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You are still under the impression that OM gets any say in your life. Honestly, even if the baby is his, do you really believe their fantasy life of never having to deal with each others shit is going to lead into a lifelong love? You give them way too much credit.

The reality is much more stark. We've all been trying to tell you that. Give her a taste of what its going to be like if you don't want to lose her. Do the 180. Be nothing but business with her. Only bills and kids. Nothing more. She wants to live without you or is on the fence, knock her off. Stop bringing her flowers and a pillow to make her more comfortable. Remove yourself.

I know it seems as if that is counterproductive. But is what you have been doing working?

Just because you stay married, if your wife doesn't remove her head from her ass, and get on the bandwagon to be a good mom and wife, your home even if you stay together will be far from healthy.

We're on the same page, here. That's why in my original post I said there would be a chance. The italics didn't show up in your quoted excerpt. A chance. No guarantee indicated. Nothing assumed. Not even all that optimistic. A chance.

The OM, as the father of the unborn child (or not) may or may not last the course. Seriously, do you think someone who is deemed to be "too immature" to be a parent is going to last once he is the part-time parent of two and the full time parent of one? Do you not think he may get the yen for greener pastures that don't include kids' menus, diapers and sippy cups?

I thought my ex and the OW were a permanent thing. He moved in with her before the divorce was final . . . and moved out a few months later. The yo-yo thing went on for more than a few years until they finally broke up 4 years after the divorce was final. She had two children that were both under the age of 5 when the affair started, and once they hit the difficult teen/pre-teen years, my ex realized this wasn't what he wanted. The split was even more acrimonious than the divorce (hard to believe).

So the OM may or may not be a factor here. I would be concentrating MY efforts on myself and not him.

With today's technology, it may be possible for you to take on a job in another area and work remotely. Don't rule that out.

What you need to stop doing is concentrating on what everyone else will do and not what you will do. You can't control everyone else. You can control you.

Cat

You are still under the impression that OM gets any say in your life. Honestly, even if the baby is his, do you really believe their fantasy life of never having to deal with each others shit is going to lead into a lifelong love? You give them way too much credit.

Not at all. It doesn't matter whether they are in love or not. While my xWW and I would share custody of our children, at worst my xWW and the OM would share custody of that child. This means that she couldn't move anywhere without his permission without a court order or surrendering custody. And if she can't move anywhere without a court order then I can't move anywhere without a court order or surrendering custody. The status of their relationship or even marital status is irrelevant.

Sure, perhaps he will get fed up and walk away from his own kid. But that would still leave me at the whim of my xWW or at the mercy of the court. Those sound like terrible odds. Who would gamble on that this far out??

The OM, as the father of the unborn child (or not) may or may not last the course. Seriously, do you think someone who is deemed to be "too immature" to be a parent is going to last once he is the part-time parent of two and the full time parent of one? Do you not think he may get the yen for greener pastures that don't include kids' menus, diapers and sippy cups?

See above. It doesn't matter much if he stays or walks. At worst, I stay here because he wants me to. At best, I have to stay here because my xWW would want me to.

With today's technology, it may be possible for you to take on a job in another area and work remotely. Don't rule that out.

In other professions, perhaps. Not for the job I'm hoping to get, unfortunately.

What you need to stop doing is concentrating on what everyone else will do and not what you will do. You can't control everyone else. You can control you.

This!! All of this. (Cat is awesome!)

You are giving away too much of your power.

Why don't you start looking into that job now? If you want to move, do it now. Before the court gets involved. Bring her with you. She's not going anywhere, she has it made. If you want a job in another location get it NOW. The only reason she wants to stay with you is because of your income (sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but she did state that). You think she'll fight you if there's more money some place else? Make her POS OM move to where you want to go. I'd bet a million bucks he'd use it as an excuse to remove himself from your wife and the OC because there's more of a chance he's going to do that and this is a perfect excuse.

Take control!

