This Topic is Archived
quedagh ( member #24195) posted at 4:33 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
Ha! first double post (that I can recall)! Sorry about that.
[This message edited by quedagh at 10:36 AM, June 7th (Tuesday)]
It may not define you but it sure as hell will affect how you think for the rest of your life.
Marc878 ( member #52592) posted at 5:35 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
Send the burner phone off if you want more knowledge or risk a reset. Why not?
When things get really bad they can always get worse so be prepared. However, the sun will come up in the AM and you can get through it.
Sybo ( member #46689) posted at 6:54 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
Wow man...I mean wow. God bless these non no fault states. Really happy for you although I know it's bittersweet.
Any attempts or promises of R from her are going to be pure self-preservation going forward. You know you are going to clean her clock in the divorce so you keep that D moving along.
If any part of you wants to humor R in the future...you make sure you don't entertain that until after D is DONE. This settlement is a wet dream !!!
DDAY Feb 2015
Divorce finalized 4/4/16
Update: EX gave Nail Boy the boot 3/18 - Fairy tales don't last apparantly
My new zipcode is ZERO FUCKS GIVEN. It's a great town.
wk55hn ( member #44159) posted at 7:31 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
I would feel sorry for her except she was so heartless.
I agree with Curious' analysis, she has been told that you will have to pay and she will receive the lifestyle to which she has been accustomed.
I have not seen any love throughout this, certainly not for you, but oddly to me, not even for her kids. She has become a true pod person. Even when she was asking you to work on the marriage, she never said one nice thing to you.
Can you remember the last time she said something nice to you about you - like she loves you, or you are handsome or smart or witty or reliable, heck, even you smell nice?
How about the kids? Does she say anything nice to them? I love you, great race, etc.?
[This message edited by wk55hn at 1:32 PM, June 7th (Tuesday)]
convert ( member #46684) posted at 8:52 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
Wow man...I mean wow. God bless these non no fault states. Really happy for you although I know it's bittersweet.
Any attempts or promises of R from her are going to be pure self-preservation going forward. You know you are going to clean her clock in the divorce so you keep that D moving along.
If any part of you wants to humor R in the future...you make sure you don't entertain that until after D is DONE. This settlement is a wet dream !!!
I agree
BH - me 48
WW - 46
one son
together 28 years
married 25 years
in R - trying anyway
nme1 ( member #44360) posted at 9:33 PM on Tuesday, June 7th, 2016
This is great news.
I agree with the others, she may try one more pitch at R, but you know her motives.
Me: BS
Him: WS
M 16 yrs 2 x DS
D-Day 6th March 2014
mblink (original poster member #52745) posted at 1:18 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2016
First day of summer vacation for the kids. Home with her all day, they had a talk abut our situation. According to the kids... she cried told them that I wouldn't try to fix it, she needed a friend and that is what the OM was, I was distant and she needed a companion, I wanted to take them away from her, I was kicking her out, etc.
The kids didn't buy it. Daughter spoke up and got in trouble. The kids and I went for a basketball workout after dinner and this stuff took over the conversation. I told them what we had laid out yesterday, 50 50 and she was probably staying at the house through July
My kids already knew this but it was the right thing to reassure them. No worries.
Marc878 ( member #52592) posted at 1:35 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2016
My, my still in denial. Jeeze
When things get really bad they can always get worse so be prepared. However, the sun will come up in the AM and you can get through it.
5454real ( member #37455) posted at 2:01 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2016
Trying to involve the kids?
Classy
There definitely is an underlying personality disorder. Problem is, which one? She is symptomatic of several and it seems to depend on the day.
She definitely is not R material at this point. Maybe after years of therapy, but first she has to admit that she is her own worst enemy.
Don't think she can.
Strength, keep being the kids safe place.
BH 58, WW 49
DS 31(Mine),SD 29,SS 28(Hers),DS 16 Ours, DGS 11, DGD 8, DGS 3
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
"I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone."
― Sophocle
antlered ( member #46011) posted at 2:34 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2016
You definitely should document what she said to the kids immediately. Have your attorney advise you on this. This is parental alienation. Stockpile your ammo as she hands it to you.
It is my understanding that unlike division of assets and spousal support, custody and support is NOT set in stone in the decree. She can file "changed circumstances" at any point until they're 18.
forgot to add: AWESOME JOB! Well done.
[This message edited by antlered at 8:35 PM, June 7th (Tuesday)]
"Being cheated on was at once the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me.
"There is a huge amount of strength to be had from walking the path of integrity."
Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 1:31 PM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2016
... she cried told them that I wouldn't try to fix it, she needed a friend and that is what the OM was, I was distant and she needed a companion, I wanted to take them away from her, I was kicking her out, etc.
The thing is I think she truly believes this. That the divorce is because YOU wouldn't go to MC after her affair...and that the Affair was justified because your marriage had "problems". She has held strong to this belief from the start regardless of what you, the court, or even the kids have said.
