SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS here. A few thoughts.

First, the longer you leave it before telling your H the worse it'll be. I found out a year after my H finished his LTA. That was bad enough, but I told him how much worse it would have been 10 years down the line. 10 more years of living a lie.At least the honesty is now in place. If you reconcile there will always be a chance the A will be outed later, and how much worse for your H that would be, especially if he finds all the advice you've been given on SI and ignored. Imagine living with such a huge secret all the time, no way could you have true intimacy with your H whilst covering up such a huge lie.

Yes he must have access to everything so don't delete. It's up to him how much he wants to see. Be honest about the number of times, where and when. Thank god my H had the decency not to take OW into our bed, twice in his study in our house was bad enough - that room has now been stripped out, no trace of it's former use anywhere.I'd have burnt our bed if she'd been anywhere near it. House stripped of any trace of OW.

I personally wanted all details, including reading all e-mails (which I found anyway, blowing A wide open)- not pretty reading but I've done with them now. He needs to know you went on holiday together.

You might not understand why we need to know so much. For me it was like fitting bits of a jig-saw together,so many things which had been inexplicable suddenly all slotted into place and I could make sense of much of our bad times in the marriage - no I wasn't making things up, there was a reason why things were the way they were.I bet your H knows something is up,particularly if he notices you're not sleeping well, but just can't put his finger on it.

Finally, you've never actually said what's in these imaginary e-mails to AP. What's so important that you need to talk to him about? He's had enough to the extent of breaking it off with you, you're not someone he wants to spend his life with,what more do you need to discuss?

Sal, I feel bad for my husband too. and I imagine that when and if I decide to confess to my husband then all my writing in my head will be to him because that will become the main focus.

^^^^this is EXACTLY what should be happening right now.You asked what to do about stopping the e-mails in your head to your AP, seems to me you've answered you own question.

You are correct in saying that the majority of waywards are on here because they got caught . The fact that you have not been caught yet does not mean the AP spouse may not get mad at some point and out you. The other point that you had no intention of stopping if he had not broken it off means that you will do this again with another man at some point because whatever caused you to stray in the first place cannot really be fixed because your husband is clueless . Either way, you are in trouble.

confused43...BS here...

You should tell him. Let him determine how much of the details. As a BS, I would have rather heard it from my WW, then through all the research I did to discover it myself.

Also, I just recently out'ed the A to the AP's SO. She was in complete shock. I didn't know her from any other person. Lives an hour and a half away, and I have never met her in real life. It didn't really take much searching to find out who she was either. A simple google search and I had her name.

My point to this is, Don't let your BS learn of the A from someone else, he deserves to hear it from you!!!

This kind of feedback is not helpful. I can't control where my mind heads when I'm trying to sleep. I would love suggestions but what you are saying is about as far from helpful as one gets. You just like saying it over and over "you fucked up, you need to suffer and pay, you fucked up" yes I know I did ok, and so did you. So go look in the mirror and tell yourself the same thing if you need to but throwing it back in my face or trying to get your post count up by saying stuff like this is not constructive. I can control my actions and choices but I can't always control where my mind goes, as a WS I would think you could understand that. Afterall if we were all so gifted in intelligence and common sense we wouldn't be in this situation, but we are all dumbshits that thought we could handle it. guess what....every WS here couldn't handle it, so I'm joining the club whether you want me here or not.

No, I do not like throwing it in your face. That's not what I'm doing.

Also my post Count means very little to me, what means the most to me is that waywards get healed

I don't take pleasure in "Just pushing your face in it" What I do take pleasure in is you realizing what you are doing to your husband and family

Pining for some om and writing emails to him in your mind will get you nowhere in healing, Yes I've been there and Someone had to wake me up out of that too. It's a harsh reality what you have done. I know because I did it too and the only way to combat manufactured lies is to hit them with hard truth. I am sympathetic to your situation, however I, neither any other WS will be

sympathetic to you wasting energy on an AP that could be used to helping you, your husband and your marriage heal

there is a rule of thumb here. If a statement strikes a nerve then it should be explored.

My statement that you quoted was not Said in malice, but you took it that way. I will refrain from posting to you from now on and wish you good luck inyour healing

Hi Confused:

We seem to have a lot in common. I just posted my story in my profile if you care to read.

