SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

where I will have to spend 2 hours trying to convince a judge what an unfit parent the woman I loved for 24 years has become.

Wrong mindset. You will be trying to convince the judge that it is in the best interest of your children that you be awarded the placement plan that you are proposing.

Spoke to my sister-in-law (one of WW's sisters) tonight for 30 minutes. Found out even more lies that WW has been telling, this time to her own sister and some other supposedly good friends. As people talk and exchange stories, the truth eventually comes out. So now even more friends are backing away from her. Her own sister, who initially urged me to hang on and try to make amends, is now encouraging me to let go, move on, and get custody of the kids.

I don't know what's going on, but there is more here than infidelity. WW has become selfish in the extreme, and adopted a stance of lying whenever and to whomever she pleases to get what she wants. I certainly won't be setting up any more meetings with her, or trying to reason. I can't trust a word she says. It was quite a wakeup call speaking to her sister tonight, who is one of the nicest, most caring, and generous people I know. WW is losing friends and family all around her. She's surrounded herself with a new social circle composed almost entirely of OM's friends. I am seriously starting to suspect a possible substance abuse issue, which my own sister has maintained for months now, and that is what she does - substance abuse counseling for women.

I guess it doesn't matter what the reasons are, but I know I can't trust WW at all, and need to try and separate her out of my life as much as possible. The woman I married and knew before has been replaced by a monster. I hope that some how, some day, she can start to at least partially resemble who she was, but I don't see it happening for a very long time. Thanks everyone for the support. I'll keep updating as the custody dispute unfolds.

H&A, if she has a substance abuse problem, you better make sure she stays away from your kids. This would give you a chance at sole custody of your children.

A thirty-page discussion. Yikes! But I'm going to find time to read it all the way through. What bits and pieces I've read so far are all at once horrifying and yet all-too-familiar-sounding:

Personality changes, filthy lies, destructive behavior. For crying out loud, what the hell is going on out there?

HurtnAlone, keep up the fight. I'll be watching. I may even want to pick your brain sometime.

You sound like a genuinely good guy, trying to do the right things.

I'm with streetmedic, what is going on out there!!??

Here, in our courts,( family, civil, or criminal,) if substance abuse is suspected, the judge can order the subject or both parties to take an immediate drug test. In a custody case it can be used to determine parental agreements and financial arrangements. Usually a failed test means no custody until a court ordered rehab and 6 month halfway house has been satisfied. Follow up care is also set.

Made it through the custody hearing today. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. The lady interviewing us was very good at her job and established all the history early on. I don't think WW realized what she was getting into until it was way too late.

So net result is I get the 2 middle aged boys 100%. WW gets visitation 2 nights/week and a Saturday afternoon every other week. My youngest spends every other weekend with mom. Rest of the time he's with me. Considering that she wanted 50% on all 3 kids, this is a huge win for me. I came prepared with logs going back 6 months but didn't even need them. WW surprisingly admitted to the truth for the most part, and it was enough to establish me as being the primary custodial parent for the past 6 months for sure, and possibly going back 3-4 years, while WW was out partying. She actually ends up owing me child support. I'm stuck with spousal support but I couldn't have really hoped for a better outcome.

WW was extremely upset and we barely made eye contact on the way out. She started spewing at me on the street how I had lied, and had turned the kids against her. Standard wayward BS. I just headed to my car and left without saying a word. Get home and a couple of hours later she starts the texting. So that went on and off for a couple of hours. Turns out she now wants to change a couple of the nights she just agreed to. And we talked about things like setting boundaries on time the kids spend with OM, etc. I guess it was productive, but now feeling shitty, even though I should be thrilled. More roller coaster I guess. Hopefully now that the custody is behind me, things can start to settle down.

Nothing left but to wait out the 6 months and finalize splitting assets. Still wonder how the hell I ended up here sometimes. But doesn't do any good to focus on it. Time to move on to bigger and better.

Congratulations on getting a great outcome for you and your kids. Big sigh of relief!

I completely understand the complex feelings of loss that naturally accompany this milestone. Be kind to yourself. Your feelings are normal and expected. These moments bring all the stark realizations and hurt back to the surface. You will be fine. Heck, you will be so much better than fine.

Very happy for you. Stay strong. You're doing great!

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 10:17 PM, September 29th (Tuesday)]

That is a great outcome for the kids and you. I am very happy that they saw the truth of the matter.

Congrats, brother. Great outcome.

