SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Walloped: I know you want to R if possible and that right now you are trying to make that tough, tough decision whether to even try. In that context, I think the talk you had with your wife was very productive with regard to moving you forward in this journey.

Whether you come back to the forum or not is always your decision. Leaving because other members don't agree with your conclusions doesn't make sense at this point. You have always indicated that you want to hear all sides - as long as the advice and/or judgements you hear are based in experience. So some posters are suggesting that you are bending things ever-so-slightly into what you want to hear & feel. Remorse vs. regret?? Tough call and only one you can really make. Sex because she wants to feel close to you or sex because she - like all women - know what a powerful manipulator it is? Using sex does not make her "evil" or even a scheming bitch. Women learn this naturally because guys will do just about anything to get laid and they've been dealing with this thing since they were girls. She could use it because she knows that sex brings out passion and orgasm is a major physical and psychological release that is likely to be followed by strong emotional bonding. She wants these things - who could blame her at this point? But they are manipulation and a major distraction.

So, some of us want to toss cold water in your face while you are bathing in the afterglow of a "heart-to-heart". We do this because we remember the manipulation our WW's put us through and want you to be real about things to avoid the pain we felt when the next TT dripped out or mind-movie ripped apart our psyche.

Some of us also read your post's and feel the hurt, anger, and humiliation that you are struggling with and don't want you to rugsweep it. Those feelings are truly like cancer in that if you don't treat them honestly they will destroy you later. The simple fact is that you do not know whether you will ever be able to live with your wife again after what she did with OM. You want to - clearly - and are trying as hard as you can but your mind is so divided on this for a reason. You psyche has been damaged. She still looks like a slut to you at times. The mind movies do more than just upset you - they run you over like a freight train. I can try to explain to you how fragile you are right now but, honestly, I think you know.

The talk you had with your wife from the third-person was a good idea and you both got out some shit. You still need to have this talk with yourself and decide if you will always see her and your marriage as tainted. From your perspective, can you ever fully accept her as your wife again. If you divorce she get's her slate whipped clean and can start over with someone new. As can you. If you know you can't reconcile than trying is masochism. You might be at this point now but have convinced yourself that your love for her and your family make it worth the effort. That I understand. I, and others, just want you to keep your eyes open.

It's been two months and it seems as though there are no more affair truths left to uncover. This is really unusual. After the polygraph are there still things you want to know that you feel she's holding back?

Excellent post @theDrifter - Walloped theDrifter makes a lot of good points. This is a long journey of miles not inches. You will be battling this in one form or another for years. The old wife, the old marriage, the old you - they are all gone for good...you need to grieve that but realize you have a new future - one for you and you alone to build.

You have heard a wide range of opinions here - digest them and use what you can. But realize when you do come out of this nightmare, and you will, you will be a different man. The Walloped pre-affair and the Walloped post-affair will be two very different men. Good luck on your journey. I wish you nothing but peace and happiness at the end of it.

Hello...

I see that things have progressed to the point that Walloped has potentially taken a break from SI or is now posing in other forums besides JFO...to give himself perhaps a chance to digest...and possibly gain some further perspective.

I just wanted to say that his original thread and this one has been extremely insightful, and has provided a wide range of opinions. All of which have proven to be helpful in one way or another and while I don't speak for Walloped, nor would I dare to ...as we all can see he is fully capable...some of those opinions were beyond the pale!

I truly hope Walloped if you do read the rest of what is in this thread, that you do get to a place where you can make an informed decision as soon as REASONABLY possible!

Wish you continued strength.

Best to you and your family.

WTTS

W

This is about changing how she thinks. The way you can tell if an R can be successful is empathy in the WS.

You want your WW to not cheat again because she loves you and never wants to hurt you again. That is empathy.

The other side is because she is afraid to be alone or afraid of losing something else. That is selfish behavior. The same selfish behavior that allowed the affair to happen and enabled it to continue.

Sounds small but it is all the difference. Too much her story is still regret. It does not mean it can't change but it needs to be changed.

