SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As far as choosing D or not. It is way to early and you are still in the beginning phases to really know that. One day you may and one day you may not. That is okay to feel like that. The only thing you need to really do is to work on you and your healing. To do that, you need to shelter (180) yourself from her poison. Till things clear. The beginning is more like a merry-go-round stuck on a roller coaster. Just take it one day at a time. For now you do have a trump card. If you were so prone to anger, you can point out how you haven't hacked the software and you have gone to MC. Just stay alert and start to build your own case for D court and to shine light on your positive qualities.

Donegone, you have a private message. Sending this because I'm not sure if you check them.

Sometimes bigger is not better.

I am not concerned about your M, your WW nor the MC. I am concerned about you DG.

You are done some things that should be a concern to anyone who cares about you.

Make sure your anger in under control before you read these emails.

Do not take the phone or tablet to mc with you! Get the password and then take it to IT guy and tell him to you are afraid prior messageses were deleted and they need to be opened in a way/location where they do not update and erase what is on the phone/tablet. I'm sorry but if I were in your situation I would record everything and since the wife drug the teen kids in to it they would already been set straight about what was going on.

You have been lying to them by omision and letting wifey minimize the situation and turn them against you.

I believe the fact she stated it would be the death of her is a way of admitting she had sex with him and may have said things about OM being better in bed and trashing your abilities and it is in black and white. She knows there is no recovery.

I do not believe she will give you the pass words either and you should have the items hacked.

Maybe even have them at the IT GUYS on stand by to be hacked. If you get the password you can call him to start the process and if you do not call and tell him to hack it and make copies.

[This message edited by DivinelyFavored at 3:04 PM, May 10th (Sunday)]

WW stated in last MC that computer and phone be the end for her

Does that mean she things when you read it you will want nothing to do with her? Or is she saying she is done with therapy?

Got to say mate there's a lot of people giving you the same advice, and your not taking it

He has got too much sh!t hitting him at once.

He needs to step back.

DG,

With your last posting it is obvious that you are in a reckless place than before. Maybe while everybody here is trying to create a safer place for you, you have lost balance completely. The difficult situation here is that you still don't know the truth and it is still a mystery. So while been tortured by the unknown of what your wife had done in her A, your wife on the other hand is trying to (be remorseful OR clean her image in front the family) this is debatable.

Obviously, your love for her is your weakness and your are avoiding talking to her and sticking for the information that will come from the laptop and the phone. If you talk to her you are afraid of losing it and show your feelings. (Manning up doesn't mean hiding your feelings or being afraid of letting it out and crying, it is the courage of facing your fear). On the other hand, your wife is telling you that if you get the passwords, it will be over. So both of you are running in circles at the same velocity that's why you are not coming to a cross point where to stop and face your fears each of you.

Let us put some facts:

1) You have not cracked the passwords by a professional because you are afraid of the information, and you are trying to delay it the same as your wife is doing. There is no way that you cannot find a technician around that can do that for you.

2) You are hoping that it was not a PA, so there will be a chance of R even if you are not admitting it now.

3) You are enjoying seeing here tortured, in a way or another her emails and text messages feed your ego.

4) Both of you are trapping each other to delay your situation and decision.

5) Both of you are afraid of your demons. The torture is on both side. The only thing that will help you now is to face reality, reveal the truth and decide which way you are going to take after that D/R than move forward together or separate.

Dude you need to communicate in a way or another. If MC is not working find another one or another Mediator from the family or a friend that can be the damper between you. You need to reveal your feelings to her face to face / Via phone / via email / Letter etc... You name it, but stop going in circles for your on sake.

Life goes on...

Just say "I'm going to be honest, this MC is making me feel worse not better. I didn't ask to be put into this position, so I've been thinking and it would make me feel a ton better if we could see someone else. I've made an appointment"

It is a super reasonable request, particularly given that you are the victim. If she battles too much then a game is being played.

So sorry you feel up against a firing squad.

Perhaps a better way to view our support is that the firing squad is standing next you as we take aim at your wife? Metaphorically speaking.

I am not concerned for your anger unless this awful MC pushes your buttons too much.

But, you can handle that.

I brought up the suggestion of not having the devices in your possession at the next session because wife could call the police on you for theft.

