SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

lost_in_space

The WSs have helped me as much as the BSs...

Ditto. I have found that when a WS takes the time to come into General and lend a comforting word to me as a BS, that I find it highly validating and comforting since I have not had a remorseful WS.

I agree LIS- a few WS have reached out to me and I find that comforting for the same reason you gave. It also gives me some hope that humans can be fallible, yet eventually gather that empathy and feel the BS pain.

truthsetmefree

(((((TimMe)))))

I've learned that much of this healing process is about finding ways to get our needs met - and many times it is in ways that are not familiar to us. That's part of the growth.

Yes, tsmf -I think it's more pronounced after the shock wears off. I've always had at least some level of resilience, but it seems harder to gather now.

So let me first say to you - Way to go! This is progress/growth.

Thank you - I'm trying.

As for the other, hang in there. It may feel like you are going down - and sometimes you actually may be. But as my IC once explained to me, this process is not a straight, linear path up. There will be dips. But when you get far enough to have a bigger picture perspective, you will see that the line always progressed in an overall upward movement - despite the dips.

I hope I can get to that point a lot sooner than later. I never thought I'd have to go through this process again, but it is what it is I guess.

Believe in that. This is all a necessary part of the process.

I'd rather be a genuinely "human" person who has the ability to grieve after someone dear to me is gone. I can't imagine "voiding" out a partner after many years and just going on as if nothing happened.Obviously there are those who can do that.

Thanks for your support and well wishes for your growth as well.

itspjw

Tim,

My story is very different than yours...you can see more detail in my profile if you care to...

I'll do that itspjw....

I am what some may consider one of the "lucky" ones. My H had a ONS, not a LTA, was immediately remorseful, established NC before I even knew, and immediately after DDAY did anything and everything to make things better and help me heal.

I'm glad he realized what he might have lost before it was too late.

That doesnt make my pain any less real, just as the fact that you weren't married doesn't make yours any less real.

Not at all......pain is pain and it knows no boundaries.

Like some of the other posters have said, sometimes I just dont know what to say, and the boards do move very fast.

Keep posting...bump the post yourself if you need too. This really is a wonderful place for support.

Thank you - I agree.

MovingUpward

Truly, I don't know why I even said that.

As a BS, I remember those times when I struggled with what my WW did. Her choices shattered my self esteem and I was reaching out for help and wasn't feeling like I was getting it. I suspect that your self esteem has taken a big hit too and I think that you are just trying to stabliize things.

It appears so MU - it took a long time to get back my self esteem after XWW left. here we go again!

I think this was a reason why you though that there might be snobbery on SI. Hopefully as you spoke out that you are seeing that this site really does care about the other members. People try to help as best as they can. I encourage you to keep posting and be clear in the questions that you are struggling with.

Often, there are many thoughts that go through my head and the cause is usually "why". I realize that because she basically was a coward, the chance is slim or next to none that I'll ever understand. When you're an inquisitive and curious person like myself, it's difficult to come up blank.

You are also welcome to drop me a PM at any time.

Thank you very much for the support MU.

woundedby2

Seeing that this is the second time for me,the damage is even greater than the first time.

This is my first time through this mess. I don't envy anyone who's gone through it more than once. But I do know there are many here who walk in your shoes.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here wounded...

I would also recommend that you find the Betrayed Men's thread in the I Can Relate Forum, Tim. You are not alone.

(((((TimMe)))))

Thank you for the support....I've been to the Betrayed Men forum, but only a few times. So many that you want to answer - very difficult.

Best wishes for your recovery.

why2008

I am so sorry and ashamed for inferring that the genuine and kind people here are snobs. Truly, I don't know why I even said that.

Please don't feel sorry or ashamed. Alot of us know exactly how you are feeling, when you are depressed and betrayed it's hard not to take EVERYTHING personally.

Thank you for that validation why.

I remember nearly crying one day because I got bad service when dining alone and just being very sensitive to anything I percieved as rejection.

Yes, the hypersensitivity does come out. Rejection does a number on you.

SI does move fast and I know in the beginning I would feel very hurt if I didn't get any responses too. My self esteem was so low I thought that even anonymous people could tell a loser was writing in...

