SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have to tell OM's BW to break the fantasy world your W is. Also, it helps having a possible ally.

And again: she has to tell you everything so R can succeed, including who is this guy - even though you already know.

I managed to find a way to contact the OM's BS. But her identity is not 100% confirmed because her status is listed as the OM's "in relation with". By doing this I'd blow my cover, letting the other party know that I know who he is. I'm worry my only upper hand will be discovered and future monitoring will be more difficult. Anyone has any suggestions on how I can approach this with minimum damage, minimum risk, and maximum constructiveness?

AS for me, my wife's recurring ulcer has returned and we almost paid a visit to the ER yesterday, part of me is saying "shit, we need to discuss so much and now is the crucial time for me to get it our of her", the other part of me is feeling her pain and suffering, than again I'll have that "how f@#king convenient" feeling.

She's been indifferent, almost no signs of remorse, most of the time she's acting like nothing ever happened, maybe it's the poker face for the long weekend with our daughter, maybe she's comfortable with me temporarily believing her and taking her words. I don't know, my mind has been flipping between a "cautious comfort" to "uncontrollable rage that must be masked hidden inside"

Good morning rightbeforebday.

I looked back through the thread to see if I could find more details about what you referred to as your "upper hand" ...

One upper hand I have now is that I know who this person is by name, have access to his partial profile on facebook, and I'm able to track down his work number and monitor my wife's phone. Also, I know a few of their "mutual" friends I can contact if it comes to that point. I do not wish to expose the OM to his BS at this moment because I'd like to keep my knowledge of his identity a secret for the time being while I continue to observe, and concentrate on my own healing and and recovery.

You also mentioned your WW wants you to turn on the GPS tracking feature on her phone.

These are good things ... but not quite what I would call an "upper hand". More like an "upper pinky finger".

She can leave the GPS phone in her office and take an untraceable trak phone with her. You call the GPS phone, she doesn't answer, and later she says she was in a 2 hour meeting down the hall. Any control you think you have over the OM is probably wishful thinking.

A few questions:

1) Was she seeing someone for mental health reasons before her brother committed suicide?

2) What would be wrong, from your point of view, with getting a free consultation with an attorney ... just to see what your options are?

I know you are trying to treat your WW with respect and you want to have her see the light on her own. (This is the ideal outcome.) Your use of Joseph's Letter is a good example. But her responses are indicating that she may not follow that course. You need to start to prepare yourself for that.

(edited for spelling)

[This message edited by paulb at 12:11 PM, November 27th (Saturday)]

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

If you have the resources...hiring a P.I is the best way. They can get you all the info you need to verify indentity, employment and best method to contact the other bs.

Do not tell anybody that your doing this. If you haven't already....a stealth keylogger on your WW computer is a must. You need to know what your up against.

rightbeforebday,

I'm sincerely sorry for the pain you're going through.

I've read your posts, and it appears you're giving your cheating wife a whole lot of credit that she's simply not entitled to:

Your wife hasn't provided you with much of ANYTHING: You caught her! You uncovered the identity of OM on your own.

All your WW is doing - is verifying WHAT YOU ALREADY KNOW.

Can I ask:

Why are you treating her with kid gloves? Why is she allowed to dictate requests to you - regarding her adulterous long-term relationship?

Was your wife seeing a therapist prior to her brother's suicide/hanging? Is there a history of mental instablility in her family? You mentioned she's bipolar, correct.

I agree with the other posters: You need to seek legal advise to protect yourself and your young daughter - legally and financially.

You need to contact OM's wife immediately. She deserves to know about this affair - and you may start getting some real truths about this affair. I don't believe your wife is being anywhere near honest with you.

Again, I'm sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.

Everyone is right, the affair is much deeper emotionally than I ever thought it would be.

I am going to rely on God for strength, in which he showered me tonight with amazing healing power, I'm at peace, will begin seeking counseling tomorrow and concentrate on healing my wounds and work towards what matter the most of this short life we have on this earth.

I want to thank all the outpouring support and advice, words of comfort and encouragement. I deeply appreciate all of you.

I found peace through God's amazing power, I'm now at peace with myself and will fully trust God and wherever he leads me.

God bless you all, and no matter where you are on your journey, I want to let you know that the refreshing joy and everlasting peace from God is a mysterious power not to be reckon with.

much love and much gratitude to all who shared and lend me your hands.

ps. I send the message to OM's BS, not sure if she'll get it because I'm just another unknown facebook member, and my prayer goes out to her if she ever stumbled upon this post.

[This message edited by rightbeforebday at 11:40 PM, November 27th (Saturday)]

rightbeforebday)))

(((rightbeforebday)))

I'm so glad that you are going to seek counselling tomorrow, and that you have tried to reach OM's wife. She deserves to know the truth for her own sake, and it is also the best thing you can do to have a chance of stopping this affair.

I would seek legal advice too. Hard as it is, being pro active really is the best thing you can do right now for yourself and your daughter.

I'm so sorry for your pain, and sad that your wife has brought this into your life. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sorry, rightbefore, but I've got to just echo what Dare2Trust said. You're not getting much information out out of your WW.

