SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry, Horaliar. It must be terribly hard, first to have an OC in your life, then to bond with the OC, then to lose the OC.

I wish there was something helpful that I

could say. Just know I am sending you hugs.

Good thought Want2Help and *hugs* horaliar.

Still waiting to hear back about the harassment charges...finally got an appeal hearing date~ the end of July It burns my toast that when she filed she got a hearing date within a month. I've been researching and asking around....someone please remind me to slap myself before I consider posting on any more legal forums. I had a bad experience years ago and chalked it up to that site. Now I posted on a different site and it's quickly heading in the same direction....I got told that I want to "commit fraud" if I legally separate from H and that my income is "not relevant" and "NOT" being counted. Oh yeah, and that he MUST figure out how to afford an attorney...that's our only hope. Lotta help there

The closer we get to the OC's due date the more I seem to sink down into the black hole that I woke up and found myself in. Does it ever get better? Can any of you honestly look at the child (those that have contact with child) and NOT be reminded constantly of everything that has happened? (I'm not faulting the child or anything, he didn't ask to be born, but still. I hope I don't sink so low as to come to hate a child. I would hate myself.)

[This message edited by Tired05 at 7:33 PM, June 19th (Wednesday)]

Tired05, I know exactly how you feel. I felt so sad because I really wanted for my daughter to have another sibling. Guess you really have to be careful what you wish for.

OC entered our lives when he was 3 months old, WH asked if OC could visit us and I agreed. OC ended up staying with us for 3 months, then another 4 months when he was 7 months. He is the sweetest boy and it was a joy looking over him. He reminded so much of my little one when she was a baby, that looking at him did not cause me the least bit of animosity. Nothing. Unfortunately, this didn't improve my relationship with WH. I go thru a lot of ups and downs, I haven't been able to forgive him yet. Don't know if I will be able to.

In the end, regardless if we end up staying together or not, I will always remember those 7 months with nothing but joy. I see all the videos that I took of him, and remember the happiness that I felt having him with us, how my little one played with him, and how happy she was.

So Tired05, this was my situation. You might feel different, your background my be different as well. Follow your heart, you can't be forced to do something that you don't want to do.

(((Tired05)))

Tired: Speaking for myself, I knew I didn't and would never hate OC. I watched him be born (that was before D-Day). Even after I knew his paternity, I realized that he didn't ask for or choose any of this. Do I love him like I love our children? Personally, no. I care about him though. I don't like the thought of him being hurt any more than I would want to see any kid or animal being hurt.

I will admit I am reminded often of what's happened though, especially during rougher times (like this). It is so hard, but the passage of time does ease things. *hugs*

@ LiedtoLucy... I agree with what Wanted2Help says. NC means NC... NOTHING. no ultra sounds, no status updates... NOTHING until that child is here and then nothing else until after a paternity test is done. I did not handle my situation that way, instead I was the point of contact until after the paternity test was done... which might as well be NC because she didn't really bother me as much as she would have bothered him (and this is still true to this day). I also think you should not rush to any conclusion regarding your decision on how to proceed with your marriage. Allow yourself time to really come to terms with this situation before deciding... if you need to separate then do that, but don't rush yourself. You can also message me if you would like for advice, or just to vent.

@ horaliar... I think I know how you feel. The OC in my situation is 3 1/2 and she spends alot of time with us (never as long as you though) and for a while there I truly did not allow myself to admit that I loved this child. I felt like admitting it would make me more vunerable. But when I did allow myself to admit it to myself (and others) it did make me more vulnerable. I had to tell myself that at the end of the day if I feel like something isn't good for her, or whatever... I don't have any say so. I had to really get it all straightened out in my heart so that I could accept that I only have as much pull as my WS is willing to deal with(because any say so I have is really through him, so if he thinks what I want/think is going to create conflict and he doesn't want to deal with that conflict, even if he agrees with me, nothing happens) BUT I can still love this child fully and I can still be concerned about her well-being... but, sadly, not to the extent that I usually do with children that I do have a real say so regarding (like my little brother)or that I will have for my future children. I have to think this way to keep my sanity and peace of mind.

