SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SAF,

It's been about five weeks since your wife told you she was pregnant by another man. What has changed - other than you?

You keep mentioning making her choose. Gently, don't you see she's already chosen? She did not choose you. She's choosing to continue as a cheater. She wants to live in your house, have the stability of your job, etc., but she doesn't want YOU. If you said to her. "I will move out but pay for this house and all of the bills and be here to help with the kids as much as you need me" she would take that option in a heartbeat.

I'm in R and can tell you what a remorseful spouse looks like. Your wife is the poster child for an UNremorseful cheater. Your talking is doing nothing. Why don't you do a little test? Do you have a guest room? If so, put all of her stuff in the guest room and tell her she is no longer allowed in your bedroom. Then stop talking to her. Shut her out. Tell her she's made her choice so now you need to move forward. Just try it for 48 hours and see if you see any change. Your children deserve more than this. At this point they are living in a broken home and being taught that marriage is not sacred. That respecting your spouse is not part of marriage. YOU are teaching them this.

SAF,

Are you using DDC or Ravgen for the Paternity Test?

Those are the 2 best ones. Be careful and do your research. This is a very important test for you and your family.

Good Luck.

Bumping--how are you doing SAF?

Cat

Bumping--how are you doing SAF?

Cat

A rough few days. My WW bailed on MC today. She really is swamped with work but also admitted she wasn't in the mood. I went by myself instead. I woke up at about 4:00 this morning and started writing a letter to my family telling them I had just filed for divorce (which I haven't done, by the way). I showed it to a friend of mine who asked me, "Are you sure you weren't writing this to your WW?"

She's right, of course. I brought it to my MC and he said I should rewrite it so it addresses her and then have her read it. Everything might either blow up this weekend or take a step in the right direction. We'll see.

Scared shitless.

Scared shitless.

Yeah, it sucks. But there's life after infidelity. Hang in there.

Why did you write the letter?

Either way, it will (hopefully) blow the lid off the limbo you have been living. While it is scary to step out into the unknown, it is also necessary. Limbo is no place to live, and while the outcome may be painful, it is the first step to healing.

Keep us posted on how things are going.

Cat

Why did you write the letter?

I'm not sure. Catharsis? It says everything I need to say and the MC said I should show it to my WW. She needs to know what's on my mind and how I view this whole situation. It may blow up in my face but I've finally accepted what so many people here have been telling me. If she walks away because of this letter then she was actually already gone. While this limbo is excruciating, I nonetheless find comfort in having some hope, even false hope. After nearly two months, though, the time for false hope has passed.

Either way, it will (hopefully) blow the lid off the limbo you have been living. While it is scary to step out into the unknown, it is also necessary. Limbo is no place to live, and while the outcome may be painful, it is the first step to healing.

The unknown is terrifying. I've found a perverse comfort in the limbo because it allows me some hope. But you're right, Cat - it's no place to live long term.

SAF, I have been following your story and it is sad. I know you want things to work out. But do you think your WW is really going to change and be there for you? Can you honestly say you are ready to raise your WW OC? Spend your time and money on this OC?

I have been talking till I am blue in the face telling my WH what he needs if he wants to stay in this relationship. He will say oh yeah I will do that, but he has no intention of doing the hard work.

Getting to a place so you follow through with your words is the only way she might change. And I know how much it hurts, but she may not want to change.

I have lived with my WH for 30+ years. And we were able to get through his first affair. And had many good years and children after it. But these affairs he has had recently, I don't deserve nor does anyone to be treated as a second or backup plan.

SAF, I've been following your thread. I haven't commented, mostly because you are getting good advice, and also because you were clearly struggling so much. My heart goes out to you. After Dday, I worked so hard to fix my marriage, alone. My WH did just enough to continue stringing me along. He went to MC, but didn't really participate. He told me some of the truth, but not most of it; and continued to make a fool out of me day in and day out. For months. While I haven't been exactly where you are, I have been close enough to know that you've been operating on auto-pilot and out of fear. Taking care of your business, your wife, your children, fearful that if you give her an ultimatum, your whole world will blow up in your face.

For me, I had to find my sense of self worth again. I had to get fed up with his BS, and I had to be ready to divorce him. He actually had to SEE me walk before he shook out of the fog he was so entrenched in.

I see you getting to that point, and it is a GOOD thing. If she walks when you get fed up, then she isn't any kind of wife you want. She just isn't. If she waked up, comes to, and starts to fight for you and your kids, that is a different story. You won't know until you try. Until you do, you are keeping yourself in limbo.

Remember that no matter how hard you try, it is impossible to be present for your children when you are wrapped up in this mess. I found that once I made the decision to stop, I was able to go back to being the mom I wanted to be to them.

