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Do you think that you are hesitant to set boundaries around the blame shifting and the equalizing and deflecting because you are worried she will leave the marriage if you do?

ETA: What is the worst outcome that could happen if you simply refused to be dragged into arguments and insisted on real, mutual recovery from the infidelity before working on the other marital issues?

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 9:34 AM, Thursday, June 4th]

Oldwounds

In your counseling session, you mentioned things that your wife can check off a list — that’s not how safe works.

Yes I understand this. It's why I've been so hesitant to create a list for her. If I do that, and she "checks" items off the list, it will just be performative, and I'm sure I won't feel like she is changing her core.

She is right, she doesn’t have to own anything, but if there is no empathy for the pain she caused you, again, I can see that turning into resentment from you at some point.

I would not describe it as no empathy. I think it's more accurate to say that she is heavily damaged by her own choices, which causes her to super defend herself, and I'm hearing from everyone here that I'm partially enabling that behavior by not having firmer boundaries.

GotTheMorbs

Do you think that you are hesitant to set boundaries around the blame shifting and the equalizing and deflecting because you are worried she will leave the marriage if you do?

I guess it depends on what you mean by boundary. I have made it very clear that I will not accept blame shifting and that I view her continuing to bring her resentments from the past as blame shifting. This often the point of contention for us. She once again brings it up, and I once again push back. She keeps framing it in a "we are working on our relationship, and you have to put in effort as well" way. She doesn't see it as something she has to work on. She sees it as something I'm being stubborn about. And to be fair, after 2 years of this I have grown pretty stubborn about it. The first 6 months I was much more patient with it than I am now. Which I think caused her to feel like it was something she could continue bringing up, and that eventually I would relent. I feel like I shot myself in the foot there.

ETA: What is the worst outcome that could happen if you simply refused to be dragged into arguments and insisted on real, mutual recovery from the infidelity before working on the other marital issues?

If I insist on real mutual recovery she will come back with "then I need these issues addressed!", and "I need to feel that we are on equal ground in our relationship!". It basically walks right into her blaming me some more and me getting defensive for being blamed. Who could argue with "we need to be on equal ground in our relationship"?

I could work on pausing the conversation when she gets like this, but in the past when I do this, she gets very angry, accuses me of not listening to her, and implies our relationship is not equal again. Though to be fair I wasn't very good at this the last time I tried it, so I probably triggered her by doing it. Maybe I just need to level up my skills in this area.

At this moment in time, your answer seems to be that she is not willing or able to do what you asking of her.

Theevent, I encourage every BS hopeful for R to get as comfortable as possible with D. Reconciliation is never a foregone conclusion. It can fail. Until you're emotionally, mentally, spiritually and everythingelsely prepared to end your marriage, trying to reconcile alonr stops being a prison of your own creation and becomes an option... Let go of the outcome.

I think your smartest course of action is to get yourself to a place where separation looks good to you.

My vote would be detachment

I'm writing to say that you need to consider that you may be co-dependent, that your desire for R is unhealthy... The 180 may be just what you need.

I think you’re on the edge of understanding that your future will be full of resentment if you don’t see some changes that make you feel safe.

I agree MC is a waste of money right now.

I hear you all. I'm going to spend some time thinking about it. Considering my options, even if it's only changing my perspective to let go of the outcome.

hikingout

Her resentments are her responsibility.

Until she can take accountability for her creation of these resentments, and stop lobbing them at you, the vulnerability she needs to have in order to build that connection bridge is not there. And in the case of infidelity it has to be her to do it and you to decide whether you will meet her on.it.

...she needs to find her way in that fight that is productive and moving in the direction towards you rather than against you.

A lot of wisdom here, and I appreciate the perspective you bring to the table.

I had an exit affair, it wasn’t like at the time that’s what I would have called it.

I suspect it was the same for her. She says she never wanted to leave, or to destroy our relationship, but it's so hard to know what the real truth is in these situations. It's possible that when the reality of the situation dawned on her, that she was not willing to pull the trigger. I just don't know. It eats at me.

A gratitude practice was very key for me here. Instead of her looking at all the bad, she needs to focus on what she appreciates about you and your union and why she wants to fight for it. She doesn’t need to be reinforcing why she lost sight of the fight.

I think she is actually doing this. When we are not fighting, she has made it a point to recognize my efforts and thank me for them frequently. Thats a good sign. When we fight it's like a whole different person comes out. Crazy.

