SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

double post

[This message edited by tired girl at 11:24 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

So this would be the second grenade thread getting people up in arms, Safeguard.

Interesting

Why? Because she posted something that's been questioned/stated/debated countless different ways since I was lurking on this site? As a newbie? In pain and working through the early days of horror? She asked it in ways some veterans didn't like? And? By the way, seem to remember a few threads you started that weren't exactly encouraging kumbaya. One just recent. There are quite a few posts in JFO where members call out "brand new" members about growing some balls and finding a backbone. Some from members STILL in their marriages struggling. Talk about "hypocritical". Didn't think her 3 sentence response was cruel and unusual. There are several threads right now on this very forum about why anyone chooses to reconcile and if not married why not bounce.

Since when are "people up in arms" fatal? I read that thread three times trying to see how she didn't respond and admit her frustration. Must have missed it. Kept getting distracted by some very aggressive posters that weren't exactly pulling their punches and didn't even get a gentle "suggestion". One or two ALL over that thread, in case their views were missed the first 12 posts they made, I guess

I loved my time on SI. Met awesome people. There is a pattern of whacking publicly while demanding PM's to "discuss". There have been members banned then their history put on blast. There's only one reason for that shit. Pettiness.

If a site can't handle debate, tolerate differences, allow dissent, encourage and protect individuality while offering protection for those not towing "the company line" may be time to re-think just how altruistic it's owners and "volunteers" are and check the path. Otherwise it's just high school on steroids with the popular clique at a rave.

Oh FYI, DS, you edited your post with the SI Staff user name. For a site that's about no secrets

and ownership...ooops.

I have so much respect for members of this site and the courage I see here every day. This wasn't easy to write or post. I feel it's right, though, and regardless of the outcome, something I needed to say. Thank you again, for everything. Peace and healing for you all.

I'm not sure why I'm getting dragged into all this when I only posted once on Safeguards other thread

Oh FYI, DS, you edited your post with the SI Staff user name. For a site that's about no secrets

and ownership...ooops.

No honey...that's the way the edit feature works for Staff.

Ok here we go.

I had high hopes this would go a different way but this won't stop and I am done with it. We all need to be done with it.

Everyone, we locked safeguards thread. There is no rule about locking a thread that a poster hasn't returned to, and we hardly ever do it. Sometimes we have to make a judgement call though. Here's how we came to that call.

Safeguard had started a thread that was upsetting our members. She posted very unkindly to a brand new member in JFO, right before that, came into General and started another thread which is the one in question. It went on for quite some time. We watched it and watched it, wondering when and if we should step in.

I want you to know these two crucial things. We locked that thread when it was apparent she wasn't coming back to it. She disappeared right around the time she had been asked some direct questions that she didn't want to answer. We knew she wasn't coming back to it A) her last post on it was Saturday night and we didn't close it until Monday morning and B) the crucial bit of information.. we can see when she's on the site. We kept checking, she was here, and she wasn't coming back to it. She left and came back.. still wasn't coming back to it.

At this point it was sucking the life out of the forum, pushing down posts with zero responses and she could have replied.. she didn't want to.

No, she waited A WEEK to start this thread to question us. Did she pm us? Nope. Was she satisfied with Jrazz's help and explanations earlier on in this thread? NOPE. She wanted a fight. And she got one.

So here we have a poster with a history of arguing with staff action, and posting unkindly to our members .

We kept coming into this thread yesterday reminding people of the guidelines, flagging that we made this decision as a team and with information we couldn't share. We didn't want to lay out Safeguards information, we just wanted it to stop.

It didn't. Yesterday sucked for us. There was a point my kids were sitting on the stairs with their shoes on and I kept telling them "We'll go to Grandmas as soon as I am done with this". They waited 45 minutes.

I couldn't think of a way to get this back on track. You can see us all on this thread. We were upset we were being called all sorts of things.. especially hypocritical. I suppose it could have all been over and done with if we'd just laid out from the get go that she was here, she has a history of this shit, and she was choosing not to come back to it. We didn't want to.