I too write emails in my head but they are not professing love - they are angry, tell you what I think of you and what you did to me emails. There will never be closure as someone said. You just have to try your best to move on. I am 10 months out and I still have thoughts of him. Some days I miss the person I thought was my best friend - he wasn't, I do sometimes miss the passion and intimacy but a lot of the time I am just angry.

My husband and I just went away for nine days -part for my job and part for fun (a trip the AP was supposed to be on with me, as we planned to move forward after the holidays last year and would be able to be together 10 months later). I was not sure how this was going to go. We had a wonderful time, reconnected, spent time together and with friends and I didn't think once about AP the whole time. I was too busy enjoying the time with my husband and friends.

Every A is different, feelings are different, circumstances are different. I know a lot of people say it couldn't' be real love. I don't believe that - after five years there was definitely love. Messed up love but love none the less. It takes time to get over the heartache and feeling stupid about your choices. It takes time to really look and see what is in front of you clearly and appreciate it. It is not easy. I have chosen at this time not to tell my H. I like you think it would cause more hurt when we are doing so well. That may change but for now that is where I am. Working on me and us and I am trying to enjoy my family and give them the effort that AP got before. Keep in touch and I would be happy to listen, support, and help in any way I can. Understand everyone has days and it is hard to keep AP out of your head - it gets easier.

floridaredman

You should keep responding with your thoughts. When I came on here Just Desserts was pretty tough on me, in fact - I felt brutal and not very nice. A lot of what was said was true when I reread it now months later.

Everyone doesn't communicate in the same manner -some tell it like it is, as they see it, no filter and others are softer about it. Clarrissa, MC Jack, and outtamymind as well as a few others were wonderful and great and gave me a ton to think about. There are many more that I like to read and see what they have to say that I have not had contact with.

Some things that I was told I didn't like to hear, some I didn't agree with, and some I did and learned from. Some I didn't like at the time but now when I look back on what they said to me or look at their posts/advice to others some things hit home to me.

Everyone here is really trying to help. Some people you connect with and others not as much. It boils down to people trying to help each other. If you stop posting, it would be a shame because someone may read this later and that little bell may go off for them because of what you have shared.

I feel no one can help or connect with everyone but if you can help one person it is worth it.

Another thing I have learned on this terrible journey. Besides a couple of life-long friends my Husband is the only person in this world who has my back - through good and bad. I didn't have his for a while there and I feel terrible about it. I do now and will continue to do so. To think I almost messed that up for a person who's only back they have ever had was their own.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 2:00 PM, January 10th (Friday)]

I went through a time of writing the emails in my head. I'm sorry to say that at first they were missing him emails, then they turned to hating him and cursing him for what he did to me. When I finally confessed to my BH all that quickly stopped.

And, by the way, I was stupid and confused to be angry with the OM for what he did to me because I did it to myself just like he was the source of his own self destruction. I knew I was married. I was aware of the vows I made and no one made me break them.

I get that you are working up to confessing. I had to work up to it too. But I do regret waiting. There were several opportunities when I could have/should have confessed and I didn't. I so wish I would have now. I wish I would have confessed before it became an EA and then confessed before it became a PA.

I went through a period of not being sure about my love for my BH. I can tell you that as soon as I got my head out of my ass my love for my BH was very clear and still is. I don't see him as perfect, but I do see him as the only man on earth I love and want to be with. I choose every single day to love him and I feel it most acutely when I am finding opportunities to show that love by my actions. The more I exert myself in doing things that show my love for my BH the more strongly I feel it. He shows his love for me through actions to and it brings tears to my eyes. Just holding a door for me or pulling out my chair, a kind word…. It means so much because he is choosing to love me in spite of what I did.

Sorry for the ramble.

Mental NC. You really CAN do it. Big red stop sign in your mind every. single. time. he comes into your head. Wear a rubber band on your wrist and pop it HARD when the thoughts of him come. I did those two things and it worked. He doesn't deserve your headspace, but your BH does and so do you. You have to get to a place where you can work on you and I don't think you can get much traction on that until you are being honest with your BH and with yourself.

For me I had to have authenticity throughout. I had to be able to work on being completely authentic at all times. I couldn't call in sick, tell "little white lies", nothing. Made me talk a lot slower and got me some crazy looks but that's what I needed to even get started.

I wish you well on healing yourself and your family.

I've been out all day today and am just now getting a chance to respond. Thank you all for your input.