I don’t mean it as a punishment nor do I think you are looking to dole one out.

I appreciate you acknowledging this. I really don't want to punish her. Only to feel safe again.

I meqn it in the way of by detaching and focusing on yourself and your boundaries, you will feel like you are reinventing your self respect and protecting your energy a bit better.

I will try to wrap my mind around this. Do you have any examples you could use to illustrate how this plays out in the real world?

Theevent —

I would not describe it as no empathy. I think it's more accurate to say that she is heavily damaged by her own choices, which causes her to super defend herself, and I'm hearing from everyone here that I'm partially enabling that behavior by not having firmer boundaries.

She is choosing her comfort over yours — she could definitely use MORE empathy than she has shown.

As for boundaries, at this point, I think you need to share what you have to have to move forward.

You can even start the conversation with, "We’re both still here, it seems we want to be around each other — what would it take for her to let down those walls?"

In any M, people have to look out for the other, what will she do to SHOW she is looking out for you, other than promising not to do it again (a promise that failed before)?

I think you mentioned an MC asked if she wanted the M or to be married. Did she answer that?

I do think my own R improved when I knew I would be fine with or without my M (the letting the outcome go).

Clearly, you want the M. But not as lopsided as it is now.

That day you know you’ll be good solo or M, you will be able to outline your boundaries/needs much better.

How does letting go of the outcome play out in the real world?

Let's be quite clear and honest about a simple truth: not all BSs are saints. I could have been a much better spouse. I own that shit. I know damned well my exww was a better spouse than I was until she wasn't. Within a few weeks of d-day, I made that admission to her. I owned my part in our marital disharmony. I was willing to address the issues my behavior and tendencies caused in our pre-A marriage.

However!!! Before that ever happened. I had to believe, to know, to trust the she could own and fix her shit as well. Because infidelity is a fucking deal-breaker. Marital issues were of no concern to me. Her infidelity is all that mattered. There was no balance anymore in our relationship because she unbalanced the holy crap out of it.

Affair repair was going to happen before I ever considered repairing a fractured marriage that she annihilated.

In the meantime, I was going to try and live my best life, with or without her. Reconciliation would be great and that was my hope. But I had to get comfortable with the very real possibility that R would fail. That meant that I had to get comfortable with the very real possibility that divorce might be the way forward for me (six years later it was).

Letting go of the outcome allowed me to focus on me and my healing. It allowed me to address my own issues. Detaching allowed me to stop tying my own happiness and well-being to the possibility that reconciliation might be successful. It allowed me to know that I could feel my own safety.

It's not punishment. It's not revenge. It's you being OK on your own.

You don't have to give up on R. You simply need to accept that at some point you can walk away and be OK with it.

How your wife reacts is entirely up to her. She can get all butthurt and cry about how unfair it is to know you're good with either R or D - or, she can do her best to keep up with you, focus on herself, own and fix her shit, and live her best life as well.

It sets you free, brother.

Oldwounds

In any M, people have to look out for the other, what will she do to SHOW she is looking out for you, other than promising not to do it again (a promise that failed before)?

She has said that she:
- Distances herself from anyone she feels a connection with
- She has been honest and transparent
- She is going to individual therapy
- She is attending church on a regular basis and studying the bible.
- She goes out of her way to notice and thank me for doing things
- She does the little things to help me feel loved.
- If it's clear I'm having a hard time with a show we are watching because it has infidelity in it, she tries to comfort me, and apologizes.
- She has deliberately made time to spend time with me, and continues reaching out and keeping that attachment alive.
- She is fun to be around.
- Says she loves me often.
- Brags about me to others she works with.
- Writes me cute little notes.
etc.

Like I said it's such an odd place to be. She really is doing a lot, and also when she gets triggered she morphs into someone who defends herself by lashing out with blame and criticism. She does mental jujitsu to counter any argument I have or switch the topic to one she thinks will be more effective, and she stubbornly holds to all the ideas I have outlines in this thread. In the end it's always me who did something wrong. It's like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Extremely confusing.

I think you mentioned an MC asked if she wanted the M or to be married. Did she answer that?

