SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ICan,

I have to go teach a class in a few minutes, but

I'm a little worried this morning. I'm starting to hear things that sound like the faint sounds of rug-sweeping in the distance.

She knows it was a fantasy and she loves me and wants to be with me.

Then it's time for her to start proving it. Don't believe the words, believe the actions. What actions are you seeing that show you that she's committed to you? What has she done today to help you heal?

There's a couple books that crop up here very often. I think they're referenced in the Healing Library. Go get a copy of "How to help your spouse heal form your affair" and "Not just friends". I think you can get it on Kindle or physical. Have her read them. Then stick your fingers in your ears and stop listening to her words, watch and see what actions you see.

I am keeping any decisions on hold for now.

Keep that appointment with the lawyer. Become informed. Have those papers drawn up. Keep them on your desk. Just having them to look at and say "Here's me worst-case exit plan" will help.

I am keeping any decisions on hold for now. I am cautiously optimistic.

This worries me. Those rug sweeping sounds are getting closer. Right now you should be feeling skepticism. You've heard some words, but where are the actions. Go get those books and give them to her. No words, no demands, just "Here, I got these for you." If she reads them and you start to see actions, not words, then that's a good sign

I also know that in the long run, I am a trusting person. I do not want to have to check emails. To snoop

I'm sorry but right now and for a long time trust is one word that is not in your marriage vocabulary. Your WW knows how easy it is to lie to you and get away with it. Your WW knows how easy is it to find a guy willing to do her and how easy it is to hide it. Your WW knows what a rush she feels from "getting a little on the side" and how easy it would be to feel that again. Your WW has a long road of consistent actions and behaviors on her part before "trust" can ever be part of your lives.

I gotta run to class, but keep posting.

Thanks for the updates.

Are you in individual counselling yourself? If not, I strongly urge you that you seek IC for yourself, you NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP in dealing with the betrayal and everything.

Have you been getting support and help from your friends and family?

Best wishes

I am worried about sweeping it under the rug. I am trying not to let her off easy. My desire is not to punish her. Right now my goal is to find happiness. Honestly, I don't know if that will be with her. Her first work trip is going to be gut wrenching.

I told her that if I suspect anything is going on again, I'll end it. I told her that she can go anytime. She can go to him, she can just go if she wants. I will not stop her and I will not take the kids away from her. I wanted to remove that fear of hers. I don't want her staying for the kids.

I was crushed on D-Day. I was gutted and I won't forget that. Right now I am not allowing her to hurt me again. I know I love her, but I will not allow myself to be miserable. I am pretty sure that I'm guarding myself.

Maybe it is a sign I've checked out for a bit. I'm on a personal journey right now.

We both have ICs. I will continue to go to mine. I've got some personal issues I want to work through. Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy has been illuminating. I want to work on that.

I am going to do my best to not believe the words, but the actions. It's going to be tough. I am sticking to the 180 for now. I also like the message of the 180. I do not need her and I've remembered that.

I have support from my brother, a friend online, my IC. I don't have many friends anymore and none I would to about this. Another realization of why from No More Mr Nice Guy...

Today I might break down, but I'm trying to truly love myself. To find myself and then work on reconciling or not.

I don't really know how to explain it. A calmness fell over me yesterday morning. The knowledge that I was strong enough to make it through. That I could do this, whatever my decision ends being.

ICan

I think you are doing great in a week.

And it is quite normal to be up one moment and down the next.

And while you think you have not been husband/father of the year you need to believe that you love your wife, love your family and never broken your vows.

That counts.

All of us "humans" are not perfect. We can be introspective. We can desire to improve ourselves to be better men, women, spouses and parents.

I would not want my wife to quit her job. Not right now. She is the breadwinner. She should keep bringing in the bread.

She should look to change her job though.

I would also suggest that you expose the affair. To the OMW and eventually their boss.

But don't jeapordize her job. Not right now.

There is nothing wrong with loving your wayward wife. And it is quite possible the fog is going away and she is starting to understand what she has to lose as a result of her affair.

Continue to encourage her to be truthful with you. No relationship survives long in lies. Give her a safe spot to tell you anything she wants to say with no repercussions right now.

She might honestly want to come clean to you and that is a good sign.

Trust but verify. Check her work emails since she offered.

Now bad decisions warrant consequences.

Meet with the attorneys. Understand your rights and the kids. Ask the lawyers what it would cost to ask google to obtain the emails from her google account if this is legal.

Keep this meeting to yourself right now.