@Tired05, Yes it CAN get better... there is no guarantee that it will, and in order for it to get better both individuals must be all in and willing to deal with all the stuff (heart feelings, horrible thoughts, cruel words, hard truths etc) that a situation like this brings. For me my trigger was seeing my WS interact with the child... I could not see that without thinking about everything that happened. But seeing the child herself was never a problem (at least not that I can remember). However sometimes just seeing this beautiful, smart, well behaved little child makes me really sad that I had nothing to do with bringing her into the world (I know it sounds crazy).... and because of that I tend to put forth alot of effort into the things like teaching her (i.e her letters, colors, shapes, manners, etc), being a good role model so that I can having something that I helped create about her... probably makes no sense, but this is how my mind operates... lol.

@Sparkle76... Maybe the person who responded to your post on the legal site was not from your state... here in my state what you were told (that your income was not counted) would be true.

*hugs* to everyone!

[This message edited by Masks at 2:30 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]

@Tired05 - it all sucks. I won't lie. It's up to you to not let it make you a VICTIM.

Own this life for yourself.

As for me and my family, OC is part of our life. NC is just not an option for us because of it, and we are OK.

Will that change? Maybe - anything can happen. Will I waste my time worrying about what _might_ happen? I don't have time for that.

I love my family. All of these children will be loved and will grow up knowing and loving all of their siblings.

[This message edited by forgivenesswins at 3:48 PM, June 21st (Friday)]

Well, I am glad to say that after many days of having to correspond with OW and "play nice" (some butt kissing going on there, I told her we'd b out of town and unavailable, and she told me to "have a safe trip!"... I wanted to tell her "Die in a fire!", but I digress) we have decided to hire an attorney to handle all of this mess.

It will stretch our budget, but she is willing to be paid in installments, and this way no one will need to appear in court (good, because I don't want to see OW, bad, because I'd like her to SEE ME, haha).

OW seems pretty desperate to get OC's name changed BEFORE OC begins school. OW very much wants OC to go to school with OW's new H's last name. Well, guess what, bitch?! No one wanted you to give OC FWH's last name anyway! But you were SO PROUD to have that last name (famous name in Hollywood, but my FIL is adopted, so no blood relation!). When OC was born, she called her "_(FWH & Mine last name)_ Baby". Even made a myspace profile called "_(FWH & Mine last name)_ Baby", with pics of FWH that said "My Sperm Doner" (yes, she can't even spell "donor") and pictures of me that said "The Controller", and sent it to all of my friends, family, and co-workers.

I guess she's not so proud of FWH's last name now.

I was beginning to feel some forgiveness towards OW, and think "Well, the affair was 6 years ago. She was 20. Maybe she's a changed woman who doesn't want to cause anymore hurt..." But since I have been having to correspond with her via Facebook IM, she put up an old picture of her and my stepdaughter taken during the affair. Yep, I was wrong, she's still a total bitch. (She has always used my stepd's against me, to the point that they are no longer in our lives now that they are adults).

Anyway, the attorney has now been doing all of the correspondence with OW. FWH doesn't want to deal with OW, nor do I want him to, considering that I am having to be civil to her to get this going. I wouldn't even want FWH to be that civil with her, considering the hell she has put our family through. I am approaching it from a "We're both moms/wives who just want the best for our families" perspective...

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well.

Here is my story, husband got letter from attorney general office regarding child support for a child whose mother used to be my best friend (since we were 5). Go throughout the procedures get a DNA test, child is his. The child is about to be 15, he & my husband have never met. The time that the child would have been conceived around oct 97, my husband & I were 10 months into our relationship. In march of 98 I became pregnant with our first child & we married in Sept. 98. The child was born in July 98, at the time I was still friends with this person, even witnessing the child's birth, not once did she tell me this could be my boyfriend's baby. Through out the years my friend became distant until all of a sudden we were no longer talking. I then started to here rumors that this was my husband's baby, I confronted him, first he denied having sex with her, then he admitted it, but he claim to not know anything about the baby being his because she had said close to 5 other people were the father. I confronted her, she denied him being the father, I left it at that. Fast forward to this week when we get the petition from child support court along with the DNA test results. I feel so betrayed, I just wish they would have been honest with me back in 97, if I would have known he slept with her, especially after to finding out she was pregnant, I would have left him alone. I feel that they took parts of my life out of my hands by keeping that away from me. I really resent her for waiting all this time, I mean almost 15 years. My husband & I have 2 kids 14 & 11, I don't even know how to explain this to them. To be honest I don't even want this child in their lives, I don't know him. I'm not even sure I still want to be in the marriage, we were already having problems & now this.