Why don't you start looking into that job now? If you want to move, do it now. Before the court gets involved. Bring her with you. She's not going anywhere, she has it made. If you want a job in another location get it NOW. The only reason she wants to stay with you is because of your income (sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but she did state that). You think she'll fight you if there's more money some place else? Make her POS OM move to where you want to go. I'd bet a million bucks he'd use it as an excuse to remove himself from your wife and the OC because there's more of a chance he's going to do that and this is a perfect excuse.

Take control!

I am looking into these jobs now. These jobs open up from about now until April. That's it. After that I probably have to wait a year. The problem is that if I get one of these jobs my WW will likely say, "Ok, bye bye. The kids are staying here with me." Legally, I doubt I can pack up the kids and move. She won't tag along just for the money. No, I need her buy in for any move to be successful.

Legally, I doubt I can pack up the kids and move. She won't tag along just for the money. No, I need her buy in for any move to be successful

You don't know this is true.

I think this is where you are holding yourself back the most. Deciding in your mind what is and is not possible without having all the information. You've done it many times already.

Stop eliminating your options out of fear and doubt. You've been pigeon holing yourself into no options. We understand the situation is painful but there is much more self fulfilling prophecy going on here than you are willing to see.

Confirmation bias at work here backing up your certainty that your life is ruined. Stop it! You are keeping yourself right where she needs to have you for maximum effect. You are doing it to yourself, she doesn't even need to make an effort. You haven't been anything but a victim here. You reject everything that could break you out of the victim role.

If this is the time of year the jobs are available-apply for them now.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 8:22 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

SAF - You need to stop making assumptions and start acting.

You think you know and that stops you from doing anything productive since this whole thing has started. All that has resulted in is you being more broken down, and more convinced that you are going to loose out no matter what you do. Yet you really have done NOTHING, and you are miserable, in pain, and scared shitless.

Stop allowing the fear to paralyze you. Rethink how you felt the moment you walked out of that attorney's office. You had just an inkling of the power and control you can take with this situation. Strap in and act.

Get angry, SAF. Anger will help you move forward.

SAF,

Don't assume the outcome. Talk to your attorney for options. Apply for that job. See if there can be temporary orders put in place that allows you to move to your new job and take your kids with you. I don't know if it can be done. You don't know yet either, but that's what your lawyer is there for.

If this is actually possible to arrange DON'T TELL YOUR WW ABOUT ANY OF IT. Just do it. Your WW isn't processing your words. You need to show actions. File now, apply for those positions, when get an offer then hand your WW the D papers.

I think cliffside is right. I think the OM will see that as an opportunity to bail and use the situation to gracefully exit out of his responsibilities. He doesn't sound like he's truly ready for the responsibilities of raising a child so I can't imagine him wanting to further sacrifice his current employment and living conditions to accommodate yours.

You need to prioritize for you and your kids. Let your WW prioritize for herself, the OC, and the OM. Don't waste anymore time and energy on those three. That's her mess to clean up and figure out.

[This message edited by Jduff at 9:27 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

SAF, you've gotten a lot of good advice here. Listen, I totally get the paralysis. My first M was to a woman who had a 4 yo girl. We then had a son together. I discovered her A and confronted. She looked me straight in the eye and informed me that she had married me for the CS she would be able to collect. The court would NEVER(this was 20 years ago in the mid west where women ALWAYS got custody)give me more than an EOW visitation.

She was wrong. Actually, so was I. I had NO hope, not only was I asking the court to grant primary custody to a man(Gasp!), I was asking that the court split the siblings.(I also tried for my step daughter, but had no standing) They did. Not only that, but the decision was upheld by the appellate and state supreme courts.

My point is, it's probably not as set in stone as you think. XW didn't use drugs, didn't drink, wasn't violent. She just placed her relationship with the OM over the welfare of her children. I proved that my priority was my son.

The court agreed.

BTW, she had to pay me CS for the next 14 years.

Strength

You don't need to take the jobs. Just apply for them. But if you're so convinced she would say Bye, bye so quickly, why haven't you filed for D yet?

