SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your sister did love you. Probably with all her heart . She was damaged. Very damaged. I'm sure I'll get berated for this, but this is my advice, as far as it goes towards your sister. Take a deep breath, in through your nose. Open your mouth, exhale, LET IT GO......repeat as many times as you need. There is nothing you can do. Move forward. Love yourself.

You are not at fault for any of this. Your husband and sister doing this to you is actually quite sickening.

If I was in your shoes right now, i would make a new start elsewhere and cut all the toxic elements from my life. You hinted that your mother may have known? If she did she would have been cut out of my life too.

Sounds harsh, but we are only on this planet once. We might as well make the most of it with people we love & respect and who love & respect us in return.

I have tried to reply back a few times, and it kept getting erased so frustrating trying to type from my phone! Hope this time works,

Sistermilkshake, Thank you. It took me a few days to except my feelings. I thought I had no right to be mad at her, she was an addict and tried to think of her as the victim. I thought I was a shitty person for being angry at my sister who is deceased. I read your post and realized that no, my feelings are my feelings. Thank you so much for your words. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to write to me. Every word is read, and re-read. Thank you.

While going over in my head if my sister was victim, and her using made her less responsible, I thought of this. My WH was deployed to Iraq 3 times. His first deployment at age 20 (before any type of affairs happened) he was on a convoy driving his CO. His truck was ambushed and his CO lost his hand. WH had to take himself and CO Out of truck to a ditch, where they stayed for the next 1hour and 47 mins with gun fire still continuing. WH Saved his CO's. WH now suffers with severe PTSD and TBI. He has since day one, I always knew this but a year ago he finally realized this and started getting help for it. That being said, if my sister wasn't responsible for her actions because she was a drug addict then WH wouldn't be responsible for his because of his mental disabilities. NO.

I know that my sister's using and WH's mental health had part of why they were the way they were. I don't know all the details of the affair but I "think" it started sooner after he came home from that deployment. They were both very broken. But it doesnt take my pain away. I too have a past, I got pregnant with my oldest son at 13. His father was one of my dad's drug buddies who was 23. He made me run away with him for 6 weeks because he thought my dad was going to kill him. I thought I was ok with this situation. Didn't think it effected me. I am wrong. It did and still does. But I would have never hurt my sister or had an affair. I know I am not my sister or WH and im not saying I am a better person then them. Basically what I am saying is that they are both responsible for this and it really fucking sucks!

I am still very angry and hurt and sad. I still miss my sister very much, so very much, every single day. I can not wait for my IC appt, I truly help me deal with these feelings.

Am I crazy, You are probably 100% right. I need to let these feelings go. There is nothing that can be done in regards to my sister. I just dont know how. :(

Still haven't spoken to WH. I am waiting till I talk to IC. I told him that. I am sure he feels that he won't have to answer questions. And I'm sure he hopes that since she is not here that this will be swept under the rug. Um no.

ZedLeppelin, I agree. I just don't know for sure if my mom knew. I don't know how to ask her. Ever since my sister's death, my mom has been very short with me. Almost rude. 100% not the same. I figured it was because she lost her daughter. I can not imagine that pain. My little sister (15) said she noticed this too. But she only acts like this with her and I. Little sister told me, I wonder if mom wished it would have been me or you that died.Broke my heart. Made me also think that may be true.

I had to submit the last post before my phone deleted it.

Honestly, today, I feel like I want to take my kids and my little sister and move to a different state. I feel like I'm living in a movie, and that I can't trust anyone. Like everyone, WH my mom my dad Aunt etc.... are freaking crazy.

That's how I feel today. I'm sure tomorrow will be different.

Thank you all for the support. It means so much.

