SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This guy was not sticking around for one bj to completion, two unfinished bjs and some kissing. Wake up here. They had sex and more times that you have been told. I'm sorry, she's not being truthful.

. She has been extremely remorseful and is doing everything right now. Begging me to stay. We are 9 months out now from D day but im in a state of ambivalence. I don't know what to do. I love her but I cant say staying is the right thing to do. I have recently spoken to other women.

(From your OP) First two sentences, that's not nothing from your wife. Some betrayed husbands don't get that from their wives. From another post you wrote she dropped her alcoholic friends, that's a big step in the right direction, too. You've got 29 years together and two teenage children, and you've written you still want her and love her. others reading your posts understand it's a lot to give up if you divorce.

You're undecided what to do. Have you thought about trying 3 months of working to improve your marriage, giving it one last chance. This isn't a life sentence, it's 3 months. Try date nights every week with your wife, start with a date night tonight. Do your damnedest to put aside the ambivalence and work on your relationship.

What have you got to lose? If the prospect of this appalls you, there you go - divorce.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get past this.

It's ok if you don't. You don't have to attempt R. You can D.

So why am I talking to ladies now? Being faithful for so long I have no idea what it means to have a connection with another woman. The rest of my life starts now. I want our marriage survive this but I need to know it’s “ the right thing” to save. See, I love her but I don’t know if staying is right. I feel if I experience women on an emotional level it may shed light on me to know what to do.

This is pretty awful. That means you are just using and stringing along innocent women. How can you develop an emotional connection with someone if you aren't really free to act on it? What if someone falls in love with you and you decide to go back to your wife? People aren't toys you can just use and discard. The focus on needing to be desired signals an issue within yourself that you should spend some time examining. It's internal, not external.

honestly, with you already interested in other women, you're putting your WW in the same position as she did you. You're placing her as Plan B, and no better A supply comes your way, you will stay with her, if you find someone else you and connect with you're gone. I think its clear, you should just end it with your wife. You keep saying you want to know whats out there, what you're missing since you both got together so early in life.

You cab still be good coparents. End it now, so that you can keep the peace with her and work together to raise the kids. You can both go your separate ways

You've both been mean to each other.

Decide to change and love and value each other or stop this unhappy situation.

Don't go out and use others while you still have anger inside. Now you have both turned away from your partner. No one is better than the other. No excuses why you or her did this or that bad decision. It was hurtful and selfish. If this is what you have to offer people then what good is it to you or to them.

She's willing to give it an honest try. Are you? Can you let go of the anger and disdain? If you can't then gracefully move on and stop wasting her and your time.

I’m going to be blunt here. Your wife suffered dreadful trauma in her early life. You question whether that ‘may be’ an excuse for her behaviour and then justify your shady visit to the Ukraine to fuck random girls and your continued dodgy communications as your low self esteem after her affair, And this is ok?

The hypocrisy is staggering.

Your wife is in desperate need of counselling to unpick the damage done to her in her early life. Either be there for her and move forward with compassion and empathy or leave her. But don’t keep this up in front of your children! The damage will be irreparable and children notice everything!

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 3:13 AM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

Dude. Real talk here.

If your wife was sober enough to bounce her mouth up and down on this dude's dick enough to make him cum, then she wasn't so drunk that she can't recall whether he blew off in her mouth and if she made the effort to swallow his load.

Which he did cum in her mouth and she did swallow, or she never would be hedging in whether or not it happened.

Also, this kid was fucking different women around town, but your wife just blew him in his truck a few times?

Come on. He fucked her a bunch of times, and whatever he wanted, she gave to him.

Don't try to sugarcoat this. Even the best case scenario she is trying to sell you on is more than bad enough.

***

Finally, I don't share the outrage of other posters that you decided to fuck some strange once your wife decided you are in an open marriage.

I am not saying it is "right", but in my view, once a spouse has decided to fuck someone outside the marriage, you don't owe them your chastity.

They unilaterally washed away those obligations. What are you cheating on? Nothing, that's what. So stop worrying about that.

***

Now you have to decide if you want to wring the truth out of your lying, cheating, untrustworthy wife, and what your plan is whether you get those answers or not.

You should be looking into getting her to write a timeline with detailed accounts of what she did, subject to verification by polygraph.

If you feel you need to, you can probably learn more via phone recovery using Fonelab, phone monitoring, and a well-placed Voice Activated Recorder, a "VAR".

But I think you want to leave her, and that is probably a good idea, so 5hink it over.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:34 PM, December 24th (Tuesday)]

Sorry, my opinion has always been that sacred marriage vows are not conditional based on what your spouse does. It sounds like a nice excuse and cheap rationalization to go out and have sex with other people though. You have broken your own vows. That’s on you. You would do best if you want to play the field and see what’s out there to file for D. If you have a need to feel desired by others, move on.

You say you love your wife yet we’re quite happy to screw other women go validate yourself. Which is exactly what she did. You both need extensive counselling.