And spiritual faith and healing can be a wonderful thing too, but if you will pardon the expression, "praise the Lord and pass the ammunition."

Your WW is a liar and a cheater. She has serious mental and emotional problems, if you ask me. Do NOT tiptoe around these issues in a misguided attempt to shield your daughter from any fall-out. Imperfect marriages are not the cause of betrayal and deceit. Get that straight first, and everything else will make sense.

Your wife is not your friend right now, and it is not in your daughter's interests to walk on eggshells around this issue, either. Do not trust your wife at all. She's a proven liar--almost all WWs are.

Protect yourself and your daughter. God helps those who help themselves. Honestly, you need to exercise some major "tough love," if you believe there is hope for your marriage at this point.

Watch how quickly this OM throws your WW under the bus when his spouse is informed of the details. You are, indeed, giving your wife way too much credit for what she has done so far, which is very little that I can see.

When you can see clearly enough to realize you and your marriage are in no way responsible for your wife's character defects, you're going to get very, very, very angry. Your wife frankly does not remotely deserve the restraint you have apparently demonstrated to date.

Dear Rightbefore,

I agree with Fatherfirst, you will get angry, and justifiably so. I am as mild mannered as they come, but I have had outbursts of rage like I have never had in my life toward my husband. I agree that you need to put the pressure on your wife. She has caused this, brought all this ugliness into your lives. She needs to do the hard work to help you heal and save your marriage, so long as that is what you both want. The first step toward healing, after no contact, is complete honesty and openly answering any and all questions you have. Writing a time line might be a good idea. Until and unless she does this, I think you will be in limbo. So sorry for your pain.

can a moderator deactivate this thread. thanks to all who helped.

rightbeforebday,

I hope you will re-read your initial post.

Everyone has offered you the advise, help and direction you asked for.

We are all still here for you.

I wish you the very best.

A little background. Me and my wife met 9 years ago, been married for 5 years next Feb. Have a perfectly wonderful 6 yrs old daughter. We're a single income family, she's a wonderful stay at home mom and I work early shift and able to pick up our daughter daily from her school together. We spend a lot of time together as a family, there was no such thing as a trust issue between us for over 9(almost 10) year. I wonder why the hell I ended up posting this thread in this forum being a completely broken hearted husband.

Two days ago while watching a princess cartoon with my daughter my wife's phone's alarm went off for her scheduled prescription intake. I reached over and turned the alarm off and these touchscreen smartphones are super sensitive causing me accidentally press the text message and there it was, the sexual explicit text conversation between my wife and a phone number I do not recognize.....my heart froze, my knees felt weak, my life was forever changed and I felt pain I have never felt before. Did I put on a perfect poker face because I was watching a princess cartoon with my daughter, you bet I did. In fact I didn't know how I was able to get a whole night of sleep, acted like nothing happened that night, it still puzzles me.

Next morning(yesterday morning), I felt the effect, not sure if it was the full effect but the feeling was the most horrific feeling I ever felt in my life even worse than the circumcision procedure my parents put me through at age 12!! My heart break hurts physically and I felt like throwing up, I managed to make it to work and managed to do my job, I had to break my 3 year quitting smoking vow and bummed my first cigarette from a co-worker in 3 years in order to stop the shaking and do my job.

The same day in the afternoon I left work early and confronted my wife as calmly as I possibly can while my daughter was still in school. She admitted it immediately made no attempt to deny anything, I guess naturally I wanted to know who/when/how long it's been...etc. The only thing confirmed during our conversation was that I don't know this person and there were sexual encounter. My wife couldn't give me any of the details, she claims she wasn't ready. Instead of answering my questions she told me all about how our relationship lacks romance, our child wasn't a planned pregnancy(but nevertheless the most awesome thing ever happened in both of our lives), and our marriage was pressured by our parents. I asked her to end it with the guy and she told me she needed to do it from the heart and told me today she ended it last night, I didn't witness it nor see any proof, my heart wants to believe her, but I've got that recently developed brand spanking new "trust issue" at hand. I can't stop my mind from manifesting sexual images of her and this mysterious guy, I can't shake it off my head the exact sexually explicit description word for word this guy use to called my wife in the text message, and I can't shake off my wife's gleeful response. I really shouldn't have read the whole thing now it's stuck in my head and ripping me apart.

We both care for our daughter very much, maybe even more than our marriage, perhaps that's the reason that distanced me and my wife apart. We've decided that we are willing to work things out, and we both agree that we do love each other. I've trust my wife so long and so does she to me. But I'm here to seek advice as I want to do this recovery thing step by step by the books.

Right now it's day 3 of the initial discovery and day 2 of first confrontation. I'm still at the initial shocking stage, confused, broken, no one to talk to other than the pastor's wife at the church I haven't gone in 10 years. When I don't see my wife, I miss her and feel the intense pain of losing her, and also as intense the pain of what my daughter might possibly experience through her parent's problem. When I do see her or being in the same room with her, I feel the kind of rage I've never felt before, the anger of her betrayal to me and our child, those horrific sexual images created in my head starts popping up and those sickening words in the text message starts to recite in my head over and over again. I get physically sick to the point of vomiting the bare minimum amount of food I managed to put in. And my attempt to hide it from my daughter was unsuccessful.

