"That she wasn't "that bad" is questionable. Maybe it feels that way to you."
I know that sarcasm doesn't covey easily through internet forums, so I want to specify that it's not how I feel, but I can see it from a perspective of a person that tries to minimize or has low standards (or likely both). You have definitely different standards.
Something very similar happened to me at a similar age as you, probably in a close time range as you, the difference being that I didn't allow her to hover back after she got dumped, though I was so much in limerance, as sisoon says, that a year after our break up, when I saw her on the other side of the street, I walked into a street light. If I did let her back in, I would experience similar or worse behavior then you did. I know it for sure, because I know her next guy.
I think that maybe certain experiences can be more harmful at certain stages of life then others. During that time I felt things that I never felt later in life with that intensity and some of them got etched into my brain in a way that is hard to fully erase. Maybe this is also a factor for you?
It's ok, I 'felt the tone' of your post, I was "85% sure" it was sarcasm but thanks for clarifying!
Limerence was a factor, but I have no limerence for her after the betrayal, I had disgust. My plan was to make her come all the way, make her clearly feel the disgust and vomit, show her the porn her OM filmed and sold while she was not aware, drop her off like shit, have my "new girlfriend" (which I broke up with when she contacted me back, but for simplicity), show up in the car when I would give her a ride to pick a plane back with a one way ticket to FU land, and give her back at least a tiny fraction of the humiliation she reserved for me, especially since she swear she was always in love with me and she can't believe she did what she did.
And I had physical disgust for her body, for 17 years I could never rip off the image of her with that fat short rat, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts (when the person who showed me the porn thinking it would help me to get over the pain for her saw my reaction she was about to bring me to a hospital, I felt THAT bad, when you want to vomit your soul out). I need to know, that's a thing I am cursed with, and seeing your Wayward partner with OM/OW it's another scar you will bring for life. But I NEED to see the truth, no matter how it hurts, I can't get peace without, lies are worse than anything else for me.
So Limerence yes, she is the only person I felt it for. The only unusual thing is I had it for the girl I saw on the balcony, limerence is idealized, fantasy, I saw all of her, all her flaws, all her red flags, her faults, her dark side, not only the good idealized things.
And she saw the same in me. Jung would call it "anima / animus" it is something weird I never found in another person, and I had plenty, I am very perceptive about both men and women (this is probably some attunement people develop when they are emotionally abandoned at birth, along with difficulty in relying on others or feeling natural trust to find help outside yourself).
We clicked in everything, fought on anything. I always liked our fights, it's a quarrel between equals, I did not want her to change her stance she never wanted to change mine, it was always short and ending up with a good energy attraction and makeup, we are very different and still so complementary.
I only warned her what could truly break me, infidelity and betrayal, and she warned me about what could truly hurt her. So I made sure never to hurt her. While she did worse than killing me with this one.
It was not a close time with my girlfriends and betrayals, I was hurt at 16, at 21, then she finally killed at 27.
That's all my "Romantic life" which is pathetic. Being a 'playboy', someone fearing to connect with women not to be hurt does not count as romantic or love, it was coping and pain, a learned mistrust of females (even my 4th girlfriend was a trauma bonding, I had force myself to develop feelings for her, but it was projection).
And I know out there there are girls who are capable of giving me the kind of connection I can give back, I feel there are, my "surrender" made me receptive again, I feel I can let myself go today without fear of loss or anxiety, and I will not accept any red flags.
She left me forever emotionally naked, which is very pleasant for other people to be in my presence and interact with me if they are open and honest (it is also natural for me to be open and straight forward with people now), or very uncomfortable for narcissists and "shitty people", I have no more 'social filters': I 'like you', you know it. I 'dislike you', you know it too outright, no hiding, no pleasantry. [it's a matter of behavior and consistency, BS does not fly, it's healthy because people drop the BS immediately and follow up, narcissists squirm and almost beg for a validation that never comes, end up humiliating themselves by almost begging, looking like fools].
This is something I can live with, it is kind of rough, kind of natural. Saves you time, words, emotional energy, gives clarity. You are like a grown up child in some ways. I like it.
What I truly miss, is to find the confirmation of something I believe it exist:
My body learned this lesson "women are not to be trusted. They are natural cheaters". She etched this in stone (the other 2 betrayals almost do not count, that's how deep her wound was).
I don't believe it, not anymore. The rest of my 'self' truly feels there are good women out there.
And here is the change: No matter how many are "inappropriate with me" while in a relationship, we had a birthday party last week where out of 5 married / partnered girls ranging from 20-40, 3 where overtly sexual and flirting with me.
That always made me feel uncomfortable and disgusted before, now I laugh it off, I "cut them off" speak and interact with their husbands / boyfriends to "turn the light on" their partners behavior so they feel there is "no competition from me over their partner" and relax.
People notice when their partner is directed towards WP, they noticed. They just did not say anything because it is awkward your woman misbehaving when you are present.
I feel the instinctive need to both 'reassure' these men I am not ever touching their woman, and also that they can see the red flags.
And they can see the difference from their partner: there are women of integrity and can interact with the other sex properly, without seeking sexual validation from a random guy.
My wife noticed it too, and this time she was not feeling validated from other girl's jealousy like in the past. No she was scared, looks like she is now feeling what I felt before.
That might be a sign of she is beginning to change, this is how I interpret it at least.
And she know there is no leash, other than my self restraint and my standards.
You know the kind of woman I'd really like to meet? The one I need?
The kind of woman that stood there, found me pleasant to the eye and interaction, but held her boundary perfectly up standing with her man, secure, proud of him, not ignoring or faking, but as a real couple, making their partner feel safe. They can give you polite flattery, they may even have felt attraction if they were single, but they would never even think of letting anyone touching the bond they have with their partners.
That is admirable, that is glorious.
These women exist.
I would like to feel that lucky once in my life.
By the way, understand it how it is, it is a praise of women who are complete, there were men at this party doing the exact same shit hitting on other wives / girlfriends as soon as they had the chance (husband/ boyfriend looking the other way), which is disgusting to see.
Those couples did not.
I did not.
My wife did not.
And for once she wasn't even upset that those shitty men who try to hit on any breathing female did not even try with her (she loved that kind of validation before) but they focused on me to even talk to her (and they tried hitting on her in the past whenever she was alone). On the contrary she was proud.
I am still not having trust so I take this sing like it is, an observation. I am not sure she can change, I can see something changed, (she keeps begging for a last chance to R, I am not closed to it), time will tell.
I think all of you who have now a partner who is like that, whether a new partner or a reformed Wayward, are extremely lucky, that is something I see and feel is worth more than status, money, it's a special kind of wealth that you build in two.
For the first time since I can remember, I believe it is possible.
And that realization alone makes even the pain I went through worth it.
[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 7:37 AM, Friday, January 23rd]