The emails in my head to AP are not loving and how great we were together but more about frustrations or things I want him to know. Because we ended with me as a weeping mess I wasnt able to clearly articulate my thoughts well. I was a mess the second I walked in because I knew what I had to say, knew he would not respond because he rarely does, and also knew he would decide to start his life from scratch without me in it now that he was headed to divorce. He doesnt do well with drama and I certainly created it.

I know he knows all the things that I would tell him, I just for some reason cant get it out of my mind. We did not end in a huge fight or battle, it was a sad ending more than anything. Two messed up people that love each other but know that there is no world for them to be together at this time. And I do believe that. I am actually looking forward to see how I view him down the road because like I said I do feel he is a good man, never lied to me, and does truly want what is best for me. I will be the first to admit I'd been had when and if that time comes.

I need to make my focus be on my husband and I'm really hoping I can start to see the light. I feel so very selfish for my wants.

I am honestly amazed at how many couples stay together after reading about some of the betrayals. I don't know that I could do that. Plus I also wonder why people want to make it work so bad after some of the horrible revelations. That is my worry of course that the affair was intense and as it comes out it will be too much to recover from. I guess time will tell.

Oh I so know this the end was a ton of tears on his side- I was upset but mad! I do think my AP was a good person but was a coward. It sucks to this day! Right person wrong time! I need to get over it- it will not change! I also know the man i married je is not at all in any way a coward! Could I survive with someone who was? No, not something I would choose! Stay strong and try to focus on family. A few months from now come back and reread- totally different perspective! Hugs!

Pastthelies, I'm mad too, but more sad/mad if that makes sense. My AP was a coward also although I am surprised that he managed to come up with lies to be able to spend so much time with me and go on vacations. I did see him being a coward in many ways though which drove me nuts because I'm the opposite. I stir the pot if need be to get things moving and don't shy away from conflict. Not saying that my way is better, I think a middle ground would be best. I'm sad because I know I can never change him and he does need changing. It's very sad to live your life with so many walls and I have never dated anyone like that. It was hard for me to accept sometimes but I did see the good in him. I also felt bad for him and thought maybe I could "fix" him. I did in many ways but not in anything long term, he needs to do that himself. I do miss him, but I know that he is not someone that could meet my needs the way he is now. We would kill each other. Him with his silence and me with my weepy tears.

My husband can meet most of my needs if I let him. My husband is very well liked by everyone that knows him. He takes care of me and the kids on a regular basis, never has to be asked to do work around the house, just does it. He wants to be more sexual with me but I just need to put more effort into it. I feel like if we could get our sexlife improved then I'd have a more positive outlook. Right now I feel like I just exist in this marriage but am not really happy or miserable. I'm just here. that is my struggle - I really want to be more vested. I will be working on that.

One of the expressions I've seen on here is "the grass is greener where you water it". Think on that. You've been pouring a lot of emotional energy into this A -- is it any surprise you feel distant from your BH (and, quite frankly, sound pretty clinical when talking about him)? One of things that will keep you distant and disconnected is by hiding a huge part of yourself -- the part that's been taken up with this A. This inability to be authentic is what's preventing you from getting the passion and feeling of connection with your BH. (Hence AuthenticNow's username.) So it's not just a question of being moral and doing the right thing -- the point is that you will never be able to move on in your M if you keep this to yourself.

And I'm a case in point that prospects for R are much better if the WS confesses and does not TT. I feel so lucky that I didn't have to find out some other way. OK, my WH didn't come to some reasoned decision to do it, nor did he do it out of respect for me -- he essentially cracked up. It would have felt better if he had come to me having clearly chosen me. (Instead, as part of this crack-up, he confessed but spent a few days trying to figure out what to do. Horrible.)

Your statement

I am honestly amazed at how many couples stay together after reading about some of the betrayals. I don't know that I could do that. Plus I also wonder why people want to make it work so bad after some of the horrible revelations

kind of worries me. I'm not sure if I'm reading it correctly, but it sounds like you're a bit disdainful of BSs who want to R -- do you see them as weak, lacking in pride? You need to examine that feeling, because if you don't respect your BH for wanting to stick with you (assuming he does), that will be a problem.

Good luck

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:35 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

My AP was a coward also although I am surprised that he managed to come up with lies to be able to spend so much time with me and go on vacations. I did see him being a coward in many ways though

Does this mean you think AP was brave for lying?