*hugs* Goodgrl....I am also in an OC situation that was a Double Betrayal (the OW was considered one of my best friends). Welcome to the site, I hope that it helps you immensely.

This has been a rough weekend and week for me. Today is our wedding anniversary and we're not doing anything. The pay was just enough to cover the basic rent and the car payment and put a little gas in.....that's it. I hate living like this, waiting for the appeal hearing. I basically got lynched mobbed on the legal site, and it seems as though OW is an angel of a mother in their opinion. June 22nd to the 24th were hard trigger days, what I refer to as "The Hell Weekend" 11 years ago (when he left the kids and I for two days to spend time with her). I hope by next year that I will be able to go through these dates and celebrate our anniversary without shedding tears.

At least the harassment charges were approved. I was told that now it's a matter of waiting to see if she pleads guilty or not guilty.

*hugs* Sparkle

For what it's worth Happy Anniversary

I think the double betrayal is what makes it so hard, being hurt by 2 people you loved at the same time is past hearbreaking, no words can describe it. Then to have the child as a constant reminder. I've read previous posts and I'm so sorry to hear about your financial & legal problems. I fear we are just beginning something that isnt going to be pretty at all legally and financially.

I am the only one working right now. One of my main concerns is back child support, 15 years. Although I wont be responsible, that is still my husband and my household is what will ultimately pay the price.

My post is from things that happened last week, I posted on another board, but no one really had a thread for having to deal with OC. Here is the rest

Since receiving the court summons, my husband has been wondering about this child. The mother has yet to reach out to us, so I suggested he go meet him himself. Being that I used to be friends with the mother, I suggested we go to her grandmother's house. Guess who lives with his great-grandmother, the child. Come to find out, the mother doesn't even have a relationship with her son. Even when she moved to another city,she had left him here. After introducing ourselves (of course her grandmother already knew me because she practically helped raise me), the son was really open with us. My husband explained to him the situation from his side. After talking with him, we find out he had been told my husband was his father when he was around 11 or 12 & was told my husband didn't want to have anything to do with him. He was told he has a wife & kids & they we wanted nothing to do with him. We explained that wasn't the truth. To make a long story short we ended up telling our kids today also. They wanted to meet him. We let the kids meet. My son was excited, my daughter on the other hand, not so happy about this whole situation. I think this was all too much for her. I'm still not sure how I feel. But I know my husband & my son were happy, I also think my husband's son was too. It's just us girls feeling some kind of way

Goodgrl, it is very kind of you to be willing to stay in your M and meet this child, but please be careful. You never know what kind of life this child has had (it sounds like his mother has already abused him emotionally) and I would be very careful before having him around your children (for overnights or without supervision), when he could harbor resentment towards them after what his mother has said.

Sparkle, I am so, so sorry for your situation. I hope the appeal goes through quickly. I am so sick and angry for you.

Want2help, that is a big concern, he is 15 & after hearing of his life & comparing it with that of my kids, I fear he will resent them & even my husband even though it is not our fault. That is why I don't want to move too quickly with this

Goodgrl: I can't say for sure, and I don't know the laws of your state but I would think in your situation that there is a good chance you can argue against back support.....especially if there was an extended period where the child wasn't living with the mother. In our case, the OW did ask for retroactivity to the OC's birthdate, but when my H explained that she chose to pursue another MM as the father and then not pursue support because her 2ndH was going to adopt him, they only granted her retroactivity to the date of her filing (Jan. 2004). Good luck and please keep us posted. Also, you may want to check out the Double Betrayal thread on here.

As for the kids interacting, maybe counseling would help the worries about their emotions.

Can anyone here explain the point of a so-called legal forum that doesn't answer legal questions so much as allow strangers to make assumptions? *smh*

If these folks do have any experience, there might need to be an update made to the OC Guidelines. I don't know if this only applies in my state, but apparently legal separation is not an option or it is considered fraud. I was told my only options are to pay for an attorney or petition the state legislature. I don't see how either of those is going to immediately help the best interests of COM, but what does it matter to anyone else??

