SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After reading Betrayed67's story...whilst I feel for her, I still think the "masturbation contract" is unreasonable. I firmly believe that masturbation is healthy and natural, and nobody should have the right to tell somebody else what they can and can't do with their very own body.

She's not telling him what he can and can't do - she's IMO very generously telling him what he can do if he wants to repair the marriage after his affair, and he has the right to say no and leave the marriage. Just like any of us do.

And yes, spouses tell each other all the time what they can't do with their body if they want to be married (such as don't have sex with someone besides me) and it's simply called a marital boundary. The other spouse gets to decide whether they accept that boundary to remain in the marriage.

To be very clear, I am NOT telling my husband what to do with his body. I am being clear on what I need to stay in the marriage. Masturbation was NOT healthy for my husband. And I will no longer play second fiddle to fantasies that I have zero chance of competing with. By your logic, it's also unfair to ask them to refrain from sleeping with other people. It's their bodies. Yep, that was another of my wh's justifications. What was unfair, was him doing things with his body, that negatively impacted mine (and my whole life) without my knowledge. Where was my choice? Oh, yeah, I didn't have one. All I am doing by making that my deal breaker, is taking control of what I want to do with MY body.

Sorry for getting you all worked up on this topic....

But what if:

Say a husband just found out his wife has had multiple affairs. She says that many men find her visually attractive and keep hitting on her. As a result of this constant attention - she had two affairs. Husband says......OK......we can fix this by taking away that temptation, and if you truly want to reconcile you will do what I ask. I want you to cut all your hair off and keep it off - that way men will no longer find you attractive and the problem will be solved. If you truly want R then you will do this.

Many on this site say that the partner in the wrong should do whatever the BS asks......or they are deemed to be not remorseful or not wanting R bad enough. Whether the request is unreasonable seems to be irrelevant.

My point is: The man telling his wife to cut all her hair off to solve the problem, is no different to my wife telling me to sign an agreement to stop masturbating forever. Some requests are just too extreme......and many people on this site seem to agree with me.

I am however - making great strides, along with my wife in bringing back harmony to our marriage. Remember D day was almost a year ago. We have been in MC and doing well.

I was genuinely just asking your opinions on masturbation as I was not sure if I was Normal or not. I just wanted to see what you all said. I was not trying to manipulate your answers against my wife, as I had no idea how you were all going to respond.

Thanks

This has nothing to do with hair.

Your dday was almost a year ago. Yet you got caught breaking an agreement about porn just last week. So you are still hiding,lying,etc. So, what have you learned in the last year? Why are you still lying to your wife? You say you are making "great strides"...yet you are still lying to a woman whose trust and heart you destroyed.

What is unreasonable is your wife trying to R with you after you exposed her to trich. What is unreasonable is your wife trying to R with you..a man who continues to lie to her and hide shit.

But she is still there..trying..right?

Her request may seem unreasonable to you. But,considering all you have put her through,and continue to put her through, does it really matter if her request is fair to you? You have been incredibly unfair to her. It may not seem fair, but if it makes her feel safer, why not do it?

It takes 3-5 years to heal from this shit...and that is if you have a remorseful WS. Many BS's would consider your recent lie/broken agreement a new dday. So while you may be technically almost a year out from the day you handed your BW a letter telling her you had not only cheated, but the OW had an STD and your BW had been exposed..the recent lies may have just set her healing WAY back. You may be a year out..she may be a week out,depending on HER perspective.

I hope you post on the wayward forum. Reconciling is difficult..they may be able to help you.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:59 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

@ steadfast1973

May I say, no one but you has the right to determine the conditions of your reconcilation.

Whether the conditions are reasonable or not to the outside world.

It is up to your WS to abide by those conditions or not. He has the choice to walk.

@ Man101

If your married and have a reasonable sex life why the need to masterbate?

I've been in a sexless marriage(consequence of my cheating) for almost four years. That's my excuse, what's yours?

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

ETA:

I hope you post on the wayward forum. Reconciling is difficult..they may be able to help you.

Come on over, we don't bite, Well not at first.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:22 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

It is very different. The comparison is juvenile. Asking someone who, whether he admits it or not, has a problem with masturbation to stop is not the same. She has the right to ask you to stop doing something that clearly hurts her. It is not unreasonable to ask that you stop hurting her. And she is being clear that this hurts her. Your attempts to get other BSes to bully her into changing her bounderies is manipulation. I don't care what I have said, Jesu has said, or anyone has said... What your wife is willing to accept into her life is her decision. Not mine, not yours, and not anyone else in this board. You have violated us, as well as her with this thread.