((cryinginside)). I just wanted to chime in and let you know you are being thought of and prayed for (for whatever that's worth). I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling and I just wanted to reiterate, you are allowed to FEEL however YOU FEEL! And this will likely change daily or even momentarily as you process these feelings. The key here is to actually ALLOW yourself these feelings. My situation is nowhere near as horrific, but I can say growing up I always felt like I was put down for expressing how I felt. Oh I did it, lol, but I always felt like I was being the "bitch" as I was called by my mother when I was twelve and expressed that I was upset that she was taking back her promise to my friend and I to take us to a major event we were excited about. I was a "bitch" in my marriage when I brought up my frustrations to my husband and told to stop being dramatic, or whatever, and eventually I began ignoring how I actually felt about situations just because I hated being thought of as nagging or bitching...but I still FELT that way. NO one can tell you that how you feel is wrong.... now, how you handle those emotions and deal with them is what separates healthy and broken people.... your husband, your sister, they were broken. They clearly had unhealthy boundaries and methods of dealing with their hurts/emotions in life.... and they both had choices in how to deal with it... Just as you do. You can choose to ignore how you feel and stuff it away. Or you can choose to allow yourself to go through the process of feeling it, examining it, seeking healthy ways of working through it, while maintaining your own dignity, values and integrity...

I'm so sorry for both the loss of your sister as well as this additional hell you are going through. We are all here for you

Crying: this is simply one of the most tragic and sad stories that I've read on SI. I pity the situation that has come up around you.

I'm so sorry for what has happened, no one deserves what you've gone through.

I don't have any additional advice. But I think you need to kick your WH out of the house and begin your life anew.

..............Kali

Crying i dont really post. Just wanted to let you know your so strong! I am so sorey for your pain! It floors me. To those of you following her painful ordeal. Makes your problems seem somewhat trivial.

You will make it through to the other side. You have a long life ahead of you. I am in R. & i beleive in it. But i feel you should start anew. Sorry !!!! :(

H

Does your sister have a close friend you can talk to? Someone she would have confided in about the affair? You may be able to get answers or your sister's state of mind from them. Affairs are never totally secret. Someone always knows about something.

I am sure your WH wasn't relieved by her death. If it had been going on for years, he is probably devastated and misses her.

You need your mother right now. It will hurt her to find out, but she is still a mother and needs to be there for you now.

Hey Cryinginside,

Just checking in, letting you know that you are in my thoughts.

I really like your idea of moving to another state and starting over without your crazy family. A fresh start. And a place where your FOO don't have too much to do with your kids and niece. They sound toxic.

Whatever you do, please try not to read too much into your Mom's reactions to you. You need space and time to grieve...so does she. No matter how fu*ked up her thinking is, leave her be for now. Give her a chance to grieve in her own way.

I am not giving her a pass because if she did know what your sister and your WH were doing, in her house, shame on her. She will pay for this in the future. Losing the respect of your children is sad as it is telling.

I think that just like you her world is coming apart.

I am not asking you to rugsweep this with your family. Maybe in a month or two after seeing your IC you can have a family meeting and find out the truth of the whole seemy matter. Or not. No pressure. This is about you and your healing.

I also agree with some of the posters that say let it go. You will need to give yourself time to grieve and that takes time. But your sister died, she cannot answer any questions or show remorse. Perhaps that might speed the process, you will have to get to acceptance faster...

Trust me I know that you are in pain. So please don't take my comment about letting go is coming form a callus place. I am just very concerned about your mental health and your ability to process all of this hurt at once.

All we can hope is the you can feel the concern and care from all of us here on SI...that you can see it as a balm to sooth your heart.

We are listening and we care.

I have my IC appt today. It will feel nice to let all my feelings out to someone in real life. Im hoping that, letting every thing out...all my feelings thoughts etc... I will be able to move on from this. (Regarding my sister) because like you said Getting to Happy, my sister died. I will never be able to talk to her so why hold on to this pain. And even though I am angry with her, I miss her terribly.

It's the oddest thing, the last couple days I know she has been with me. I know people have different beliefs on things like this, and thats fine, just dont think im crazy . Sometimes I will be in my backyard and I gets chills down my back and can sense her behind me. So much that I actually turn around and half of me expects to see her. This has brought me a sense of peace. It's almost like she I's trying to comfort me. Sounds crazy I know, but I promise im not losing my mind.

