SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you considered where you would draw the line? Have you defined how much disrespect you are willing to tolerate?

I know that sounds accusatory, perhaps because I see myself in you. During my marriage, I treated a morsel like it was a feast, and was proud of myself for being so big-hearted.

Well, it didn't work. In the end, I found out that she was living a double life for years and years. That so much of my marriage was a lie, that she had treated me like something cheap.

But in retrospect, was her cheating really such a surprise? The relationship was out of balance right from the start. Like a mobile that wasn't centered right. There was no fixing it. Sending more unconditional "love" her way would have just fed the imbalance.

In the end, I saw the relationship as just as unhealthy as any toxic addiction.

You're not me, obviously, and your relationship is entirely distinct from mine. But the unconditional love you still have for him seems out of balance to me, at least the way you've described it here.

Not saying there's no hope. But sooo much needs to change, in a very fundamental way. Not just the fact that he cheated. But the fact that he *could* cheat needs to be understood and addressed. Not easy.

We are somewhat in a holding pattern on that. We are also on a holding pattern in our relationship. He didn't leave, but he isn't all in. He isn't responding to her messages, but he is reading them. I am also reading them. He has her blocked on just about every device/app, but one.

In other words, he is still having an affair with OW with your permission.

TGL wake up. HE is not the victim. HE does not deserve pity. Not yours. Not anyone else's.

Do you want your daughter growing up thinking it's okay if her husband keeps a girlfriend on the side?

Listen to the people here at SI. You can not "love" him back in to the marriage. Your best hope is to give him 1 hour to decide to go completely NC and chose you or throw him out. Shock him out of his fantasy land.

I have just been through similar grief - found out 3 months ago.

To give your relationship the chance to heal there must be no contact.

If H is committed to working things out with you, there must be no contact with OW at all from now on.

My husband is even banned from the sports centre where we know OW goes with her kids. NO CONTACT FULL STOP.

It's like an addiction. My H needed no contact to ween himself off OW. It's taken a good few months, but now he can see clearly what she was trying to do. Our OW was a stalker and predator too. Our counsellor says a 'sociopath'.

Goodluck to you! There's nothing worse than waiting to be chosen by a man you're already married to.

Please. Please know that the folks here have been through so much of what you are now experiencing.

We know that all of this is so hard to hear from us. We know that you are fighting to keep your family together. You have BABIES for goodness sakes! We know that this is so hard for you.

You must get to your quiet place in your house and in your head. If you must will your stomach and heart to stop heaving, then do so...but you have GOT to think right now! Don't just think about your desire to keep your husband under your roof today, but think about your tomorrow...your future.

These posters are trying to save you a lifetime of tears, half-truths and a trail of OW. I have been right where you are. I thought he would see and feel my love for him and for our children and stop his nonsense. I thought he would never throw away a decades-long marriage.

It didn't happen. Many waywards go a little crazy during their fog and will do and say anything to keep their OW/OM.

I watched him write the NC letter. We mailed it. He changed his number. He gave me his passwords. And then?

He took the affair underground.

It stopped when I became a sleuth and discovered his lies and then it all blew up in his face.

When I cared more about myself and the quality of my own martyred life, than I did about "saving him" things changed abruptly.

Please think this through and listen to us. We all know you are hurt and frightened, but you can do this.

Read the recommended posts that have been provided for you.

Please. Don't let him wallow in the memory of his horrible childhood and ruin the childhood of his own children with this affair.

Be willing to go full throttle and stand up for yourself and your children.

You will not be able to love him into doing the right thing. If you don't do this right, the possibility is too great for this to happen again.

Standing up for yourself is not unloving.

((TGL))

Your WH is broken. He has a big sucking void in him. As long as you offer him unconditional love, he will continue to feed. You cannot love him enough to fix him. Believe me I have BTDT. Even before I learned of the cheating I felt I couldn't abandon him because of his FOO issues. You can read my profile for the blow by blow of what I endured before and after DDay.

There is nothing worse than waiting to be chosen by your spouse. It's hell.

there is a saying around here "It stops when you say it does". My M survived not because of the love I showed to FWH, it survived because of the love I showed to myself by demanding respect from my FWH. I told him to go be with his OW. I detached. I focused on me. I let FWH bottom out. And he hit hard. I told him he was a big boy and he could live as he chose, but I was not going to hang around and watch him destroy his life. I was going to protect the kids from his destructive choicrs and give them a safe place to grow up .

he started doing the work.