My final thought is that you can't R when you are operating out of fear. You have to get past that either way, and let me tell you, removing that vice from around your heart (you know that feeling of anxiety that your heart is being squeezed in your chest), will make you feel years younger and stand a whole lot taller. Good luck strange.

SAF, I have been following your story and it is sad. I know you want things to work out. But do you think your WW is really going to change and be there for you? Can you honestly say you are ready to raise your WW OC? Spend your time and money on this OC?

I know I'm ready to do so. Is she? Very doubtful.

Thanks so much, hopeful. I'm so sorry you went through your own ordeal. All of this is just so hard and painful. I'm getting stronger, though.

In a strange way, her walking away is a gift. Of course, you won't feel like that for a long time, but it truly is.

If she walks away, she was already gone. If she walks away, she is telling you that she is not going to do the hard work of healing. If she doesn't have the stomach to do that, then you really don't have a marriage after all. If you stay together knowing that she doesn't have the commitment, something else will happen, probably another affair, but quite possibly something else.

I have found that unremorseful spouses don't like to deal with the messy emotions their actions have caused in their BSs, primarily because of their own shame and insecurity. They want desperately to believe that their actions were warranted (they aren't) and to see themselves as "good people." Confronting the fallout of their actions show them to be selfish people who had no excuse for their actions. They want to see anything but that.

This is why so many of us are harping on the fact she is showing no remorse. She would be delighted if this whole thing could be rug-swept and there would be no consequences to her choices. But that doesn't heal what is damaged in the marriage at all, and it likely will lead to old marital patterns resurfacing and her self-medicating her dissatisfaction with more unhealthy behaviors, including affairs. Rug sweeping doesn't work. The issues have to be confronted and dealt with, and that's hard and painful work, particularly for the WS.

Good luck--I hope you are taking care of yourself throughout all of this. It really is a sucky ride for the most part.

Cat

SAF,

The one thing I learned through my own situation (including an OC) is you BOTH have to be on board. Like many others here (and you) I tried harder and gave more to my marriage until there was nothing left. You BOTH have to be giving it 150% especially in situations of infidelity. Toss in an OC, and even more! One person simply cannot carry the entire burden.

One of the most frightening and most difficult things I ever did was when I stepped aside in my three-ring-circus of a marriage. In my case I discovered way more lies than I ever thought possible. But I had my answer and was out of my limbo. I moved on and left the drama behind.

In your case, the same may happen to you. Or she will realize she has made a mistake and the two of you can come together and work as a united front. Either way, you must rid yourself of this limbo. It is no way to live.

No matter how scary the unknown. You and your children will be ok.

SAF

SAF

You are getting stronger. That is evident.

But I also think you are tired of living in limbo.

You are tired of your wife sitting on the fence.

If I were you not only would I show my wife the letter but I would also prepare to ask your family and her family for their support as your family goes through this struggle.

You are all going to need all the help, support and love they can muster.

Especially your wife.

Because she has made the most harmful of decisions.

Her problem is she is now unable to face reality.

So do her the favor of reintroducing reality on her, the OM and your family.

You really have no choice.

Between her attitude, lack of remorse and baby developing you really have no choice.

neither does she.

I admire your courage and your faith.

HM

If I were you not only would I show my wife the letter but I would also prepare to ask your family and her family for their support as your family goes through this struggle.

Actually, I think I'm going to go through the letter with her at MC. Tell her it's the letter to my family and I want to run it by her for accuracy. (Everything in the letter is accurate.) At the end I'll say, "Thank you for your help. I want to make sure my family gets all the correct information."

The letter is pretty damning. How could it not be? Maybe the idea of the word getting out will shake her grip on her fantasy world. Of course, I'll send it unless I get immediate remorse. To my family and hers. Mushroom cloud to follow.

Saf,

I'm sensing a shift in your mindset. You're finally opening yourself up to the idea that the bastardised (sorry, couldn't resist) version of a family life you're trying to save just isn't going to work. There is no scenario in this which includes anything remotely similar to your old normal life. So it's time time give up on that idea and, as you put it, go nuclear.

If you abandon the old life and old marriage, which are in fact dead, you can focus n building a new life for you and your kids which may or may not include your wife, but certainly does NOT include the POSOM.

Maybe the idea of the word getting out will shake her grip on her fantasy world. Of course, I'll send it unless I get immediate remorse. To my family and hers. Mushroom cloud to follow.

I would strongly advise NOT showing her the letter prior to sending. This will only allow her to do damage control.

Here again you are trying to "show" her why she should stay and show her what the consequences could or might be....this tactic falls short because nothing really "happens". And by you TELLING her about the letter prior to sending, you take the sting out of result.

Just sent it. Stop talking and start doing.