You need to do *something*. Applying for a new job will not only give you something to focus on but it will probably boost your self esteem and give you some feeling of accomplishment.

You give your wife and this OM a lot of credit. Credit they do not deserve. Think about it. They decided to have a baby while dating for two months and while she was still married. You keep predicting they will do morally responsible things. They're CRAZY! What single people with no attachments even decide to have a baby after two months? your wife and this guy decided to this after two months, while she was still married and had two children. That's some bat shit crazy thinking.

Focus on you. Apply for the jobs, it will do you no harm.

I cannot imagine that it is the case that OM, even if paternity was legally established, could have any right to determine where you will live. I think now is the time to determine where your WW really stands. Tell her that this new job is best for your family and that you want her commitment to move where necessary if you get it. See what happens. If she tells you she will not make that move because of OM and his rights to see OC, then I think you have the answer to whether or not your M can be saved. She has to be willing to put you and your children first and integrate OC into your family if you are going to have any chance of successful R. OM and his visitation rights, if any, should come second. He can move if he wants to see his child. He needs to be making the sacrifices, not you and your family.

And check out the divorce laws in the states you are looking at jobs at. Maybe you can move and establish residency and file from a more favorable state which doesn't automatically grant 50/50 custody.

Many states with no fault divorce do not have no fault custody. They consider an adulterous parent who intentionally gets impregnated by AP one who has not acted in the best interest of the children and would grant full custody to the other parent. Your wife's behavior is extreme, sick and self serving and would be seen that way by many judges outside the state of California.

[This message edited by whattheh at 10:28 AM, February 28th (Friday)]

Strange: Everyone tells you the same thing. File for divorce. It can't hurt you and will put some pressure on your wife to reach an agreement with you.

But you won't. I've just reread the last fify or so posts, yours in particular. I've never read such a collection of feeble excuses for not filing for divorce.

You are in a lose-lose-lose situation. NOBODY will win here, nobody. All you can do is to make the outcome slightly better for yourself. The OM is not going to vanish. The baby isn't going away. And the children still need care.

And the clock is ticking. She'll have the baby soon enough. And then the bad stuff hits the rotating device. What are you going to do when the arrangements among the three of you (four, counting the OM's child) are not to your satisfaction? Throw a hissy fit? Your time to object is NOW, not later when it is too late.

DO SOMETHING!

I've just reread the last fify or so posts, yours in particular. I've never read such a collection of feeble excuses for not filing for divorce.

I hear what you are saying. From where I sit, though, my desire to see my kids every day doesn't seem like a feeble excuse. That's what I struggle with more than anything else.

Your "...desire to see your kids every day does not feel like a feeble excuse."

So, that's it? Stay married at all costs, so you can see your kids every day? They obviously won't be living in a healthy family, but you'd get to see them every day.

In extreme circumstances, like yours and mine, could this ^ start to become a selfish and not "sacrificing for the greater good", as you have previously pronounced?

...so YOU could see your kids every day. That would be regardless of your relationship with your wife, right? And what about your kids? Would you be forcing upon them a childhood of seeing a dysfunctional, unhappy and unloving "marriage"? ...a mother who is disrespectful to her husband, and a father who is disrespectful to himself.

Below, I've reposted what I wrote to you back in January. It's still what I would like to say to you.

There are no obvious solutions that are apparent to me, so I'm sorry I can't offer more. I'll say this. If your W is without extreme remorse and is telling you she's not sure that she loves you (or worse), IMO you have one path to take and that path is toward D. Staying in your M, under those circumstances (regardless of another child on the way), is not a sacrifice for the greater good, IMO. It would be living a lie. On the other hand, if you must divorce, you can know that your children, as they grow up, will see you at your best and will ultimately respect your choice. When they are older, you will have taught them something about valuing yourself and not allowing others to demean and disrespect you. They will know that they grew up in an authentic, truthful existence, versus living in the midst of some twisted lie of false love, which they may never decode.