Even recently when he backslid to older unhealthier coping mechanisms I reminded him that he needs to be healrhy for himself and the kids, not me because I don't have to stay. I donr offer unconditional love to him. I'm not his mommy. I'm his wife.

(((TGL)))

Keeping reading on here. Stay strong..

Did he write a NC Letter yet???

TGL - Ok so you have made the choice to give R a go, and really try. For this to be successful you need for him to buy in as well. So I think you need to seriously sit down, and ask and answer these questions, this will help give you clarity on the situation.

How are you going to do that?

How long will you allow him to be indecisive?

What are your plans should he leave? (this is why it's important to see an attorney, not that you are D'ing, but to cover the just in case. Not seeing an attorney early on because you have no intention of D'in is just like not getting your mammogram because you have no intention of developing breast cancer, it just doesn't work, or make much sense. You need to protect yourself and your girls).

Have you been STD tested? If not, and are planning on making this work, you need to. Many STD's are silent until they do nasty things like cause mouth or cervical cancer.

Is it OK for me allow myself to be treated with disrespect because I am honoring my vows? What will this teach my daughters if this continues for months, years, decades?

I really don't mean to be harsh in any way. These are the questions I pondered before Dday, when I knew something was up, but had no proof.

We did R. And sister, it's great now, but it took a LOT of HARD work on BOTH our parts. When it was just me trying, it didn't work. But when he really really got it....Thats when we really began R.

((((and strength))))

TGL, I will tell you about a relative of mine. This relative was the BS many years ago, his wife slept with another relative (of the BH's) for several months. They got back together, rug swept the whole thing, but the BH demanded NC with the AP and for many years things seemed to work out for them.

Fast forward to about 8 years later, the BH decided to forgive the relative and welcome him back into their lives. BH even allowed the WW and AP to have communication. Within less than 6 months, the WW and AP were sleeping together again. The WW moved out of the marital home at this point and continued to string the BH along while she was sleeping with the AP, AND another AP at the same time. The only one NOT getting sex was the BH .

The BH decided to take exactly your approach. He loved her, he wanted to "love her back", he didn't talk about the infidelity, he didn't talk about her not living at home, he took her out on dates, he did all that stuff. He told his small children that Mommy was stressed and needed a break, etc. etc. A few months later, she moved back home, and into the basement. She continues to have her AP's, she continues to have nothing to do with the BH other than to use him for the free rent and utilities he is providing, all while sleeping with her boyfriends whenever she wants.

This has been going on for almost 2 years now. The BH is too afraid to stand up for himself and hopes that his WW will wake up one day suddenly and feel like the BH is the greatest man alive because he stayed with her when others would have run. Unfortunately, that's not happening, and it's ROYALLY screwing up their kids in the mean time! Their 15 year old DD is on the prowl for a husband to get her out of that house, and that's just the beginning.

So make no mistake about your kids NOT getting messed up by what they are witness to right now. And also make no mistake that NO ONE can "love someone back" into a marriage. All you are doing is making it easy for him to waffle back and forth and he knows he'll always be able to land back at home when he's done with the OW for the day. This is not a time to be sweet and sugary, this is the time to really fight for what you want, and you're not fighting at all, you're laying down and letting him walk on you. Ever heard of tough love? It's time for that.

k8la - Just so you know, alcohol is not a normal part of his life. It was a very poor decision on one night. He doesn't drink often, and never to such excess. He is not a danger to me or my children. Let's not count this guy out on that too, please!

I am so confused by your posts.

In your first post you said you were "fighting for your life" How are you fighting right now? You asked how to move forward and you also said even your counselor advises NC.

Unless, I'm missing something all I read from this is that you are stroking his back saying "there there". You keep making excuses for him.

Seriously, I understand - it is very hard to imagine the love of your life doing this to you.

I get that. I think what we all are concerned about is that he is using your generosity to do what he wants. He may not even be aware he's doing it. That's how the mind of a WS

works. It's all about them. I don't see you fighting for your life, I see you giving in to his.

You matter, you need to be respected, you need to feel safe, you need total loyalty, you need kindness.

Okay, maybe it's too early in your R to make any permanent decisions, maybe you want to see

what he does but please don't let this go on too long. At some point someone, hopefully you,

needs to decide what is acceptable in your M.

