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(1) Within a marriage where there is a significant difference in need for sex between partners, is masturbation an acceptable way to assist with the difference in need?

(2) If you answered Yes to question (1), is solo masturbation acceptable, or should any such masturbation always involve the other partner?

(3) Some people, both Male and Female, describe non-lust masturbation, where it is simply the outlet for a physical need, with no mental imagery taking place - simply the enjoyment of making yourself feeling nice. My question is, do you believe it is possible for either males or females to have such "Non-Lust" masturbation?

There is no universal answer to 1 and 2. Being married is about finding the happy medium for all of that. You discuss and work out what you are both comfortable with. If your wife is not comfortable with you masturbating alone at all, but your sex drive is much higher, then IMO she needs to be willing to make herself available more than she normally would be in order to help you accommodate her comfort zone - by helping accommodate yours. Bear in mind this is in a normal, healthy M - if you are close to dday you need to be doing whatever you can to make her feel safe if you want to reconcile and while possibly discussing these things, don't expect her in a wounded state to rise to the occasion. Once enough trust has been restored, you go to these discussions.

As for 3.. seems odd IMO.

I'm not telling my husband what to do with his body. He can do whatever he wants... But... I can, as well. I never want to feel like i felt for the 6 or 7 months prior to dday. I never want to feel like i've felt since dday. My husband is unable to handle it in a healthy manner... So, in order to maintain a healthy marriage, he chooses not to masturbate. If he chooses to walk down that path, again, he can... But i will also choose to not walk it with him. To my h, porn/masturbation is a drug. If he wants to do his drug, he will do it out of my life. This will not be my life. I felt like you all do with the whole "not telling him what to do with his body" 4 years ago. I didn't set my boundaries. And I got dday2 out of it.

Oh, he had convinced himself that my libido was gone, he had convinced himself that he was more interested in sex, and therefore had to masturbate (and escalalted to sex outside of our marriage). None of that was true. What ever "disinterest" I "had" was in his mind.

Perhaps you are using that to justify your actions. Talk to HER about it.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 8:00 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Do I think it's ok for both partners to masturbate? Sure as long as there isn't some issue with compulsive/addictive behaviors.

I do think that if you are involved in a relationship where one partner wants it much more than the other there are probably some underlying issues and concerns that need to be dealt with, and discussed, if not I could see that it would become the elephant in the room, and widen the gap in communication.

So if your spouse is the undersexed partner in your relationship you need to explore all the reasons for this. I would ponder these questions. I do not expect you to answer these on this forum....

1. Does she truly orgasm from intercourse? If not does she reach orgasm in other ways? If so do you provide those ways when you are intimate?

If not what is holding you back?

2. When you have intercourse, and intimate time together is she relaxed, and able to not worry about all the other problems in life, from kids, to chores, to job stuff?

(This was a big problem for me in enjoying our time together when the kids were small there was just too much to do, and worry about. The biggest turn on for me was to take some of that burden away, like coming home from work to find dinner made, and the laundry done, oh baby, he was gonna get lucky on those nights).

3. Is she terribly inhibited? Afraid to be seen naked? Doesn't like, or won't consider porn, as a method of getting the engines warmed up? Is there any use of toys or assistive devices like vibrators to also help?

If she is then I would urge you buy her these things, and let her know that you are not judging, and her pleasure is much more important than yours.

I can honestly say, and am proof that the better the sex the more I want it, and when it's not so great, the less I want it. We had a pretty good sex life throughout our relationship, granted there were times when the kids were small that it dropped off to one time a week, but I can tell you since Dday, and R we are quite active in the bedroom, including things that involve toys, mutual masturbation, and of sex.

There should be no shame in masturbation, it is a natural urge, we are so sexually repressed in American society that women are really reluctant to partake in it, but it can be really freeing, and often provides a great release from stress, and life.

I think self masturbation is a natural urge and when done in moderation it is healthy and is a stress reliever..

Problems arise when masturbation becomes compulsive behavior

overshadowing other aspects of everyday life.. Good examples are masturbating at work or at home with the door open and kids present in the house..When masturbation becomes this extreme it is sick..

My WH masturbated to porn so often that he was desensitized..In sex with me it took him the better part of an hour to finish and by that time I was exhausted and hurting (arthritis) and frustrated..He would blame me for his inability to finish and was insensitive to my frustrations...

Nothing wrong with my sex drive, but during the time that WH was having an A he was impossible to get along with....My feelings didn't mean anything to WH, he was too self centered.. I got to the point where I would rather hold a live slug in my hand than have sex with WH....

Bottom line ..Addressing the difference in need for sex between partners requires RESPECT and KINDNESS for the other partner's feelings..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:49 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

If you are in a relationship, I believe something you should discuss so both you and your spouse are ok with it.

Being a Porn Addict myself, I wouldn't do it...I would like to but due to my situation I can't.

