SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have read through all of these and have been struck by how many of them my xwh said almost to the word... anyone else?

Just shakin my head all over

Oh my, can I play?

A few highlights:

"I didn't know I was doing anything wrong!"

"I thought all guys did this!"

"I'm going to have to get divorced to stop hearing about it!" (This was approximately 8 weeks after DDay.)

=/

HEY!

I got, "It was an accident" too!

Also, "I never meant to hurt you."

Also, "I didn't leave home planning to do this."

So... that means that at the moment you *did* decide to do it, that didn't count? Or... something???

Me: did you sleep with him?

XWW: I don’t know

Me thinking: he must not be very good. When I have sex with a woman, she usually notices.

“I love you with every fibre of my being”.

“I felt obliged”

[This message edited by Stumblingon at 4:37 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Me: Did you never consider that you might be bringing home an STD?

Him: Of course not. She’s a married woman.

“He told me he was clean”

Me: "Did you use protection?"

WH: "We didn't need to since I had the vasectomy."

Me: "What about STDs? Didn't you even think about the fact that she was a sexually active 20-something year old?"

WH: "No. She told me she was clean."

Me: "When did she tell you this?"

WH: "We discussed it before the first time."

Me: "So, you stopped long enough to talk about whether it was safe for either of you (she was not on any birth control)?

WH: "Yes"

Me: "And you believed her?"

WH: "Yes. She said she had to have a physical every year as part of her job and that she had been tested."

Me: "She works for (Major Government Agency)! Why the hell would they need to test her for STDs?"

WH: silence...

I both love and hate these because they are allllll the same. Serious fucking morons.

My fave was we could be friends. Uh...my friends don’t betray gaslight and emotionally abuse me. They don’t fuck up my kids lives. I havent got friends like that.

My friends are loyally, true and honest. You aren’t, buddy.

You just never wanted anyone to know what you were doing, because it’s slimy Nd disgusting. Own it.

"I don't feel like I have a cheater's heart."

This was him, on the phone to me a couple months before our divorce was final, telling me how he'd screwed up and cheated on his girlfriend (not the OW, so I have no hard feelings towards her) and asking for advice.

Dropped the phone laughing at him.

There are many, but a couple that stand out are...

Our DD was due to graduate soon in the same field as him and would be working together.

DD was to be home soon visiting and WH accidentally butt dialed AP and she was saying hello, hello,? So I was trying to get his phone from him (so I could figure out who this woman was) and I said “if you don’t tell me who this person is I’m going to tell DD what’s been going on” and his reply was “and risk ruining her career?”

2nd - when I asked if they had done much sexting he replied “not once, she isn’t like that”. (3rd married man)

Me: “K”

.

The worst part for me was the realization that I felt dumber every time he opened his mouth because I had actually made the choice to marry this person. His stupidity was fucking with my self-esteem. "OMG no, stop talking...you're making ME look dumb at this point."

Thanks, Dee. It's been almost 9 years, and that's the first time I've seen words that describe what i felt some of the time.

He told someone else that he cheated and beat me and it was my fault because I had low self esteem.

At various times after I found out he went into debt to have sex (and the worst one didn't even do that) with "sugar babies" he found all on the same pay to play "dating" site

"they are NOT protsitues, they care about me"

"she was my freind" he payed her $1000 to have dinner with him several times (and he did have sex with her once)

"they are good people"

"I was disterbed by how old they were" youngest was almost 25 years younger, most were over 20 years younger, the craziest one looked maybe 16, he saw her for two months

"I was helping them"

About the one who looked 16 "she never wanted me to pay her anything" That was when I knew he was paying them. He said this as "proof" that she actually cared about him, while also maintaining they all cared about him.

After I laughed in his face when I found out the one he paid for 9 months and was still "seeing" and paying wouldn't have sex with him "she needs to know I really care about her, she has a history of meaningless sex"

And last but not least after I found the debt and the crazy amounts he charged on the one that wouldn't have sex "she had credit card debt and needed my help"

ETA: more typical why I cheated "I thought we were dead" he did blame himself for "killing us". We were so dead he left me right? Hell no, he hid everything from me and blamed the weird way he was acting, and his absences on Codependency and Coda.

[This message edited by MaryannFaithful at 7:27 PM, October 5th, 2019 (Saturday)]

"My affair made me a better husband."

Really? You believe that?

Cat

Said out of the blue while committing adultery and I didn't know:

"I don't want to hurt you, Steady".

Me: What's that mean?

Her: Nothing. I just don't want to hurt you.

Me: There's more. What is it?

Her: Nothing more. I just don't want to hurt you.

LTA lasted another year. Guess between me and AP it was better to not hurt the AP.

After DDay(s):

Me: Why didn't you use protection? (I was demanding she get tested)

Her: He said he hasn't has sex for 18 months.

Me: His wife caught him having sex with a different woman and left him (but not before WW and AP started up). Couldn't he have caught something?

Her: Well, nothing showed up in 18 months.

Me: You believed him. Do you remember the sex ed classes our daughters took in high school about STDs and how they might not show up?

Her: silence.

I guess they were safe because he had a vasectomy and she had her tubes tied.

Me: You were very vulnerable - marriage, his supervisor so you would be fired, reputation, daughters. He had no risk.

Her: I was never afraid of him doing something.

Me: Why did you threaten him that you would go to the CRA with information you knew of him cheating on his taxes?

Her: I was afraid he might tell you and others about what we were doing.

Me: Why did you agree for him to come to your hotel room at 5 in the morning when you wanted to sleep? (happened twice according to WW)

Her: I was afraid if I didn't he would come to my door and raise a ruckus and others would find out what we were doing.

Me: But he was loving and caring and he would do nothing to hurt you so you had nothing to fear from him.

Her: silence

"You go to work all dolled up, and I'm just supposed to sit home like Mr Mom."

He said this dozens of times over the years.(I wore a uniform, utility belt, and men's shoes to work. My hair pulled back in a very tight braided bun, as required by my job. Minimal makeup, usually just mascara and blush, so I didn't look like a corpse, as I'm very fair.)

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:27 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

Me:. Did you have sex with her?

Him: I don't remember.

Another "They are good people."

"Their husbands were violent." (All 60 of them? And a generally a woman's reaction to a violent husband is to do something that will guarantee he kills her...aka CHEAT)

"They cared about me."

"They were jealous of you." (Because WH is such a catch )

"It wasn't that much. There were years I didn't cheat at all!!" (Not true, based on my discoveries)

"I didn't see them that much. Sometimes only every few weeks!"

"I just wanted to be loved!" (and NSA craigslist meetups are the way to get that!)

"I never thought of the consequences!" (Which is why he kept everything secret. Surely I wouldn't care if I found out...)

"Sometimes I canceled dates with them to come home to you! That's how much I want this marriage!"

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 11:36 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]

"Sometimes I canceled dates with them to come home to you! That's how much I want this marriage!"

Omg, that is so dumb. “That’s how much” = sometimes cancelling dates with other people.

“I don’t know.”

That was the answer to a whole host of questions about why and how could you. I think I would have an easier time with a real answer, even a stupid one. “You have B.O.” or “You leave the seat up!” But you do something of this magnitude with enormous consequences and your answer to why or what you were thinking is the same answer a 5 year old would give??? That drove me nuts.