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There is a thread in the I Can Relate Forum that deals with double betrayals. Please go there and read the stories.

It's sickening that your WW would continue a friendship knowing that she has had sex with her husband. It's perverse.

And you're playing a part in her sick game. What does your WW tell you for reasons that she wants to remain friends with her?

Please tell her quickly so she can make decisions about her life. I really can't imagine that she would remain friends with the woman who was having sex with her husband if she knew the truth.

If you knew OM was abusing his kids, would you tell OBS? Would you give him the heads up so he can hide the evidence and make you sound crazy so that the secret can be kept?

OBS is being abused my her husband and her friend - and you want to let that continue. How lovely that you are able to talk about all the choices you get to make with this information but you deny OBS the right to make those same choices.

I'm a mandatory reporter - when I suspect abuse I must report even if I think it's a minor spanking. The responsibility is agonizing....especially when I know the family to be a loving one. But I need that sitch to be investigated just in case. I know a knock on the door from CAS (canada's CPS) will be traumatic for the family. But I do the right thing. I let the powers that be make the necessary choices. You need to allow OBS the right to make her choices....and she can't while she doesn't have the info.

I told a friend who knew but didn't tell me - you knew. You didn't tell me. That makes you complicent in their affair. You are part of the betrayal.

[This message edited by sassylee at 10:12 AM, March 26th (Sunday)]

Don't warn anyone.

Get your facts in hand, and meet the OBS in her parking lot at work or something. Or for 100.00 hire a PI to tell her, or go on the Investigative Forum on SI and have someone make a phone call for you.

It's OBS decision if she wants to break up her family, but you continuing to let her be abused is so wrong. I know. OW was my "friend".

Also she may be able to fill in some gaps for you - like maybe ur wife said she was with OBS, but OBS might have been out of town that day. I think your WW is most likely still wanting to hear stories/catch glimpses of her lover.

You are being used for $$ and a home, in my opinion. She doesn't care that this is not living an authentic life. She's caught up in the euphoria of still being close to OM's life. She knows OBS will relay stories of their time together to OM which keeps him thinking/fantasizing about your wife.

She's kind of like an alcoholic who keeps going to bars because he has "friends" there. Instead of doing the work to change their life.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 10:54 AM, March 26th (Sunday)]

As someone for whom the OW was a friend, this is absolutely horrible. The OBS could have HPV RIGHT NOW but doesn't know it and it could be mutating into LITERAL cancer as you dawdle trying to protect her feelings.

A person's life is literally in danger when there is sexual adultery they are unaware of because they aren't being tested.

What is better? Kids who have to potentially deal with divorce or kids with a dead mother?

Please tell the OBS and quit excusing this awfulness.

[This message edited by strugglebus at 11:58 AM, March 26th (Sunday)]

I've decided and she will know now by the end of the day. Here we go...

Good luck, HRT123, I think you are doing the right thing. OBS told me, and I am grateful that he did as I was totally clueless. You are doing the right thing even though it is a tough thing to have to do. You are saving her more pain in the future, if this situation was left to fester long term. Well done!

You are doing her a great act of kindness. I wish someone had told me...when I learned how many knew, I sort of lost faith in humanity. Thank you for allowing OBS this insight into her life.

I've decided and she will know now by the end of the day.

Good for you man. You are doing he right thing. This could be your first step toward taking control of your own life and destiny.

While it is the right thing, that doesn't make it easy. Sending strength!!

I've decided and she will know now by the end of the day. Here we go...

Good luck, HRT. Well done, man.

good for you HRT. It's a true kindness to tell her.

You are making a very good decision. I failed to tell the OBS 4 1/2 years ago when I found out about my WH's affair. I was told that he ended it and I believed him. I thought that if I told the OBS it would affect any chance of reconciliation with my WH. The affair went underground soon after that and I regret every day that I didn't tell him. If I had, the affair would have had a better chance of ending. Two weeks ago today I intercepted a text from the same AP asking my WH to meet up. Let the OBS know as soon as possible.

Good for you! This is the right thing for all involved.

Keep in mind if doing the right thing was easy 100% of the time, we would all be doing the right thing. It will be rocky, no doubt, but you have here and we will support you in the aftermath.

Go you!

Sending you positive thoughts... I'd say strength but you are proving how strong you are by taking control of your life and doing the right thing by the OBS.

I do believe you always knew that you would when you originally posted but probably needed support for the tough decision.

Keep us posted.

I haven't read the whole thread. As a WW I just wanted to say that a huge part of my growth and change is honesty. Learning to be authentic and live with integrity. Remaining friends with this woman after having a sexual relationship with her husband is a HUGE red flag that your WW isn't changing. If she can look this woman in the face and continue to act like nothing is wrong, then she can do the same to you. This is also a connection to AP that is completely unnecessary. How does it make you feel that OBS is probably discussing AP with WW? How does it make you feel that WW is voluntarily putting herself in that position?

Your WW has a long way to go. Is she in IC?

You are doing the right thing. And I know it's painful because, even though the ultimate cause is the action of your wife and her husband, there is still a feeling of responsibility when you are the messenger of such news.

Understand that she may not take it well. She may be angry with you. She may tell you never to contact her again. She may say some awful things about both you and your wife. But you are still doing the right thing. In the heat of the moment, she will hurt and she will be angry. But she will be also be able to make decisions that were taken from her. She may choose not to have STD testing- but now she has a choice. She may choose not to reconcile- but now she has a choice. What you have given her are the tools to figure out the best way to plan out her own future based on the truth of who her husband is and what kind of marriage she has truly been in. You are doing the right thing. She may not tell you that in the heat of the moment. But you are. And I'm very sorry that it hurts to do it. Sometimes, being the bearer of the truth is as painful as hearing it.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 7:59 PM, March 26th (Sunday)]

HRT, all the best on exposing to the OBS.

Just throwing my 5cts worth here, it could be possible that your WW is maintaining a 'friendship' with the OBS, so that she still has a link to her AP (living vicariously thru the OBS, so that there are still some unicorns about).

An alternative thought, is that she is maintaining the contact, because she has some guilt, and wants to do good for the OBS, but extending her friendship, and helping OBS out.

Both rationales smack of insincerity.

Exposure and NC is a must.

How did it go, HRT?

Sometimes the OBS doesn't want to hear the truth and can punish the messenger. But you can almost always process the pain of the OBS's anger or denial pretty quickly.

Often the WS can get really angry about telling the OBS. That may tell you a lot about the WS - it says she may not be a good candidate for R.

Did you contact the OBS yet?