Encourage your wife to get tested for std's. She needs to show you the results.

Ask your wife to go to her boss requesting that the contact with Nathan be limited due to their affair.

Last but not least you need to inform the OMW without your wife knowing..then see how quickly Nathan calls her. He will. She needs to show you how honest about contact with him she will be.

Take your time. You have all the time in the world to make a decision about your marriage.

Has your W spoken to her parents or siblings about the affair?

HM

[This message edited by happyman64 at 12:41 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]

My W has spoken to her mother. She isn't close with her sisters. That's all she has on that front.

I am still going to do exactly as I said. She will get tested and I will see the lawyers.

I am going to keep coming here. Often. I will get those books and I will give her a safe place to talk.

She admits she was sad at having to lose him. They talked every day for a year. They haven't talked (besides business only emails) this week. She was sad that he is going to be on vacation next week. She said that she wanted to reach out to him on Friday, before he left.

This affair could return any time because she has opened a special place for this guy in her heart. It will take her a long time to forget this OM and you will have to be vigilant. You may not like snooping, but she had to give you free access to ALL of her communication devices. You will also have to be on the lookout for new means of communication they might open up such as new FB accounts, burner phone, etc...

So far you have not told the OBS. Grave mistake. Since you are noncommittal about it, answer this question "If the OM's W had found out about the affair first, would you have wanted her to tell you about the A between her H and your W or would you have preferred that she keep this information for herself?" The answer to the question should help you make up your mind. The OBS finding out is an extra ICE BUCKET on the A.

I think I'm going to have to tell her. The OBS. I've been waiting to make my mind up on that.

I Can Overcome,

I may have missed something but I thought you said they had been seeing each other for a year, and then you said they had sex one time when he came over here, so I am not sure how many times they have actually hooked up and where. But at this point that does not matter.

Your BEST chance to stop this affair no matter what she wants is to tell the OM wife. Forget all the moral reasons why you should ( but don't really forget them), just as a self defense action the odds ( may not happen but probably will) are that if he is spending every waking moment of his life trying to save his marriage he will be a lot less inclined to want to bang your wife any more. So I hope to hell you make the damm move and do it and do not tell your wife you are doing it.

Now lets move to the bigger picture here.

YOUR WIFE IS A LIAR AND CHEAT AND DO NOT LET THIS CRAP SHE HAS GIVEN YOU ALL OF A SUDDEN MAKE YOU FORGET RIGHT NOW FOR ONE MINUTE WHAT SHE HAS BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST YEAR.

That does not mean immediately divorce her. It means you do not trust her as far as you can throw her unless you want another gut wrenching experience like you just had. One week ago even after being caught she was still lying to you under the guise of protecting you, which is SOP for WW.

You need to make sure this IC she is going to is NOT telling her to take her time to decide, because the translation of that is that you are playing the pick me game. SHE SHOULD BE BUSTING HER ASS BEGGING YOU TO TAKE HER BACK, NOT YOU SITTING THERE WAITING FOR HER TO SEE IF SHE CAN GIVE HIM UP.

Now understand her ldetting you see her work e mails means NOTHING. She can easily delete them before she comes home just like she has already done. And since you do not have OM itinerary how the hell are you supposed to know he is not travelling to her wherever she is at any time. You really going to take her word for it??????? Big mistake.

Workplace affairs are the hardest to catch and hardest to stop and monitor. In case you have not figured out where I am heading with this I'll get right to the point, and it does not matter if OM stays in that company or not.

The only way you are going to get any peace of mind is to tell her she is going to be taking a polygraph at any time of your choosing and that she better fucking pass it. And it does not matter if you even have the intention of doing it right now.

That wil put her on notice that she can try to hide whatever she wants to but she WILL get caught. This demand should be NON NEGOTIABLE!!!! If she refuses, you have your answer that she reserves the right to fool you again. She should be willing to do it any time you want to.

Your wife has NOT JUST HAD AN OUT OF LIFE EXPERIENCE AND DECIDED TO BE FAITHFUL TO YOU.

She has been caught and regrets being caught and right now she has no choice but to tell you she wants you or get divorce papers and she is not ready for that. She would have preferred to keep her family intact and have her boyfriend on gthe side and if you believe so suddenly that a lightning bolt has hit her your are making a big mistake.

She is not going to do as you say and just tell you if she wants to be with OM and resume the affair. She is going to firgure out a way to break NC on aother app or chat source as most WW do.

