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Would you be able to date if you separated? I am just putting this out there...maybe he doesn't want to leave and you to truly leave because he has the upper hand and control. He at this point owns you. He is really blunt about that. Do you share all this with your IC? Tell the IC what he says about sex.

None of this is easy.

No, it’s not. I’m sorry.

(((pinkpggy)))

I am sorry, Pink.

Pink, it sounds like you are both utterly miserable in this marriage. Sometimes divorce is a loving act. It's okay to divorce in this situation. It might be the kindest thing either of you can do for one another at this point. There's no point in sticking around to be abused and there's no point in him trying to R when it's turning him into a worse person.

Though I'm sure my XWH would disagree and divorcing him wasn't for his benefit, I did do us both a favor. The caliber of woman he'd have been left with had I stayed wouldn't have been anyone I'd want to be. I would not be a good R candidate and that's okay. Likely your husband isn't either.

What if you two divorced and it resulted in you both becoming healthier human beings? That's not a negative thing.

[This message edited by DevastatedDee at 9:14 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

3 to 5 years. You're coming up on the third dday anniversary. Some of what you are posting is normal. Some isn't.

Do you love him? Are you in love with him?

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:34 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Zugzwang,

I totally agree with you about what lessons it’s teaching them—after all, my parents did the same thing (minus infidelity) and I am vividly aware of the lessons it taught ME—I mean, look where I am in life, right?

But they are only 2 and 4, and my older has special needs. I am not willing to only see my babies 50% of the time at this stage, nor am I willing to take them away from their father for that 50%. I may not like him as a husband, but he is still their daddy and they’re crazy about him. I will reevaluate as they get older and more able to understand things.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 10:23 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Hi Pinkpggy,, like you I'm not on here much these days but I saw your post and I'm sorry to read that you and your H are not happy.

I would suggest - and I appreciate this is difficult - you try your best to disentangle the A and the M.

You know you did wrong with the A and you've done a lot of hard work since. We don't need to go over old ground. But being a WS doesn't negate your right to be happy and frankly, if you are unhappy, you are not actually helping your H anyway. And nor is he if you, the M, the A or - most likely - a combination is stopping him from feeling happy.

I'm only going on what I am reading, so I'm not trying to lead you in any direction, simply to say that perhaps you need to step back and consider some really basic questions.

1. I had an A and I have done a lot of work since to repair the damage as best I can. Is our unhappiness because of his ongoing hurt over that and if we could find a way forward would be both be happy? Am I expecting too much too quickly?

2. Do I feel that my H will never recover from the damage I have done and perhaps we just have to admit to that and move apart?

3. Despite the above, we're just not right for each other? Or he's not right for me (you haven't lost the right to feel that way)? So we need to move apart.

Of course some of these threads are entwined but if you can disentangle them as best you can, then maybe it will help determine how to go forward.

As a WS it's reasonable to expect both barrels upon discovery and a bumpy ride during R. It's also reasonable to expect that the A will raise its head from time to time and that sometimes that will be unexpected and out of context. You've signed up for that.

It's not reasonable at this point for someone to explicitly expect sex to be only about them, or to behave in ways that are not compatible with a loving M.

I wish you a lot of luck whatever you decide.

Divorce and have in house separation. I had a friend who lived like that. His parents lived on separate floors. They were divorced and dated other people. There were a ton of ground rules. Though I don't know how it wasn't awkward all the time. I get no one wants to be without their kiddos. Part of my awakening was that I knew if my wife left me, she would easily find someone new and probably treat her better than I did. I didn't want anyone else being a father to my children or touching her and sharing her future with her and my family.

I can see Where you are coming from Darkness Falls. My kids are 9 & 11 and I still am not ok with 50%. It doesn't get easier. In North Carolina you have to be legally separated for 1 year. That means separate homes and a separation agreement filed. Then you can divorce. There is no such thing as in house separation.

In a way we sort of already live separate lives. Any choice is hard. Stsy, go, live in limbo.

[This message edited by pinkpggy at 4:41 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

PP, I think he was referring to me. I’m sorry for t/j’ing your post.

I saw that! But I adjusted my reply. It doesn't get easier as they get older because then they are more aware. It's harder to go.

The kids are obviously a big part of it. I don't think it's about whether they will cope with separation, because lots of kids do. Rather, it's about how you would feel with less than 24/7 access.

You've got to balance all these aspects. Perhaps it's time to sit down and ask yourself some really basic questions about what you want and why neither of you seem happy.

As I said before, I am merely going from the printed word but the sense I get from how you express yourself is that you have very serious doubts about the future of your M.

So you need to try and figure out why that is, whether there's anything you can do about it and whether you want to do anything about it.

Sounds simple! I know it's very tough but neither of you are doing anyone any favours, especially the kids, if you are truly unhappy.