I'm sure you're not the only one who felt this way. I'm very hypersensitive at times, but I try to remind myself that people are no different than before. You still have to "filter" those who will give somewhat instead of taking all the time. I've had my fill of the latter.

A 7 year relationship is a VERY long relationship and it is serious whether you were married or not. Hell, in my marriage I was the only one that was fucking married.

I'm sorry that's become your reality why. I know- it really sucks when you give WAY more than what you get back.

I take it from your registration date that this is still a very fresh wound. Holding on, showering and eating, not thinking about the betrayal (every minute of every day) are often the only things you can do for a couple of months.

Considering that this is the second betrayal for me, it's more like the old wounds have reopened with an even deeper cut.

Take it easy on yourself, don't be embarrased, you've been through an incredible trauma and we (more than any other group) know that.

I try ......thanks for your kindness and support why. I wish you strength and the deserved happiness you're seeking.

RedheadTX

It is maddening to want so badly to have the answers. I have driven myself crazy for years chasing answers and wondering why. What I've learned is that WH probably couldn't give me the real answers even if he wanted to...he isn't capable because he doesn't know.

I think it's easier to say that Redhead....let me give you an example. My XWSO made it through three overly optimistic(on my part) C sessions. During the last one, I made it clear that I needed a time line for the separation (which was forced upon me) and the therapist agreed. one of the things x said in that session was that "she didn't know why she did it". Of course, I'm not talking about a psychological assessment - merely a very simple explanation. keep in mind that we met through another infidelity board and we were bot well versed on all the "BS". I even remember her saying at the time that she thought separation was a "copout".

Anyway, after that comment about not knowing the reason, I turned and said to her:

"What!!!! - you don't know? I'll tell you why.... it's very simple.....you were selfish". So in essence, all that knowledge from her X's A went right out the window. All the times we spoke about both of our pain and suddenly it was for naught.Sudden amnesia or selective memory if you will. It's called crazy-making with a bunch of BS mixed in. But selfishness is a the root of it all.

Sometimes it seems like everyone is broken in their own way. I couldn't have known it at the time, but I was drawn to him because his wounds were familiar to me.

Same here - you'd expect that you could trust someone who had been there. Empathy and commonality don't have to be a negative thing. IMO, it's a question of choice.

What I've found helpful is to try to focus on ME and healing my wounds. That's really the only thing I can control. I'm trying to trust that the rest will take care of itself. So much easier said than done.

Always easier said than done Redhead :)And you're right - I'll be damned if I'm going to change my goodness because of broken people. that would be an insult to my parents. Now trust is another issue....unfortunately. As long as I strive to be the best and healthiest person I can be, then it boils down to the right choice. I've struck out there the last couple of times.

I hope that you find peace and clarity!

And I wish the same for you as well. Thank you Redhead.

aNewReality

This thread kept me reading because I feel the same way. Unremorseful spouse. Moved on with OW. Left me to feel like our 7 year relationship - 5 years married - meant nothing. We were "that couple" - the silly, cute couple everyone loved and thought we were so perfect for each other.

I'm so sorry that your ex asshole made you feel this way. My contention is that "if" they can't empathize with the pain they've caused, then a necessary enlightenment is due. In other words, if you put the shoe on the other foot, I'd hate to think it wouldn't be different for them. Selfishness blinds so many people.

Actually, during one if many of his confessions to me about numerous cheatings, he said he also felt "trapped" by the label attached to us as such a silly, good couple.

That's BS - a lame excuse.

And He said that I was too controlling (I like to keep the house clean and am a "neat and tidy" person).

Well so am I - you accept differences - that's if you relish the difference.

Anyway, by the time he disclosed all of his infidelities - many online and 1 PA/EA with the person who is now his girlfriend - he had a pretty long list of all of the ways I sucked.

People here refer to it as "blame-shifting". It's a desperate move to somehow take the responsibility (and acknowledgement) of their actions off of them -away from any conscience. More BS. More irrrational and displaced thinking.

He cheated while I was pregnant with our first child.

I'm so sorry- something that "should" have been a memorable event was tarnished by his selfishness. He needs to grow up.

We separated when my son was 2 months old (he refused to cut ties to OW). Carrying a child, going through childbirth with the person you think is your partner in everything - and then finding out it's all been a lie - it's a pain that is impossible to describe with the right words.