Your best course of action is to file for divorce and make her provev to you, not you sitting there waiting for her, that she is totally committed to you. You can stop the D any time you want to.

If you read any books by a Dr. Barry McCarthy,a pretty well know PHD author on infidenity and sexuality, he says the affair type that has the LEAST likely chance of successful reconciloiation is the "WW comparison affair", which is what you wife has been in in my opinion.

You can play defense or offense. Offense is less nerve wracking.

NOw here are a few suggestions for when she travels that others have used

(1) no partying and one on one dinners with men

(2) she tells you when she is in room fdor night, and then at some point you cvall her back on the room phone, NOT the cell phone. If she is in gthe fucking room she will answer the phone. If she has left the cell in the room to go ut you will think she is in the room

(3) she leave FACETIME or SKYPE on ALL NIGHT. You will then be able to verify if anyone comes or goes from the room. No this is not a long term thing but her WILLINGNESS to do it shows some committment.

And lastly, you need to put a VAR in her car at once and search it and every nook and crannioe of her personal space, including her lingerie drawer for a burner phone.

Now you can say all of that is too much trouble. If you take that attitude, you will be bakc here and will find out the next D Day is not any easier.

ICanOvercome, I was the OBS in my situation. It was absolutely hard to hear it from the OM's BW the detail of the A, read through copious amounts of their email and chat messages that the BW gave me. I was in full denial at first but it took the first week to get my bearings and really understand what was happening. I am forever grateful to the OM's BW for telling me the truth. That truth empowered me. In my situation and for me and my kids best interest I chose divorce and am now in my new beginning. Believe us when we say exposing to the OBS will blow up the OM's world, not push them together. If there is one sure way to determine if your WW and the OM are respecting NC, it is by exposing the A to the OBS and observe the fall out. If your WW tells you she knows you exposed to the OM, guess what? There was contact. Also, as marbou888 pointed out about her special place in her heart for the OM, that is going to very likely get vacated after the exposure when the OM contacts your WW and tells her what a bitch she is and how she ruined his life, his career, etc. etc. All of a sudden the shining white knight is revealed to be the sour jester. I STRONGLY suggest you tell the OBS as well as keep an open communication channel to her if she is willing. Ask her to lookup your wife's phone number on their own cell bill online. It'll be there in plenty under texts and voice logs. Tell her your WW's email address of the deleted account. The OBS can search it in her WH's email account and see for herself.

Look, I went through the same depressive state that you did prior to finding out about the affair. I put a lot of the blame on my shoulders at first, but as my own fog of denial cleared I began to see the forest from the trees so to speak. I too thought I had been a shitty husband. ICanOvercome, define what is being a "shitty" husband/wife/partner. Define what is being a "perfect" husband/wife/partner. Compare that to what others say. As many backgrounds, religions, cultures, in this world you will get many definitions and variations of it, some may even cross over and describe what we perceive as "shitty" behavior to be "perfect" for another, but ALL of them agree that the one truly SHITTY thing to do is cheat on your spouse. Not even people in open marriages/relationships accept infidelity. Also understand, that YOU react to the environment in your M accordingly and adapt to the situation as best as you can physically and emotionally to stabilize things for your kids. Even though you may have thought you were being "shitty" in the past you may simply have been reacting to the emotional withdrawal of your WW because she was more than likely undertaking an affair during that period. When a partner cheats, they redirect the emotional and physical energy away from the relationship with you AND your kids to the AP. Yeah, she cheated your kids too. Think back to when you caught her earlier before this one. Notice any similarities in the relationship environment between the two? Notice it in any other time where you didn't catch her undertaking an A?

I want to go back on what your mentioned earlier here -

I was too quick to say that I wanted to stay in the marriage.

Then tell her you have rethought going D or R and that right now all you want is to get out of infidelity. If she asks you what that means, just tell her that for the moment you still believe she is in the affair and that without transparency (getting access to her email, phone, computer, online accounts access, info on whereabouts, staying at her current job, etc.) and accountability (owning her affair in full to you, in IC, to family, to friends, coworkers) you have no way of knowing otherwise and that it is on her to prove to you she isn't in contact with her AP. Tell her that deleting those emails did not help that cause. All you do can observe is her actions. Her words have little value as it has been pointed out many times here that cheaters do LIE.

(on a side note, ask your attorney if those emails can be discoverable. Even though they get deleted, they are typically backed up for an interim so there may be time to recover these. You don't have to go through them but let your attorney and your brother go through them for relevant info. Yes, much of it is fantasy fluff but sometimes they reveal things to each other they never told you, like previous affairs, abuse, criminal mischief, drug dependencies, etc. that could really help your situation or help you make a decision.)

