SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have no advice, as I agree with most of the posts ahead of me. As for proof of pregnancy, just an FYI, one can buy fake positive tests online. Also, wondering if the OW ever said anything about being infertile and if this pregnancy was announced after a breakup attempt by you. Apologies if this was already asked or brought up.

No matter what your BGF must hear the truth from you asap. Don't let the OW be the one who tells her.

^^^^ this....

The lies are the worst part. Tell your BGF and then you can either face it together or she can make a choice to leave. Either way it is wrong to leave her in the dark thinking life is great and she is about to marry someone who is committed and faithful. She needs to make an informed decision.

On another note, I got a preg test a few years ago and drew 2 lines on it for an April Fools day prank on my WH. He fell for it hook line and sinker.. So that part is not difficult. Hopefully this OW is lying and you have learned a valuable lesson. Either way you need to tell your GF.

[This message edited by lilflower1000 at 6:24 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

Everything Lovedyoumore said! She has every right to decide what "she" wants for her own life! Please don't rob her of that right. ...

Damn

Damn

Damn

My mind is so blown. I will NOT be telling BGF anything. I will handle this alone.

OW has been ERASED from my life COMPLETELY.

I have learned my lesson....trust me.

Umm, you still cheated on your GF. She still deserves to know the truth of her own life. You really do owe her the truth of what you've done so she can make an informed decision on your relationship.

By not telling your GF about the situation, you are basically letting her make decisions about her life based on falsehoods. Do you think that is in any way fair to her? Does that show her you love her?

Secrets destroy emotional intimacy. You cannot have a true emotionally intimate relationship with someone who is actively engaging in deception.

Finally, do you think you will be content with lying on an ongoing basis? Is that the person you want to be?

I really think you should reconsider. There is no one who benefits from you keeping this situation a secret. No one.

Cat

I am not emotionally stable myself right now. There are a million things going through my head.

If OW is really lying then there really is no situation is there? Looking back on everything that happened these weeks.....and matching it all with the explanations provided here, OW is not PREG at all. How could I have been so dumb.

Since we have cut all communication she hasn't even sent a fake ultrasound pic or anything.

I agree with you in part Cat but I really don't want to have this convo in light of what I am mow realizing.

I will stray no more.

Your GF needs to know and she needs to know now, even if you are planning on never straying again. She may find out from AP and it would help your situation so much more if the info came from you. I know you're scared. I know you'd rather none of this happened and that you'd rather not tell her forgfear of the repercussion, but she deserves to know, and to know that you're all in for R if she chooses to move forward in that direction.

There is still a slight possibility yourAP is not faking, and you should be preparedfor that, but your BGF needs you to be completely honest with her, either way.

[This message edited by Macsecond at 8:28 PM, August 22nd (Friday)]

I should add that I was not emotionally stable when I told my BH about my A either, but it was best not to wait. You're probably looking for a reason to not tell her. I was too, nearly chickened out at the last minute, but the decent thing to do would be to tell her. You know that.

The truth will come out in the end one way or the other. There may or may not be another child, but if you truly love your GF you need to be honest with her.

My WS would agree. The damage and cause of his affair was hiding things that he had done ( whether it was the affair or lies about little things like smoking or tobacco use) and feelings that he was feeling.

Hiding this lie will surely damage your relationship and blow up in your face one day.. Please be man enough to tell her now.

If OW is lying there's no situation here? Ah.... Her trust is at stake. I hope you gently sit her down and go through all of this. As a BS I am fighting to have trust every day. The act didn't hurt me as badly as all of the lies. I truly hope you consider this.

I would urge you to be honest with her. The lie will fester and kill any chance of true intimacy between you two. She deserves to know the truth.

Unfortunately, there *is* a situation, whether or not there is a pregnancy and that situation is that you cheated on your GF with this woman. Said situation is best managed with honesty, candor, empathy and transparency.

Your GF deserves to know. Infidelity has been an issue between the two of you before--she should be told so that she can make an informed decision about her life. She needs to know you have been unfaithful again, and she needs to know that the AP is claiming pregnancy. She also needs to know you have been texting and talking to this woman. She needs to know it all.