I did see him being a coward in many ways though which drove me nuts because I'm the opposite. I stir the pot if need be to get things moving and don't shy away from conflict.

No doubt you're 100% right about the AP, but this statement shows a shocking lack of self-awareness. No, you're not the opposite. You and your AP are two peas in a pod. You certainly shied away from conflict - rather than deal with your BH and your marital problems in a direct and healthy way, you chose a fantasy escape that you still can't free yourself from. You chose personal pleasure over your loved ones. The easy route. And so far you can't bring yourself to be honest with your BH, to reveal your true self, warts and all, to him. That's cowardly.

Dear Confused43,

Our situations seem so similar: you seem to be in a similar emotional state -- wanting to still email/contact/work things out with your “other”.

I got through it (my affair is seven years behind me). If you are like me, this is what I advise:

• Be patient. Getting over the relationship will take time. Lots of it. You cannot simply “shut off” your thoughts and desires to communicate with your special other. You kind of have to let your emotions run their course.

• What you have to do is not do anything stupid while this occurs. (I consider telling your husband to be a bad idea. I’m new here, and don’t know if that is “with” or “against” the prevailing wisdom. In my case, I believe it was the right choice.)

• WRITE, WRITE, WRITE all you want. Writing down your thoughts is a form a working things out, a form of therapy. Even healthy (non-emotionally distraught) people can benefit from keeping a journal. If you use your email "draft" feature, do NOT put your other's email address in the "to" field. Instead of using a draft email, maybe use any secure online document system (like Google Docs).

• If you can’t sleep: get up and write. Get these thoughts out of your head. Go write… until you have said what you need to say, or are exhausted enough to go back to bed. (You’ll need a “cover story” in case your spouse asks why you are on the computer at 3am. Have one ready.)

• However, DO NOT SEND THESE EMAILS. I know you want to, but don’t. Don’t actually send the email.

• When you can, slowly change who you are writing these email to. Write them “to the universe” or to your “future self”. Write posts to this forum. Slowly try to change the “addressee” of your thoughts.

• If you feel you MUST send one particular email, don’t send it right away. Wait. Re-read your email in four hours, or six hours, or tomorrow. Edit it. Throw out the whiny, needy parts. Make yourself clearer. Make it shorter. Once you edit: start the clock again: wait another 4 hours. This might be enough for you to "feel" like you said what you need to say... even without ever really sending it. If you still feel you MUST send it… then read the next step.

• If you still feel you MUST send one of your edited emails, you MUST limit your contact. You probably can’t go cold turkey, cutting off communication all at once. If you already sent one message this week, hold off. Only allow yourself one message a week. Once you get accustomed to that, then only allow yourself to send a message every other week. Then once a month. Then once a quarter.

That was the only way I was able to work through the pain of losing her, while all the while she was the person I still wanted to be closest to. The process above -- plus many many many months of talk therapy -- has finally given me some peace… and it took about six years. (Too damn long for an eight month affair.)

(This is my first post, and I won’t try to introduce myself here; I’ll find the right time and forum to do that in later.)

(Also, I admit I have not read the whole thread. I read the original post in the thread. I read enough replies to decide “no one is giving her the advice I would give". So I write this now. I will try to read through the rest of the thread as I have time.)

-- DJ

^^^^^^^^^^^

I just....I can't even.... seriously!?!?

Not only break NC but have a "cover story" for her husband!?!?

Is this the advice you would give to a drug addict? "Only" one shot of their drug of choice once a day, once a week, once a month? Till they wean themselves off their drug, years down the road?

SMH

[This message edited by Aubrie at 11:15 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Do NOT address any thoughts emails or journaling to the AP. It took Dante 6 YEARS to get over his AP. That is a very good reason NOT to follow his advice.

I mean..... .....seriously?!?

I haven't had a chance to really read the replies this morning but after I went to bed last night I realized that my post might have sounded like I didnt think the AP had any courage but it took courage to lie and betray his wife. I did not mean it that way and I knew it might be taken as such. I just didnt want to get out of bed to go edit my response.