That's all I want. Is to be at peace with her. My WH is a whole different situation. I asked him last night why he never told me. (I know soo many details about things he has done) He said they both didnt want me to know. That it isn't what you think it is. I told him I read their own words and I dont have energy in me to hear a bunch of B.S.! ....This was in passing. I will not have a discussion with him with my kids little sister and niece in the house.

WH's past A's turned me into someone I never want to be again. It consumed my life. I refuse to let him do this to me again.

Someone mentioned talking to friends of my sister's, I so wish I could think of someone. She didn't have any female friends that were close that I know of. We were each other's best friends. So that would be hard.

Thank you all so very much for letting me get this off my chest, it helps so much. I know there isn't a whole lot of advice to be given in my situation but just being able to write my feelings help. Hugs to you all ((( )))

I've been meaning to post an update. Life has been so crazy and just been trying to take it day by day.

I was tested for hepatitis, and it was negative (Thank you God) I have seen my counselor a few times and it has seriously saved my sanity. She basically said what most of you said, I need to "let it go", when I can. Feel the emotions but work towards forgiving my sister. She also said I should deal with one thing at a time. Since I had anger towards my sister, anger towards WH and I am also grieving my sister and many more emotions, that I had to separate them. I was angry at my sister for a while. One day I literally woke up. And the grieving pain was back 100%. It felt like the day she died. I can say, the anger was easier to deal with.

My H, well I talked to him. I didn't want to know any details I can not know those things yet, or maybe never. He said it happened years ago, they were drunk, and they both decided never to tell me. That's all I would let him say. I saw a lawyer, I know what will happen (for the most part) if/when I file. Right now I can not. It would be too much. My counselor agrees. She also said she thinks I should think about forgiving WH, but also understands why I can't.

Thank you all for your words, advice and hugs. They truly meant so much. I have came back here and read them many times. ((((Hugs to you all))))

I am so so terribly sorry you are here again.

I pray that you find peace in your heart and in your mind.

You will get through this. You will. It sounds as if you are making good, sound decisions.

Do what you need to do on your timeline. Yours not his.

Stay strong. We are all rooting for you.

God bless.

Crying, it sounds like you gave your sister huge -suprahuman-support, and I suggest you try to focus on that whenever guilt hits (although you could also write her a letter to say sorry that you could not help her, I emphasise the could not 'would'. Plus a letter maybe a little further down the road expressing your shock and anger, please do not suppress your anger, there has been a huge betrayal here). Guilt is normal for all bereaved people, and of course even more so for those who have been unable to stop someone on their self-destructive path. So grief counselling and al-anon are both good ideas for you to help you through that aspect of your feelings about your sister. I am sure your sister did love you but also had feelings of jealousy that will be part of the roots of her actions, and she herself will have been 'split' in terms of her behaviour.

Your husband's attempts at 'sorry' don't cut it, and I suggest you do not engage with him at the moment. He needs to sort some stuff out, and your first speech to him sounds to have quite brilliantly articulated where he might need to start, and that is enough signposting from you to him for now, don't you think?

I am glad to hear you are doing better. Such a lot to process yet you are making your way through it, bit by bit. Kudos to you.

Sending continued strength and increasing peace.

OMG....I have absolutely no words. My jaw is dropped! All I can say is that I'm sorry for your loss and divorce that douche bag. Absolutely sickening.

Um yah, way to soon to work on forgiveness. You just discovered this new betrayal. I don't care if it's new or old as far as when it happened. I think your counselor is way off base here.

Your H better be doing the work to fix himself, or you need to be ready to walk away. You deserve more, much more.

I can see being more able to forgive your sister, afterall she was an addict, and had been pretty messed up for a while. But I don't think I would ever be able to forgive my spouse for that level of betrayal.

Remember you have done nothing wrong here. Make you a priority.

(((and strength)))

Oh Crying, please allow me to add my sincere I'm so sorry.

The fact that you can function at all is testimony to your strength. You have been given a lot of support and I pray that you glean some good out of it.

I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts, that you will find peace no matter what path you choose to take in life.