Yes. This was in a session only like 6-8 weeks after D-day. She took a minute to think about it and grudgingly said yes. Attitudes like these early on are one of the reasons I suspect her affair was actually an exit affair and she was deciding if she wanted to just bail, or try to reconcile. Bailing meant we would get divorced because of her cheating, which everyone would have known about. So even though I think she does love me and wants to reconcile, the large amount of resistance she has shown, and logic like this really eat away at me.

Unhinged
I'm curious how these 6 years wen't for you. Can you give me a brief year by year breakdown, and at what point, and why, you eventually decided you were done?

I suspect it was the same for her. She says she never wanted to leave, or to destroy our relationship, but it's so hard to know what the real truth is in these situations. It's possible that when the reality of the situation dawned on her, that she was not willing to pull the trigger. I just don't know. It eats at me.

So I don’t feel I intentionally set out to do that, nor had I made up my mind to leave.

In my case, I didn’t want to leave for the AP. My fantasy was to live alone. I think I was more using the AP as escapism, and also to make myself feel like I still had it.

So, I do believe she may not of had a plan past the nose on her face at any given minute. I don’t think we choose their ap or their spouse, they choose themselves. Affairs are most often acts of self-adulation. It’s easy to make yourself feel how you want to with someone you don’t share real responsibilities with, and also they are usually transactional in nature which means it’s easy to get what you want when you are doing a much more simplistic version of trading that can’t exist within a real long term relationship.

It sounds like she does blame you for her seeking someone else emotionally. But that’s just surface digging. Did she actually state her unhappiness? Ask you to change? Even if she did there were other solutions other than to cheat.

I also understand she thinks your unhappiness with each other is equal. It’s not though. An affair is a trauma that wrecks the foundation of a relationship- respect, trust, loyalty, and fidelity.

I get that sometimes the ws may think "I didn’t feel respected" that’s different than knocking down all the major pillars of the relationship.

I also think everyone has times of feeling lonely in a relationship or that their expectations are not being met. That can affect connection, but generally on those cases connection can be restored. In our marriage I definitely felt lonely, I felt like the domestic duty engineer, I felt like I was needed, not desired or loved.

But an affair create an indescribable paradigm in which simple restoration of connection can not occur. It’s like if there had no affair you could build from the ground up. The affair causes like this massive hole that has to be fixed before you can go ground up.

It took some time to realize that I never made him aware of this crisis I was in. If we’d both had awareness we would have worked through it. I subscribed to the "if he wanted to he would" -And that’s such a fallacy—-it speaks to believing your husband can read your mind. I stopped sharing my internal world because I felt like the times I tried I would get defensive answers. But when I started to take accountability I realized that my communication style was antagonistic rather than asking for things.

I would say stuff like "You aren’t romantic enough" (that’s a generic example but basically every reiteration I can think of amounts to that) or starting things with "you never…"

Now I say specific things like "I would like it if you rubbed my back tonight." Or "I feel so loved that you thought to…" Every day I find things to thank him for or appreciate. "You work so hard out in the heat for us" "thanks for grabbing those dishes it made my evening easier" whatever.

Long winded way of saying I had to learn to ask for what I want and use positive reinforcement. Thank you goes such a long way. And I could have had everything I wanted within reason had I done that instead of disregarding him for someone else.

And my point in that is…we were both responsible for the state of our marriage. And I realized that all those grievances just added up because I let them. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t know what I wanted. When I was able to see that, and let it go I realized the past didn’t matter as much as the present and future. But for that to happen I first needed to address the giant gaping hole I put in the foundation of our marriage. I abandoned and disregarded him so badly that I needed to see the work might not be equal for some time to come. Equality in a relationship means shared resources, it doesn’t speak to emotional damage. And in the end it should not be a tit for tat anyway.

Detachment just means that you conduct yourself in a way that you realize you can only control your side of the fence. Marital counseling is not usually a good thing to be doing while detaching. It’s a fix ourselves and then fix the relationship. It’s not her telling you what to fix or you telling her.

You can have boundaries and state them, but you need to be prepared to also enforce them.

It’s two people who I individually know they need to heal and work on themselves and not to save the relationship.

I didn’t work so hard on myself just to stay in the marriage. The marriage was a wreck from both our perspectives, people don’t tend to work for something that has already been decimated.

I worked on myself because this is not who I wanted to be. And I needed to learn to be responsible for my own happiness and well being regardless of what happened with the marriage.