I did not come here to feel browbeaten into lowering my boundaries. Neither did your wife. And we are here, being attacked (it sure feels like it) for asking our WHs to stop doing something that hurts us, and impedes our healing. By other BSs... That's some BS (and i don't mean Betrayed Spouse).

@slow. Thank you. I am getting maybe too worked up by this thread. But I do feel violated by it. I can't imagine how his wife is feeling right now.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:05 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Man101, you are not fooling the masses here who know what a remorseful WS looks like. Based on what you've written here, IMO, you don't fall in that category.

Yes my wife's opinion does matter........but when her opinion seems to be different to the vast majority, that gives me concern.

When you include the word.....BUT it really does negate her opinion.

What's going to happen when the masses post on this thread that you are not remorseful and you need to do work on this.....it's already happening.....are you going to listen to them?

Stop the bullshit analogies.

I am however - making great strides, along with my wife in bringing back harmony to our marriage. Remember D day was almost a year ago. We have been in MC and doing well.

Maybe you need to read your wife's profile. Her being heartbroken again as of 7 days ago by new information you withheld and now this post and how you've gone about that, does not equal great strides in harmony.

I find it interesting your (first) posts have not once mentioned the word affair or anything about your wife's feelings or reasons behind for her request, instead only about the unreasonable demands she is trying to on you.

Betrayed67, read about living with a passive aggressive man. It may bring you some help. Take care of yourself.

Making great strides? Would your wife agree with that? Because you just got caught with porn a week ago.

Your analogy of cutting hair to prevent an affair just shows you truly don't get it. You have not fully understood the impact of your actions. Fighting for your "right" to masturbate over your wife's emotional safety is selfish. The fact that your so hell bent on proving that people are on your side (which, reread, not as many are as you think) is manipulative.

It isn't extreme to save yourself sexually for your spouse. It is actually very amazing. The build up, the passion, etc. Again, no one has ever died from lack of jacking off.

I think some attention needs to be paid to the core of why she believes masturbation in the context you are talking about it is unacceptable. You mention in your original post that you've been married 13 years and she is now age 46 and she was a virgin when you married. I am inclined to believe that she is a person of strong moral beliefs, likely religious and probably conservative in values. Perhaps this is why she believes that masturbation in any form is unfaithful to the marriage and against her values.

Seek a MC who has special training in intimacy and sexual issues so you BOTH can dig deeper into this issue. It needs to be looked at from all angles so both of you are fully informed about it and can operate from the same knowledge base. You need to see her point of view, and she needs to see yours. And then you both need to see the positives and negatives.

Just to clarify: The porn my wife found on my phone was actually date stamped July 2013. She found that on my phone only a week ago.......it was actually downloaded 6 months ago. Since then, yes I have been making excellent progress.

Might I also add........just to keep you all entertained. I have been masturbating since about the age of 8, and I can fairly accurately arrive at that date due to other things going on at that time. And at age 8 I can't imagine that I had too many pornographic images going through my mind - maybe I just did it because it felt good.

Impossible you all say.......(well most of you).

July is when you downloaded it, it doesn't mean you haven't watched it since then, I'm just saying.

Now you're just goading us though. I'm not sure you actually wanted real opinions, you just wanted to be right.

And Samantha......

Thank you for that. I can confirm (whether you believe me or not does not bother me), that I have NEVER watched that downloaded porn on my phone since it was downloaded in July. In fact I did not even know it was there..........had I.........I would have deleted it.

I'd like to ask again, what is more important? Healing your marriage or masturbating?

My wife and I (who is sitting beside me) would like to put an end to this thread as we both think it is now getting out of hand.

Can someone tell us how to contact the moderator and ask that they end this tread?

Truly.......I and my wife thank you for all your input.

Good night (it is 4:30am here)

If your married and have a reasonable sex life why the need to masterbate?

I've been in a sexless marriage(consequence of my cheating) for almost four years. That's my excuse, what's yours?

You know, it's impolite not to answer direct questions.

Or are they too hard?

If they are too hard, maybe that's something you need to look at closely.

Just something to ponder.YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 9:32 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

I think the context he describes is not the reality of the situation. I mean... The pornography jus downloaded itself onto his phone... He didn't even know it was there.

Several direct questions weren't answered. I think it's too hard.

Man101...

We will lock this thread since you are the original author, but please do not make this a habit as we really hate locking threads.