SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello. First time here.....in fact first post I have ever made on this site.

Background: I am the WH, my wife is also a member on this site. D day was Jan 2013. We are still married and together and working on our marriage. On our wedding day, my wife was a virgin (for real), and I was not. Married now for 13 years. Me aged 53, wife aged 46.

In helping me to get my mind straight, I have various questions which I know would help both me and my wife if you could give your opinions.

Awesome......my wife and I thank you. This will really help us......and possibly others on here.

(1) Within a marriage where there is a significant difference in need for sex between partners, is masturbation an acceptable way to assist with the difference in need?

(2) If you answered Yes to question (1), is solo masturbation acceptable, or should any such masturbation always involve the other partner?

(3) Some people, both Male and Female, describe non-lust masturbation, where it is simply the outlet for a physical need, with no mental imagery taking place - simply the enjoyment of making yourself feeling nice. My question is, do you believe it is possible for either males or females to have such "Non-Lust" masturbation?

Thank you. I do have a number of other questions, but that will get the ball rolling.....

.

.

.

.

Interesting Update (3 Days after initial Post)

My wife has been a Member of this site for almost a year, and has spent a lot of time on here in our recovery. I am very new here. My wife pays a lot of attention to what is said on here and the views of Members. I was in fact worried that she was a bit addicted to this site.

I had questions in my mind about Masturbation - so I suggested to my wife that I should put those questions to YOU the members of a group my wife thinks are credible. My wife read the questions I posted and was happy with them. We then sat back and waited for replies.

Many of you replied - in fact more than I expected. And many of you gave great and extended answers.

Around 90% of you (of which most were women) said that you felt Masturbation within Marriage was fine. And around 80% of you also were happy for solo masturbation to occur - as long as this was not with porn or in cases where there was a problem with excessive masturbation.

I, am in no way, am addicted or are involved in excessive masturbation. It is something I might do (without porn) on the odd occasion to get to sleep or assist with stress. And I do find it possible to masturbate without any imagery at all, just enjoying the feeling. (When I eat chocolate, I can just enjoy the taste, I don't always think about chocolate Easter Eggs, or Peanut Slabs - I can eat chocolate - and just enjoy the taste without any imagery at all).

After reading all of these helpful posts, my wife now wants to really disregard what you, as a group have said, and now wants me to Sign an Agreement - to say that I will NEVER participate in solo masturbation again.

I must say that I am a little disappointed that my wife is happy to take your advice, as a group, on board when it supports her theories and needs, but when you as a group "Massively" support something that she does not like, she then wants me to sign an agreement going AGAINST what you as a group have suggested and recommended.

Not fair I think. What do you think?

[This message edited by Man101 at 6:02 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Your profile is set up as a female, yet you say you are the WH. One of those is not right.

As far as the questions go, I'd say maybe, yes, and I doubt it.

Others may have different answers.

I may be going out on a limb here, but in my opinion, a marriage with a significant difference in need for sex is a marriage with issues. Big issues.

I lived that for a long time, and remained faithful anyway. Frustrated, unhappy, accused of being oversexed... but faithful.

Looking back, I should have decided to force the issue and make my X choose: Counseling, and resolve the sex issue, or divorce.

It wasn't even the lack of sex that was my biggest problem; it was the lack of sympathy and the judgmental disrespect that went along with it.

Opps.....sorry. Very new here. Just changed my profile. Yes I am in fact a Male.....not a Female as my profile had said.

I think giving a naturally low sexed partner the option of going to counselling to correct them......or divorce, a little bit harsh. Some people are just naturally low sexed and all the counselling in the world may not change that. In the case of a virgin on the wedding day, they probably don't know they are "low sexed" until after they are married.

Solely as an example:

Lets's say that I am having an A. My XH wants sex 1x a day, I want it 2x a day & OM wants it 3x a day. Who's high, low & medium sexed? All a matter of perspective is my point.

Some people are just naturally low sexed and all the counselling in the world may not change that.

Agreed. I think some sort of compromise is in order. I don't see how counselling is going to help.

As for your original questions:

1. yes

2. yes & ideally, yes to the second part, at least sometimes

3. no

Man101,

1) yes

2)solo acceptable, but good to also include partner

3)no

Years ago when having couples counseling as part of family counseling, I was depressed. The counselor told us sex with orgasm 3 x a week, if achieving orgasm by masturbation 5 x a week. I found that interesting in that she considered sex with orgasm more powerful than masturbation with orgasm.

I think giving a naturally low sexed partner the option of going to counselling to correct them......or divorce, a little bit harsh. Some people are just naturally low sexed and all the counselling in the world may not change that. In the case of a virgin on the wedding day, they probably don't know they are "low sexed" until after they are married.

I said:

Counseling, and resolve the sex issue, or divorce.

and I said:

It wasn't even the lack of sex that was my biggest problem; it was the lack of sympathy and the judgmental disrespect that went along with it.

It is conceivable that the issue could have been resolved with changes on both sides. It is possible that the marriage could have been saved through counseling. Lots of things are possible.

I agree that we would likely have remained sexually incompatible. I needed better tools to deal with that. As it turns out, so did she. We didn't seek those tools, and she decided to achieve her sexual awakening outside the marriage.

That did not end well.

I think masturbation is perfectly natural and acceptable. As long as you don't prefer masturbation over your partner then I don't see a problem.

Yes, Yes, and Yes.

Masturbation get an undeserved bad rap and it drives me crazy. We are allowed to touch ourselves....period.

If the husband and wife do not agree, then trouble will be ahead. Go to MC. If one partner has a low sex drive, seeing a doctor can also help...so many medical conditions can cause low sex drive. Also, pelvic floor therapy for women can greatly increase drive and comfort.