For us we did that, and still managed to take trips together, have date nights. We had sex, we did all the things. We just let the relationship idle for a while. I don’t think that works for everyone but like you describe we still got along despite all the darkness beneath.

It took the pressure cooker off both of us. We set a time limit for when we would reevaluate. But I didn’t go in checking boxes to get an A. I started to unearth a lot of shit and as I did I began to share it.

I think your wife right now is in a position that "I will change if you will". That’s not going to work post infidelity. I think she is pointing at you because she is afraid you all will go back to the marriage she was unhappy in. And you of course do not feel safe in investing because she did all these horrific things behind your back. It’s a delicate balance to manage the space but you both need it.

She needs to reevaluate everything without trying it back to what you need to be doing. And You should lean into your hobbies, and doing the things that make you happy. Work on your relationship with yourself.

It’s so much easier to repair a marriage when you stop trying to do it in the confines of being two parts of a whole instead of working to be two whole people who then can look at each other and both say "I think I am ready to try and move forward into our present and future together as work to build something we really both happy in" it’s unrealistic to be working on something you can both be happy in when there is so much individual damage that needs worked on.

This does not excuse her from needing to rebuild trust through transparency and in showing you she does want this relationship even though she appears to have thrown it away. And I know you will treat her with respect and dignity as well. You might have not been the husband she wanted all the time but and whether those expectations were even realistic remains to be seen.

However, you didn’t throw in the towel and start seeing other people without telling her, for her to think that you are on even ground means she does bother understand how that was worse than whatever her complaints were.

[This message edited by hikingout at 6:33 PM, Friday, June 5th]

You’ve mentioned this a couple times now, and it just didn’t click in my head.

"Distances herself from anyone she feels a connection with"

For me, that would be the biggest red flag. Especially with where the two of you are, post infidelity.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but that shouldn’t even be a statement or thought! I don’t ever feel a connection with someone of the opposite sex, I’m married, there just isn’t any….. room? For a thought like that to form in my mind.

I'm curious how these 6 years wen't for you. Can you give me a brief year by year breakdown, and at what point, and why, you eventually decided you were done?

I was done the moment I read the text messages between my ex-wife and the OM. Infidelity is a deal-breaker, pure and simple. I can clearly remember shaking my head during the conversations we had in the first few months after d-day because I knew - deep down inside - that I would never forget, never forgive, never accept, nor ever love her enough to stay married.

There was just one "problem." Our son was barely 4yo at the time. I couldn't blow up his world. I decided to "take the hit" for his sake. So, I came here, to SI, to find out if reconciliation was really possible and, if so, how to go about it.

At 20 months out from d-day, I truly felt, believed and thought we'd reconciled. I even added a couple of posts in the PRS thread.

That first year was about my recovery. Second year was about redefining our relationship. The next four years was about me trying to convince myself that infidelity was not necessarily the deal-breaker I knew it to be.

We had some good times during those last few years. I don't regret the effort. Not even a little. For the most part, she was a model formerly wayward spouse. She checked off all of the boxes.

She really is doing a lot, and also when she gets triggered she morphs into someone who defends herself by lashing out with blame and criticism.

After six years of similar behavior, my give-a-shit-meter was once again pegged. I was done. I was tired of fighting, tired of her bullshit, tired of pretending.

We've been divorced for over four years now (separated five years). Looking back, I think we were simply incompatible. We're very different people with very different values and desires and perspectives.

This is why detaching becomes so critically important. Had I not detached her issues from mine, I don't think I could have divorced. For those last few years I knew I'd be OK with officially ending our marriage (because in truth, our marriage ended the moment she decided to cheat).

Brother, from what you've written, it's rather obvious to me that you're unwilling to accept that divorce is a viable option. It's painful and it sucks. But! Until you're ready to walk away, you surrender your own agency.

ETA: reconciliation might be possible for you two. I'm not saying it isn't.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:49 AM, Saturday, June 6th]

Theevent,

It's why I've been so hesitant to create a list for her. If I do that, and she "checks" items off the list, it will just be performative, and I'm sure I won't feel like she is changing her core

What if you put, essentially, "change at your core" on her list? Like "Do IC/betrayal trauma speciality MC, read these books, journal, find your deep 'whys,' talk with me about your progress...? " things of that nature. If you think she is doing "a lot," already, then it may be helpful to acknowledge that in addition to talking about what else needs to be done. Praise can be a good lubrication for constructive criticism. Spoonful of sugar with the medicine, if you will.