Someone once told me when dealing with an addict (and that's what they are) - You can't stop

their insanity until you stop yours. So true.

Take care.

I'm guessing that you felt my mention of the danger to your children being physical? Not at all and my reference to the fight of your life also being physical?

The anguish you feel has washed into the physical but it doesn't have to include bruises to be a danger to you or your children.

I have quite a bit of experience with the "occasional drinker" who said ugly things under the influence to his wife, in front of his children. And out of earshot - sort of - volume carries through walls, you know? And it has a residual effect on the home, even if the children weren't there when ugly things were said.

You have the require sobriety from both addictions, or you will visit this hurt again and again, until your greatest love is shredded, your youth gone, your children fully developed coping patterns that will define and possibly destroy their lives.

You can't carry him. Find an Al-Anon meeting for yourself, either online or live and learn how your soft landing for him with ibuprofen and granola bars really undermined his respect for you and what it really means to stand up for your love by requiring different behaviors and NOT being that soft landing for him anymore.

Get out of his Higher Power's way and let the man find his bottom so that he will find a need to be sober. You must no longer save him from that crash.

Alcohol influenced him. He drank so much for why?

Please don't be so quick to turn away a method of support that trains you to NOT TAKE CARE OF HIM when he's behaving badly.

You taught him it's okay to abuse you verbally. To emotionally wreck your life.

Sorry to be blunt. It's very real. Being his ever-loving doormat will not win him back. It will not win the fight.

The other woman will take him and leave you with pain. And he will willingly go because he has nothing to lose that he can't come back and take again, just simply by saying, he's sorry - but never promising it won't happen again.

Is this the man you would want for your daughters? Is this how you would want THEM treated? Is this how you want your sons to treat their wives?

Do the tough things now, before the pain comes into their lives too.

P.S. study up on adult child of alcoholics coping strategies. You'll find significant trauma in their relationships. Do what you can to learn and prevent NOW.

You must feel ganged up on, during a terribly trying time. This comes from a place of good intent, but of course you must go at your own pace.

We've all gone through some variation of what you're going through now, so it's easy for us to look back with hindsight and tell you how things should go. It's also too easy for us to project our own situations onto yours.

What's concerning is a pattern that happens all too often with infidelity: the betrayed was taken advantage of, and then continues to allow himself or herself to be treated badly.

You are not being unkind by standing up for what you deserve in the relationship, which is his devotion and respect. Please don't give him affection while he maintains contact with the OW. By doing so, the underlying message you send is that you're OK with it.

If, in the aftermath of the terribly cruel thing that he did, he does not turn fully towards you *very* soon, proclaim his desire to be with only you, and express deep remorse at the pain he caused, then the kindest thing you can do for yourself, for your children, and even for him, is to end things.

Maybe he will then decide he wants to be with you and only you after all. Maybe not. But it's out of your control.

Of course you must do what you must do. There's a progression that you know you must follow. We're just encouraging you to take a long view of things.

Onceinalifetime...well said. I always worry about new members and how they perceive advice.

Remember TGL - this is a support group and we DO support you no matter what path you feel is right. Advice is just that....advice. Take what you need and leave the rest. Don't be scared off! Just mull over what's been said and above all else...take care of you. You have to take care of your mental, emotional and physical health so you can continue to take care of your children while enduring this turmoil.

Keep us updated, or start a new thread. Or even just read and glean from our experiences what you need to get through this. Have you read the healing library? Great resources in there.

(((TGL)))

I just want to add: it took me an incredibly long time to assimilate what I was told here, what I learned in IC, and the events in my life. People offered advice for which I was not ready for an unusually long time. My advice is to tuck it away.

If you feel that we're quick to judge, know that we're not. We have the benefit of long experience, but we KNOW that everyone takes things at his/her own pace. We also know that each of us is extrapolating from our own experiences, which may or may not be relevant to yours. There are certain commonalities, and there are things that are unique to each situation. You will be surprised to discover, over time, how few of the things you now think are unique actually are. I think you'll probably be surprised at how on-target the early advice was--even if you aren't in a place, right now, to implement it. (I know I wasn't. I needed to gather some emotional tools before I could.)

The advice is overwhelming at first. It comes from people who know that you can't implement it all quickly. Take what you need, and leave the rest. Maybe you'll need the rest later, and maybe you won't.