SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WW is mostly interested in herself and OM.

Never forget it. Judge her by her actions. Not her words.

And while I'm sure you are tired taking care of those boys never forget how much they love you, need you or you need them.

A good woman is in your future for sure.

Just be picky. You deserve far better than the last one my friend.

HM

Hi HnA,

Congrats on the custody "win".

I know what you're saying about trying to reason with her and all (even though it didn't work). I tried the same with mine, but should have just let the Liars... er lawyers do it because it never amounted to much.

You'll be fine.

And soon enough, you really will want her to be fine too... because that's best for your kids.

Keep yer chin up!

So after having to watch my youngest almost in tears last night at bedtime because he missed mom, I promised him I would make sure she calls today. Sent a TM to WW asking her to call because her 8-year-old misses her. She did and they talked for about 5 minutes, but then she texts me again that he said no, he didn't miss her and wanted to know why I told her that. I told her because he said "I miss mom" and was tearing up. He's trying to act like a big guy and pretend it doesn't hurt but I know better. It's almost like she thought I was laying a guilt trip on her when all I wanted was to cheer up my boy.

Anyway, mission accomplished and he's in a better mood now. The kids won't see mom again until this Wednesday, and again on Friday, when they are supposed to spend the night. It's been a long stretch with little interaction on her part. I know she was sick last week, but you would think she could take a few minutes to pick up the phone and call every couple of days. I hate having to push her to do it, but I guess if that's what it takes to keep her involved and keep the kids from hurting, that's what I'll do. Hoping that she'll come around her own, but not holding my breath.

I know that OM switched from 2nd to 1st shift this week, so I'm not real happy about that. It means that any time the kids go visit, now they have to put up with him. And I suspect WW's social life will really pick up again now that they can go out and do things together at night. It makes me angry just thinking about it, but doing my best to let go and not care. If anything, after the first few weeks, I suspect it will probably increase the tension between them as they spend more time together. There was already plenty of trouble when they barely saw each other, so maybe this will hasten the end of that toxic relationship. Not because I want her back, but because she's being a shitty mom and I don't think OM is helping because she focuses all her energy on him.

On the other hand, maybe I should hope she stays with the current loser instead of rushing out and finding a new one to start the cycle all over. Ugh. Full detachment can't come quick enough.

Stay strong. Time is on your side. Your kids and you will continue to grow stronger, emotionally healthier,..., and happier with each other. She, on the other hand...

Best wishes!

I promised him I would make sure she calls today.

I would stay away from making promises that hinge on her doing anything.

She hasn't exactly been exemplary in recent history.

I would stay away from making promises that hinge on her doing anything.

She hasn't exactly been exemplary in recent history.

That's very true, and probably good advice for the future. I did get her to call and talk with my youngest for about 5 minutes yesterday at least. And today, she actually picked up my 10-year-old from school because he got sick. I could have done it but would have cost me a couple hours of pay, and she's just sitting around the house anyway, so figured I would ask.

She got him, and as she was driving by my house noticed my 18-year-old was home so dropped the 10-year-old there. Plan was for her to bring him back to her place for couple hours, but I guess he complained he would be bored there. So she just dropped him off, stayed maybe 10 min, and left. Figured at the least she might want to hang out for an hour or two and spend time with the other kids. Nope, not interested. Had to get home to OM. It really drives me crazy, but I just need to let it go.

WW is digging her own hole with her relationships with all those boys. I can already seek the resentment and emotional disconnect. I don't see her having a healthy relationship with any of them in a few years, but nothing I can do about it. Just make sure they have one stable parent who puts them as top priority.

Had my first shift volunteer bartending tonight between 6-10pm. Was a great time, and got to know a lot of the regulars who come in often. Even got hit on quite aggressively by a woman around my age. I'm not interested in anything like that right now, but it sure was a huge ego boost. What's funny is that she was a little distant at first but as we talked and she found out I was going through a divorce after 18 years of marriage, plus had custody of all my kids, she became a lot more interested.

That has happened to me a couple of times now. It's like being a single dad with primary custody is some sort of aphrodisiac to women in this age group. So I come home in a really good mood, and starting to believe it may not be so bad being single for a while. It certainly doesn't seem like I'm going to have a lot of trouble dating when I am ready. I highly suggest any men going through this nightmare and are a few months out from DDay, at least go out and try to flirt with women. You don't have to pursuit it but practice up your skills, and see if you can pull a phone number. It really does do wonders for self esteem and can help pull you out of your funk for a while.

What's funny is that she was a little distant at first but as we talked and she found out I was going through a divorce after 18 years of marriage, plus had custody of all my kids, she became a lot more interested.

Yup. BTDT. It's what I try to tell soon to be single dad's that are worried about the dating scene. The problem WON'T be getting dates, just filtering out the oddballs from the normal ones. Single dad's with kids represent stability and the kids are the proof. It's why your single buddies want to take your kids out to the park for ice cream and some Frisbee throwing...to attract those single ladies.