She once again brings it up, and I once again push back.

That's when you shut down the conversation. You tell her once daily MAX that when the blame shifting starts, then the conversation ends. Something as simple as "We talked about not shifting blame," and then if it persists, a very flat "No, I'm not doing this." Stop talking, walk out of the room if you have to, tell her you guys can try again later. There should be no "contention." If you've told her what you need is to recover from infidelity properly first, and afterwards the marital issues can be addressed, then she's either willing to do the work in that order or not. Take it or leave it; don't argue with her about it. Let her see what "stubborn" looks like.

I could work on pausing the conversation when she gets like this, but in the past when I do this, she gets very angry, accuses me of not listening to her, and implies our relationship is not equal again.

Right, because it's not lol. Let her rage, and don't react. You can restart the conversation after she's calmed down. She will figure it out eventually.

Though to be fair I wasn't very good at this the last time I tried it, so I probably triggered her by doing it. Maybe I just need to level up my skills in this area.

Her anger is because she wants to keep arguing so she doesn't have to focus on fixing herself; it's no fault of yours... But it does get easier with practice. Most women respect and like men more when those men respect themselves. Standing firm on what you will and won't tolerate is a demonstration of that self-respect, which we know you do, in fact, have. Hopefully showing your wife that will rectify the unsat behaviors.

----------

OhItsYou,

"Distances herself from anyone she feels a connection with"

For me, that would be the biggest red flag. Especially with where the two of you are, post infidelity.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me, but that shouldn’t even be a statement or thought! I don’t ever feel a connection with someone of the opposite sex, I’m married, there just isn’t any….. room? For a thought like that to form in my mind.

Right? That's what I'm sayin'. After my A, I set the same "safe for now" boundary for myself, but I had to assess why I was forming romantic connections with other people instead of just platonic friendships. It has to do with my self esteem issues and wanting to feel likeable/desireable/powerful-and-able-to-seduce-anyone-I-want, in addition to some abandonment issues in a round about way. But once I figured that out, then I could move from being mindful of my actions and current situation to fixing the root causes and eliminating those errant connections in the first place... That's The Work. And I hope Theevent's WW can do the same thing for both of their sakes.

Theevent

I keep pushing to feel safe, and she keeps pushing back, and complaining that I can never be satisfied.

Now this is the hard part because safety after betrayal is not a checklist and not just doing the visible things and then expecting the betrayed person to feel better- it is whether the person who caused the harm can really sit with the damage without defending equalising or making their discomfort the main issue.

She keeps framing it in a "we are working on our relationship, and you have to put in effort as well" way.

Marriages can have issues but once infidelity happens the whole landscape changes as the affair injury has to be stabilised first otherwise every conversation risks becoming "you hurt me too" and that can feel like blame being shifted back onto the betrayed person. From my own experience later truths changed the meaning of earlier memories and decisions-so safety now means more than words or practical actions as it means accountability/empathy humility and consistency over time and your need for safety is not punishment as it is the foundation for any real reconciliation.

She feels that the book paints the wayward partner in more of a bad light than they should be, and doesn't take their side into account at all, or take a compassionate view

Your wife DOES NOT get it based on the above. She had a year long affair and has the opinion she had a damn good reason to do so.

From your very first post it is clear you are trying very hard to get to a better place regarding communication and other issues. It seems anything you want or need to move forward, she is resistant. The reasons she is resistant don’t matter at this point. She is just not on board with communicating about finances (as an example) which has nothing to do with the affair.

Your suggestions about a different therapist or other things IMO are a waste of time. She’s not on board. She’s RESISTING your ideas, suggestions and efforts.

I suggest you take a very different approach. You start to figure out what you need and want from this marriage. Not focused on HER, because let’s pretend that she’s an immovable object.

But how do you get what you want out of life? Where do YOU go from here after accepting your wife exactly where she is right now.

Is this the marriage you want? Is she the person you want to spend the rest of your life with given where things are now?

My idea of happiness is NOT spending $ and time fighting with someone every week over issues. But that’s just me. But since you write how much it affects you, you may want to consider a different path.

Choice A: accept her for all she is right now. Stop trying to effect change.

