SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

From what I remember, the OM blames you for ruining his life...

It really sounds like he is just trying anything he can to ruin your life.

Be careful, He sounds revenge driven now, if he now has nothing to lose, then remember desperate people can do desperate things, especially if his is intent on destroying you and/or you family.

Collateral damage (your kids and their intact family) are likely not even be a consideration.

IMO it seems your WW is awestruck by the Pandora's box she has opened and the fallout that continues from it.

I wish you both well.

PR

Came home and she said she called the police and is pressing charges.

It's nice to see SS17 showing you with actions and making the right choice.

I'm still pulling for her to get better but sometimes I just can't take it. I want her to get better and fix herself. I just don't know how much more of OM I can take.

You need to separate the actions of OM/WW. For all of the shit she has done, she didn't drive all over your lawn and write that email. He did.

Did she invite him into your marriage? You bet your ass she did. She has much ownership to take and work to do, but she didn't write that email. This guy was invested, at her invitation, in taking over your life. It hasn't worked out and he doesn't have much to show for it. He is going to try to fish and get his edge back.

You don't owe anyone an explanation a to why you are done.

All that she can now is start from where she is. It is drop in the bucket to make that call. Perhaps your are not willing to wait for her to make the 1000's more deposits in the trust but verify bucket. That is your choice.

However, it is my opinion that she is making that effort. It may be too late, it may not ping on your radar of give a shit. Again, your choice. That drop doesn't mean much yet. Perhaps all you can do in the 'not divorcing' state is wait to see if any of it makes an impact over time.

I'm sorry. This sucks.

I'm still pulling for her to get better but sometimes I just can't take it. I want her to get better and fix herself. I just don't know how much more of OM I can take.

You need to separate the actions of OM/WW. For all of the shit she has done, she didn't drive all over your lawn and write that email. He did.

Did she invite him into your marriage? You bet your ass she did. She has much ownership to take and work to do, but she didn't write that email. This guy was invested, at her invitation, in taking over your life. It hasn't worked out and he doesn't have much to show for it. He is going to try to fish and get his edge back.

You don't owe anyone an explanation a to why you are done.

All that she can now is start from where she is. It is drop in the bucket to make that call. Perhaps your are not willing to wait for her to make the 1000's more deposits in the trust but verify bucket. That is your choice.

However, it is my opinion that she is making that effort. It may be too late, it may not ping on your radar of give a shit. Again, your choice. That drop doesn't mean much yet. Perhaps all you can do in the 'not divorcing' state is wait to see if any of it makes an impact over time.

I'm sorry. This sucks.

I just don't know how much more of OM I can take. I think he has seriously gone of the deep end. I look at my WW and see her distress and pain. I didn't cause it she did but I want to help her.

He IS the problem now.

In 99% if affairs, once the WW is remorseful, the affair is over and she is trying hard to R, the OM goes away, he is out of the picture.

It is very unusual for the OM to continue to contact and bother the WW, especially like this.

This OM is certainly making it very difficult for your wife to stay on the original course and R. Without all of this interference from the OM, who knows how much better things would be.

Saying she is sorry all of the time, is about the only thing she can say at this time. It is just not often the OM is such a nutcase.

I would say try not to let him ruin the change at R. That is obviously what he wants.

I'm glad WW handled it by pressing charges. OM has definitely gone off the deep end. I'm afraid anything less than pressing charges each time will only serve to encourage him to continue his attempts. OM got away with emailing in the past so hopefully this will let him know that any attempt at contact with your WW is not going to be tolerated.

I do hope you are able to get your kids into some kind of counseling. All of this can't be easy on them.

just checking in with you brother. I hope it was a good evening.

strength

I hope you had a good night… and all is ok, or as ok as possible at this point.

Hope you're chugging water, eating a few aspirin, and wishing that you had had about 2 less than you did. And that you had an epic night!

Surprisingly good this morning. Called the wife very early and made sure she and the kids were alright. Got up early enough to get in a run and ended up at in laws and saw the kids before school.

Took the wife to the station so she could sign yet another PO

Form. OM was arrested early morning for PO violation and DWI.

Then I took her to the DA's office and spoke with ADA prosecuting. OM has numerous charges and is being offered another plea bargain. This one gets him convictions for PO violation and DWI and a 10 year PO for wife. If convicted any other PO violations or DWI in the next 10 years is a felony.

When we left my wife just grabbed my hand and apologized for hurting me and bringing this mess into our lives and she asked if I needed her to do anything. For a short time I had the wife I always thought I had back.

Swat,

Glad to hear you had a good day! Just take it one day at a time and know that we have your back!

Glad to hear your day has gone well. Still praying for you, and your family, SWAT.

SWAT I have read through most of your thread and wow; just wow! I am so sorry you are here, but hoping it gets better soon.

I've been reading this thread and I can't help but think that the OM's main goal with having an A was to hurt you, and not because he wanted to be with your wife. It seems like he has always felt like you were the better man and he took this opportunity to stick it to you. His fantasy was that he would humiliate you and take your family thus proving himself to be the better man. Your wife fed those delusions and now that she's not playing the game anymore he is going off the rails. Be careful. He does sound like a sociopath.

You have handled everything amazingly well. Of course it hurts but you have maneuvered this shitstorm with grace and courage.

When we left my wife just grabbed my hand and apologized for hurting me and bringing this mess into our lives and she asked if I needed her to do anything. For a short time I had the wife I always thought I had back.

I hope you answered her question with something like this:

"Never let go of my hand and be the woman you promised to be and took the same vows as me."

Keep fighting Swat. Your family is worth it.

"Never let go of my hand and be the woman you promised to be and took the same vows as me."

That just made me cry and the only explanation I have is PMS.

I really hope you didn't say anything like what was posted above. It's way too soon to trust your wife with that much of your emotion. That would be a great line in a movie, but this isn't a movie. The reality is that your wife is still acting on a mixture of fear, adrenaline and self loathing. She is still in self preservation mode. She may very well be remorseful and working hard to change herself into the person you deserve to be married to but it's at least equally likely that her actions at this point are purely self preservational.

She seems to be saying and doing the right things but she did prior to her meeting with the POSER at the bar as well. Hope for the best, but it's far too soon to let your guard down.

I hope I don't cause you anymore pain than what your already going through. Do you mind if I ask what the relationship was with you, your WW and the OM before you and your wife got married?

I agree and I disagree. Here's why. SWAT's wife has made progress. It's obvious he loves her and wants his marriage to survive. She appears to love him and she DID follow through with pressing charges. Would it be so wrong to express the way he feels even if it is early in the game? Obviously there is a lot of work to be done but sometimes positive encouragement is a good thing. Then again, as in my case with multiple DDays, I had to kick mine to the curb before he "got it". <shrugs shoulders>

eta: needadvise - if you read his wife's (SoSorry17) thread in the wayward forum, you'll find the answer to that.

[This message edited by Chicky at 11:33 PM, May 20th (Tuesday)]

The history is this. When I was early teens I moved into town and became friends with my future BIL, who was friends with OM. We all became very close and grew up together. After HS I joined the military and left town. OM actually dated my wife briefly before I came home. We eventually started dating and I married my wife. OM was supposed to be one of my best friends and he was one of my supervisors at work.