As far ask "kicking her out and taking the kids away" in her mind this could be true if... she didn't believe you would ACTUAL WANT her to leave the house. You might have said things and she might have said things ...in her fantasy world she might not have believe that you didn't want her there.
I'm not one that pushes counseling but I do believe your kids could use some to asses if they can handle their Mom's neediness and flightiness on their own. While it was fine to excuse her behavior before because you were a reliable back-up... you aren't always going to be there to help with her manic mood swings...It doesn't have to be long term... just someone unrelated to talk to and make sure they know they are not responsible to take care of/or the cause of Mom's happiness/unhappiness. Just something to think about.
The kids didn't buy it. Daughter spoke up and got in trouble
I'm guessing your daughter called her mom out on the "just friends" part of it. WW wasn't discreet about the Affair - It's got to hurt to have seen their Mom excitedly attend all of OM's games but miss so many of theirs. Also, when a parent is late or forgets about picking up their child it makes the child feel "unimportant" if it's done consistently I'm sure it starts to really hurt. I guess this is the main reason I'm pushing counseling... I would think your children, considering their age, would be much more angry with their Mom. They may have been conditioned to think... "That's just the way she is" and to "help" her because of the depression.
On another note... I love reading about how you talk with your kids and play games with them and that they seem to understand what's going on. You are doing great.
[This message edited by Freeme at 5:05 AM, June 9th (Thursday)]
farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 4:52 AM on Thursday, June 9th, 2016
I just caught up with this new thread, Mblink.
I am very happy that your settlement conference went so well.
Involving the kids in manipulation is an act of a desperate or disordered person (or both).
One foot in front of the other, brother.
Before you know it, she will be moved out, and it will be football and white tail season.
Let's Go Mountaineers.
“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
-Maya Angelou
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 4:53 AM on Thursday, June 9th, 2016
I'm glad to hear that reality has set in, and that you now have a timeline to get her out of the house and out of your life. What I would say, is be very careful. Now that reality is sinking in, she very likely will try several tactics to try to get what she thinks she deserves. Everything from trying to seduce you to trying to get the police involved because of domestic violence. Frankly, since she is NOT in your bedroom right now, I'd put a lock on it and keep it locked at all times. Keep that VAR on you. And other than child care, try very hard to be as NC with her as possible. Hang in there.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
mblink (original poster member #52745) posted at 9:37 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2016
The changing of the seasons can't get here fast enough. My lawyer had to keep me in line today, just pay the bills and remember what the end goal is. You're almost there and we will have an agreement within a month. Hang in there. I keep telling myself that.
Skan ( member #35812) posted at 11:02 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2016
^^^ Definitely remember what your "victory" conditions are, short term and long term. Short term, getting her out of the house, so make everything that you do support that goal.
Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
SCARLETT94 ( member #52566) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2016
I'm very proud of you mblink!
"Don't look back, you're not going that way" Ragnar Lothbrok
Bazinga! TBBT
Sassenach... Jamie Fraser
Hippo16 ( member #52440) posted at 12:28 AM on Friday, June 10th, 2016
mblink
please post your 1st thread URL
or anyone? I would like to see your whole story
Thanks
There's no troubled marriage that can't be made worse with adultery."For a person with integrity, there is no possibility of being unhappy enough in your marriage to have an affair, but not unhappy enough to ask for divorce."
Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 12:50 AM on Friday, June 10th, 2016
My lawyer had to keep me in line today, just pay the bills and remember what the end goal is. You're almost there and we will have an agreement within a month.
I like your lawyer, she sounds great. What is your WW's mood? Is she depressed on the couch or manic happy or dropping hints about how awesome she is...Angry, blame mode...or trying to reach out mode?
Will she need to pay her own legal fees? Has she mentioned anything about what went on at court to you?
I just find it hard to believe she wouldn't be showing remorse (or regret) after what went down on Monday.
mblink (original poster member #52745) posted at 1:12 AM on Friday, June 10th, 2016
Exercise buddies:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=582987
Exercise buddies #2
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=584413
Both in the just found out forum.
She has been in the manic, maniac, happy phase. We have had very little intact or interactions since monday. It's all my fault and I am screwing her out of what she had and deserves. She doesn't acknowledge me and that's ok. It would be an awful lot easier if she would leave.... but she is not going anywher. I ti k her mom is even tired of her because she stopped going there also.
I think it sucks to have to pay for the car,phone,house,utilities, etc so she can sit here and use them. But the end is I sight. I left $400 in the bank as a just in case. Everything else is secured elsewhere.
I was/am a bit surprised she didn't try a false R to save some face, and gain sone stability before she has to move out. It would not have worked but it was surprising.
GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, June 10th, 2016
I was/am a bit surprised she didn't try a false R to save some face, and gain sone stability before she has to move out.
Don't let your guard down just yet. I'm sure its coming soon... 
Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)
WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
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