Sometimes the courts get it right!

Thanks everyone for the support. WW is still determined to work towards 50% custody, and I would even support the idea if I felt she was in a mental position to put the kids first. We will be working with a family therapist to help transition the kids in this new life, and follow guidance on when it may be appropriate to have them spend more time with mom.

For now, I think this arrangement is for the best for everyone, and from what I understand, it is quite difficult to get a custody order modified w/o a significant change in circumstance, and the proof will be on WW to show it. So I'm feeling confident that there won't be any changes for at least several months. All that being said, feel like I'm truly grieving today. There's no more pretending that this isn't real. But it's not the same as before. I don't want WW back; just feels more like someone close to me died and I'm sad and miss them. I long for the days of feeling normal.

HurtnAlone, hang in there. You've done super. Great outcome for you & the kids.

Congrats on getting your kids!

Congratulations, that's great. And it's really good that you'll be working with a therapist with the kids!

Please, only meet with her in public, with witnesses or with a VAR/GoPro thingy. She might get desperate and try to accuse you domestic violence, rape,..., anything to get you thrown in the jail or force a change of custody.

Best wishes!

Congratulations, that's great. And it's really good that you'll be working with a therapist with the kids!

Please, only meet with her in public, with witnesses or with a VAR/GoPro thingy. She might get desperate and try to accuse you domestic violence, rape,..., anything to get you thrown in the jail or force a change of custody.

Best wishes!

So WW ended up catching a nasty flu bug the day after our custody hearing and has had to miss both Wed and Fri with the kids. I spoke to her on the phone and could tell she sounded miserable. I like to think of it as a nice big karma bus, but however you look at it, not a fun week for her. She got her ass handed to her in the hearing, then days on end of feeling like warmed-over shit. Not a fun time.

I, on the other hand, went out to a bar last night with a new single guy friend, and had a great time. He's recently widowed for a few months, and still hurting, but overall just a fun guy to be around. We spent some time talking about each of our situations, but also took some time to have fun. Even got hit on by a couple of women. I'm not looking for a relationship, but it's a huge confidence booster to realize that women still find you attractive.

So I told him we have to make that a regular thing. I'm starting to really believe that I'm going to be just fine, and shouldn't have any trouble dating when I'm ready. In fact, I'm even looking forward to it. Been a long time since I got to experience the thrill of getting to know a new woman. And I don't think I spent more than a few minutes the entire night thinking about WW. I was focused on the moment and really enjoying just being out. Finally, I'm starting to see a little light at the end of this long dark tunnel.

Great to hear about your fun nigh out. I agree, make it a regular thing.

So I've had an OK weekend. Haven't really gotten out much, other than volunteering with my church this morning, which I really enjoyed. Otherwise, mostly trying to get caught up on cleaning. WW took the kids out to lunch for around 90 minutes yesterday, first time she had seen them in a week. I know the virus kept her away for most of it, but I was a little surprised she didn't want more time yesterday, or any at all today. Probably won't see them again until Wednesday, and she seems fine with it. She always "says" she misses them and wants more time but never takes action. I guess that's why I've got primary custody though. WW is mostly interested in herself and OM.

Spent couple hours today going through old clothes for the kids, clearing out stuff that doesn't fit anymore. As you can imagine, the memories come flooding back, as I recall where a certain shirt was bought or an event where it was worn. WW was always the one to handle this kind of thing in the past, and I have asked her on multiple occasions to come over for just a few minutes and help me go through clothes. She always agrees but it never happens, so I got sick of waiting. I should know by now I can't count on her for anything, unless it helps her somehow.

As a result, it's been sort of an up and down day emotionally. Taking a couple of my boys clothes shopping soon, now that I know what we actually need, then back home to make dinner, get everyone to bed, and start the weekly cycle all over. It certainly is exhausting being a single parent. Overall I'm getting the hang of it, but sometimes I just get mad that this is my life now. So angry at WW for stealing my future, and that of her kids, while she lives out her fantasy. I know we'll all get over it and be fine, but there are times I look forward to her suffering. It's not like me to think that way, but I take it all as part of the ride, and look forward to the day I can just think about all this and be happy I'm past it.

I'm glad you can feel some peace now that the custody is in place.

Hugs to your testosterone filled home!

I, on the other hand, went out to a bar last night with a new single guy friend, and had a great time. He's recently widowed for a few months, and still hurting, but overall just a fun guy to be around.

NEVER underestimate the value of a good wingman.