Yes, it is scary to contemplate. But don't you want to live an authentic life? One of honesty and openness and intimacy?

She needs to be told. It doesn't get any better for either of you by waiting or putting it off. She needs to know it all, the sooner the better.

Don't make any promises you are not intending to keep. If you promise to change, have a plan to make those changes. Don't just wrap a bunch of pretty words up for her--back them up with actions. I think that the empty promises can be the cruelest of all.

Cat

If you plan to remain with your BGF without sharing the truth---that you were unfaithful, that the OW was a crackpot, that the OW faked (?) a pregnancy, know that you will never have a genuine, emotionally intimate relationship with her. It's not possible, if there are secrets and lies between you.

"Erasing" OW will not facilitate a healthy relationship with your BGF. Truth will.

There is FAR more here, than pregnancy. The need to be honest does not end if you learn there is no pregnancy.

If nothing else, you have an OW on your hands--an OW who was willing to go to extraordinary lengths to keep you in her clutches. An OW willing to destroy your relationship. An OW who's, demonstrably, a loose cannon.

This OW may well reach your BGF at any time. If she's cooked up a pregnancy scenario complete with a cast of characters, what else do you imagine she can come up with to torment you and your BGF?

Wouldn't it be better to reach your BGF first, tell her the truth, so that --should OW rear her ugly head again (as she very well might), you can face her as a united front?

But let's say that there's no way for OW to reach BGF. That doesn't make the problem vanish. By withholding that you were unfaithful, you are sentencing your BGF to a relationship with you built on a foundation of lies. You may be even more successful compartmentalizing and fooling yourself. (It sounds as though you may be well on the road to this.)

But it won't work. You will condemn your BGF--actually, condemn both of you-- to a life that is not nearly as rich as it can be.

What will happen? You will be dissatisfied. You may grow to resent your BGF because your relationship cannot become what you want/need it to be. How could it be? If you've walled off part of yourself, that's a part of you that she will be unable to reach. Ever. And you will feel this void. How will you even begin to fill it?

Further, you will be robbing your BGF of the opportunity to make an informed decision about building a life with you. She will be making decisions based on lies you've told her about yourself--either by omission or commission.

It's not fair. To anyone.

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:53 AM, August 23rd (Saturday)]

Grant84, it's not so much the crime as the coverup.

Many have told you that there is a good chance that OW is not pregnant and this is all a load of BS. However, there is also the possibility that she IS pregnant. There's just no guarantee that the child is yours, but you can't rule it out either. You can't hide this from your GF, bud.

Nobody's mentioned STDs. You had sex with somebody who is not your GF and it was unprotected. Has to have been, given that you're willing to believe OW's story. You need to advise your GF to get tested.

You also mentioned that your thing with OW was more of an actual relationship than you previously let on. I'm willing to bet that this isn't the first time you and OW have slept together either. I'd say you're living a nice double life with a woman in the US and another back wherever it is that you live.

Here's the thing. Cheaters cheat. Cheaters also get cheated on - if they're willing to cheat with you, they're willing to cheat on you. No guarantee that the kid is yours or even actually there, but also no guarantee that she hasn't fucked half the neighborhood while you're out of the country and given you a dose of something which you may have given to your GF.

You need to tell your GF the truth - all of it. No way this ends well for you or anybody else if you don't.

Time to man up and do the right thing here. This stopped being about you a long time ago. You're doing a lot of damage to yourself and to others. Time to stop that.

In addition to what everyone else said about your needing to tell your girlfriend the truth because you cheated and lying is no way to be in a relationship, I would like to add that the very fact that there is even a possibility that the OW is pregnant means that not only did you have sex with someone else, you had unprotected sex with someone else. Your girlfriend deserves the right to determine whether or not she should continue risking her health by having sex with you.

My husband gave me high-risk HPV when he had his first affair. He slept with me without telling me he had cheated and took my right to decide for myself whether or not to take that risk.