Some talk about ICU. A person will always remain in ICU until they breathe on their own. The breath of a marriage is communication.

They make or break in this is the ability to communicate the difficult things. You need to address these things that I wrote before or you and your M will never get off life support.

You are so afraid to lose that you will lose.

R is not a logical action in his situation(It usually never is). W knows this but he wants to reconcile(nothing wrong with it). So the anger and taking a break is just a part of his internal conflict due to the situation. I think he will need some time..

[This message edited by kimichi at 11:31 AM, October 6th (Tuesday)]

kimichi wrote

logical

Logical? What is this 'logical' you speak of???

We speak of affairs of the heart here, and the heart wants what it wants. Hell, marriage in this day and age is barely logical.

W, hope you spend your weekend goofing off and doing nothing important. The emotional ocean will boil itself just fine.

Just checking in to say thank you to all who have posted these past few days despite my prissy "I'm taking my ball and going home" comment.

To all those who have PMed me - I will read them shortly.

No, not angry. Emotionally exhausted and just plain tired.

Eric - I've said it before. I appreciate your directness and what you are trying to do. Doesn't mean I like it all the time. But I appreciate it.

Rambler - good questions. Very good questions. I plan on getting answers to them during MC. Timing is key, and this past weekend wasn't the time.

And no, I don't see her holding back. The issue is I've put her at gloves length. So I have not been giving her an opportunity to be proactive. And she is scared frankly to do anything to upset me. So she is following my lead, which has been to not deal with this until our conversation this past weekend. So in many cases the WW will do X or Y. However I've made it clear I didn't want that from her. So she had no chance to even try. And the last time she did, I moved out for 2 weeks.

Yes, I expect her to own her affair. Yes, I expect to see it. But I have to provide the safe environment for her to do so. Or let her know I'm receptive to it. So this past weekend was a step toward that. It wasn't meant for anything else. It was to start the ball rolling for the first time. To start communicating. Not to get answers or to do hard work. But to just start talking and opening up. Most of that was on me since I was the one who wasn't willing. And I guess some of you missed the point. I was talking. Me. I hadn't before. Not really. I don't give a shit what it was that she said or didn't say. Not totally true, but partly. It wasn't about her or that. It was me talking and sharing. And asking her to do the same and her following through. Communicating. And once we open that door, I can get to the point where we can start getting answers and really finding things out. That doesn't mean all of you who posted about answers and actions aren't right. But I don't think it can it should happen at once. We are 2 months out. I'm not sure what more I should expect at this stage.

I think it's a very long road with a lot of work before I can make an R vs. D decision. And it may end up in D. That's okay. But I want to put in the work and take it slow. If that means my M is on hold for a long time, but it gives me a better chance of having one at the end, I'm okay with that. And if it means I'm chancing disappointment at the end. I'm aware and that's okay too.

Anyway, I will take Bigger's suggestion and move to another forum as it might be more pointed at this stage. When I do I'll make sure to post it here as well as a link/url.

And yes, I'm conflicted. Who wouldn't be?

Thanks for the update. I think you're, all things considered, handling this really well and that things are relatively good at this early point.

I hope you will stay on SI, that you'll just move to General or Reconciliation subforum.

Best wishes!

Thanks W.

I am direct so I will be direct here. Every "case" in JFO is different because every person behind the keyboard is different.

With you I don't give a flying crap about your marriage. I want you to be happy and healthy. I think you're a pragmatic and introspective guy for whom this may present an insurmountable challenge. Some dudes can wave it off and focus on their marriage, with you I sense an inner storm that needs to quelled. You're aknowleging it as deciding between R or D but I think that it goes deeper than that.

Your wife has caused incalculable damage to both you and the marriage. Were she married to someone else it might be a blip, but she's not married to someone else.

Maybe it is time to go to another forum because that's the infection that I see in JFO ER, and I'm going to keep on attacking it until it's left your body. Your pragmatism and introspection is a perfect host for an emotional virus to take over your body if even a remnant of it is left behind.

