SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see the chat history of her and one of her friends. She spells it all out.

I'm sorry, but at least now you know. So this "friend" of hers knew and was probably complicit in helping her cover up.

I thought it was my anger that brought her to this

You need to nip that line of thinking in the bud right now. BTDT. Nothing you did or didn't do led her to this. Realize that now. Were there problems? Sure, who doesn't have problems in their marriage? I did. Were you the perfect husband? Probably not. I wasn't. Who is? Is that an excuse for having an A? Not a chance. If your WW was unhappy she had three choices. She could tell you the two of you were going to a MC to work it out. She could divorce you and find somebody else. She could do nothing and live with your faults. Finding a guy at work and jumping on his dick is not a valid choice to fix a marriage.

I see a pattern now.

I'm sorry, but you're probably right. If this happened before (and sorry to say it's possible now that there may be others you don't know about) then it's very likely, without a lot of good IC for her, to happen again. I'm afraid that unless your WW is to suddenly come to her senses and start down the long and hard road of R that there isn't much chance for you to save your M.

Get out that phone book and start calling. I'm sure you know people who divorced. Find out who they used and if they're any good. Consulting a lawyer doesn't commit you to anything. Filing divorce papers doesn't commit you to anything. You can still stop it at any time if your WW wakes up. In the mean time you've shown her the consequences of her actions.

I haven't read all the responses but wanted to say two things

(1) you don't need to read all the details in the emails. you know yourself and you know that you don't want the details. I'm the same way in that I won't look at a disturbing image because it will stay with me for decades. So don't force yourself to read them. But, if you don't get that info, you will need to assume the worst (that it was more than once, that is was unprotected, and it is continuing) and you need a way to monitor things going forward.

(2) The 180 is not the same thing as putting on a happy face. At your stage and in your shoes, I would not do a full 180. It's not bad, at this point, for your W to see the devastation and hurt because she sounds rather clueless and if you put on a happy face she's going to think this was all no big deal for you. What you need more than the 180 is drawing your boundaries. Be absolutely clear with her the implications of continued contact, etc etc

You can see by this outpouring of support for you that you aren't alone here man. That you have been welcomed with open arms and we want what's best for you. We know that even if you tried to implement all this advice, that you're gonna stumble some. You're gonna be weak some. That's okay man. It's okay to feel weak over this shit. It's okay to cry over this shit. I think I cried more over my wife's a than anything else my entire life combined.

This is why you journal. (Somewhere she won't find it.) This is why you plan. Because we know right now, this very moment, just how broken you feel. Because we've been there.

We also know that if we aren't moving, planning, implementing plans, making more plans (and plans within those plans (and more plans within those plans)) that it's all too easy to get stuck in place. To get bogged down. When the emotions get too hard? Journal. Write that shit out. It is too powerful to try to bottle to suppress to suck it up. You wouldn't suck up a heart attack would you? And which would you rather have this moment if you had a choice between the two? Journaling is vital. Worst case scenario, use it to document your time with your girls. Best case it gets all the anger and venom out of you and onto somewhere that's not damaging to anyone.

Your wife is no longer your friend. She fired you from that job. Keep your mouth shut and journal. IF (and this is a big if) she gets serves and has a sudden realization that she royally fucked up and doesn't want to hurt you or put the kids through divorce and claims to be willing to do anything to "save the marriage", that's when you give her the list of shit you want her to do. The postnup. The polygraph. The job change. etc. etc.

You cannot convince anyone of your worth by begging.

I know. I've tried begging. I tried the pick me dance. I tried being sympathetic to her feelings. To try to understand where she was coming from. Well, she felt it was okay to cheat, so her feelings suck. She came from a place of dishonesty, who wants to understand that?

If you want my story, just ask. I'm sure that most (all?) of the others are more than willing to help as well. Shit, most of my story is on here somewhere. Take a look around. You aren't alone.

Tell us what you need. Ask us questions. Ask for translations of shit that sounds like bullshit. You've been lied to by her for years--you're bullshit detector has been compromised.

Strength, brother!

You will be old before you ever trust her again

This. Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering when the next time will be? I'm afraid your WW is a serial cheater and that's almost impossible to fix.

I realize that we're all just random people on the internet, but we've all been down the same road you're starting down in one form or another. You've got some of the best people here giving you advice. The same ones who helped me when I was standing at the start of that road, bewildered and wondering how the hell I ended up here. Listen to them and save yourself some of the grief I and many others who don't listen went through.

I read your thread. I am sorry you are in this situation. You and only you can improve this situation because your WW is not interested in you or how she hurt you or repairing your relationship.

She lied to you and is still lying to you.

Physical once, my friend if I had just 1 cent for every time I heard that including from my own WW I could retire. I will not beat that dead horse but it is a lie.

She deleted everything and said she would end it on her terms. That is total disregard for you.

Stop going to MC now it is a waste of time and money AND it is counterproductive because your MC is giving bad advise.

Your wife is not remorseful she loves another man. Why do you want to stay married to someone who is in love with another man. She does not care about you.

She may be staying with you because of kids, lifestyle what ever.

I just do not understand what you think is going to change. This is the second time that you know of. Is this how you want to live your life. You deserve better.

Lastly do not stay married for the kids it is better to be from a broken home than in one. I know my parents divorced when I was 5. I am so thankful for that because they hated each other, they fought, screamed and yelled threw things it was awful.

Your path is what you choose you have been give advise from those who have lived through infidelity.

Choose the right path and you will eventually be happy. Choose the wrong path and...well you get my point.

Since so much great advice has already been said, I'd like to give you a word of caution.

Every single one of us has been through the "I know everything" phase. "My wife couldn't possibly have done more - it's already SO bad!"

