Emotionally exhausting day yesterday. Had a very long discussion with my wife but it was really good - or as "good" as these things can go. I opened up to her and it allowed her an opportunity to hear how I was feeling and to respond without the typical breakdowns.
I've told a few people this idea, which you've supported and which was proposed by another SI member. Not to replace MC, but as a way to open up communication between me and my wife regarding what I've going through and how she can help me heal moving forward. It resonated with me, especially since the key roadblock I had was not being able to let her know how I was feeling. Every time we talked it was more of a "I'm hurt. You caused it." "I'm so sorry." Kind of a thing. Anyway, here's the idea, which I followed through on yesterday. And thank you to the one suggested it. I really appreciate it.
Let's assign a name to my wife for ease of use - we'll call her Susan for this example (obviously not her real name)
The suggestion was that I tell my story, but not to my wife. Instead I tell it to my oldest and closest friend who has known me since we were teenagers. To Susan.
I should tell her that I need to talk to my old friend, Susan. Not my wife. Just to Susan. And that I should ask Susan if she will listen to a story about two people. And after she listens if she as Susan will tell me what she thinks about the story.
Then I begin at the beginning. But tell it as a story, about two people. That I know these people, these two people. A man and a woman. When they met the man was a boy, and the woman was a girl. The boy was this, that, and the other thing. And to him the girl was this and that. And they fell in love. I should tell how the boy became a man, and a husband and a father. How he worked, what he thought about and felt about his life and about the girl who became a woman and his life partner.
And that one day, this guy's brother came to him and said I have something terrible to tell you, and then tell Susan what the brother told the man about the woman.
And I keep telling the story. Tell what the man felt, is feeling. Tell what thoughts he has, the ones that intrude. Tell Susan what the man is afraid of. Tell her what he thinks he wants, and why he doesn't know how to get there.
Then ask her what she thinks. About the man, and what he is feeling. And ask her what she thinks the woman is feeling? What does she think the woman is afraid of? What does she think the woman is thinking and feeling?
The idea is to let Susan offer words of comfort for the man in the story, words of compassion, regret and remorse for his hurt. To let her also offer words of compassion for the woman and how vulnerable and terrified she is.
The key is to not talk to "my wife" as I don't really know who she is now. The point is to talk to my closest friend to help me understand the story about these two people and where they are and how they got there and what they should do.
I liked the idea because it's not about laying guilt or blame or recrimination at her feet. It’s engaging her to be part of the healing process. For both of us and possibly see a way forward. Again, not to replace MC. But as a way to open lines of communication, which had been pretty closed.
And so I followed through on this. And recorded it because it was important to me to be able to listen to it again. I knew it would tough and emotional and therefore honest and I wanted to retain that. Anyway, it took a long time. It was so helpful. I sort of disassociated myself from the whole and was able to really share my thoughts and feelings about this guy Walloped. Of course she cried the whole time, but she never stopped watching me as I was telling this story. She didn't interrupt. She just listened and cried.
I told her so much. How shocked I was when my brother told me. How lost I was. I did not tell her about SI as I'm keeping this place for me still. But I told her about the mind movies. The need to know more and all details. The lost trust. The not sleeping or eating. The attacks. The anxiety. How I lost my best friend and how that best friend did the absolute worst thing anyone can do to another person. How emasculated I feel. How much pain I'm in. How scared I am. How I'm frightened for our family. The anger. How part of me wants to just kick her out, while other parts wants to pulverize her, yet other parts keep telling me I love her. How I still can't comprehend this whole thing. How alone I feel. How abandoned. How I feel like such a failure in life. How I battle between knowing things intellectually and letting that knowledge penetrate. And how I know what I want but I have no idea if I can or we can or how long it will take or if she even wants to and what this all means for us. And is there even still an us? How I feel compassion for what my wife must be going through now and yet a big part of me is disgusted with myself for felling that way. How conflicted I am. And I kept going until I couldn't. I hardly looked at her the whole time. I stared straight ahead. Don't think I could've done it otherwise.
And when it was her turn to talk. And talk she did. How horrible she feels for the man in the story. How sad she is for him. How kind and compassionate and loving he is and only such a person would be so conflicted because others would just walk away. How terrible the woman feels. How scared she is. Scared that there are parts to her that let her do this to the person she lives most in the world beyond her babies, and scared about her life and future. And what's worse is knowing it was all this woman's own doing. How this woman must feel she can't ever forgive herself and doesn't see how anyone can forgive her either. How ashamed she is. How all she wants to do is make it better somehow but she knows she can't. And it kills her. How she has to live with the fact that her husband will never look at her again the way he used to. How she is working so hard and is trying to understand why so that she can ensure this will never happen again so she can offer some small comfort to her husband just in case he chose to remain married to her. How she abused his trust and love. How terrified she is and how she just wants to feel safe and secure and wrapped in his arms and told he still loves her but tries to push those feelings away because she thinks their selfish and how dare she? How nothing she shared with POS even came close to the depth of feelings of love and warmth and passion that she had with her husband and she was the biggest fool and child in the world. How it sickens her when she thinks of what she did with POS and how she must imagine it sickens me and so how she must sicken me and how can she continue on knowing she sickens her husband? How she wants to make love to me so badly to show me how special what we have is and to show me how much she loves me and wants to be with me, but how hypocritical she thinks that is, because she obviously didn't value it if she gave it away to someone else for some cheap thrills to feel good about herself. How she's lost. She knows who she wants to be but doesn't know how to get there. How she always thought she was a good person but how can she be? And I deserve to be married to a good person. Not someone who can cause so much pain and hurt and not just to her husband but to her babies. What kind of mother hurts their own babies? What kind of evil person must she be? And no good, decent father would ever tolerate anyone hurting his kids, so how can he even stand to be in the same room as her? How she wishes she could turn back the clock, but she can't. How she just wants to hold me and hug me and shower me with soft kisses and tell me it'll be okay and make the hurt go away. To help me and protect me, but how can she? How can she do that when she's the one who inflicted the pain?
And on and on. It was basically the whole day. We hadn't talked like or opened up like that in 2 months. It was draining but it also felt good. As we look toward starting MC in a couple of weeks, it was good to share this. When we were done and were both a sniveling mess, we agreed to try and be open and honest about our feelings with each other and about each other as much as possible - even if it's uncomfortable.
I guess I'll call this progress. Hope everyone had a good day.
-W
