SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just typed a whole mess and lost it... dang it.

Bottom line was that you provided her with a safe environment for a long time. Rather than use it to build a foundation for her own life, she stayed right in the limboland that was supposed to be tke a temporary. Living off your resources like a kid, but wanting the respect of an adult.

Her challenges are not easy but she threw away her support system. Her choice. Do not let her guilt you into taking responsibility for her flawed decision making.

I am so sorry that you are here. I hope that she finds the strength to do what is right for herself rather than finding someone to rescue her....

Hugs.

She spent the last two days up at her dad's, and he is now in her corner, pressuring me to let her come home. I already feel bad enough - last night didn't help defending myself to him.

Luckily, we get along very well and are able to talk - we're kinda like brother and sister, as weird as that may sound. He is a pushover, though, so I expected this.

Did you explain to him that the most loving thing to do is jolt her enough now that he doesn't have to see her desperate, and way further addicted and broken in the years to come?

IMO this is a very critical time. The last thing I want for you guys is to see her facing jail time or losing her kids or her health being critical and then think "I wish I had drawn my line while there was still a chance" .

The rehab likely recommended the halfway house because they knew she was still thinking like an addict and it was just a matter of time before she used again. It's not enough to be clean. She has to address the mentality that allows her to use and justify and the poor coping skills or the urge to use will always be at her door. It's not unlike the reason we are at this website. Until the thinking is changed, nothing changes right?

I can only imagine your struggle. I truly believe by being willing to take the hardline now you are doing the most noble thing...the right thing. Caving and giving hugs and buying her stories is the easy and natural thing. We love our kids.

Looking down the road and saying "I love you enough to be willing to have you hate my guts right now so you won't to suffer later" is much harder and I commend you. That's what a parent does. They do the uncomfortable thing.

Just the snippits here tell me she is still using or very close.

((( ssm )))

I am so very sorry. I've been exactly where you are - probably worse as there was a murder involved w/ Lucky sons best friend.

I know the fear but I can assure you that you are strong enough to cope with this, you have to love her enough to let her go.

Users don't think like you and I do. They can justify anything and everything, they'll do anything for money and a hit.

Lock up any and all valuables, when they hit near rock bottom they will have no issue stealing from you to get what they believe they need to 'survive'. Trust me. I know. I've been robbed near blind.

The only person who can change a user - is a user. And until they want to quit your hands are tied & your heart will remain broke.

If you need to talk you know where I am.

Thanks. In defense of my daughter, she never escalated to different drugs (percs are expensive and heroin is cheap... both opiates). She also never stole from me - ever. In fact, one of our stipulations in the agreement was she bring her paychecks to me and we go over them together, give her a small amount of spending money, and I get the rest - to put away and save for her to get another car, and move out eventually. She has done that, but I've had to bug her about it...

I do know that she can easily get to the point of stealing, etc... and of course I don't want to see that happen, or for her to "give up" and give in. That is what her dad is saying he fears if I don't let her come home.

He doesn't get my point of view, and it's frustrating. He keeps saying stuff about her losing her support system, and I keep telling him she isn't losing me as a support system at all - just as her cushy safety net.

He doesn't get my point of view, and it's frustrating. He keeps saying stuff about her losing her support system, and I keep telling him she isn't losing me as a support system at all - just as her cushy safety net.

Yep, sometimes its less your job to stop their fall, and more your job to help them climb back up.

We've been texting today. At first I was feeling good because she's following up on a claim from that accident she was in. She had been ignoring all correspondence and I was dealing with it (I had to - it was my health insurance involved and with Bunt, and I can't let that get fucked up). But now she's taking it upon herself. GOOD. As she should.

She also said she went to see a couple of military recruiters, to look at options. OK - good... might be just what she needs.

I told her that I looked up IC docs in our insurance network, and that I highly recommended that for her - no cost for her is she wants to see someone. She answered back that she wants to make an appt to get on anxiety meds...

WHAT... I explained that meds aren't the answer - not for her right now... and that there are a lot of things people can do for anxiety without meds (I do them, so I know), AND... that the first step is to see someone and explore your issues and problems, then discuss solutions. MEDS... isn't the automatic solution.

sheesh

He doesn't get my point of view, and it's frustrating. He keeps saying stuff about her losing her support system, and I keep telling him she isn't losing me as a support system at all - just as her cushy safety net

.