The last question is a bit complicated. I do think that that someone can masturbate without extensive mind visualizations and that it can be just a nice thing to do for your self. being touched feels good, increases your mood and satisfaction in life. If your spouse isn't touching you, touch yourself.

Yes, Yes, and Yes.

Masturbation get an undeserved bad rap and it drives me crazy. We are allowed to touch ourselves....period.

absolutely. I have terrible insomnia and sometimes it just helps me get back to sleep. I'm not feeling sexual at all really. Also it helps with cramps. Sometimes I wake up and my period has started and the cramps are going off, I take some pills, knock one off and by the time the cramps are starting to come back the pills are starting to kick in and I can get back to sleeping. I have a friend who uses it to get rid of his terrible headaches. And even if it is isn't for 'medicinal' purposes or just to relax who cares it belongs to me.

I had a girlfriend who thought it was terrible thing to do since I had her and that it was wrong somehow if I was in a relationship that should have been a huge red flag for me.

Frankly it isn't that your wife was a virgin at marriage that is a concern it's that she was a 33 year old virgin and that is disconcerting. It rather conveys a huge lack of sexual motivation in one's life in general under most circumstances. I think a huge difference in sexual appetites is very hard to overcome in a long term relationship however; if there is and two people can find their way through it, I can't imagine in what world I think closing the option to other sexual experiences (which is one primary thing marriage entails) and then asking someone to put up with my lack of interest that also includes them not being able to masturbate is remotely okay.

Thanks Syzy for your comments, all very helpful. I am not concerned that my wife was a virgin at age 33, in fact I admire her for that. We are Christians, which is the reason for this. I had been married before, which is the reason I was not a virgin.

In general, I have no issues with masturbation.

However, for my husband it's a whole different animal. He's a sex addict a year and a half into recovery. Masturbation is off the table for him.

Why?

Because he compulsively masturbated before. Usually 3-4 times a day, in addition to sex. He would do it at work, in his car, whenever, where ever. He would get a visual of someone, get very agitated and he HAD to have that release. Until he did, he could not focus on anything but that release.

He also looked at porn daily and masturbated to it. It took away intimacy from us and our sex life. It actually desensitized him to the point that he had a very difficult time having an orgasm through sex.

Most SA therapists and groups advocate no masturbation. Because it can lead to compulsive patterns. It can lead to fantasy thoughts, it can lead to acting out with porn, and it can lead to further acting out. For a sex addict, it can be a gateway so to speak.

So for my husband, he has chosen NOT to masturbate solo. We have TOGETHER, be he doesn't alone.

But for the average person, I don't see it as an issue unless it is replacing intimacy in the marriage or taking place of sex.

I think masturbation is perfectly natural and acceptable. As long as you don't prefer masturbation over your partner then I don't see a problem.

this. however, if the spouse is a SA then that's like leaving an alcoholic alone with a drink. It must be off the table...

i too think that masturbation gets a bad rap.

i just learned how to do it myself at age 45 (yes you read that right) so I have some making up to do.

Hubby and I both had affairs. I would not be mad at all if he occasionally did this.

Yes

No

No

I think "non-lust" masturbation is just fine (do it till it falls off if it makes you feel good). But everything in moderation seems to work for many things in life.

From where I'm sitting your Q3 may be possible but seems highly improbable. I've got a porn-addicted husband who masturbates in front of a computer looking at 20-year-olds with big tits and tight butts on a regular basis. Not healthy for the marriage.

I don't know how anyone masturbates without the mental imagery you mention.

Thanks Syzy for your comments, all very helpful. I am not concerned that my wife was a virgin at age 33, in fact I admire her for that. We are Christians, which is the reason for this. I had been married before, which is the reason I was not a virgin.

I think having values and waiting until it is the right time is really commendable. There is absolutely nothing wrong in that at all, quite the contrary. I'm generalizing here but I've just noticed that for most people to hold off this long usually indicates something other than their values like very low desire. I know times have changed and life spans have increased with better disease management but there is a reason people in history were married off as teenagers for the most part and some of it isn't due to life span.

In any case I'm glad I could answer some of your questions. I'm sure there are times masturbation includes images and desire for sure. But really there have been times when it is utilitarian in nature and I'm not thinking of anything just concentrating on the sensation so I can get the final result which is usually to get my body to relax. For the most part I think its a very healthy activity unless it is being utilized as a form of interference in ones intimate relationship with another. And in that case masturbation really isn't normally the issue it's addiction or other emotional disconnection.

Yes

Yes (solo is fine)

Why does this matter?

Unless there is a sex addition, porn addiction, or some OCD involving obsessive masturbation, I think trying to tell someone if they are allowed to touch themselves or not is really going overboard on the control spectrum.

There are a lot of articles from psychiatrists and other experts that discuss this subject. That may be a better place to find answers to this, although this was fun

My wh is a porn/masturbation addict. It is off the table for him. Because, it causes him to forget about me, and my needs. Even without the porn, my sex drive is higher than his. A lot. So I don't find myself on the same path he was, masturbation is off the table for me, too. Unless it is mutual, and involves him.

1) Yes

2) Yes, but it would be nice if both people where involved.

3) Absolutely possible with no imagery of any sort.

1. Yes

2. Yes

3. No

I would never let someone tell me what I can't and can't do with my own body. My body is my business. Masturbation is natural and healthy, and I find that in many relationships masturbation is unfairly stigmatised.

My WSO masturbated to porn whilst denying me a sexual relationship and cheating on me...and I still wouldn't dream of telling her she couldn't masturbate now. Of course, we are heading towards R, and our sex life has improved 100% since DD...so she has no real need to masturbate much now.

I would say yes to all three. Speaking from personal experience as a female. Not sure if men are wired the same.