SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks. I'm going to do just that. I have worn out my welcome around here.

You have just as many people who support you in the path you are taking as those who would like to influence it. And ultimately, it's your path to take - everyone should respect that.

I'm very disappointed with some of the comments here. Sure, give advice, but don't badger the poor guy if he chooses not to follow your advice - given the fact that he knows his situation better than anyone here.

He's already acknowledged he's heard your advice and is willing to live with the consequences if he's wrong. It's time to respect his decisions and support him.

Have you forgotten what it's like to be in JFO hell? Or are you just so preoccupied with your own "what I would have done differently" that you feel the need to force your opinions on him?

I came to SI years ago after visiting another site where they treated me like an idiot when I wouldn't follow their advice. I always found SI more supportive and not as judgmental. Until this thread.

I have worn out my welcome around here

NO YOU HAVE NOT...

People care, or else they wouldn't take time to post and see how you are progressing.

Sorry if we come off as assholes, truth is alot of us were or still are where you are at.

Either way please take care of your self and your well being. If you no longer wish to post I understand....but you are always welcome here.

DG

Please stay with us. Do not bow our as you need the support.

I have advocated respecting your game plan and I fully understand it

I support your actions and hope things go as well as can be expected in the circumstances.

Take care of yourself and do not disappear.

[This message edited by sandylee at 2:07 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

TearsofLove:

I wanted to clarify that the reason I fear a setup

You see a set up. I see a remorseful woman doing everything she can to convince her BH to give up his desire to know the truth in the hopes that he will forgive and forget.

She enlisted the help of their daughters to convince him to give up his crusade for the PC/phone data and forgive her. Or at least, get him to agree to the 3 MC sessions with the same goal.

In your scenario, they are just pawns in her plan to ruin him. Imagine her daughters' reaction when they found out it was all a ruse to set up their father. You seriously think she is willing to lose them too?

Don't forget - WW confessed to one daughter that if DG sees the emails, WW is sure he will D her. Obviously, she has something to hide.

The 3 MC sessions is clearly a delaying tactic. It's just as likely all the talk of his anger and overreaction are a pathetic attempt to get DG to give up his desire to see the emails, or at least keep him from losing his temper when he does.

Unfortunately for WW, the MC has been a miserable failure. MC did nothing to gain DG's trust - quite the contrary. Not that I believe he would have (or should have) given up on wanting access to the devices.

I see your point, Surviving and perhaps set up is a bit strong to describe what I'm thinking. My point is that her messages do not mesh with what she's told the therapist. The sessions have been one-sided with the goal to reign his behavior. This smacks of selfishness. She may be regretful, she may want to keep her marriage but a remorseful spouse, aware that her actions precipitated everything, would not be letting the therapist brow beat him in therapy while down playing her actions. The therapy sessions do not indicate remorse. Her actions do not indicate remorse. Her actions are geared toward getting her desired outcome without regard for his desires or pain. Remorseful people don't manipulate their own children because they understand that their selfishness got them into this mess and they realize they have to stop the selfishness and manipulations to get out of it. They also understand that getting out of it may not mean that they come out with what they want. They accept this as a consequence of their actions.

His wife may love him. She may sound remorseful in emails and messages, but her actions are far from remorseful. They are still very selfish and very wayward in thinking. She wants what she wants at all costs even if it means her husband and daughters end up more traumatized in the end. But, hey, she got to keep her marriage and that's important, right?

I think the only thing more insulting than my husband cheating was him deciding for me what I could and couldn't "handle". Painting me as a timebomb to a therapist and then using that to manipulate the sessions would be a final straw for me. The day some stranger I barely know sat there magnifying my temperament as dangerous while minimizing my husband's behavior as "friendship" and my husband didn't come to my defense, would be my last day of therapy. The messages in between sessions just adds to the insult.

I'm not saying this marriage can't be saved. I just don't think it can be with that therapist or until his wife's actions match her words. And that's a best case scenario. Worst case scenario: her messages in between don't add up because she's plotting.

Either way, this is a pile of shit as it currently stands and DG is the one being expected to clean it all up even though he doesn't have a dog.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:09 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

Donegone.

Over years, my WW denied, denied, denied.....even when I had hard proof. Never gave up PW. I got to the point where looking was killing me, so I finally stopped and implemented 180 for me and my young children. Just recently, she was pleading with me to go back to master bedroom and stop ignoring her and when I refused she began pushing/shoving; I had to restrain her from punching, slapping, scratching. The following day, I found 30+ pics of her in acts with another man that completely depleted me, but I did not immediately tell her. When she started again the following night insisting that I not ignore her, I made the slightest hint that I knew more. She immediately left the home and pressed false abuse charges that night; spent night in jail and now away from my children.