What I meant is that he likes to avoid conflict, plus has no courage. He has no balls pretty much. Usually always taking the easy path in everything he does so it surprised me that he would take the risk of having an affair and the betrayal involved since he is not someone that I would think could do that. I think because he compartmentalizes everything in his life it made him be able to do this. I am now a compartment in his life as well as he does not deal with his feelings but shoves them aside. I do give him credit for ending the relationship though as much as it was hurtful. It was not healthy to continue the way things were. I tried but was not strong enough in this relationship.

I also was not meaning that I have all the courage I wish I had but I will say that I do have courage. I may be in a dark spot right now but that doesnt mean I dont have courage. I take risks and stand up for what is right for my kids, me, my family, the school, other kids etc and am not afraid to do so. I do feel I am a good leader and while I may have made a bad choice it does not take away from knowing that I do have the strength inside of me to change.

I will read the other replies when I get a minute but just wanted to make sure it didnt seem like I was saying that it takes courage to lie and cheat. Absolutely not what I meant, just the words didnt flow out well.

Hi confused43,

I am new to this website but I have read your post and I relate. I also am in the middle of a NC and I write emails in my head CONSTANTLY. I'm currently struggling to not send a Happy Birthday one. I also am in IC where my therapist and I agree that I should not disclose the affair to my husband. He is aware of an EA as he read some VERY explicit emails. He also is a great husband and great father. He is aware of my past with A and would like me to deal with my issues and MOVE ON. We have already agreed that we don't want a Divorce but I need to deal with my emotions and issues with A. It is hard! Very hard! I also can't just turn off 20 year old feelings. I need to go through the mourning process and refocus myself on my marriage. Things are much better between my husband and I now but I still have a lot of work to do. I just wanted to lend some support.

I'm currently struggling to not send a Happy Birthday one.

Ooooo I SOOOO relate to that one. For me: I really wanted to continue to send her a "Happy Anniversary (of the start of our affair)" text... at least I figured out THAT was inappropriate!

For a long time, I "limited myself" to one text a year -- on her birthday. To allow myself that was like relieving the pent-up pressure to communicate with her. Knowing that I would allow myself that made it possible for me to basically maintain no contact the rest of the year.

I also am in IC where my therapist and I agree that I should not disclose the affair to my husband.

My therapist also advised against. Her professional advice seemed to be: "if you want to confess just to 'clear your conscience', it probably is not going to have the desired effect, as it is likely to just cause too much pain. But if there is some specific reason why you realistically expect it to help/make things better, then it can be considered."

I need to go through the mourning process and refocus myself on my marriage.

Yes, yes: that is what it has felt like to me, too: a mourning process. I chose to stick with my family instead of leaving to be with the love of my life. I knew leaving my family would have cause irrevocable harm. But I lost my lover in the process.

I believe is was the right decision... but man, has it been hard.

[This message edited by DanteJace at 1:32 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]

I am a BS. My WH is a serial cheat, who thinks his one infidelity was his PA. He has had multiple online EAs and inappropriate online relationships. Because of his FOO issues, he has always craved belonging somewhere. He craves intimate relationships with people, which he is incapable of having because he refuses to live an authentic life. He uses lies, misdirection and manipulation to maintain the facade of an intimate relationship. He does not understand, that being completely honest, open and transparent is the path to true intimacy and the relationship he dreams of. He has tried to "white knuckle" fidelity. He is a dry adulterer.

He gets upset with me because I don't give enough of myself, that I am closed off, that we are becoming a version of his mother and stepfather's relationship. He is upset there is not enough passion in our M. He is upset at the lack of closeness.

But he fails to see the correlation between his secrets, his attention to other women, his pining for what he cannot have, his desire for the perfect passion of the fantasy relationship will always inhibit the intimacy he wants with me. Until he trusts me enough to be authentic, he will always be searching.

I have known he was cheating long before he ever fessed up. Didn't know what I was feeling, but knew something was horribly wrong, just couldn't put my finger on it. I made choices based on what I thought my M was. I was robbed of the ability to make different choices for myself, because of my WH secrets. I thought I was the problem. I was very depressed because I didn't understand what was really happening in my own life. I kept a job I should have abandoned long before I did, because it was familiar and the uncertainty in what was going on made it seem like the best decision.

I have been following this post. And for the posters who are keeping their A a secret, your secret will forever tie you to you AP while keeping you from a truly intimate relationship with your spouse. Is that what you want?

[This message edited by isadora at 1:39 PM, January 11th (Saturday)]