Not because you will lose your cool.

What Eric said is reasonable, do you think?

Maybe to gain some control back.

I think you are playing along now solely to be able to keep your daughters admiration.

Playing along is fine. Just do so with eyes wide open to what might befall you. She's been backed into a corner. She's doing anything to keep afloat. That includes gaslighting you.

Get your answers, walk away. Restart your life.

Rambler

You are lucky the hotel did not press charges. You are lucky OM did not out an RO on you.

I paid a visit to the front desk, gave them my credit card information with a deposit and signed release.

hopefulmother

To do that, you need to shelter (180) yourself from her poison. Till things clear. The beginning is more like a merry-go-round stuck on a roller coaster. Just take it one day at a time. For now you do have a trump card. If you were so prone to anger, you can point out how you haven't hacked the software and you have gone to MC. Just stay alert and start to build your own case for D court and to shine light on your positive qualities.

Thank-you. Also, my two college age daughters are living with me. They love their mom, and do want this to work out; but they have chosen to live with me. I have told them that we will discuss this when the time comes but will be totally respectful of their mother.

redsox13

Does that mean she things when you read it you will want nothing to do with her? Or is she saying she is done with therapy?

She has admitted to oldest daughter that what is on there is not good and that I will never forgive her.

J0ck

Got to say mate there's a lot of people giving you the same advice, and your not taking it

I am taking it, just not on everybody's timetable.

Valentinessucks

Perhaps a better way to view our support is that the firing squad is standing next you as we take aim at your wife? Metaphorically speaking.

lol, that be the case, there are many stray bullets hitting me.

I think you are playing along now solely to be able to keep your daughters admiration.

No, not admiration, respect. I have always sacrificed admiration for respect. I will not sell myself short now.

Playing along is fine.

thanks

eric1

Just say "I'm going to be honest, this MC is making me feel worse not better. I didn't ask to be put into this position, so I've been thinking and it would make me feel a ton better if we could see someone else. I've made an appointment"

I can do three days. Let me say this. I speak with my girls everyday on this issue. They make sure of it. I do not disrespect their mother in any way. She has been a wonderful friend and mom to them. If I have anything to do with it, their relationship will not change.

From the beginning you guys hit me hard on the anger issue and so did all three attorneys.

Firstly, I had a right to know why she did what she did. A need to know is probably a better statement. I needed to know why the ‘rug was pulled out from under my life.’ I needed to know why she stabbed me in the back.

Arguably your taking her devices is criminal. She could have called the police, she has not. She is trying to save your marriage. She is conspiring with your daughters to save your marriage. She is conspiring with the MC to save your marriage. She is not conspiring against destroying you. She could have done that already, she had plenty of ammunition, and could have used a trumped-up charge with no ammunition. So she is not going to be calling you the police at the MC or any such thing. Will she give you the passwords? I give it 50-50, but she's got an agreement with your daughters, that is in your favor.

In four days, you will either get the password or you will not, either way you win, you get what you "needed." You have an agreement, just finish it, stick to your word.

I have gone from needing to know all the details for myself to needing to know these things for my girls. My situation, in my eyes went from the simple to the complex.

This has never been complex, even now. You don't need this half-assed agreement about three MC sessions to get a password. You could have just divorced, which you will do anyway. You could still do that, just tell your wife and daughters their wife does not need to give you the passwords, you are divorcing her, and then give wife's devices back to her. It has been a waste of time from the start. You have been stubborn about finding out what you already know the truth. I hope you at least know your wife had been having sex with her old boyfriend. It is about 6:30 pm where I am now, the sun is out, I can't see the moon, but I know the moon is there. And I know your wife who was sexting up her old boyfriend, telling her boyfriend that she loved him, and having sex with her. They didn't meet up with each other just to shoot the shit, they could have done that online; they met to do all of those things they sexted about.

I do not want them becoming more the casualties than they already are. I do not wish to become more the victim than I already am. I wish to remain the father and friend they have always known. That is paramount to me.

Then just give it three more days and see what happens. Stick with your word, do what your daughters promised you would do, and see whether your wife sticks to her word, too.