If you are single, sure but in moderation. Don't let it take over your life kind of thing.

My husband never masturbated as a teen. He didn't start until well into our marriage. I was his "only". He initially used it as a quick release. He says that I'm "a lot of work" and masturbation was faster for that quick stress release. I get it - I really do. I have done it for the exact same reason if he wasn't home.

However, he started to use internet porn to help him complete the task. When that wasn't enough, he progressed to interactive porn, and so on and so on - down the rabbit hole he fell. The worst part for me is that I was there the whole time begging for more sex. We were only having sex once or twice a week. I wanted more but he always had an excuse. I didn't know that he was doing this stuff every night after I went to bed.

Four OW and a 10 month separation later, solo masturbation and porn are now deal breakers for me. They are the pathway for him to fall down the hole again. I can't take that chance again so they are off the table.

In a healthy relationship, I believe masturbation is fine. I just think that in situations that led all of us to be here, it should not be used.

As for your wife's low drive, maybe she hasn't discovered enough about her own body to know what will get her going. She may need your help if she is shy. Why not experiment with different things to help her blossom?

TXBW68, that was exactly how things were here. Exactly. He had no need for masturbation, yet did it to the extreme, while rejecting me completely.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 3:06 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

I think personally that masturbation is a natural thing TO A POINT.

When I was with my crazy ex, I had a high sex drive, I would masturbate and video or take certain pics to send to him. Always did it to thoughts of HIM and it was a turn on for him.

HOWEVER, He is crazy, and has had many many affairs with both men and women that I recently found out about. He was not a masturbation person so to speak but I think in a marriage it can be healthy and a tease if done right.

Maybe your wife, just needs counseling to show it is NOT WRONG to touch yourself and to get off so to speak.

Now I am single, and I do it like Suzy when I have severe insomnia and anxiety as it does help. ALOT!

And yes you can have non-lust masturbation......

I think the analogy to drinking is good. For many people, the occasional drink is ok, but for alcoholics it definitely isn't.

My H used masturbation & porn to excess & has agreed post-A that it is best if he abstains completely from porn & masturbation if I am not with him (or on the other end of the phone, as we're LD ).

My personal view of porn is that it is an evil & exploitative industry & I will not accept it at all in my marriage.

Interesting question about non-lustful masturbation. Not the case for me, but others may be able to.

If the difference in sex drive between partners is very extreme, perhaps couple's counseling with a sex therapist, rather than sending your wife to "fix" her problem? More focus on intimacy/ touching which doesn't have to lead to intercourse?

This has been my first ever post on this site - and it has resulted in some really interesting responses. Both my wife and I have read all responses.

One thing is - I don't personally think that someone with a low or lower sex drive needs to be "fixed". If for them, sex 2 times a month is all they need, who am I to suggest that they really should be having it 10 times a month. In her world she is not broken - so why does someone need to "fix" her? From her point of view, her partner wanting sex 10 times a month is excessive - and she might possibly call him oversexed or a sex addict.

I am not saying this is the case in my own marriage.

We do possibly have a difference in need for sex - but not as extreme.

One thing.......in a situation where one partner is a virgin on wedding day (and has never masturbated), neither partner really has any idea of what the future sex drive will be for that virgin.

All interesting stuff.

Interesting Update

My wife has been a Member of this site for almost a year, and has spent a lot of time on here in our recovery. I am very new here. My wife pays a lot of attention to what is said on here and the views of Members. I was in fact worried that she was a bit addicted to this site.

I had questions in my mind about Masturbation - so I suggested to my wife that I should put those questions to YOU the members of a group my wife thinks are credible. My wife read the questions I posted and was happy with them. We then sat back to waited for replies.

Many of you replied - in fact more than I expected. And many of your gave great and extended answers.

Around 90% of you (of which most were women) said that you felt Masturbation within Marriage was fine. And around 80% of you also were happy for solo masturbation to occur - as long as this was not with porn or if there was a problem with excessive masturbation.

I, am in no way, am addicted or are involved in excessive masturbation. It is something I might do (without porn) on the odd occasion to get to sleep or assist with stress. And I do find it possible to masturbate without any imagery at all, just enjoying the feeling. (When I eat chocolate, I can also just enjoy the taste, I don't always think about chocolate Easter Eggs, or Peanut Slabs - I can eat chocolate - and just enjoy the taste without any imagery at all).

After reading all of these helpful posts, my wife now wants to really disregard what you, as a group have said, and now wants me to Sign an Agreement - to say that I will NEVER participate in solo masturbation again.

I must say that I am a little disappointed that my wife is happy to take your advice, as a group, on board when it supports her theories and needs, but when you as a group "massively" support something that she does not like, she then wants me to sign an agreement going AGAINST what you as a group have suggested.

Not fair I think. What do you think?

You are the WS, correct?

Hello Steadfast1973.

Being new here I am still learning things. I am not sure what WS is. My understanding is, my wife is BS.