If he wants to be her safety net and take it on, that is his choice. Why is he trying to get you to flex your boundaries?

I don't remember if he is married, but I do remember you talking about his SO saying some really crappy stuff about your son. Is his SO going to want her out soon and that is why he is laying the guilt trip on you?

Just wondering.

Hang in there.

Well honestly IMO meds aren't the worst thing. A lot of people self medicate anxiety and depression and gently.. your issues aren't hers and she might need something different than you do.

That being said, there are two families of meds for anxiety. She would need to avoid the benzopines like the plague. They are highly addictive and habit forming.

An SSRI is not the same. I take a low dose of Zoloft and it's been a life saver for years now to stop panic attacks that were debilitating. The thing is she's screwing up her brain chemistry with drugs and alcohol so she doesn't know what she feels like normal until she's had some time.

You know it's only my opinion and I trust you to take it or leave it, but she could see a doctor with FULL disclosure and see what they say. An SSRI is not the same thing as Xanax or Ativan and I think at 20 she can make that decision health wise.

Don't be mad at me.

She only stayed up there for a couple days, and went to visit her aunt (his sister lives close). She isn't moving there. Now I think she is at his mother's (her grandmother), but I'm not sure for how long.

Well, my ex loves to be DAD... but nothing that requires financial support on his end. It's a bit like how he always insisted my son get to play competitive baseball, and how great it was for him, etc... yet never helped pay for any of it. He's great at contributing his opinion...

Oh no Meta... I agree... i assumed she wants benzos, as she has mentioned it before... i just think she should see a professional first, before deciding what she needs.

Oh, ssm... your typical post of sheer hysteronics and then the "Buts" and the "Buts" and the "Buts"... you know exactly what I mean.

(((SSM)))

You are doing the right thing, and I'm sure it's very very hard.

Has your daughter ever been worked up or tested for ADD/ADHD? Many of us with this real issue also tend to self medicate something to quiet the mind/body. The number or untreated ADD/ADHD folks that drink/do drugs/ become addicts is much higher than the general population.

Effective treatment can make it much easier for her change the cycle of thought for her addiction.

Military may actually be a very good choice for her. She sounds very unmotivated, but capable of much more. The military will fix that.

Sending good thoughts, prayers, and MoJo your way.

Oh, ssm... your typical post of sheer hysteronics and then the "Buts" and the "Buts" and the "Buts"...

I'm trying to figure out what you mean?? The fact that she did it again definitely did affect me greatly, and that hasn't changed. I'm scared to death at how this may escalate. I think prior to all the classes and meetings I attended, I was in denial about the potential severity, but I'm not any longer. I was only trying to say that we haven't gotten to that point with her... yet. I hope we never do.

She is moving in to an apt. with a friend. She called last night and told me. She sounded excited, and when I asked about this girl, she said she has a good full time job, and does not do drugs. This is not one of her old high school friends, so hopefully this is a good thing. Time will tell.

They came over, and she introduced me to the girl. She seemed ok, but what do I know??? They all seem nice. They packed up the car with some of DD's stuff, and she asked if she could come move dressers and more things on Sunday. She also asked to store some stuff at the house, and I said sure, and the girls don't have a washer and dryer - so I said she could come do laundry sometimes too if she needs.

Overall, she seemed happy to have figured at least this one hurdle out. Like I said, I hope it is a good decision on her part, and time will tell.

Ok. Good. It's sink or swim time. This could be good but it will all be up to her. (((ssm)))

SSM, you have a PM. :)

Well, update on my DD. She got a second job, and is doing well. She is saving for a car she plans to buy in August, and she has been pleasant and helpful - helping me with the dog while Bunt is in the hospital.

She is struggling with some health things right now, acid reflux and anxiety caused by stress and fear. That makes me feel bad... but I am helping her with medical bills/expenses, and we are talking and spending time together. I stuck to my guns, though and she is not back at my home. I hope she continues to do well on her own

Awesome update, ssm!

Great job SSM. I can only imagine how hard it was for you to do that.

Getting on her own with need for work and structure may be just what she needed. Something to focus on besides the next high.

((((and strength))))