You're getting a grip on this fine so far. Just don't delaying letting the OBS know.

icanovercome

https://support.google.com/a/answer/1397578?hl=en

Read this. You can retrieve her gmail account.

That is up to you.

I don't want you to read their emails so that you become consumed with mind movies.

I want you to get the emails so you know just how deep they were in the affair.

And if anyone else was involved.

The choice is yours. And how far into the rabbit hole you go is yours.

HM

ICan,

Your posts made me feel a little better. I don't hear the sounds of that broom so loud anymore.

This is a dangerous time for you. Your WW has told you the A is over. She promised she wants to be with you, etc etc etc and as a loving and faithful BH you want so hard to believe her. It's so easy to breath a big sigh of relief and say "thank God that's over, we can get on with our lives now" Don't get complacent. You're still in verify mode.

I'm glad to hear that you're following through with the lawyer next week. Have those papers drawn up. You don't even have to have them filed yet. You have them and she knows you have them. That's enough for you for now.

I was gutted and I won't forget that.

Good. Don't. Remember what this woman who claimed for the last year that she loved you did to you and your family. Remember what she's capable of. Use that to keep yourself on guard.

Right now I am not allowing her to hurt me again

Good. That's the whole point of the 180. Not to punish the WS, but to protect the BS while you heal and find yourself. Sometimes it causes the WS to wake up and realize what they're risking, but that's just a side effect.

Maybe it is a sign I've checked out for a bit. I'm on a personal journey right now.

I'm sure you have. You've been gut-shot, stabbed, pushed off a bridge and then stomped on. All by the person you trusted most in life to never hurt you. Your focus now is on protecting you and your kids.

I am going to do my best to not believe the words, but the actions.

And what actions are you seeing? Your WW should be falling all over herself right know to help you. What's she going to do when the angry times come (and they will)?

I don't have many friends anymore

Go find some. Go look up old ones. Rediscover all the good things there is about ICan besides that he's a husband and father. Find out what he likes to do and go do it.

Today I might break down

You might. And that's OK. Holding emotions inside until they come out in unhealthy ways is, well, unhealthy. This is where your IC comes in. I went twice a week for two months and then once a week for another five. It gave me a place I could let my emotions out. I could vent the anger or tears depending on the day.

The knowledge that I was strong enough to make it through. That I could do this, whatever my decision ends being

I truly believe that.

I'm not going to repeat all the other good advice you got today from people better qualified than me, but I'm going to pick up something Jduff said:

I was the OBS in my situation. It was absolutely hard to hear it from the OM's BW the detail of the A, read through copious amounts of their email and chat messages that the BW gave me

As was I. Don't know if you read my thread, but in my case the OBS waited eight months to call me on the phone and say "this is the wife of the guy your wife is fucking. Just thought you should know." Some tact, huh?

I am forever grateful to the OM's BW for telling me the truth. That truth empowered me.

Amen. There's not a lot more I can say than that. I only wish she hadn't waited eight months to tell me. That's eight more months I was living in a lie. Eight more months that I was exposed to God knows what. Eight more months that I didn't act because I didn't have a clue what was really happening. I firmly believe that every BS owes a obligation to inform the OBS what is going on in their (OBS) marriage. So they can finally make an informed decision. Don't wait eight months to do it. And try and have a little more compassion and tact than OBS in my case.

Look, I went through the same depressive state that you did prior to finding out about the affair. I put a lot of the blame on my shoulders at first, but as my own fog of denial cleared I began to see the forest from the trees so to speak. I too thought I had been a shitty husband.

Again, not a lot I can say here except "Ditto" and hope you think I'm as eloquent

I am going to keep coming here. Often.

Good, we're here to listen when you need to vent. We're here to offer advice when you need it. We're here to offer support when you're down. We all know what you're going through.

Message sent. I just paid the dollar to know it went to her inbox instead of to the other folder.

That was hard to do. I feel dirty having done that. Honestly, I don't know if he won't intercept it. If she won't believe it, etc.

In the end, that may have done nothing and I am again waiting to find out. At least it is done.

Just curious, but does anyone know if there is some kind of danger window? I mean, how long are they most susceptible of contacting each other again? Is this forever or if they get past a month, six months, a year then they are highly unlikely to rekindle their affair?

