SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Walloped,

I saw you started a thread yesterday. I’m glad you’re still on here. I’ve been here for a very long tine time and just recently posted. My D-Day was five years ago and then something major came up. It really never ends. Someone posted a link to your first thread of three years ago. It’s been very helpful. That thread maxed out and near the end you said you were starting a new thread to continue. If you did, could you possibly share the link? It would be very helpful.

The movie Unfaithul, while probably trigger inducing to many here, is spot on. They pretty much nailed everything in it. Including the woman enjoying the affair. Which is more honest than what we see here, to be honest. WW, WH here are doing damage control, let's face it. We don't get them mid affair.

Striver - I don't disagree with you. The affair feelings ARE exciting, you do get swept up in them. So, I would never deny that - why else would someone carry one on? I can remember her smiling to herself on the train and ruminating about the afternoon. I think yeah, that part is familiar.... But, the reasons it's exciting I feel is different than what was depicted in the movie.

In the movie, she is having sex with a younger Adonis-like mysterious artist type. Let's face it he was smoldering, and he was very attentive and it was all very harlequin romance.

That is not your typical affair. We are not having affairs with Diane Lane, or Richard Gere, or whoever the heck played the AP. They are usually much less attractive or attentive than anyone who would really be an ideal mate for us. And, they are usually not some imagined fantasy-based goliath in bed either. Sex in general is always depicted in movies as something it rarely plays out to be in real life and that movie is included in that. I can point at movies where the couple is married and having this crazy time, and while it looks hot, who has that kind of sex at home? Not me. Don't get me wrong, I love H and my sex life, it's just not this orchestrated pretty image you see in the cinema.

The excitement of an affair is manufactured in the person who is having the affair's head. The highs are not based on the same things, and what happened in that movie is not at all indicative of what most people experience in an affair. In fact, I think what propels most affairs is getting the other person to perceive you a certain way. You can't get your spouse to do that because they know it's not you. The high is often an ego trip of being a cooler, more vibrant, more desireable version of yourself...not really anything about the AP at all. How the AP makes you feel about yourself, not about them, or the sex. That would have been what I was thinking about on that train, that he laughed at a joke I made because I am so f*ing hilarious (spoiler alert: I am not hilarious) It's really hard for regular folk to understand because it's so sick and twisted. It's truly the bastardization of a relationship.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:36 PM, September 18th (Wednesday)]

Someone posted a link to your first thread of three years ago. It’s been very helpful. That thread maxed out and near the end you said you were starting a new thread to continue. If you did, could you possibly share the link? It would be very helpful.

The links to both threads are on my profile page. Hope it helps.

Thanks Walloped. I'm not usre how to access your profile. I've been all over this site, but must be missing something. Thanks

Just figured it out. Sorry for the mis-step.

I wonder what goes through a WS's head when they watch movies/series about infidelity?

It would be interesting to know what their thoughts were before/during/after their As.

Quite a mindf*ck I would imagine.

I wonder what goes through a WS's head when they watch movies/series about infidelity?

Well, I'm not a WS, but I have pretty much a play/play detail of my wife's A and, like most of us, have seen plenty of A movies. My best guess "this is nothing like my affair" would be the thing that most WS's would think. My W's A was nothing like any A movie I've ever seen in actual actions (now, the story she was telling herself in her head, I suspect was pretty much word/word some starry eyed love story). If you'd like to see what my W's A was ACTUALLY like, you'll need to browse over to a porn tube site rather than an A-list movie.

The movie she thought she was starring in was "Gone with the Wind". When she showed up for the casting, the script was written by those bright folks who somehow manage to put pen to paper for the 4-5 words spoken before the "action" on the bangbus. What she thought she was signing up for was a romance story with white dresses running through a wheat field. What she actually got was rushed sex in parking lots, sex in motel rooms, and more sex in a day than many get in a week. Again, take your script from any porn movie, that's what her affair actually was. And, from my personal experience, that's what almost all of them I've ever known personally are. Text, text, emoji, emoji, let's meet up behind the gas station for a BJ. <sigh>

Rideitout,

I guess it is like one of the 'parody' series.... that I had *ahem ahem* heard of....