I wish I could take a vacation or something. I am so confused.

Can anyone here explain the point of a so-called legal forum that doesn't answer legal questions so much as allow strangers to make assumptions?

Nope. I asked the same question, to multiple legal forums, and got chewed a new one. Basically like you said, like OW was the victim and my H and I were scammers.

Sickening.

I would talk to legal aid, if you can.

I'm a paralegal in Texas, not allowed to give "legal advice" but its a free country and I can say my free opinion to anyone. I'll go read your previous posts and maybe I can tell you what I think

Want2 & Good~ thanks for the tip and input :) *hugs* I guess it is easy for others to make assumptions when they're not the ones going through this stuff.

Here's the latest developments in this saga~

First, fWH gets a notice from the NJ family court saying that registration was filed for an out-of-state custody order. He called to speak to the person listed in the notice.....if they are being honest, this notice isn't cause for worry yet. They said that it means right now the custody is enforceable by both states. So if visitation were to be denied, apparently fWH would have the backing of both jurisdictions instead of just PA. However, now she can take the next step of trying to permanently move the case over to NJ, even though the person H spoke with said that the court is hesitant to do that.

Then fWH got a notice welcoming him to the NJ Child Support system, and inviting him to set up an account on their website. But hold the phone....why would he receive that notice when he hasn't received any notice that support has been or will be moved to NJ? Please tell me it isn't possible for her to just transfer support to another state like that, because what will that mean for the appeal hearing?

I'm hoping anyone here has some insight, because now I can't post to the legal forum I mentioned even if I wanted to....which I now don't. They banned me for life. Why? All because I said that the majority of posters weren't being helpful with all the assumptions they were making about fWH and I. I didn't curse, I didn't blow up on anybody, but apparently saying that a person is mistaken warrants a lifetime ban.

But before I was banned, posters made sure to get their digs in at me (and probably still, now that I can't defend myself), and that's what bothers me. The comment that irks the most was someone saying that the only reason I'm considering separation and divorce is "to better [my] situation".

.....What?!?!?

Sure....because being messed over by two people that I really trusted, my fWH having a kid with her and living hand to mouth now is exactly the life I always wanted as a grown-up! Nevermind the fact that it is OW living with her boyfriend while most likely still legally married to her 2ndH...OW who gets several hundred dollars a month now for OC, while leaving our COM with only a couple hundred each....somehow *I'm* the one who is "wrong" in all of this. Judgmental strangers are one of the last things I need in my life....so Toodle-oo to them.

[This message edited by sparkle76 at 2:51 PM, July 1st (Monday)]

Well, we just got our first packet of papers to fill out before the adoption petition is filed with the courts. OW got hers to, and I asked the attorney to send a SASE with hers, so she doesn't have an excuse to put off returning it.

OW is claiming she is unemployed, and refuses to pay for ANYTHING, so we'll be paying attorney fees, filing fees, even the bitch's CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK (that she "can't" cough up $20 for). I drew the line at us paying a new birth certificate for OW and her H, so she'll have to dig deep to pay that.

No idea how she lost her job, but the attorney says she did. She got a job in the new hospital (small town) paying an outrageous amount of $ for a CNA. A year or so into it she was dropped almost $3 an hour pay, but was still making a lot for a CNA. Now that town is pretty much in economic despair, and she lost her job, and nowhere in that town is paying more than $10.50 an hour for CNAs, even the hospital she worked at.

I'm not shocked, we at one time had a mutual friend (well, she worked with OW), who told me OW does not "work", just kisses bosses asses.

Well, with this new revelation I am so glad this adoption is getting dealt with. My only fear now is them backing out, but with us footing the entire bill, I don't think they will.

Our antiversary was last month. 6 years out, and it does get better.

While corresponding with OW I was almost feeling some sympathy for her, and something that (maybe?) felt like forgiveness... then in the middle of IMing OW changed her picture to one of her and my stepD (now estranged from us, and very close to OW and OC) taken DURING THE AFFAIR. Well, there goes those feeling of forgiveness. OW is still a petty, no good whore. I just pity her now.

I hope this finds everyone well, the board has been dead, so this is my attempt at CPR.