Just curious, but does anyone know if there is some kind of danger window? I mean, how long are they most susceptible of contacting each other again? Is this forever or if they get past a month, six months, a year then they are highly unlikely to rekindle their affair?

They have the same skills to phony up remorse as the skills they had in hiding their cheating for weeks, months, or years. The skills at masking truth is well honed. My WW did a contact after 9 months of NC.

Is there a "danger window". The window of danger with most that cheat is almost always open at least a small crack.

Thats the beauty on this shit storm (only kidding). It is like a drone attack. It can strike again at any time.

Whether or not they reignite this affair, and by the way I hope you do not believe it is totally over so you are way ahead of yourself, depends on YOUR handling of the consequences.

Unless your wife actually believes that you are not going to give her any more chances, they will reconnect on some social media or company e mail of some kind. And you already know she has banged him in your home town when he came here so like I told you without his itinerary don't lull yourself to sleep.

And you have no way to know if gtheir phone conversations are "innocent" or not.

So if you are looking for some kind of specific guideline that says in three months you are safe, that is Disneyland.

This was a long term affair (1 year) and you are either going to stay in snoop mode or get whacked again so you better put your football helmet on and mentally be ready. If you read these other threads you will see clearly what happens to thosde who become blissfully ignorant.

You need to get a VAR in her car like you have been told a number of times already and if you have not yet visited Best Buy than you are not listening. And you need to be looking for a burner phone in her car, her lingerie drawer, or any other place that you ordinarily would not look.

You are less than two weeks in and if you do not accept that she is not at all trustworthy than you need to snap out of it.

And lastly, you SHOULD be telling her that at some point in the future ( do not tell her any date) she will be asked to take a polygraph. You need to do that for two reasons even if you have no intention of doing it.

(1) to see her reaction. If she has not intention of cheating any more and has told you all the truth she should have no fear at all. She should welcome the opportunity to PROVE that she is being faithful and deserves the gift of R you are offering her.

(2) it will become clear to her if she believes you will have divorce papers ready to hand her if she fails the test that you are not fucking around and will dissuade her from testing youyr boundaries. Or she will ignore them and that will also tell you something.

Her girlfriend thatg was her cheerleader has to go. Not because she did not tell you if she was just your wifes girlfriend, but because you need to show your wife that enemies of the marriage are not allowed. Especially if thiis girlfriend was used as cover for her or that you know encouraged her.

So, back to your oroginal question. There is no statute of limitations where your WW a safe partner just because you yelled at her. You cannot control that at all. What you can control are the consequences of an other fuck up and the clear message of what will occur that she believes.

Right now she is has been carrying a torrid affair with another man for a year, is still living in her comfortable home, and still has her family intact.And up until a few days ago still had a boyfriend on the side (still does). You need to change that dynamic big time

[This message edited by nononsense at 6:00 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

I am definitely working on it. I am going to get a VAR, though I don't know how much good it will do. I wasn't sure if best buy actually sold them in stores or just online.

I will search for a burner phone.

I figured your answer would be like that. I wanted to know to make an informed decision. I know that I cannot trust my heart right now. I am trying to use my brain. It sucks and this sneaking around goes against my core though I know it's necessary.

Post a new thread in General here and title it

"Tech Support"- VAR

Ask for make , model , and where purchased that others have used

Ask for batteries to get

Ask for Velcro to use

Tell what kind of car your wife drives

Ask for any advice on how to make sure light or noise does not go off

There are 40000 people registered on SI . You will get every specific answer you need

You can be sure if your wife was telling her girlfriend all of the details of her affair she is going to be telling her every detail of what she is doing now and she will be talking in her car. Remember , she does not have to be talking to him in UK for you to find out all you need to know.

Your wife even though she is the cheater here is going through some shock also. Her little fantasyland has just been blown up and she is going to need someone to talk to on what she is doing . And if she is trying to figure out how to fool you again you can bet your bottom dollar her girlfriend will be consulted

Ask the attorney what if any the legal implications are in your state. In most states it only takes consent of one party and you are consenting . No matter what you hear you do not tell her anything on how you know .

And while you are at it out the GPS on her car . In two weeks you may have no idea where this OM is employed and I hope you are not going to believe every word she tells you about that .

And you might want to buy a second VAR for the house if she works from home . We are not talking about a lot of money here and make sure you purchase with cash or a credit card that she does not see transactions on

[This message edited by nononsense at 8:16 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]

The statute of limitations......

