SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a great example of the meaning "words don't mean much".

I completely understand what you're saying about the negativity. I posted on here and the response was overwhelmingly negative. The best thing you can do is research. I have done a ton of research and read so many articles from relationship experts and psychologists and it has seriously helped me process my emotions and get my relationship back on the right track. One thing I've read is that it's harder to stay in a relationship and work things out, people are condemned for staying but not for leaving. People cheat for a variety of reasons and an affair doesn't mean it's the end. No one knows her like you do, no one knows your relationship like you do. You have to make the decision that is best for you. Everyone here is on the outside looking in through a foggy window, we don't know the whole story, just the part with the affair. It's like watching 10 minutes of the climax of a movie and giving a critique based on that. Do what feels right, it's better to take the chance and know for sure than to leave not knowing if things could've ended perfectly.

IHF, I'm sorry it hasn't worked out the way that you have wanted. People akin the A to a fog but I think it's far closer to addiction. A week being clean of the love drugs is a drop in the bucket when it comes to sobriety. There was just no way that she was ready to drop her feelings for OM even if she ended it. Unfortunately, I have found that in situations like these where the WS goes back and forth between the BS and the AP, it's more likely that they will leave when they haven't been NC for long enough with the AP than stay and work on R.

Your WW was addicted to the rush of getting back together with whomever she wasn't with at the moment and the validating and new relationship energy that came with it. When she left you for OM, she'd start missing you within days and think about going back as soon as that high wore off. When she left OM for you, the same thing would happen. Each time she would think she was making a mistake because she was not able to keep that rush going and she would start planning her escape all over again. She had no idea that she became addicted to coming back home to one of you more than she was in love with either of you.

Breaking this kind of addiction is HARD. Harder than other kinds when it comes to infidelity because R isn't glamorous and fun. It's hard work and even a WS who starts off doing everything right will get bored and sick of it eventually. They will reminisce about when they left for AP and how it was rainbows and butterflies at least for a little bit. I have seen a seemingly remorseful WW go as long as almost 2 years before she went back to OM with verifiable NC in between, IC/MC, and the works thrown in. PM me if you would like a link to that story. It is a very messy situation with a low success rate once that back and forth pattern has been established.

I hope for you that you break this pattern now and if at any point in the future you do think your WW may be R worthy, you make her earn it by spending at least a month or more away from both you and OM. Make her do a real detox and not the band aid fix of only a week. Make her seriously own and start fixing herself before you commit. It will give you at least a fighting chance at R.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 12:07 PM, December 30th (Saturday)]

My husband and I have reconciled, but it is a hard road. In order for him to be a safe partner for me, he AND I had to do a lot of hard work. I had to look at him, and our marriage, as they really were, NOT what I wanted to see. Doing this definitely helped us become stronger, but I will tell you that some days are very painful - I just learned how to bear and move through the pain. Was it the right decision? Yes. Is it all unicorns and rainbows? No. It is hard work, but we are better than we were. When I first posted on this site, I felt like everyone was being negative. It took me a long time to realize that people had my best interests at heart and that I had to take what I needed and to leave the rest. I had to put my big girl panties on and look at my relationship and my WH for what they were: damaged. I had to be willing to do the work to fix these things or face a very painful life living in a dysfunctional marriage with a damaged person. He had to do the work in order to be a safe partner. I had to make hard decisions and decide for myself what I needed and could to do for me and for my family. The people on this site helped me through all of this. Sometimes you don't hear what you want to hear, you hear what you NEED to hear.

our conversations went deep. Real deep. We talked about everything. I don't have any concerns left unanswered. And when I say this I mean ...

It's not going to work.

I found out why she left me, what our faults in the marriage were, idk... we talked about a lot. I know a little too much now to be honest. It all boils down to this, she is still "confused" and has feelings for this OM. She came back to me and thought she knew what she wanted but once she was back, she didn't know again(I think sex played a big part). That of course is unacceptable. I also gathered she isn't willing to put in the work when it comes down to it. She doesn't really WANT to leave her job. She doesn't WANT to go to IC. I've realized these aren't things I can make her want and there's no point trying to change her mind. She also expressed she would want to live alone and that she only came back because the divorce papers made her realize she HAD to have me in her life. Makes no sense, right? She continually says she loves me and she can't imagine a world where we aren't involved in each other's lives but it's hollow to me. I told her there was no chance at keeping contact if we were no longer married --- no friends, no nothing.

IHF, For what it's worth, I wouldn't take what she said any more than I would take stock in what a tripping drug addict says. For good or for bad.

She is in the fog or is an addict of the natural rush of the elicit affair... Whatever you call it, when she expresses her feelings right now, it's like asking someone how they feel as they are skydiving or on a roller coaster. So when you say it won't work because of what she said, don't trust it.

My experience has been that filing for D and exposing the affair to all will quench the high she is getting. When reality sets in in a few weeks or months, she will regain conscious awareness of what the fuck she has done to herself.

That is when you can evaluate if she may be R material. It can take some time. Mine took about a year before it all wore off. Now she is R material.

It's up to you whether you want to wait or just move on. I just think that if you really want to R, you are going to have to let the medicine of D papers and exposure and separation be given some time. It can take a while for some.

My 2 cents from my experience...

NP5

IHF, how are you doing? Thought about you today...

Bump

IHF, how are you doing? Have you been able to move on?

I hope so.

Bump again. Just thought I would bump this to see how you are doing and what the situation is with you. Take care and let us know when you can.

Hello Ithasfeels

How are you doing?