Don't let your anger control you and don't be a fool, like me, thinking that they you can make her come around. Why torture you if she has nothing to hide; just plain evil. At end of mc sessions, you will get access to emails that have been stripped of any evidence and just be left with "i told you so." Don't do anything on her terms --- she is the one who lied and cheated! Continue your 180 and take the advise of others here: cease mc sessions and serve her with D papers (you can always retract or remarry).

Tears ...

Her actions are geared toward getting her desired outcome without regard for his desires or pain.

I couldn't agree more.

She wants recovery, but wants it on her terms. She wants to control the amount of information known so that R is easier for her. She thinks sweeping it away will minimize the damage. She has no idea what "never knowing the whole truth" does to a BS; the psychological torture that never ends.

It's very clever if you think about it. With the right MC and a BS who's willing to buy it. I have no doubt there are waywards who have convinced a BS similarly that knowing the whole truth is worse.

Guys,

She is just scared.

This thread has been confusing to me, a lot of alarm that seems to be possibly unwarranted.

Many MCs are trained only to band-aid the relationship. That would include WW perceptions of 'anger'. And not trained in infidelity.

The MC I went to with my wife spent many sessions dealing with my anger over the affair so my wife would feel safe. I still find it annoying that at some sessions my anger was more of a topic than what made me angry.

I got through it. If I go back to MC it will be with someone else.

Your MC may not be a part of some nefarious plot, just treating the marriage in a way that he was trained.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:38 PM, May 11th (Monday)]

Rafi

You have just put it perfectly, and in far fewer words than it has taken me to say the same thing.

DG,

I truly hope that you are still lurking and reading. I'm sorry that some posters have been rude to you. Please consider PMing those members whose posts you have found helpful and supportive. Now is not the time to give up your support network.

I, for one, do not think your WW is setting you up. I think she is desperate to hold on to the marriage and is doing everything she can think of to hold off D. Could I be wrong? Of Course I could be, for this reason you should prepare yourself for that contingency by staying in control during the last MC session, and not bringing the tablet or phone with you to the session. I understand why you wish to see this through, you gave your daughters your word and you are a man of integrity. It's a shame that the MC your wife chose is awful and clearly not trained to handle infidelity. It is also a major conflict of interest considering she is your WWs IC.

Don't stay dark for too long, we're here to support you when you're ready.

I agree Tears

I'm not saying this marriage can't be saved. I just don't think it can be with that therapist or until his wife's actions match her words.

DG has repeatedly said he is getting a divorce.

He has also stated that if he wanted to save the marriage right now, he'd get a different MC.

He doesn't especially want a good MC, because he's done.

DG has repeatedly said he is getting a divorce.

In the ten years I've been on this site, a lot of people say repeatedly that they are getting a divorce and don't do it. Most people who are definitely divorcing don't make as much effort as he is to go to marriage counseling even when it's sucking the life out of him. Again, actions mean more than words and, just like his wife, his actions and his words don't match.

I tend to give my advice based on action, not words. Just like remorseful waywards give up passwords and don't manipulate their children and therapists, people who actually want a divorce file for divorce. They don't ask for passwords, have family meetings, and see a marriage counselor. They don't defend their waywards as remorseful. They file for divorce.

I don't blame him one bit for not being able to take our advice or for riding the fence on what he truly wants. This isn't a video game, it's his marriage. Whatever decision he makes will change his life forever, so he definitely has to do what's right for him. However, he's getting the benefit of a lot of experience here so it definitely behooves him to weigh all sides. He's always welcome to take what works and discard the rest as far as the advice goes. As is everyone else on this forum. But my point of view is that neither he nor his wife have actions that match their words and as long as one or both of them have contradictory actions, there is no resolution in any direction.

Most people who are definitely divorcing don't make as much effort as he is to go to marriage counseling even when it's sucking the life out of him.

He's going to those three sessions because his WW told him if he did she would give up the passwords.

He's going to those three sessions because his WW told him if he did she would give up the passwords

.

^^^^^^^

DG

Best of luck tomorrow. Keep your head.

My thoughts are with you.

ears, I agree mpletely. ry well put

Best of luck today DG.

DG, you still with us? Please, continue talking to us, we want to help and support you!