For my WH, at his "height",was when I'd started to feel safe. After DD1, When he'd stood in front of all our friends and family in a Registry Office - looked me deep in the eyes - and Swore an oath at our marriage ceremony; and a deeper, private vow to me, that he'd never, ever cheat on me or hurt me again.

I honestly believed him.

He may have even meant it at the time.....

.... however, turns out that he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't keep that personal promise or the public vow.

You need to understand, that wayward thinking (especially serial unfaithful behaviours) are sometimes intrinsic.

I'm sorry if I come over as jaded and cynical.

Strength and love to you and your dealing with your situation.

Shields up, chins up and good luck to you in your journey through infidelity.

Just curious, but does anyone know if there is some kind of danger window? I mean, how long are they most susceptible of contacting each other again? Is this forever or if they get past a month, six months, a year then they are highly unlikely to rekindle their affair?

She was really attached to this guy, "in love," and has obsessed over him for years. I don't see it ending if she stays in the same company, too much time she sees him/talks with him/hears about him. Makes her think about him.

Once she leaves the job, and she won't see him, the danger/susceptible drops way down. Just my opinion.

She is not strong, she is weak. It is an addiction, she even said that, referred to like cocaine. Only a day or two ago she had not yet decided whether to pick you or him (of note, she believes she can choose which one she wants, she KNOWS you will take her back if she screws up, and of course other man prefers if you stay married, he only wants her on the side for sex). But anyway, she is on the roller coaster, one day she talks with other man, and she thinks she wants to choose him, then the next day she has a good afternoon with you and the kids and she realizes she wants to choose you, tomorrow back at work she will be hearing about other man and she will realize who the heck is she kidding, she loves him and can't give him up, then the following day something will tug at her heart with the kids or you and she will change her mind again.

If you tell the other man's wife, anything can happen, other man's wife might dump the other man, but most likely other man will fight to stay in his marriage, he will have to tell your wife in front of other man's wife listening that the affair is over, and that will be devastating for your wife, because she thinks other man will fight for her, not for the other man's wife. That helps her NARRATIVE changes.

What is your wife's narrative in her head? What is yours? We all have in our heads a narrative about our lives. It is what we say to each other about how did we get from where we were to where we are now to where we are going to next. It is what we say about who we are, and who are the people like in our lives. For example, in your narrative you met a woman who you fell in love and she fell in love with you, got married, had kids, and expected to live happily ever after, even though it wasn't all roses, but you were going through the good and bad together. You had a very positive feeling about your wife, that no matter whatever faults she may have, that she was faithful and loving. Now your narrative has come in doubt.

What about your wife's narrative? What was she thinking about you and your marriage, how she thought about how she got there, was it a mistake that she married you, was she planning the next part of her life would somehow be with the other man?

Actions, not words. When is she quitting?

ICan,

Just curious, but does anyone know if there is some kind of danger window? I mean, how long are they most susceptible of contacting each other again? Is this forever or if they get past a month, six months, a year then they are highly unlikely to rekindle their affair?

I'm sorry to say the danger window is the rest of your life. Your WW knows she can do it, and get away with it, and it's easy. There's always some POS slimeball who's willing to screw a married woman, and that she liked it. Does that mean she will? Not necessarily. That depends on her. On her getting to the bottom of whatever it is about her that made her vulnerable to having an A. On her doing the hard work to fix that, and then the hard work to fix her M. if she choses to do those hard things of her own free will then possibly the chances of being a repeat offender goes way down.

BUT, you have no control over that. Whether your WW cheats again is beyond your control. YOU DO NOT CONTROL THE OUTCOME. YOU CANNOT TRULY CONTROL ANOTHER PERSON. Now read that again. That was very hard for me to come to terms with. In real life, I'm an IT engineer. I manage, I analyze, I specify, I plan, I implement, I delegate, I fix. In short, I control, all day every day. What I cannot control are the choices my WW made. The only control you truly have are your own choices. If your WW chooses to have another A, or continue this one, then your control is to D her. If your WW chooses to re-commit to your M and fix herself then perhaps your choice is to attempt R. The only control any of us have in our lives are our own choices and our reactions to other's choices.

I'm not trying to bum you out, but you need to develop a zen-like attitude here. If you choose R, then you need to realize that at some point in the future your WW may choose to have another A. (Not necessarily will, but may) And there's nothing you can do to stop her. Not one damn thing. But if she does, fully knowing the consequences and that she has used her one and only get out of jail card, then you know what your choice will be.

Keep posting... Let us help...

[This message edited by tbkjcn at 9:54 AM, July 19th (Sunday)]