud of you and your parents.

The only thing I can think of is.....after the next 6 days rolls around and it's time to bring OM around then may I suggest you take a big piss on the bed. Hell take the entire bed and throw it out!

I guess you can always smash a class on the side of your head and tell the cops the OM threw it at you.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:11 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

at the very least.. next time your standing over them...break out the magic marker and have a field day on their faces while thier passed out.

Better yet just write on one of their faces and write shyt that will make it look like the other wrote it.

Don't forget to leave the uncapped pen in the others hand!

I mean I'm thinking nail polish on OM, some dog boo in the hand, next time try the ol' hand in the water trick and they can both piss them selves.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 10:37 PM, July 6th (Saturday)]

Hurtandbroken987, how are you doing? I hope your parents are still there with you and help you with this situation.

I really hope you could get some more sleep. Everything is so much clearer and better after some good sleep.

Hi All, for those still following this I am doing better. Sleep wise anyway. My parents coming to my "rescue" Friday night saved me. It's embarrassing that at 44 years old I need help like this. I have lived my life as best I can, served 20 years in the military and created the best life I could for my family and I am now having to resort to have my Mom and Dad stay at my house just so I could sleep. I know it's ok that they did, it just makes me feel awful as the stress is on them as well.

Things should hopefully remain calm this week, but with my WW being a raging narcissist, that me be impossible. We are both working this week, oldest son in summer camp and youngest at home with in home child care provider who is the most amazing person ever and I have been grateful since day one that we found her. She treats my little man like her own and has helped him grow so much.

That being said, things SEEM to be calm for now. I don't care what she does or who she does it with, I can ignore her and I can separate and no contact her with ease. The one and only thing that bothers me is having another man in my house. THAT is what scares me. I hope now that I retaliated, in the sense I had my parents come by, that she realizes that tactic won't work anymore and stops. The next year of my life is going to be rough.

Don't feel bad about parents helping you. From my experience with my parents I can say, that they can good about themselves being able to help. They are helping your kids too, let them. It's much better for them to be involved and helping than watching from afar and being unable to do anything while their child is hurting. It takes a lot of confidence to admit you need them. I'm proud of you.

I hope your lawyer also knows about how much she is drinking and how she was so drunk that night she couldn't have possibly heard or responded to the kids if she had to. She sounds like an alcoholic and she might be deactivating the cameras to also hide photographic evidence of how much she drinks a night.

I am documenting each time she drinks and for how long. My lawyer is aware she drinks a lot. She hasn't had any the last 2 days that I am aware of but she may have hid it last night after she got home from work. Not sure. Got myself scheduled for some counseling and am hoping it'll help me cope.

Hurt, you and I are the same age. My parents are in their 70's.

It's embarrassing that at 44 years old I need help like this. I have lived my life as best I can, served 20 years in the military and created the best life I could for my family and I am now having to resort to have my Mom and Dad stay at my house just so I could sleep. I know it's ok that they did, it just makes me feel awful as the stress is on them as well

On DDay, guess who drove to my house at 1am to take the guns from my house? My mom and dad.

When STBX got physical and was removed by the police, and I was still afraid to sleep in my own house, guess who opened their door at 3am for my kids and me, and put on a pot of coffee and fed my infant son? Talked to me all night and put my girls to bed? My parents.

When I moved 1200 miles away, near the end of pathetic R attempt, guess who followed and bought a house 20 min away? My parents.

Guess who has offered to help pay for my attorney (I haven't needed help yet!)? My parents.

Guess who slept at my house when I was afraid because STBX was driving around town drunk, and I thought he might show up? My dad.

The pattern? Our parents WANT to help us. They are glad that they can. Accept their help whenever you can. Your support system is critical. Lean on them.

I could not have done this without my parents, nor my friends and other family. True friends and loved ones will rally.

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:53 AM, July 8th (Monday)]

Get some security cameras inside. Its your house, you're able to mount cameras inside of your own home. Keep a VAR, and do not engage. especially if you catching them making out or doing inappropriate things in front of the kids, that could be used against her in the custody case.

Never be ashamed or feel bad that your parents are helping out. I'm not sure I where I would be today with out the help from my parents. I was 36 when the shit hit the fan and they helped me so much when I was down and out. You are going through a traumatic event. For me I needed all the help I could get. Parents, family, friends, hell I even made some friends at IC that helped me talking in waiting room. Reach out and get whoever will help you. I was always on my own since being an adult so I was embarrassed at first too. Now as I look back, it is a true blessing to have received all that help when I needed it!

You do have grounds. Her bringing a man into your home to have sex with us dangerous. A court will not allow this. The cops will be required to enforce a court order. This is insane.