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 4:37 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Thank you for a good laugh RIO, that was much needed after just re-reading some passages of Shirley Glass’ Not Just Friends. How many “intense emotions”, “love affair”, “deep connection”, “strong emotional attachment”, “deep sadness at the loss of the affair partner”, and other “Internet sweethearts” can your average BS cope with?! And to think this book is supposed to help. A healthy dose of SI and Frank Pittman should do me good as I’m now feeling depressed at reading, through Shirley Glass, what my husband was feeling for the COW.

I think that's true, RIO.

Early on after DDay1 my WW said they never had enough time to develop a real genuine relationship. It was just getting together long enough to fuck. I asked why then, according to WW, they didn't spend more time together than it took to fuck when the opportunity was there. She didn't know.

She said he was a good guy and cared deeply for her and she always felt he was safe. Asked why, then, she felt she had to let him into her hotel rooms at 5 am and she said she was afraid he might make a scene in the hall and she didn't want the attention - but she felt she had nothing to fear from him. She also told him that if he ever revealed what they were doing she would turn him in to CRA (IRS in the US). She still thought it was all rainbows and unicorns. And she was never going to leave me to actually live with him.

I wonder what goes through a WS's head when they watch movies/series about infidelity?

It would be interesting to know what their thoughts were before/during/after their As.

Before her A, my wife had the typical condescending / disgusted attitude of “how could they?” She couldn’t understand it, thought it was horrible, etc. I don’t know what the hell was going through her mind during her A when it came to watching movies or TV shows. After DDay, when it pops up she’s ashamed and embarrassed mostly. She thinks it gets romanticized and is nothing like reality. Whenever infidelity rears it’s head when we’re watching something, she’ll ask if I’m okay, do I want to stop, she’ll apologize for her A, and usually comment about how they don’t show the pain, the impact on the BS and the family, or even the feelings of self-loathing the WS goes through.

Personally I think she hates watching anything infidelity related but won’t say so because then the message is that she can’t handle watching it, but doing it was perfectly fine? So she just deals with it. As do I, for that matter.

Quite a mindf*ck I would imagine.

Oh yes. For both of us, actually.

Before her A, my wife had the typical condescending / disgusted attitude of “how could they?” She couldn’t understand it, thought it was horrible, etc. I don’t know what the hell was going through her mind during her A when it came to watching movies or TV shows. After DDay, when it pops up she’s ashamed and embarrassed mostly. She thinks it gets romanticized and is nothing like reality. Whenever infidelity rears it’s head when we’re watching something, she’ll ask if I’m okay, do I want to stop, she’ll apologize for her A, and usually comment about how they don’t show the pain, the impact on the BS and the family, or even the feelings of self-loathing the WS goes through.

Same. I am more inclined anymore to say "what a bunch of horseshit" and change the channel. But, it's hard to do that all the time - infidelity is in everything we watch. It's mind boggling how prevalent it is. I sometimes wonder if it was always that way or now I am just sensitive to it.

Personally I think she hates watching anything infidelity related but won’t say so because then the message is that she can’t handle watching it, but doing it was perfectly fine?

I get what you are saying here. But, the hypocrisy existed in the past. "Oh, how could they do it" and then goes and does it. That was me and that was being a hypocrite. I had no respect for anyone who cheated and then did it myself. It's not hypocritical to hate it moving forward, it would in fact be very weird if we didn't and concerning.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:28 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Hikingout,

I didn’t say she didn’t hate it. I was surmising the reason she doesn’t say that she wants to change the channel or can’t deal with watching it is because it would paint her as some delicate flower who can’t handle watching anything infidelity related, despite actually doing it. So she sits through it, as embarrassed and ashamed as she might be, as long as I don’t mind watching (she always checks with me about that). Sometimes I get fed up and change what we’re watching, other times not.

Again, if she actually changed the channel on me, I’d be pissed, and my thought process would definitely be along those lines. Like you had no problem doing X, Y, and Z but poor baby is uncomfortable with me and her being reminded of what she did by seeing it on TV? Really? And I think she gets that my head would go there so other than making sure I’m okay and apologizing, she doesn’t say boo about changing what we’re watching.

Sorry, no I didn't mean she didn't hate it now.

I was responding to the fact that you said she hated it now, but doing it was fine? I was just pointing out that the hypocrisy was in the past:

Hating it + No longer doing it = Not Hypocritical

Hating it + but then doing it = Hypocritical

I may not have worded that response any better. I know Mrs. Wallop hates it now. If she did ask to change the channel now, I am not sure I understand why THAT is hypocritical. I change the channel sometimes depending on what is going on. If H is present, I always ask him too if he would like to watch something different. To date, we always agree when it's too ridiculous and we change it. Maybe I am misunderstanding you.