You claim you love your girlfriend. Then show it. Be honest with her and let her make her decisions about whether or not you are a safe person to be with. Yes, you may lose her. But, obviously, you were willing to take that risk when you cheated on her. If you really love her, you'll stop all the lying right now and tell her the truth because she deserves to know what she's getting into with you. And if she really loves you, she might just forgive you and move forward if you're truly remorseful. Incidentally, continued lying does not show remorse.

I will stray no more.

My H told himself the same thing after his first A. But he did none of the work on himself to prevent future WW thinking. Just saying it doesn't make it so.

When did I find out about my H's first A - 13 years after the fact. Lies have a way of rearing their ugly head when you least expect it. Finding out 13 years after it ended was no better than finding out earlier - in fact it is much worse as that whole 13 year period of my life I was living a lie, with a liar.

Take a few days to digest the ugliness of what you have uncovered, but do not vow to never tell your BGF. She deserves a better man than that.

I will stray no more.

Bluntly, I call bull on this statement. You've cheated before, you cheated your BGF now, and you'll cheat again. Why not! You've gotten away with it. Heck, you came on the internet, used this site to get good advice to make sure that YOU weren't getting lied to about your APs potential pregnancy, and now, looks like you've gotten off scott-free! Heck, score one for Grand84!

If you even pretend to care for your BGF you OWE HER THE TRUTH! She's not a child. She's not chattel. She is a grown human being who DESERVES to know the truth about the man that she may be considering spending the rest of her life with. Do you really, for one instant, think that she will never know what you've done? Trust me, she will learn at some point. You didn't betray her in a vacuum there is at least one "witness." And likely to be more at some point in the future. And when, not if, she finds out, you will have ripped her heart out, trampled it, and spat upon her soul. I am a BW. I speak from experience. That is the very least that you will do to her.

You cannot know how much I was in your corner, hoping to come back here to read that you had manned up and had done the responsible, adult thing, and gave your BGF the truth that she deserves. And to read that hey, looks like AP isn't pregnant so no harm, no foul, is horrifying. Is this really how you want to live your life? As long as you can get away with something, then all's good? Please think hard about this. You have made the decision to screw over your BGF *again!* Are you the kind of person that you would want to give your heart to?

Believe it or not, I'm praying for you. I'm praying that you do the right thing by your BGF. I'm praying that you can get some help to figure out why you make the choices that you do. I'm praying that you're not a user and can do the compassionate, honorable thing. It may not seem like it to you, right now, but you are standing at a big crossroads in your life. Down one way is User's Lane. It winds its way through a deep and narrow valley, and the only thing to focus on or see, is a lot of vertical dirt. Down the other way is Authenticity. That way is open, rolling, and you can see all the way to the horizons of endless possibilities. I hope you choose wisely.

I can tell you from firsthand experience that many dumped OWs will contact the betrayed partner and tell them. Many are trying to get the betrayed to dump the wayward and think he will run to them if the betrayed exits.

In my situation the OW faked being pregnant in the beginning too which is when my fWH realized she had mental problems. Many OWs do this as a way to keep the AP talking with them. My fWH had told her he couldn't cheat anymore and had ended it.

In the end OW told me via email text and pics which was a horrible thing for me to face and I was extremely traumatized finding out like that. I now suffer from PTSD and contracted hpv and herpes thanks to the infidelity. Your BGF needs to get std testing including hpv. They cant test men for hpv but woman can be tested by obgyn. Its at epidemic proportions in U S now and can be passed with or without condoms.

Stop for just a moment and think about what is right for your BGF and not yourself. If you truly love her you will put her needs above your own. She needs to hear the truth from you and noone else.

I know I would have suffered a lot less if my fWH had told me himself and told me when it happened instead of letting 2 years pass by... This would have been easier for him too as hiding things from me really stressed him out.

Bottom line, the longer you withhold the truth the harder it will be for you both. The more deceipt, gaslighting and lies of ommission the less your chances are of reconciling...

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:43 PM, August 23rd (Saturday)]

Not telling your BGF is cheating. It's cheating the truth, it's cheating your integrity, and it's cheating on the foundation of a relationship. The only reason I can think of NOT to tell her if your were instead going to tell her it's over and you will be breaking up. Even then, she deserves the truth. That is something you have, and she doesn't, and you're unwilling to give to her.