I know that you are not entirely in favour of Masturbation - although you are OK with it in moderation. I am in no way addicted to porn or masturbation.

Also keep in mind that there have been periods in my 13 year marriage where we had no sex at all for Many Weeks in a row, and that is with me living in the same house all those weeks. So should that happen again - should I be expected to keep my signed agreement of No Solo Masturbation........ever again?

I must say that I am a little disappointed that my wife is happy to take your advice, as a group, on board when it supports her theories and needs, but when you as a group "massively" support something that she does not like, she then wants me to sign an agreement going AGAINST what you as a group have suggested.

Not fair I think. What do you think?

Since you are new here -- these are always hot button topics. And since you asked -- what do I think? Now it appears you are trying to use the opinions of the 'majority' of people you polled against your wife and to get people to side with you. It appears manipulative.

Who cares what other people think about masturbation. None of the people on this thread are in your marriage. Their opinions don't matter. However, your wife's opinion should matter and it appears now you are discounting it, with a big finger pointing AHA of using her SI membership against her. Not a wise move for a WS (wayward spouse) when trying to recover from an affair, IMO.

Your wife must have a reason for feeling the way she does. Discuss it with her. Are you both in IC and MC?

Dixie and I were cross posting..My suggestion is the same..Have a heart to heart with yourself and also your wife.. She needs to be open and honest with you as to why she feels this way...You in return need to express to her that her feelings have been heard and understood correctly.. She needs to know that her feelings are considered in the things that you say or do whether or not you agree with her..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:54 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Hey DixieD

Thanks for your input. No I am not trying to be manipulative. I (and I thought my wife too), was just trying to clarify what others thought about an issue (in this case Masturbation), as I was not sure of my own stand on the issue.

Yes my wife's opinion does matter........but when her opinion seems to be different to the vast majority, that gives me concern.

If your husband made you sign an agreement that said you could drive your car no faster than 15mph (20kmh), would you sign it while getting counselling for both of you? And there is no guarantee that counselling would have any effect - as your husband might not take any notice of the advice from the counsellor. So you end up driving 15mph for life to keep your husband happy.

Yes we are both in marriage counselling - same counsellor. But again......is my wife only selectively taking advice from that counsellor, and rejecting what does not fit with her? Is the counsellor advice any different to the majority view of a large group of married people - such as this forum?

WS is the wayward spouse. Ie; the one who went outside of the marriage.

I agree with DixieD. What you are doing is blameshifting, and manipulating. "She is undersexed". "Her drive is less than yours". Oh, trust me i've heard that before. Sure we went MONTHS without sex. MONTHS both of us masturbating alone. I wanted sex. My sex drive is not nonexistant, despite him using that as an "excuse" to cheat. I want sex EVERYDAY. Twice, if I can. and that's not just hysterical bonding... (HB for me is insane... ) i'm not sure where he got that his sex drive was more than mine, but he really believed it...

My husband would never have believed he had a problem masturbating, and before his prostitute encounter, he'd be saying all of the things you are... If i suggested he sign a paper agreeing to not masturbate alone, he'd be up in arms about how unfair it was. But now? He is the one who instituted the no masturbation rule.

(And if I had already proven myself to be an irresponsible driver, and put my family at risk while doing so, I would think that my husband would have the right to tell me, I can't drive over 20 mph. Heck, at that point, i'd hand him my keys -just as he has in regards to his issues with porn/masturbation)

I know this thread is supposed to be about masturbation...I apologize if this is off topic a little...

When you mentioned that you were asked by your wife to sign an agreement you gave us the analogy of driving... This triggered some thoughts for me that I wanted to share.....

We all take advice from others in selective ways..We take what resonates with us and leave the rest..I'm not saying that it is fair or right to ignore all the advice from the counselors ( if the counselors are any good)

Some things we will want to do cheerfully for our loved ones,( for life) in a way that keeps them happy even if we would rather do these things differently..

For the most part the happy recipient will thank us and make us feel appreciated and blessed..It is worth the risk and the work...

I will venture to say that this give and take works well in relationships that are HEALTHY, maybe not so well in relationships that are dysfunctional..

Talk with each other to tweak out a balance of give and take in your lives that makes you both feel happy and appreciated..And give it time to take effect, lots of time..Reassess..Talk again..

What do each of you consider deal breakers? Let each other know what kind of treatment you refuse to put up with..

It helps to pick your battles and work with each other

The road towards healing and growth( for both of you) is gonna be long and exhausting...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:55 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

As a BS, I asked my H to stop solo masturbation. Did he want to stop? Probably not, but he immediately agreed because he knew it was important to me. If I had to go so far as to poll others to try to convince him, or write up an agreement, it would have pushed me right over the edge. No one else can decide what's right for you two, but I think consideration for your wife's feelings should have the heaviest weight, if you truly want reconciliation.