SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AS someone with ADHD who has had a parent with it, and raised a child with it, I would suggest that you create a VERY Structured routine on who does what when w/ the kids.

Then pull away from her as much as you can. Stop trying to control the outcome of the M. You can't control her, and you can't make her want to save her M. No matter how badly you want it, you cannot love her enough to make her want to be a decent wife.

I would really encourage you to read "No More Mr Nice Guy". You need to break your cycle of pursuer, and you need to also stop accepting any attention from her as being good, regardless of how disrespectful it is. To be able to do that though you need to value yourself more than you are. Remember that even if you want to save this M for the sake of your kids that you are currently exhibiting what an M is. Do you want your kids to grow up and think that this dynamic is normal? To repeat the same shitty mistakes? Then set a better example. If you don't know where to start then consider getting an IC or life coach that will help you find your worth and voice.

I was the pursuer in the pursue-withdraw relationship for a long, long time. I broke that cycle. How? By purposely doing things for myself that I enjoy. Sometimes, that meant doing things with my kids. Most often, that meant doing things on my own or with friends. Spending time at the shooting range. Going to baseball games. Heading out to the batting cages. Playing on the church softball team. Anything that I enjoyed doing, I allowed myself to do, purposely NOT doing it with my wife.

What was the result? Eventually, she turned her behavior around and began pursuing time with me. We are much healthier now for two reasons. She has seen that I am not dependent on her for my own happiness. And, that took away the power she thought she held over me. She then came to understand that my time spent with her was not a right, but a privilege that was earned. I don't say that from a place of massive ego, but from a place of "if you treat me with respect, I am happy to spend time with you."

The small changes have made all the difference.

Re: Cap's post.

Amazing how those boundaries that tell others how much we value ourselves tend to evoke being treated much better by them.

If WW wants space, I say she can have it. Give her all the space she needs. My guess is something will change eventually and she'll realize what space really means.

Gunnut,

You do it by demanding exactly what you need, not only to stay in the relationship, but what you need to have a happy and fulfilling life.

I would write it out. If for no other reason but so that you yourself know what it is you need. What do you need from your partner in order to be in a relationship with her?

In all aspects...

- intimacy

- respect

- assurance

- safety

- affection

- remorse

- transparency

- support

- honesty

- enjoyment

- and love.

Write out what you need to see, hear and feel from her in order for the relationship to be worth it to you. If you like what you have written, give it to her and let her know you are done with talking and counseling for the foreseeable future. That you won’t be wasting your time on her anymore.

And then stick to those requirements. Don’t promise a damn thing til you get those things. Until you have all of them in front of you for a consistent period of time.

And then, until then, YES, start to move on. Start to find a path on your own, legally, emotionally, physically and Intellectually. If she someday wakes up and realizes you are the one she wants to be those things for, then it’ll be up to her, not you, to make that happen.

You only get one life my friend. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t return to you what you give to them.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 10:55 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]