Choice B: stay married but detach yourself and live the life you choose. Sometimes with her but sometimes separately doing your own thing (sports, hobbies and your own friends)

Choice C: divorce and find a relationship that better fits with your ideals.

Get off the hamster wheel that clearly is not working for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:10 PM, Saturday, June 6th]

hikingout

It sounds like she does blame you for her seeking someone else emotionally. But that’s just surface digging. Did she actually state her unhappiness? Ask you to change? Even if she did there were other solutions other than to cheat.

Yes she complained about situations with my family, and she complained that I don't date her enough. I disagree with her interpretation of events with my family, and I freely admitted to not being very good at dating her. There were other reasons I was not good at the dating part, but in the two years since I have stepped up a lot in that area. Feels a little pick me dance-ish but my therapist advised that I do that to resolve a real issue she complains about and to include positivity into our relationship. Which it has done.

I get that sometimes the ws may think "I didn’t feel respected" that’s different than knocking down all the major pillars of the relationship.

This is part of why it's so frustrating when she continues to bring these things from the past up. Even if I admitted 100% to fault, the things I'm "guilty" of are tiny drops in the bucket compared to spending a year having an affair. They don't even compare. It's like the pot calling the tea cup black because there is some writing on the side.

It feels insulting for her to accept my grace in extending a second chance after such a major betrayal, and then turn around and start accusing me of all these things. It just doesn't make sense. The only way I can make it make sense in my head is if her trauma is taking over and defending herself and the rational part of her brain is taking a back seat.

It took some time to realize that I never made him aware of this crisis I was in. If we’d both had awareness we would have worked through it. I subscribed to the "if he wanted to he would" -And that’s such a fallacy—-it speaks to believing your husband can read your mind. I stopped sharing my internal world because I felt like the times I tried I would get defensive answers. But when I started to take accountability I realized that my communication style was antagonistic rather than asking for things.
I would say stuff like "You aren’t romantic enough" (that’s a generic example but basically every reiteration I can think of amounts to that) or starting things with "you never…"

Our situation was very similar. She kept the vast majority of her issues to herself. It was a huge shock to have her admit her infidelity, then all the sudden the fire hose of complaints and resentments opens up. She also subscribed to the "if he wanted to he would" logic. Early on she would throw that in my face in her complaints saying things like "if you wanted to date me you would!", and things like that. She had a very similar form of communication. It was something like: nothing, nothing, (look on face), nothing, (years in between) nothing, strong anger telling me what she wanted, nothing, nothing etc...

You can have boundaries and state them, but you need to be prepared to also enforce them.

Yeah this is the difficult part for me.

We just let the relationship idle for a while.

I'm considering this idea, and I'm afraid I'm going to get comfortable and all these issues are still going to be under the surface ready to pop out and hurt me again. I'm afraid of rugsweeping since we are both so good at it. Still this is a serious possibility. It might be good to let both of use calm down for a bit.

OhItsYou

For me, that would be the biggest red flag. Especially with where the two of you are, post infidelity.

Yes and I'm still concerned about this attitude some times. I am the way you are. I just can't make it work in my head to start to get too close to someone else while I'm still married.

I'm considering this idea, and I'm afraid I'm going to get comfortable and all these issues are still going to be under the surface ready to pop out and hurt me again. I'm afraid of rugsweeping since we are both so good at it. Still this is a serious possibility. It might be good to let both of use calm down for a bit.

Do it in the way it takes some pressure off you, not really her.

"Right now you are not where I would want you to be in order for me to consider you a fully safe partner. There are things I think you need to look more deeply at and work on. But I recognize that you need to lead that effort, and decide who it is you want to be. So for now we are going to let our relationship tread water for the next x months, so you can have the space you need to heal and grow from these choices you have made. I am going to be doing my own self evaluations and work on my healing. At the end of this period I am hopeful we will be able to begin working on our relationship again so we can build something we are both happy in. In the meantime, I think we should still share when we have epiphanies through this journey but our focus needs to be more on our individual healing during this time. We will talk again about the direction of our marriage at the conclusion of this time period and figure out if we are ready to begin marriage counseling again."

Then enforce the time boundary , and she is to continue IC during that time and start driving her own healing/change.

hikingout
Thank you for the example script. It helps me integrate how these ideas would look in real life.

Everyone
I have a lot to think about and integrate. Thank you all for responding.

Good luck, Theevent! Stay strong. We believe in you!