There's no limit of damage that these callous individuals can selfishly inflict upon others who unselfishly give of themselves- people who offered kindness and were slapped in the face.

He has moved on like I never existed. Like losing me is no big deal.

I'm so sorry you've been through this horrible experience. I wish that I could offer you an explanation for his utter lack of conscience. Know that you deserve so much more than this scumbag. Words often can't take away the pain.I myself can attest to that.We all wish that somehow we could have "caught" the signs, but I can tell you from experience, there are many BS artists - many liars, many self-serving individuals who seem to have no semblance of a conscience. It's easy to say" You're better off without him", but the reality is that you really are. There is someone out there who deserves your love and if you can be patient, you will find that special love.

Bobbie

TimMe... Your story has warrant.... I don't know your story, but infidelity is the same when you put your 'soul' everything 'trust' in another person... married or not. We all feel the same utter despair when that person turns their back on you.

Thanks Bobbie- here's to your healing.

Personally, the feeling of being so "insignificant" was the hardest part of my WS's A's. I felt SOOOOOOOOO 'insignificant' when I was suppose to be the MOST significant person in his life. I 'literally' did not exist in my WS life during his A's... and that is the ultimate of pain. And, then when D-day hit... how could he want R, when he was still lying during the whole process? Made me feel even more insignificant! My whole life was shattered.

I can think of nothing that hurts more than infidelity, and then I realized I had a un-remorseful husband on top of the infidelity... how can I ever dig my way out????

I found SI because I needed help for ME. All our situations are different, but we all had that same desperate despair. I, like so many here, felt I was the 'biggest' broken mess of all. I found out, I was not alone. So many on SI took the time to hear me and validate ME for what I was feeling... I had no one else to talk to.

I'm so sorry you are hurting and I hear YOU. There is NEVER, EVER justification to cheat EVER.... Keep posting. You will find out you are in the right place.

imtrying

I was really hit by what you wrote in the first post because it's something I could have written - until the part about what the relationship could have been.

I couldn't have written that because it is too hard to think about what was possible -- just too painful.

I certainly understand imtrying. It's painful to see promising relationships discarded simply because the person couldn't own his/her shit.........because the person took the easy way out.....because the person has no motivation to figure out why they're broken. We all have "some" wounds somewhere along the line. Why is that some never cross the line, even though their wounds are just as significant as their WS? I know why - failure to uphold any kind of integrity. The easy way out. Selfishness at its finest.

Am I making up that we once were so close? That things felt so amazing at times and that we seemed so compatible? I guess so..

What YOU feel is the truth- it's how YOU looked at the relationship and no ne can discount that feeling. We assume that our partners look at it in a similar way. At least we're trusting that they do. I thought that I was compatible with XWSO -there was a lot of commanality -a lot of shared tastes. Yet, we had our individuality as most relationships should honor. Differences add much to the relationship "if" you accept the differences. It's not that hard, but not easy either.

Although X has been living with one of his OW from 2008 for the past three months, I find myself really struggling the past two weeks, just out of the blue for exactly the reasons you mention.

I totally understand- it's a haunting situation that doesn't go away easily. We wish that we had answers for their behavior , but the bottom line is that unless they recognize that something is not right within themselves, the disappointment and confusion will continue. that's why people here suggest the 180 (if applicable) Essentially, we have lost our true selves due to their selfishness and whatever demons exist. We're lucky if we can not only figure out any of "our" demons, but to try and help someone else who refuses to see "truth" is an endless and frustrating battle.

I think there are two key things for me: one is why I pick people that so easily discard a relationship and a person they claimed to have loved so deeply. The other is why I ignore the signs that i am with such a person.

Perhaps IC can hone in on the possibility that we tend to choose partners to mirror our voids. Believe it or not, that research indicates that people unconsciously connect with a the parent who was most damaging. Doesn't make sense until you see it as a way to take back your life and resolve those childhood issues. Most of the time we have no clue this is taking place, but the research undoubtedly supports that possibility.

