SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thanks for all the support and kind words. As someone said, I definitely knew when I posted what I wanted to end up doing and just needed a final sanity check. You have all provided that, plus filled in some significant holes in my thinking.

Against some of your advice, I did go through with my plan of telling WW prior to the reveal and allowing AP a short window of time to do the telling himself. I get the risks in this approach, but I needed to do it this way for me and I managed the risks as best I could. If any of those risks come true, I’ll deal with it then. So far it appears to have gone well.

He informed me once she was told and I followed up immediately by emailing her 2 letters – one was an apology from me and offer of support, the second was attached in a separate file with some of my experience and advice if she wanted to read it. She replied rather quickly, and I was shocked how well she was initially taking the news. She said right off that she forgives them and wants to keep this in the past. I have very mixed emotions about this. She is a naturally kind person, but I really hope she doesn’t rug sweep. I believe she may have done something in the past that required his forgiveness, so that’s probably a factor. I feel great relief that she knows, but now question more than ever why I was carrying such a burden for so long. My guess is that as things sink in, she is going to struggle more. We have emailed back and forth a few times this morning and I can already sense she is absorbing more and opening up to the natural negative emotions. She is glad to know and wished she had known sooner. This is certainly a tough reminder of what discovery felt like.

As far as WW – I agree she is not doing all that she needs to be doing, she has some serious issues, and that she would benefit from IC. I’ve brought it up. She is resistant, but her mindset seems to be shifting. She knows there are a whole lot of deep-seated issues from her childhood to deal with, and I’m sure it’s a scary road to start down for her. Our R is definitely on shaky ground though. I believe having this lie out of the way will help, but her behaviors need to be addressed regardless. Right now I’m waiting to see how the dust settles after forcing the truth out.

Quick question, are you certain it is the OBS you are exchanging emails with? The cynic in me thinks that "she" might be taking this so well because it is WW or AP acting like her.

Quick question, are you certain it is the OBS you are exchanging emails with? The cynic in me thinks that "she" might be taking this so well because it is WW or AP acting like her.

For what it's worth, HRT, about six months after D-day I gave my wife a simple choice. She could either make an appointment with an IC or a divorce lawyer. She chose wisely.

My question also... are you sure those emails weren't intercepted?

Does she know of the evidence you have ?

I have to agree, that sounds shady as all get out. Who does that? I can't think of one OBS that posts here that responded like that. I'd go out of my way to run into her and secondly, I would bet money the affair is still on and it's them working jointly.

So now that the OBS has been informed will the "friendship" continue? I hope your WW sees that by doing so she still has a connection to her AP. If all parties have been exposed then I believe it's best to go NC.

I think it would be wise to set up a face to face meeting with her. Play it safe as they had enough time to get their act together and it may not be her.

I would assume that their friendship is over now?

Good suggestion. Face to face. She has to have a lot of questions after realizing that all the while she was in a friendship with your wife, your wife was also in a sexual relationship with her husband. Gotta know the wife is struggling

That response is the standard one received when the cheater has been given a heads up...she's taking it kinda well don't you think? The rest of us were on the floor contemplating suicide and this OBS is taking it like a trooper.

I'd confirm with a phone call.

Hopefully HRT123's lack of posting means that he had audio or visual contact with the OBS to verify her awareness. Hope in one hand...

wow just catching this thread. what a terrible emotional situation for the OPto be placed in. the only thing that concerns me is giving the WS opportunity to tell themselves i wonder if the OBS was actually ever told & like some shared concern with, is it truly the OBS exchanging emails with OBS? i hope all is well for you, HRT123

Cheaters lie a lot. How do you know the other mans wife knows?

Id bet everything is coming from the other man. This has happened before.

You are acting very weak here.

Talk with no action doesn't get you anything. You are just enabling her continued behavior and she's taking full advantage.

If you're smart you stop getting played.

Better wake up

Geez you guys are laying it on thick.

I needed to comment to say that I "took it well", too.

Yes, OBS was VERY suspicious that I was my WH and eventually we had a phone call so he could confirm he was speaking to me and not WH. But that was some time later, not on day 1 when I was trying to keep my head above water.

I don't like surprises. Everyone knew this was going on and talked about it behind this woman's back. Her feelings of shared pain with the OP will come but on that first day I'm sure her primary emotion was that of being the kid with nowhere to sit in the cafeteria. I don't blame her for declaring her 'team' as her WH. I did the same thing. It might not be a genius move but as a natural instinct it makes a lot of sense.

OP you did the right thing. As much as you want to trust them and they've done some things right, you really can never know if AP might be seeing other women or planning to, and this is the best way to protect OBS. You were and continue to be a good friend to her!

Gently, if you want a good R, you'll need to welcome conflict. Issues come up in relationships. The longer they are unaddressed and unresolved, the harder it is to address and resolve them.

Every issue the 2 of you resolve together helps build R. Ignoring issues has the 2ndary disadvantage of preventing you from building bonds.

You know your W needs IC. You know her relationship with OBS is sick. Why have you been so slow in addressing these (and other?) issues?

I urge you to develop requirements for R - 'requirements', as in 'Do this or D.'

If that task seems too great right now, I recommend adopting Unhinged's method.

You can do this, bro.

Justincase, you have a PM.

Let's focus on current threads. This is an old thread and the last comment was from March before it was resurrected.

Are you not upset she’s not being honest and transparent with you?

That would be 🚩🚩🚩 for me

OMG! When that other BS finds out (and you should tell her), your WW better hide. I would want to beat the shit out of her if my WH AP continued to act like my friend! That just shows that she has no empathy or remorse. She wouldnt be able to look the other BS in the face if she did.

Sorry,didnt realize this was old.

[This message edited by Dontwanttogiveup at 8:11 AM, November 10th (Friday)]