And then the next bomb drops. The next text message is found. The next revelation.

How bad can the revelations get??? They can get really fucking bad, my friend. Think she couldn't have had sex with him and come back and have you, too? Yes she can. Think she can't have him over and do him in your bed? Yes she can. Think this is her only affair? Oh, you might be surprised.

Don't take anything for granted at this point.

She is not who you think she is.

Good luck.

Please listen to Bigger...best advice on SI - it pains me when new bs's don't heed his advice - so I won't add more - just ask you to reread bigger's post....

Trust me when I say that I am listening to all of you. I am calling the lawyer and setting up a consultation for next week.

There is no way I can go out of town with her this weekend. I cannot put on that happy face that whole time.

The kicker is the kids. I've been thinking about them the whole time. I want to do what's right for them, but how can I ever trust her again.

The lies I see from that chat have just completely opened my eyes. Such a fool.

Do what is right for YOU and your kids.

Friend,

Maybe not what you want to hear but the ONLY thing unique and new in your situation is that it’s YOU and YOUR wife. We have seen it all before. We have seen so many comparable cases that our experience can more or less give you betting-odds quality stats on how things will develop.

Right now you don’t have enough to decide if your marriage can survive or not, or if you want to reconcile or not. It’s best not to burn bridges.

This is NOT the same as saying don’t take action. You NEED to take action. It’s more a suggestion to think before implementing.

Look – I have seen couples reconcile from what many would consider worse than your wife did. I have seen couples divorce for less. It’s all relative. The only important thing IMHO is that YOU come out a survivor – with or without your wife.

Such a fool.

No, you're not. I'm sure every man here, every woman here, felt that way. You weren't a fool. You trusted. That's what a husband does. You're supposed to trust the woman you're married to implicitly. In the case of every person here, that trust was violated in the most horrible way possible. But it doesn't make you a fool. You aren't supposed to spend your days wondering who your spouse is fucking every time she leaves the house. You trust that she's going to keep her pants on when she leaves the house. Your WW didn't. Does that make you a fool? No. It makes your WW a person who violated the vow she made to you, the vow you trusted her to keep. What it makes you is a normal, trusting, husband.

Go back and read my post about nipping this line of thinking in the bud, right now. Click on the smiley face and read my story. Trust me, I spent a lot of time going down that particular branch of this shitty road. Don't follow. I spent months wondering how I drove my xWW to the point of giving blowjobs to random internet guys in the walmart parking lot. It took a lot of 2X4 swinging by people like Bigger and craig2001 to get me to give up the idea that I had something to do with her craziness. Hell, I think everyone had a swing at one point or another. That line of thinking is not productive, it's pointless, and it's flat wrong. NOTHING you did or didn't do led you to this point or made you a "fool".

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 2:32 PM, July 16th (Thursday)]

I want to mirror what some have said here about not reading the emails.

Its just creative writing, most of it, like 80% is bullshit and will only fill you mind with crap to think about forever so dont go there is my recommendation.

You know enough to know she willingly took penis in her body agansit your marriage covanent and BOLDLY LIED IN YOUR FACE.

That is adequate truth in my opinion.

Sending you strength, STEP.

Cheaters can be very sincere-looking as they lie. You need to pay attention to HER ACTIONS. Her words can easily lie, but the ACTIONS tell the truth. For example about telling she would end it and then not allowing you to verify.

Pay attention only to her actions.

I have an appointment on Thursday to see the divorce lawyer. That was the earliest time that worked for me and them.

At least I have it setup.

Such a fool

You feel like a fool, but the fool isnt you, its the WS.

She will feel like an asshole for a long time for this no matter if you R or D.

She has to look herself in the mirror everyday and say to herself, what a coward and jerk I was to a good man, a faithful man, a provider and the father of my children, what a shithead I was/am...

You are not the fool. Go outside with a glass bottle or something that can break like a lightbulb, take some time transferring "your fool feelings into it"...

then shatter it. Let it go. Destroy it.

Remove it.

The only reason she has not left is because the other man doesn't want her full time.

She initiated the affair, she plotted to get together with other man, her friend helped, it took a year or more, but finally she bagged him.

I have an appointment on Thursday to see the divorce lawyer.

I'm going to say again, find out who the highly regarded family law lawyers are in your area. Take advantage of any and all who offer a free initial consultation. I am not a lawyer, but an ethical lawyer will not take a case that they have a relationship to the opposing party. In other words your WW can't use that lawyer against you. All the lawyers I called, the second question after my name, was "what is your wife's name?" so they could go research is she showed up in their files anywhere.

Since there are kids involved, I would also recommend that the lawyer you retain specifically specializes in men's rights.

Since there are kids involved, I would also recommend that the lawyer you retain specifically specializes in men's rights.

This one does. Thank you whoever told me about them. Not a free consultation but I want a good lawyer, not a free one.

My observation is that the cheater will continue to take advantage of you as long as you still allow it.

You know what you need from her in order to start on the way. Finding another job? Verifying that she has told there is no cintact? Whatever it is, stick to your guns, do not stay back into the marriage unless she does what you need. Go see the other threads here, the guys who held a hard line are the ones who had the option to reconcile. Many on the wayward forum you can see that many didn't come back to the marriage until the betrayed finally said "enough" and was ready to call it quits.

Many on the wayward forum you can see that many didn't come back to the marriage until the betrayed finally said "enough" and was ready to call it quits.

In my head, I am there now. My heart wants to stay. I'm not even sure how I can look at her now. I don't know what tonight is going to be like.

I'm going to make her give me the password to the old account and try to undelete it.

I am not going to tell her about the lawyer yet.

We will not be going on a weekend getaway with the kids this weekend. She didn't want to stay at home and just feel everything. Now she has to.