Nobody said that this was going to be easy. You're a good guy and it makes me very sad that something like this can happen to someone like you.

Eric...Bad things happen to good people....Yes its sad that Walloped and for that matter, any of us are HERE! You included!

I think the point Walloped is making is more than valid...whatever the outcome, he's going to try!...at least he has the opportunity...Some don't get the luxury! Sure we don't want to see him decide to R and then hurt down the road...no one WANTS that, but Walloped's eyes are open, I agree with Hobbes, don't try or ask for any more than that, at this point!

Had to add....

We are all individuals! (: (insert a little Monty Python... )

Each one of us unique, just like the all the others!

Thank god we are all different people, with different EVERYTHING...that is what makes this site so great, gives you everything from 2x4's to hugs...to platitudes! BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY the common thread that binds ALL of us here, even the WW's.... processing infidelity in the context of our individual circumstances!

Pleased to see Walloped moving on to another forum... not because he's likely to be infected by a JFO/ER emotional virus, but because he's making progress!

That's all we can hope for, for Walloped and ourselves!

Just MHO.

Hey walloped, it sounds like you're in a whole lot better place than I was at two months out. I think I was still a full-fledged lunatic with tendencies to fall into a puddle of the floor at random times.... and that's not easy to admit. You've got a lot of strength coming here man and talking about it, and your posts have hit home with a lot of other members in similar situations (570 posts on this topic since 4 Sept, AND this is a continuation of a previous post).

So... while I don't have much to add, just wanted to give you props on taking the logical road when it's sooo damn easy to go sidesways.

As I said earlier, I'm going to start posting more pointed threads as needed in the General and Reconciliation forums.

But I did not want to leave JFO without first thanking each and every one of you who have posted in this thread and the prior one. While it sucks to be where I am now, when I look back to the beginning of August and the state I was in then, the contrast is stark. I could not have done that without all your advice, help, support, 2x4's, encouragement, and caring. Just knowing my family and I were in your thoughts and prayers, that anonymous folks cared, that they took time out of their day to help a stranger...was both very overwhelming and extremely powerful. Without exaggeration, it saved my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart.

Good luck in your journey Walloped. Stay strong and do everything you can to maintain your peace of mind

Walloped, thinking about you. Our prayers to you & your wife this weekend for continued healing, clarity & strength for your journey forward.

Walloped, you need to tell your wife you have something serious to ask her. Gently grab her by the shoulders, look into her eyes and hers into yours, and ask her if you should get a case of the Sam Adams Pumpkin Ale or the Dogfish.

I vote Dogfish, although the Blue Moon is good too.

Walloped, hope everything is going well in therapy for both you and your wife. Wishing you nothing but the best. Prayers from the bayou this weekend for your entire family.

Walloped

I was just thinking of you and your family.

I'm sure your laying low, working on your marriage and being there for your family.

Have a great Thanksgiving.

You deserve it.

HM

BUMP...

Walloped I am really sorry for you. I have read your posts as well as those of Mrs Walloped. Surely you have got to know the following:

She is in survival mode and will say and do anything to protect her marriage.

She embarked on the affair not because she needed the OM's praise but because she wanted hot illicit sex from the OM. And during the affair she played the part of the entitled hot wife.

Now she is playing the role of the "truly remorseful WW who really, really loves her husband" and she is playing this role so very very well.

The truth is she had oral, anal and God knows what other sex with this guy and enjoyed every minute of it. And it would have gone on and on if she had not been caught. That is the sad truth.

And I really, really believe that the best thing she could do for you now is grant you an easy amicable divorce. Except she won't - she has said on her thread that she would expect decent and fair compensation (and these are her words not mine) for the effort she put into taking care of you, the kids and the house and of course, she knows you would be fair. So if you do get divorced she is not going to make it easy.

If she really loves you, then ask her for an amicable divorce and then maybe, just maybe start to date again. This is the ONLY way you will be able to heal from this. Do not fall for the current acting.

^ What made you think it was a good idea to dig up an old thread and make a comment like that?