Let the chips fall where they may.

There is a pattern of whacking publicly while demanding PM's to "discuss". There have been members banned then their history put on blast. There's only one reason for that shit. Pettiness.

And there's a reason you're angry and it's because we finally banned the president of your fan club after pushing us for YEARS. You and he made a sport of it.

And that's all I am going to say about that because for once and for all UO.. this isn't about YOU.

There is a pattern of whacking publicly while demanding PM's to "discuss". There have been members banned then their history put on blast. There's only one reason for that shit. Pettiness.

This is where I get tripped up. We are here due to betrayal in our lives. We are also told by mod/admin to *trust* what they see, do and discuss behind the scenes. No offense to our volunteer team, and I mean that sincerely, but it is not easy to trust. I have a need to question and see proof when I feel somebody has been wronged.

I'm not saying the staff are untrustworthy, but I am saying not all members have trust laying around to give out freely, we're too burned and scarred.

It also makes the rules feel arbitrary and clique-y

ETA: I have no idea who is in whom's fanclub.

[This message edited by Kierst13 at 11:40 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

My God, I hope I don't become conditioned to think like you.

I don't see the question mark in that statement, but my attention is known to wander.

There is a pattern of whacking publicly while demanding PM's to "discuss". There have been members banned then their history put on blast. There's only one reason for that shit. Pettiness.

And there's a reason you're angry and it's because we finally banned the president of your fan club after pushing us for YEARS. You and he made a sport of it.

Meta can you see where you just did what she was talking about? You guys banned him and now you are talking about him badly.

She wanted a fight. And she got one

That seems obvious from her very angry opening post, tone and syntax in that thread. I am completely dumbfounded why anyone responded to the bait.

But maybe others wanted a fight as well.

Unlike others above, I have no experience of online forums, and sometimes even on SI there are so many voices I feel sad and disturbed at the sense of exclusion, and lack of acknowledgement for their contribution many may feel, shouted down and out, ignored - some of it's downright rude. So acknowledging others and keeping that sense of care in threads or conversations seems to be good etiquette and quite simply basic humanity. IMO

She wanted a fight. And she got one.

I don't post a whole ton but I read a lot, in various forums here. I guess I was ignorant or naive, because I took Safeguard's thread as a legitimate statement. It was a provocative one given the nature of this site and the nature of the statement, but I didn't perceive ill intent behind the original thread. Given the fact that it followed on the heels of something similar having been posted in JFO to a newly-hurting person, I can see how it would seem that way, but as a stand-alone topic (which is how I, and possibly some others who replied, had taken it since I hadn't read the post in question in JFO at that time), it didn't seem "itching for a fight" to me.

I said something similar to this in Wayward a few weeks ago in response to a poster who didn't like what was being said on SI: nobody is going to like everything they read. Posts will piss others off. We have 40,000+ members here and not everyone likes what everyone else has to say. <shrug>

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 11:52 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Meta can you see where you just did what she was talking about? You guys banned him and now you are talking about him badly.

TG.. you are holding a human being to a standard that I don't know is possible. One can only be pushed so far.

I am completely dumbfounded why anyone responded to the bait.

Amen to that, Edie. In all honesty, I was not completely blind to the tone. I was just hoping for a peaceful redirect. Usually I get ignored if someone's really looking for a fight. Hence this 3 ring circus of a thread.

Thank you to everyone who is not afraid to see this all for what it really is. You know us, you hopefully know me by now. My tagline, which has been there for a while, is how I hope we can all move forward.

Recently I heard that people here have "differnt lives, different opinions" and "if your secure with yourself you can live and let live".

So, maybe that advice should be taken universally instead of used to silence others. It is sound advice except the secure/live and let live thing. See, as a WS or a BS I am not SECURE, I am a work in progress with a long fucking way to go, have my good days and bad.. I would wager that most of us here come to this site not-secure to say the least. Having empathy to understand that and allow that even when we feel slighted or ignored would go a long way in our dealings with each other.