Don't make this into something it is not. Your wife could have blown this up to you long ago, not by agreeing to this with your daughters, her ability to blow you up like that has been diminished quite a bit. There are witnesses to say that you all are agreeing to this.

wk55hn yes, understood. she could have blown this up anytime she wanted to.

That would have been ok with me also.

she has admitted to oldest daughter that what is on there is not good and that I will never forgive her

.

So this has been about time - about trying ways to get you to let her back in your heart. The MC in that light makes sense - the MC is her advocate - an attempt to find some path to reconciliation.

I don't think she is out to get you or has anything malicious in mind - though you need to prepare for the chance that she does.

The hardest thing when you go through this is to think clearly - I found it almost impossible. I have been impressed at your ability to explain things. It is not clear you deserve any 2x4's at this point.

devotedman

“Others seemed to be doing a good job and you just kept right on not listening to them, not taking the advice, not heeding the warnings.”

You are welcome to your opinion.

“If you really, really wanted it you've been told how to get it. Over and over again.”

And you’ve been told over and over why I am waiting.

“You don't need it, not at all. You need air, water, food, shelter.”

Are you saying that I am a cave man? You have reduced me down to my most basic needs and then tell me that I need nothing else? You do not even believe that of yourself. Physiologically, air, water, food and shelter are the physical requirements I need for survival. But is that all we want? Survival? Really? Are you a physical creature with no mind, heart, soul or spirit; just going around satisfying your most basic primal needs. You can’t be serious.

“.If you really, really wanted it you've been told how to get it. Over and over again.”

Let me say what you really mean. If I really, really wanted it I could say, “Me hungry, me thirsty, give me, give me.” Fuck the very emotional heart to heart I had with my three daughters. O yea, I can lie to them because all I need is air, water, food and shelter. Yea, WW is a proven liar, I might as well make myself out to be a liar also. If they ask me why I did not hold up on my end of the agreement, I need only say, “Food, food.”

“Because then you'll feel forced to take some action.”

I have taken action. Your indictment is that I have not taken the action you recommend or support. I have explained that. If you guys are correct, and you very well could be, my goose is cooked. There is nothing I can do to change that now.

Because then you'll feel forced to take some action and without it you can continually justify putting it off and continuing the drama that is going to kick your ass.

Do you even hear what you are saying? There is going to be drama regardless. Whether I stay or whether I go. Whether I get passwords or not. Drama. It is built in. You accuse me of ‘putting it off.’ Putting what off? Whatever I am putting off, if I did stop ‘putting it off’ there is still going to be drama. I think you know that.

Let's see, you never considered that another person might have their own agenda?

Really? Another person, perhaps. My wife, no. Do not dismiss the fact that she has sent me numerous letters, emails and texts of apology and regret. I took them at face value. Did she have some other agenda? We shall see. Is she really out to get me and destroy me. I accept the fact that this is a possibility but I am making my decisions based on who I know I am rather than who you think she is. Really!

"if this is the case". It is most certainly the case.

Possibly the case and remotely at that.

2x4 of Blindingly Obvious.

How the hell did I miss that, it was so obvious. Oh, almost forgot, that pesky heart and mind again; getting in the way of my body and its appetites. “Food, food.”

Each and every step that she's taken has been obviously "out to get you".

Obvious to whom? Yet to be seen.

You're spinning your wheels, waffling here, vacillating there.

You know not of that which you speak. Spinning wheels, waffling, vacillating? Not even one instance. I set my course on day one and have not deterred. What I have been grappling with is the range of opinions I have received here. I take them very seriously and there is absolute merit in them. I take them seriously enough to have laid in bed awake more than a few nights.

But spinning my wheels, waffling, vacillating? Not even close. Really?

How is this moving you towards your goal?

How is what moving me toward my goal? Discussing the opinions, suggestions and advice received here? That might be obvious from that which I have written. My tunnel vision is now 360 degrees.

You weren't the "intended victim", btw, she did what she did for her gratification, her own selfish desire to satisfy her wants, not as some grand gesture to victimize you.

Infidelity is not a victimless offense. If she cheats on me, then I am a victim. If she intentionally cheats on me then I am an intended victim.

I am merely stating that my opinion is different from yours. At the end of the day, we have to consider everything and make our decision based on that.