I'm going to have a lot of trouble dating when I am ready. I highly suggest any men going through this nightmare and are a few months out from DDay, at least go out and try to flirt with women. You don't have to pursuit it but practice up your skills, and see if you can pull a phone number. It really does do wonders for self esteem and can help pull you out of your funk for a while.

EXACTLY! Flirt and socialize, flirt and socialize. Get back to the grooming basics. Look into updating the wardrobe a little. Enjoy being single and approachable. I told women that I was in the process of divorce so I wasn't ready for anything romantic but I did enjoy their company. They usually hung around to talk and participate in whatever activity I was involved in, be it dancing, bowling, top golfing, etc. Important thing is to get out there and recapture your individuality and the feeling and confidence to take risks with putting yourself out there.

Hey HnA,

You're doing just fantastic. So glad you prevailed in the custody decision. It's pretty clear that you are the rock for the children.

Keep working on that detachment. It just takes time. There's no simple answer there. Just be careful about flirting/dating. Speaking from experience, it's very easy to fall into an unhealthy relationship to try to fill the hole and forget your ex-wife. Take your time. Feel free to visit New Beginnings here to get some advice.

Cheers!

So after a great Tuesday night, it's been a couple of nights of not so great. Kids went to see mom last night and since OM is now on 1st shift, they had to deal with him the entire time. My oldest doesn't like him at all, and the younger ones don't really know much about him, but more or less tolerate him for now. I really hate that they have to see him, but not sure what choice I have. I do my best to just not talk about him and let them draw their own conclusions. Of course WW wants them all to be best buddies, and it drives me nuts. It's all I can do to not slam him constantly in front of the boys, but I would rather let them come to their own conclusions. They'll come to hate him all on their own soon enough. What boy is going to pal up with the guy who broke up his family?

Then today WW sends a TM asking to reschedule an appt with the school regarding our 10-year-old next week as she has "other things" going on. This is the middle of the afternoon, when OM should be working, so no idea what those things are, and I didn't ask her to clarify but now it's bugging me. Why do I even care? I don't want to but just one of those setbacks, so been dealing with that today. I hop around between missing WW and despising her for what she's done. Really looking forward to the day I don't give a shit.

Really looking forward to the day I don't give a shit.

Every day is one step closer to that goal.

Why do I even care?

You might care because you still have feelings for her, sure. But you also might care because it's likely there's a new OM and this shows even greater instability for the kids you love. A risk.

But, it sounds like your case is going good for your, you're taking care of your kids right, and you are soon going to realize just how much better your life is without her crazy.

Strength, brother!

You might care because you still have feelings for her, sure. But you also might care because it's likely there's a new OM and this shows even greater instability for the kids you love. A risk.

But, it sounds like your case is going good for your, you're taking care of your kids right, and you are soon going to realize just how much better your life is without her crazy.

Yes, I still have feelings for WW. I wish I didn't but I can't deny it. I hadn't even thought about the idea of another OM, but I really don't think that's the case right now. It's too soon and she's still totally infatuated with the current guy. I have no doubt that somewhere down the road current OM will become the new me and she'll be playing him for a fool too. By then, I hope to be totally disconnected from her and her crazy.

Good news is I did sleep pretty well, but woke up early and just lay in bed being pissed off. I keep replaying all the shit she's done, all the different OM involved over the past few years, and get worked up. I guess it's better than feeling lonely or sorry for myself. Off to work to wrap up the week. Really glad it's Friday.

I had to find a kind of reasoning in my mind to find some peace about my kids spending time with OM (who is already history, BTW).

I had to bend my mind to accept that it is a good thing if my kids like the OM. It means he is good to them, and I don't think any kid ever suffered from feeling loved by more people. I paid special attention when they talked about him, but it was a relief to know he was good to them, quite frankly.

It was a chore though. Your kids know that he is not their Daddy. He never will be. They know it. XWW knows it, and OM knows it too.

If they don't like him; I would listen to them attentively. Listen carefully for the details. You'll know the alarm points if/when you hear them. Then you take it up with XWW.

So all the kids over with WW again last night. All back home after 2.5 hours again, except for my youngest, who stayed the night. The good news is I heard from my oldest that even though OM was there, he apparently disappeared for most of the time they were around. Haven't heard anything today about my 8-year-old so hope he's having a good time. He wasn't really excited about staying but the custody specifies every other weekend and this is the 1st time. He will be back home today, since WW didn't want to push him too hard just yet, so I'm happy about that.

Woke up with the usual range of anger mixed with regret, and for some reason been thinking a lot about the past lately. Things we used to do as a family, big trips, holidays, but all from years ago, before W became WW. Not sure why the memories are suddenly creeping in but it certainly is a challenge. I get a wave of happiness, immediately followed by sadness and longing. Going to assume that's all part of the grief process and since it's new, I'm hoping it means progress.