ETA: I thought of a clearer scenario. Reformed smokers. They especially hate cigarette smoke, they can't stand it and they are usually the most vocal about asking people to move. Is that hypocritical? Could be I guess, if you hold the idea that they probably acted really put out when you used to ask them to move for the same reason. But, I don't think it is because they do not like it even more than a normal person because of what it meant to their life to stop.

[This message edited by hikingout at 2:51 PM, September 19th (Thursday)]

I think I see where the disconnect is. I’m not talking about hypocrisy. I’m talking about being able to deal with what she did and face it even if it makes her uncomfortable. And I wouldn’t be that okay with her not being able to handle seeing infidelity portrayed, just because she’s embarrassed. Again, it’s not about hypocrisy. So, and again this is all me guessing, I think she knows that and that’s why she doesn’t leave the room or expressly ask to change the channel. Because my view would be “don’t get all squeamish about it now.” And I understand that she hates it now. But she still needs to

Be sensitive to how I’d perceive her reaction to it, and she is. Having said that, in no way do I shove it down her throat or call her out on it. I’m talking about feelings and how attitudes can impact a BS if not thought through properly.

I sensed I was missing something. Thanks for clarifying. A lot of times when a bs says something I don’t understand, that is when I really key into asking questions. H is not a big communicator on these things.

I will say it’s not that I am squeamish or embarrassed, Moreso it makes me angry that infidelity is so flippantly represented. It ruins the story line sometimes for me. We live in a society that normalizes infidelity more than long term happy marriages. That’s why I wasn’t following you at all.

I am no film expert but have watched many Hollywood and foreign films covering infidelity. In all those years I have yet to see one that is a true portrayal of the subject.

I remember watching Blithe Spirit with the ‘romantic’ meetings in the station café etc. Yes, she seemed to at least care for her husband but if only she had met this wonderful doctor earlier. ….When he had gone she was close to stepping off the platform, even with a son at home I recollect, because of the loss of her fantasy.

It was a puzzling message; then I had a thought. What was the director David Lean like? He had been married 6 times; bedded hundreds of women and the only wife he did not divorce was the one with him when he died. So there is your answer. Do not concern yourself with musings of those with no moral centre.

Your wife compartmentalised her affair. She led two lives: her ‘day’ life with her lover and her ‘night’ life with you and your family. There was not a snow-flake’s chance in hell that you could have detected her cheating.

Hollywood rationalises affairs partly to justify their existence in its midst but also to create romance and drama when really all there is is disrespect and betrayal.

I hope you are both well.

Hollywood is selling movies for the most park.

The question is not are these movies accurate after the affair is over and consequences happen but are they accurate for during the affair.

OM may not have been Richard Here but then again he did not have to be or was OM Richard Here in your eyes at the time.

Walloped,

Oh yes. For both of us, actually.

It never really goes away, does it?

Did your daughters watch the movie also? What was their reaction to it?

Any squirming in their seats, any side glances? or did they take it all in like any other movie?

Am only asking as I am curious if they had 'learned' anything from your fWWs A? Please do not feel obliged to answer if it is uncomfortable or too personal.

Anyway, I hope all is well in Casa Walloped.

It never really goes away, does it?

Nope. At least in my experience, R can be going great and things are doing well, but it doesn’t go away. It’s there in the back, tucked away, and rears it’s head at the oddest times. Not necessarily bad or harmful, but there.

Please do not feel obliged to answer if it is uncomfortable or too personal.

Too personal? After what I’ve shared here?

It was just me. Two of my girls are now married and the 3rd is in college. My boys are teenagers and would have had no interest in this kind of movie. Now Avengers: Endgame on the other hand...

As far as if they’ve learned from my wife, short answer is yes, but to be honest I don’t have deep conversations about her A with them anymore. We did for a while once they found out and were going through therapy, but after that stopped, we don’t really talk about it too much. That’s for Mom and Dad. On occasion there might be a question or two for me, but that’s rare. I do know my wife talks to them about it and has many heart to hearts. I’m certain that’s had a huge impact on their frame of mind in how they view infidelity, especially in light of the crappy messages that they get bombarded with on the subject from TV and movies.