And your wife is not telling you the whole truth.

I guess at this point it does not matter if the kid busted or not. It’s still gross to me. I do believe her though and do believe she did not screw him. I know when she is lying or telling the truth after 28 years together. She gets angry and loud back to me when falsely accused and the opposite when guilty. Very quiet when guilty. Bad liar. As I said I guess it doesn’t matter? Even if she did these things it’s still bad

I get what is being said here. I get it and I do appreciate the responses

I guess I could just leave but I’m serious..... I don’t know if I want too. I have no idea if I should stay. Love is not enough right?

I truly want to know if staying is right. I do not want to leave yet fir the kids. I may need to at least separate to see if it’s right. I will most likely do this. If I come back then it was meant to be. If I don’t?........ so be it

Fuck 'should'. Fuck 'is it right'. Fuck 'love is not enough'. Fuck all the thoughts in your head.

Start with what you want, whether you think it's accessible or not. Then match your desire to your reality and adjust. If you both want R and are willing to do the necessary work, R is possible. If one of you wants D, or if one or both of you are unwilling to do the work necessary for R, D is the way to go.

A good IC will help you identify that, if you're having trouble doing through the healing process.

Separating to play the field only delays doing the work you have to do to deal with the big questions you need to resolve in order to heal from being betrayed and betraying.

Heal first. Once you start healing, decide between D & R.

Look at Sisoon droppin the F-bombs! Don’t often see that. What the fuck? That’s my Shtick buddy!

“Separating to play the field only delays doing the work you have to do to deal with the big questions you need to resolve in order to heal from being betrayed and betraying.“

I hear you loud and clear but your assuming one or the other........ that I know if I want too stay or to go. I don’t know yet. As I’ve said, I’ve been with her for 29 years. Married for 19. I have no idea at this point if staying is right. Yes I still love her, yes she is remorseful, yes she is doing everything right at this point ( Individual councilor and couples counseling). Yes she has I’m treated traumas in her past which I also consider

She has agreed to a polygraph and a hypnotist to find out all the details she says she forgets ( another reason I believe most of what she says now)

I just don’t know if I would like being alone or with another better than staying with her. I have compelling reasons to stay and go I guess. I also think that the longer this gets drawn out the better chance I will see how true she is. I mean, she has been through my going to the Ukraine and been touching it out for 9 months since my D day. If I choose to stay I want to make sure it’s the right choice

“Separating to play the field only delays doing the work you have to do to deal with the big questions you need to resolve in order to heal from being betrayed and betraying.“

I hear you loud and clear but your assuming one or the other........ that I know if I want too stay or to go. I don’t know yet. As I’ve said, I’ve been with her for 29 years. Married for 19. I have no idea at this point if staying is right. Yes I still love her, yes she is remorseful, yes she is doing everything right at this point ( Individual councilor and couples counseling). Yes she has I’m treated traumas in her past which I also consider

She has agreed to a polygraph and a hypnotist to find out all the details she says she forgets ( another reason I believe most of what she says now)

I just don’t know if I would like being alone or with another better than staying with her. I have compelling reasons to stay and go I guess. I also think that the longer this gets drawn out the better chance I will see how true she is. I mean, she has been through my going to the Ukraine and been touching it out for 9 months since my D day. If I choose to stay I want to make sure it’s the right choice

ks6691,

You make a good wayward with all your Plan A/B talk, wanting to play the field, etc. Worse - you are throwing it in her face. I'm amazed your WW is still wanting to R.

You should just call it a day and leave and get some help for your own wayward behaviours before you get involved with anyone else.

So what you’re stringing your remorseful, distressed wife along while you decide if there’s something better round the corner and play the field?

I really think you’d be better helped in the wayward forum.

[This message edited by Dragonfly123 at 7:12 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

You are an unremorsrful cheater. You should do her a favor, and divorce her.

I am going to take a different stand on this one.

Your WW destroyed your psyche and crippled your marriage. She doesn't deserve the sympathy that some here feel for her.

However, you are responsible for your own actions and counter-cheating is a bad move.

if there was a chance to take the high ground and walk away and divorce, you lost the high ground.

If you wanted any chance on getting back together in a healthy manner with her, you damaged that too.

However, after 9 months of oblivion, it is obvious that your marriage will never be stable or healthy.

Do what's right and walk away but don't retaliate anymore because it's not going to fix what she did and it only reflects poorly on you.

As Faithfulman said, you don't owe her your loyalty as she burned everything to the ground and I think you know the answer on whether it was just BJs or not. In my mind, it went well beyond that and it was many times. Despite not owing her your loyalty, you owe it to yourself not to be the bad guy either and rope other people into the soap opera your marriage has become.

But whatever you do, if you stay together, polygraph and then go see a counselor separately. If you divorce, find a way to do it amicably.

I can only pray that your kids and their moral values aren't damaged by what your wife did to you or your actions either