SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

IHF I know it sucks but you now know where you stand with her and what you're truly dealing with.

Your wife has NO idea what love is. End of story!

You'll get through this....stronger and wiser....and peace of mind and happiness are ahead.

I know you're sad but you should be extremely proud of yourself my friend.

Ok. Glad you took a step off the roller coaster to realize and see this.

If each of you can start and stay in IC I think it would do you both good, especially her, whether or not you end up together.

She has a lot to figure out about life and love.

Of course, as you said, you can’t make her go, so if you can stick with this plan as you laid it out, it will certainly help you find your way out of infidelity and toward happiness.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 9:57 AM, December 24th (Sunday)]

Most of the time, most, I firmly believe cheaters cheat because they want BOTH, not because they prefer one or the other, they want both. Or at least the illusion that both are at their disposal. That is where getting yourself out of infidelity upsets the cheaters applecart, no longer do they have both available.

Sorry man but you just got a good heavy dose of cheater speak. She wants to cake eat. She won't be living alone.

She wants OM but needs you on the back burner so to speak.

All cheaters want to be "friends". It helps alieviate guilt, etc. it's all for them not you.

Sorry man but if you don't want to wallow in this you'll have Go completely dark and cut her off.

I hope you didn't stop the D process.

It was the holiday nostalgia that brought this temporary reprieve but that's all it is.

IMO I wouldn't go through that with her. Pack up and move on today.

[This message edited by Marz at 10:02 AM, December 24th (Sunday)]

Use her feelings at this time to get the best settlement you can. You'll need it.

Don't just give her everything to get away. Get your fair share.

Make this time count for you. She's gone !!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 10:23 AM, December 24th (Sunday)]

Wow, she came back just so she could friend-zone you and get the apartment...what a piece of work.

At least she was finally honest in your long talks...now you know she's not willing to do any work to save the M and doesn't even want to live with you.

I'm glad you recognize you can't be friends with her...that would just be a recipe for more heartache and getting jerked around by her. I think she is so far out in la-la land she can't even see that she's making your life hell, and the best thing you can do is avoid her. You're plan to move away is a good one.

I'm so sorry it didn't work out, and that she pulled this crap right before Christmas. I guess there is never a good time though.

Wow, she came back just so she could friend-zone you and get the apartment...what a piece of work.

In one simple sentence Liz showed how well you got played. No criticism of you. In fact, you made yourself vulnerable (meaning open) to try and fight for your M, and you were able to listen to you gut. Read and re-read Liz's sentence is you ever find yourself weakening on NC. I agree that you have to go completely dark with her because of all her BS of you remaining in her life, she can't live without you.

IHF, You're high value. She is seriously messed up.

You don't owe her anything. It is not wise to make plans that is centered around her comfort (financially and emotionally)? She took off in the middle of your M, spent 2 months with the OM, wished you well and once served with D papers, she showed up at your door. Then she again says she is not sure, has feelings for the OM etc etc.. I think the only person you need to take care and consider is you yourself. Your future plans should be based on what is good for you and how you feel like doing it. IMHO you need not to move anywhere and distort your current flow, it is her who needs to think how to proceed, not you...

[This message edited by burcm at 11:53 AM, December 24th (Sunday)]

She wants two guys to continue to fight over here. The D papers forced her hand and she misplayed it. Our hero here was onto her game. Well done man.

I don't think I got played ... that's pretty jaded (I know a lot of you want to see the absolute worst but it's not always like that). I'm escaping a bad situation and I'll no longer have to pay a half of the rent in a place I don't even really want to be. Instead of keeping myself isolated in the new city I've finally decided to go back to the old city where I can instantly go back to school and get work easier since I know people. I probably should have done that from the start, but I wasn't ready. I regret nothing. I've accepted things as they are and am not "afraid" of being asked about what happened by old friends in my old city which was a huge factor in why I decided to stay in the new city. I literally did everything I feel I could to save things. I'm at peace, but yeah it's a shit situation. Some of the advice was we need to be separate without her being with the OM and this is the only way to do that. While In town I talked to a friend that will let me stay with him a couple of months for 400. I see moving and leaving as a true fresh start. Not to mention she has until Jan 1 to respond to the D papers and she likely won't respond at all...I plan to D in all scenarios.

[This message edited by Ithasfeels at 2:26 PM, December 24th (Sunday)]

Great update IHF...thank you as many posters never come back.

I have a couple of questions:

1. Does she realize you've decided to move on regarding the relationship...it sounds as though you reached this decision after the deep convos you had last night.

2. Does she know you're returning to the old city and what was her reaction? I know she wanted you in her life, has she accepted that this is not going to happen?

3. Likely a given but are you confident she'll end up back with the POSOM? Does she know / accept his part in the demise of the M and the part that he owns in this mess?