With my current X, I saw him push me too fast into intimacy, moved in before I wanted him to, used the L word WAYYY to early. Later, after he left me, and before he came back begging me to give him another chance, which I did, he moved in with a woman he'd barely met, spent a month with her before moving out of state, but kept in touch with her (while lying to us both), and then asked her and her son to move to a new state with him where he would know nobody.

To me. that sums it up - emotional immaturity with a blend of selfishness.

Then, he suddenly ditched her, and came back to me. I accepted him, finally, but was horrified to see that he brushed her off with a curt email - telling her to never contact him. I made him write a kinder one, thanking her and apologizing for being messed up.

I'm confused here- isn't that what you were hoping for? A NC sort of thing?

It troubled me deeply. He had told her he was in love with her, shared great intimacy in a short time, offered to begin a new life out of state together. Then - woosh. Gone. "Don't ever contact me again."

Isn't that one of those "red flags" you spoke of? Someone who can easily go through such extremes is a BIG red flag IMO. Going from one person to another is only something that should occur with "dating". I assume that's not where you both are. At least not you.

He said he woke up and saw her without makeup. And she was too ugly. But, I accepted that, turned away, pretended it was not important, and took him back. And of course, ultimately, he did the same to me in ways big and small by lying and cheating.

So.......do you see the pattern? As much as it breaks your heart, don't you believe you deserve better? Someone who can be faithful and commit to monogamy?I do.

(And now, he's been living with her again since the day he moved out of here three months ago. Ping Pong anyone?)

If you 'd like my honest opinion, he's playing you -cake eating "because" he knows you're still a viable option. Take that option away from him. Do the 180 and don't give in to his manipulative BS.

My point is - why did I look away? Why did I refuse to see the clear patterns in his behavior? And why do I feel such devastation now. He tells me now that they have deeply intimate sex, that I was the worst girlfriend ever and... "Don't ever contact me again." The years we spent together, the intense tough and beautiful times, they are all trash, or not important.

I'm so sorry for his utter callousness. and its effect upon you. I hate when I read these stories. Utter selfishness. He's rewriting history (get that playbook out) in an attempt to allay his guilt and obvious affront to you.Get rid of his sorry ass. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

And why would someone like me not just shake her head in disgust and move on? Why so hard to let go, to process through?

You can only figure that out yourself.........perhaps it's codependence....perhaps it's an inability to accept rejection (don't we all feel that way?). BUT. the bottom line is that he's not what you want and that's someone who treats you with respect and an undying devotion. A psychiatrist (saw me when I thought I needed some help with meds)said this to me: "Tim - your'e intelligent, good looking and have a heart of gold. Don't you think there are plenty of "other" fish in the sea? Why continue to expend your energy with this one? You deserve better.

When we're in that "stuck" state of mind where we pine for what used to be, those words can mean nothing.It's only until we take back our dignity that we see those words have some meaning. I'm the first one to acknowledge that it's SO hard to let go when we experienced "something" that gave us joy. problem is that the person we experienced that joy with is no longer the same person.And this is what's hard to swallow. How someone can seemingly change overnight. But the reality is such that they did change- for whatever reason(s). That's the difficult part to swallow.

(I've had enough trying to find the right one)said to me

Poor him- what a selfish asshole.And what about the trauma he's put you through? He wouldn't know the "right one" because he's not healthy. Period.

Oh, dear, I'm just rambling and asking questions. Meant to just say - I hear you!

Do not be sorry for your reaching out.I took your post as such.You're in pain - so am I. This board is intended to help each other through this trauma and I hope I offered at least some comfort.

Hang in there......take a deep breath and take some time to rediscover the lost you. Do not let anyone else define your true nature.

bump......

Hoping that others see my replies to them.

ditto bump

Thanks, Tim, for taking the time to reply.

I hope you are feeling better today...

itspjw

Thanks, Tim, for taking the time to reply.

I hope you are feeling better today...

Thank you again

I'm trying to do that with this thread

you've done a great job with that here.

It looks like you're feeling better about this issue, which is good. Because it also looks like you have a lot to offer to the rest of us too.

inconnu

I'm trying to do that with this thread

you've done a great job with that here.

It looks like you're feeling better about this issue, which is good. Because it also looks like you have a lot to offer to the rest of us too.

I appreciate your kind words very much inconnu. Best regards your way.