In most circumstances the moderators will vote on actions before they are taken. Today I am acting unilaterally. I am taking this opportunity to purge the database a bit.

Anyone else want to go?

What bothers me is the public shaming that I see that happens to other members, I don’t feel this is ever appropriate for an infidelity website.

No neither do I. I have been on the receiving end of one of these public shaming hand slaps on this forum. Funnily enough I got my hand slapped publically for doing what Safeguard has been chastised for *not* doing. I responded something like 11 or 12 times in one long thread, and the powers that be felt I was overstating my case and I was chastised accordingly (well like a naughty school child if I am honest). I pointed out (in private message) that another posted had posted 15+ plus times and many others had posted loads of times as well, all in the same thread and no one except me got the public wrist slap. It fell on deaf ears and I was told (more or less) it was time for me to shut up.

Safe is the last thing I feel on here if it comes to anything except “going with the flow”. I feel safe going with the flow, but know I will be banned in a heartbeat if I go against the grain (disagree with the vocal majority, or certain long standing members). Even though I am fairly certain I can state my case politely and calmly, I just know from experience it won’t get me anywhere except banned or sent to sit on the naughty step with a public dressing down.

There is a pattern of whacking publicly while demanding PM's to "discuss". There have been members banned then their history put on blast. There's only one reason for that shit. Pettiness.

Yes, I see that too. It would be so much more professional (not to mention fairer and more dignifying to those on the receiving end) to leave the wrist slaps to private message. To slap publicly but demand the person slapped defends their selves privately, is frankly very petty indeed.

No offense to our volunteer team, and I mean that sincerely, but it is not easy to trust. I have a need to question and see proof when I feel somebody has been wronged.

I'm not saying the staff are untrustworthy, but I am saying not all members have trust laying around to give out freely, we're too burned and scarred.

It also makes the rules feel arbitrary and clique-y.

Agree with all of that and just want to add “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.”

I think we ALL have a *DUTY* to question and look for proof when we feel someone is being treated unfairly.

I am taking this opportunity to purge the database a bit.

Anyone else want to go?

Want to go? No. Prepared to go? If that’s the price I have to pay for standing up for what I think is fair and just and right, hit the delete member button any time it suits you. Safeguard was humiliated publicly for “crimes” far lesser than many I see on here on a daily basis. I couldn’t live with myself if I sat back and said nothing just because it wasn’t me on the receiving end.

AnneOther, did you take the time to read the threads where the OP was attacking new members?

All this "fight for what's right" and nobody's done any research. And then everyone is up and arms when we present the data we've collected that clearly indicates where our guidelines have been broken.

I'm all for fighting for what's right. This dissent isn't noble. It's ignorant.

You want to make a public statement against staff you better expect to be whacked publicly. You can call it petty or evil. Our enemies will label us accordingly. But at the end of the day I know I'm fighting with the good guys.

hit the delete member button any time it suits you

Click

Here's the thing I can't quite understand.

If you (general term) are not happy here with the way things are run...you can leave at any time. You don't *have* to stay here. Because I promise we aren't changing the guideline due to a pack of bullies.

I would really love to see this thread die as would the other members of the staff team and many, many other members.

SI is about support...if you hate us, leave. If you like it here...stay.

Pretty simple

Now...lets show support to those that are hurting

Now...lets show support to those that are hurting

Well said, DS. Well said.

We have new members that could really use support, guidance, and to know they aren't alone. Let's show them how wonderful our members are.

Right? ITA with DS, who has personally (umm, virtually) slapped my hand. Your site, your rules. Yeah, I've disagreed with how things are handled sometimes, but hello? That's life, people. If I don't like it I can pony up $600/month for my own damn site. Take what works for you, and leave the rest...without getting your undies in a bunch.

It's like when I offer my kids vanilla ice cream and they complain that we don't have chocolate. More ice cream for me.