So that's where I am at right now. Letting my feelings out here anonymously, seeking comfort, seeking advice, seeking direction.

OM's BS has received the truth, OM has broke the NC that my wife claimed.

It's becoming much escalated situation between my wife and I and she's not willing to see it from the other BS's point of view but blaming me for further destruction. I don't know what to make of it. Was what I did considered "tough love"? Or did I just destroyed the last glimpse of hope?

what should I expect from this point on?

[This message edited by rightbeforebday at 11:22 PM, November 28th (Sunday)]

You can 'expect' to be blamed for "ruining thier marriage"... this always happens.

The WS and the OP never consider for a minute that the 'affair' ruined the marriage, it's always the tattling BS. ALWAYS.

What can you expect? Your wife to be PISSED at you! Everything is YOUR fault. And her anger is going to be explosive. The affair is exposed, the fantasy is in danger, the OP is probably going to dump her... and it's all your fault.

Now is the time to 180, 180, 180.... seriously.

I'm so sorry, this is your life but some of us oldies have seen the same script over and over again.

Affairs aren't unique.

Informing the piece of shit other man's POSOM's wife just blew your WW fantasy open. He either threw her under the bus or is trying to move the A underground.

It is the likely story around here-- once the op's spouse finds out, the wayward goes off the deep end.

This is normal-- the bursting of the fantasy bubble always does this. But...

It is the best thing for your hope of reconciling. She has to get out of her fantasy fog.

Stop giving her credit and make a stand about what you will tolerate and what you will not. This needs to be done for you. It will help you.

It is also the best thing for your hope of reconciling.

If anything, this just let some reality sunlight in on the darkness of betrayal. Remember-- if the om's wife finding out is the deal breaker for your wife-- then there wasn't anything there to save in the first place.

Be strong, brother. We all understand. We know it sucks.

The BS had the right to know her husband was in a relationship with your WW. YOU didn't destroy anything by making her aware of it. Did you have the affair? Did you tear apart two families with lies and infidelity?

Your WW is angry because you cut off access to her OM. Surely his BS laid down the law at his house and OM may have ended it with your wife.

Please repeat this to yourself as many times as you need to:

I did nothing wrong.

Because you didn't do anything wrong. You have been honest and caring, supportive and hopeful. You didn't cause any of this destruction.

Expose the A even more, I think. Break the fantasy. 180. Your M needs a shock to survive, but it may end anyway. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

(((rightbeforebday)))

Hard as it is to see right now, what you did telling the OM's wife was the right thing to do. For EVERYONE'S sake.

How could your marriage survive healthily with lies/secrets of this magnitude in it and the marriage be real? This adultery kept secret and unspoken about or dealt with would eat away at you and wour marriage for ever if you didn't deal with it thoroughly now.

Your wife is angry because you have brought the light of day into her fantasy world. She now see's the consequences of what she has done and she doesn't like them. That is not YOUR fault. It is her and OM's joint fault.

Without their adultery and betrayal, there would have been nothing for you to tell the OM's wife. You are just trying to unravel this mess.

It is my belief that if you had not spoken out, your wife would still have had all this anger towards you inside of her for making her stop her affair with this OM anyway. She would have just masked it, as she has been doing before you told OM's wife. By the behaviour she had shown since your discovery she seemed to have no intention whatsoever of either confessing all to you and maybe even no intention of giving OM up. Now the choice is not hers exclusively and she doesn't like it one bit.

I believe if left to her own devices, she would have either carried on with the affair underground, causing more damage to your marriage OR she would stopped it, but have harboured all this anger and resentment towards you as the person that 'made' her lose her fantasy, inside of her, hidden from you. Both of which would have destroyed your marriage eventually.

Getting all this out into the open where it can hopefully be dealt with, is, I honestly believe, the best chance your marriage has. ( And OM's betrayed spouse's marriage too )

There are no guarantee's how this will go, every marriage and situation is different. But the thing to remember above all else is, YOU did not bring this into your marriage, your WIFE did.

Instead of being angry with you she should be asking for your forgiveness. She's not. She's angry. You have stopped her fun before she was ready. She's not out of the fog yet. Not remorseful yet. Hopefully, it will come. You have brought the consequences of her actions to her and she doesn't like it. YOU have done nothing wrong, your morals and dignity are intact.

I'm truly sorry for your pain, I wish there was something I oould say to ease it. But I do think that this situation HAD to come to a head in order to be resolved, whichever way it goes. I don't think you COULD have made the situation any worse, it was already bad. Your actions in trying to unravel this mess are the only chance you had to try to make it better.

You are in my thoughts and prayers (Hugs)

You did the right thing- and her response is normal for someone who is not fully committed in your marriage.

Your wife is no longer on your team and you need to protect yourself.

180 is the only way to go.

By the way, you are a very good dad- and you deserve much better than this.