I hung out with some friends at a local bar last night and enjoyed myself while the kids were with mom. Tonight I'm attending a charity fund raiser with all you can eat/drink, then poker with the guys after. We do it twice/year and it's always a good time. Tomorrow I'm taking all the boys to a local apple cider orchard that has a petting zoo, mini train ride, duck racing, and lots of other fun family stuff. They're all excited about it and weather looks great, so weekend shaping up nicely.

Haven't spoken to or seen WW in 10 days. Strictly text and only about the kids, usually brief updates. I suppose that's an accomplishment, since I couldn't have imagined going more than a day or two w/o seeing her a few months ago. The drama has settled down, at least for now, and seems like there isn't much left to do other than deal with splitting up a few remaining assets and finalizing numbers for spousal support. If I'm lucky, the next few months will roll by w/o too many issues and by early March, I'll be officially released from WW and her craziness. I'm sure it will be a difficult day, but I'm looking forward to the sense of relief to finally have it all behind me and really start to move forward with rest of my life.

Well, wonderful news. WW just dropped off my youngest and was nice enough to tell me her and OM were on there way to meet her entire family today. I have to say - it hurts. They've been on my side since all of this started, and I assumed they would at least wait until D was final before they agreed to meet him. I know she has been pushing it for months and they had refused until now. Not sure what changed but I feel a little betrayed by them. I realize they are family and figured that they would eventually have to meet OM if he stayed in the picture long enough, but I thought maybe another 6-7 months. Not sure I want to try and stay close to them if they are going to legitimize the relationship.

Just because they are meeting him it doesnt mean he will be welcomed , you wouldnt want to believe your wife .Only stay close with her family if you actually like them .

I do like her family, and my guess is they're not taking sides, but want to try and be closer with WW again, as well as stay close with me. I don't think he will ever be welcomed to the family the same way as me, but will probably be politely tolerated. The thing is, if you didn't know about him breaking up a marriage and family, you would think he was a nice guy. I would probably get along with him just fine in any other circumstance. So guess I'll wait to hear from one of my sister-in-laws about what they thought.

Oh, also heard OM is dropping out of the biker club. WW seems to not really care if he's in it or not, or so she says. No idea what that means for them, but I'm sort of happy because I didn't like my kids being around it. I don't think OM can stay away long, as he's been in and out his entire life, but whatever. I need to just disconnect from that whole scenario, as I'm sure more drama is coming soon.

Gently Sir, you're divorcing. She's a grown woman, she can bring around 20 other guys to meet the folks, this is why you need to disconnect from her and what she's doing because each new step she takes with OM is obviously going to sting.

Easier said than done of course but look at what you're writing about, OM did this, WW thinks this or might think this of OM. What might happen with them in the future, it will drive you crazy.

You've done well to keep communications down to texts about the kids, that's an excellent start. Next step, stop getting info about your wife and OM from the kids. All you need to know is his general demeanour around them and if he's treating them well, that's it

So guess I'll wait to hear from one of my sister-in-laws about what they thought

Again, why? Why does it matter? Are you going to get updates on what they think of them throughout their relationship? And what if they actually like him, is it going to hurt you? You see why you need to disconnect this hose? You're almost like a third cog in this, on the outside looking in. Yes it's your STBXW but disconnect, it only slows the healing and keeps you dwelling on them instead of healing you.

Easier said than done of course but look at what you're writing about, OM did this, WW thinks this or might think this of OM. What might happen with them in the future, it will drive you crazy.

Well, of course I'm writing about WW and OM. This is a forum about SURVIVING INFIDELITY. When I reach a point I'm not writing about those things, then I'll be ready to move on, and likely quit posting to this thread. To me, this felt like a fresh betrayal from WW's family. They stuck by me all this time, then I find out they've agreed to meet OM, and in a way that makes the relationship legit. Yes, I figured it was bound to happen sooner or later, but out of respect, I believe they should have waited until D was final. And BTW, I didn't grill the kids to get that info, WW just blurted it out when she was here dropping them off. I wish I wouldn't have heard it.

Now, a general comment. I've always encouraged and appreciated all feedback in my thread, but the next time someone feels obligated to give me the generic "you need to detach" advice, please restrain yourself. I KNOW I NEED TO DETACH. I come here to vent, because it helps me to process events and write things down. Sometimes I'm not looking for advice, but just need to hear a "Sorry Hurtn, that sucks. Hang in there." Or maybe a "WW really is crazy, sorry you're going through this."

Obviously it's not healthy to hang onto those feelings forever, but I'm always amazed at people who seem to think you can flip a switch and just turn it off. Everyone is on their own timeline and some do it quicker than others. I'm 7 months out from the bomb drop. Yes, I'm still hurting but definitely nowhere near as bad as a few short months ago. In another 7 months, I sincerely hope that thoughts of this are not part of my daily routine. So thanks to everyone who has taken their time to read and contribute - it really has been a blessing to me. But sometimes, try to remember that I'm just venting. If I do something really stupid, then sure, send a 2x4 my way. Otherwise, just knowing that others are listening is all I need.