4. Do her parents know and how are they seeing her actions?

thanks again for staying with us on this....

You wonder if she's emotionally confused or retarded? I favor the latter.

Good luck in the old city.

[This message edited by MidnightRun at 3:12 PM, December 24th (Sunday)]

I'm just catching up and was going to post some advice about R but clearly it's not needed. Oh, well, I'll give it anyway just in case.

R is not linear for either the WS or the BS. It's up and down and backwards and forwards. Despite deciding she wants you, she will likely still have wayward thinking because it's who she is. Counseling and reading can help, and lots of work on her part.

You will also have good days and bad days. That's true whether you R or D.

You seem to have clarity but I thought you did before, so who knows what will really happen. Whatever you decide, it's up to you to decide.

Take care.

Feels,

I just spent the last several hours reading all 25 pages of your debacle. I made all the same mistakes initially. Fuck Man! What can I say? The Big Let Down comes to mind. That "Hope-ium" is a powerful drug.

I was sitting here hoping-like in a good novel- the good guy would get the prize in the end.

But You know what Man? It ain't over. It's a new chapter for you Bro. You're on your way Forward now. Don't look back. You've got a lot of years ahead. Make them Good years.

My WW is living with AP2 (3?,n?) for 4 months now. Would I want her back? Yeh, I'd love the original 1.0 version back, not the defiled 2.0 version. Too much psychological shit to wade through again. Do I still love her? Yes. Can I be married to her? No chance in Hell.

I'll never get past the part of her voluntarily, willingly giving herself to OM (plural) AND ENJOYING IT. I can't fix that. Even if the hopium dream you just had played itself in my reality I'd be right where you find yourself now.

Oh 1 other thing. I know in my state if I have sex with WW while separated, it's considered "forgiveness" and the adultery charge is moot at that point. I already went through one STD test for AP1, I'm not doing that again for AP2 or AP 42

You seem to be on the right path now. Focus on you, go NC when she leaves and know there is a lifemate out there for you.

I was wondering what her and your parents know and think.

But regardless, you got your answer, it’s not costing you much and you can go reinvent yourself thru school.

Take care.

Hi, I’m a newbie here (and also a daughter of a cheating father, which is the reason I’m here).

Ithasfeels, you are a true gentleman, have kind heart, and seem to see the best in people.

Considering the narrative of your WW’s actions, she has returned to you to polish her personal image. She mentioned about her future kids. This would not make a nice story to tell your kids that you did not have a moral compass in your first marriage.

She has every right to build her own happiness, but being intimate with the OM while married is inconceivable for a normal person. She could have finished her current marriage first before becoming the other man’s lover.

As Stevesn said, you are heading in the right direction. Please take care. Society needs people like you.

Also would like to add. Her new beau may be well-off and all that, but he has to live with the fact that he stole another man’s wife. So in a nutshell, he is a low-life as no amount of money would wash away his dirty conscience. Unless he is retarded like your WW, then people of their kind may not have conscience at all.

I know you still have affectionate feelings towards her, just like I’m not capable of hating my father for betraying my mother, but I can’t help but wonder, how can these people calmly build their happiness on the misery of others?

My mother is eternally hurt by betrayal, but to be honest, it is difficult to be jealous towards people who lack sense of honour. Sometimes I think that they are not different from primitive animals, but only have human appearance.

Well, so much for spending her life doing whatever it takes to make it right.

I've been thru this too. The indecisiveness is soul draining.

One day you will be able to look at this clinically and you will see that you had a woman who was a liar, a user, a drama queen, and a coward.

You gave up everything for her and she could not make it 60 days in her new career before she decided to drop you.

ThEn she gives you 30 days and can't make it through that.

Now you are back together for a week and she has her doubts.

NC is your only choice now. Otherwise, she is going to keep doing this. You could carve a better woman out of a banana and you need this like rectal cancer.

Yeah, she's hot and all that, but inside she appears to be a classic narcissist. You will be much better with a plain Jane who actually is devoted to you.

Good luck going forward marine.

IHF, all the best to you.

I liked that you have found peace, and that is what really counts in the end. I do hope that this peace you have found lasts.

If for whatever reason your WW follows you to the old city, and asks for R, would you consider it? This would be a real test of your resolve, as you will be in your 'place of power'.

I think one of the reasons you were so wishy-washy, was that you had subconsciously decided to sabotage yourself by isolating yourself by staying in the new city. You were in unfamiliar territory, and had no support system.

Now that you have taken the decision to move back to your old city, I think you would have a much better chance of healing.

Please make sure that you maintain NC with your WW, or this will set you back on your healing.

Gently ... you were played. Pretty hard.

She made you the OM. She was in a relationship with him and she didn't even take the time to break up with him. She did to him what she did to you. She just suddenly up and left.