SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I dont think you're crazy. I think you're going through hell. It's natural to want the person we loved back. It's even worse when they give us a glimmer of hope, then snatch it away like she did.

You've come a long way. You do what you need to do. No one here (at least in my house) is going to judge you for it. There are a ton of us who are praying that she had actually changed.

I'm praying for you br549.

Heehaw...

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:34 AM, April 14th (Friday)]

I'M sorry that you're going through the rollercoaster of emotions Br.

Back on the 180 horse for you, I think.

Also a word of warning.

It is pretty much legal understanding that children should have equal contact with both parents wherever possible.

I'm pretty sure that a postnup giving you full custody in the event of divorce would NOT stand up if challenged in court.

Stay strong.

Keep calm.

Sending you peace, MOB

why do you feel this marriage is worth saving ?

Your wife is acting off the wall crazy, she's a cheat and she has no regard for you, your kids and your financial stability. yet, you are hellbent on reconciling.

How is that safe for you and your kids ? It's not

You have to understand the reality and truth of this, it's not hard really, but the inner feelings you are left with are, the woman you love and married is no more she left you, she has gone forever, the new woman you now see is all that's available now in your marriage she won't magically change back, it's you that will have to change your life if you want remain with her, a life of unhappiness as I see it.

Are you ready to do this, I wouldn't be, but it's your life, that's the harsh reality and truth of it.

Regards BJE49

Here goes an update.

I have definitely made mistakes dealing with this. I didn't listen to people here as much as I should.

My wife's attempt to try reconciliation didn't work out well. I really wanted to reconcile. But, I was also afraid and didn't trust her. So, I sent her my "demands" list and she didn't like it at all.

But, I still wanted to try to reconcile. So, we met the next day to spend the time with the kids as a family. Well, we fought the whole time and she was driving me crazy because she still wasn't accepting blame. She still said something about me destroying her life which is just insane to me.

I still wanted to reconcile so I communicated with her some more. But, at some point, I got the sense that she was playing me or something. So, I told her that it was obvious that she was still the affair wife and that I can't be with that person. She got really mad at me.

We still kept the "counseling" session we had scheduled. Well, it was a complete disaster. She started off by basically saying her goal for the counseling was to convince me to give her more time with the kids. Then, she proceeded to lie, twist and manipulate every aspect of our 8 year marriage to turn it into basically a terrible marriage.

It was horrible. That did it for me. I walked away from that knowing that I have to write her off. If the old wife comes back, then maybe we can heal this family and marriage. But, I'm not counting on it.

She still plans on being with this guy. I will not stand for my kids to be around this guy.

I do wish I would have listened better. I had other people in my ear, too. It is very hard because my kids and family mean so much to me, but I think I would be in a different space right now if I had. Or maybe I'm actually finally where I'm supposed to be because right now...

[This message edited by br549 at 1:31 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

Now is the time that you need to be very careful, and by that, I mean careful to protect yourself from a Domestic Violence complaint. This is a very typical move by a WW when the reality of exactly what the consequences of divorce start to sink in. It's happened NUMEROUS times here, and there are people here who were arrested, had an RO placed against them, were thrown out of their house, and kept away from their kids, because of a vengeful WW. And there are people here who, by taking a few simple precautions, did not have all of that happen to them, when the police were called.

Get yourself at least one VAR (Voice Activated Recorder). It needs to be on you any time you interact with your WW. If your phone will record, then have that going as a backup as well. One person actually got a Go Pro and had that on every time he had to interact with his WW. Never touch her. Even holding her off of you if she attacks you can get police involvement if there is a bruise. As a matter of fact, if she does attack you, make sure you call the police and ask for a RO, and get a copy of the police report when they take her away, to help with your custody case.

You may not think that it will come to this, and you may be right. However you also thought that your WW was a loving wife and mother, and here you are. It's better to error on the side of caution, than to find yourself in the back of a police car. Hang in there.

What skan said.

I repeat, what skan said. To the T, br549. Follow this advice to the T at all times.

Do not beat yourself up about not listening to others when you can now see they were right.

This type of betrayal is devastating and even more so when there is children involved.

Plus you loved your wife. You didn't leave the marraige. You never chose this. It was chosen for you. Im so sorry.

You need to mourn it, you must in order for you to heal and move on from it in the healthiest way possible.

But right now you are in the fight for your life and your children's lives.

Stay strong. Post here and listen to the advice here. These wonderful people on this forum have been exactly where you are. They know. They are like us.

Strength

My attorney sent a demand letter to the POS via courier so I know he signed for it.

If this guy chooses my wife, it would mean the following for him:

- Divorce

- Divorce attorney costs

- Lose money and home in divorce

- Lose custody of his 3 kids

- Large child support / alimony

- My Lawsuit

- Attorney costs for my suit

- Suit would be public record for rest of life

- Possible large civil award to pay

- Live with and support her mom

That seems like a lot to take on when I believe the guy is a serial liar, cheater. Just don't see it happening.

But, my wife still thinks they are going to be together... Could it just be her living in some fantasy world where she thinks that?

Life is crazy!

I just can't believe that I haven't really done anything wrong and I COULD lose my children. How can that be?

[This message edited by br549 at 1:34 PM, June 20th (Tuesday)]

I just can't believe that I haven't really done anything wrong and I COULD lose my children!!!! How can that be???

Because life isn't always fair. Because infidelity is NEVER fair. That fact that infidelity rarely plays into the factors of divorce is one of the most disgusting things that we have to tolerate.

We can divorce on the grounds of adultery, yet it has no bearing on the settlement. I don't get it.

So, with that said, are you just going to roll over? Of course not. This is where constructive anger can be your friend. Use it to detach emotionally from your wife. Get that hope of reconciliation out of your head. Believe me---if she was to change her ways, and return to you as your 'old' wife, then if there was still a hidden desire to reconcile, it will resurface. But you have to remove this desire to reconcile as a motivating factor.

Ask 5454real, who is a guide here, if the father always loses custody of his children. What you need to do is to continue to be the stable, loving, PROTECTIVE parent that you are. The rest of the pieces will eventually fall into place.

br549, I think the guy will cooperate to keep from being exposed and throw your WW hard under the bus. No "side ass" is worth getting dragged into a lawsuit for a serial cheater, especially when there are other gullible waywards out there.

Here's to hoping you get the outcome you want.

[This message edited by Jduff at 1:58 PM, April 30th (Sunday)]

Reading all of the stories and how the WS pretty much acts the same all of the time... It really starts to open your eyes.

I think one of the best pieces of advice for newbies (which I still am) is let time take it's course.

Like people on here have said, I feel myself changing as time passes. I was R with every fiber of my being. But, then you see your WS continue with this evil and it definitely starts to push you to the D.

The counselor told her that her kids are going to feel like she doesn't love them and that she abandoned them. How can anyone be ok with that?

For me, hearing that from someone other than me and it not having any impact. Pushes me down the road to D even more.

However, I'm sensing something with my WS. It may be nothing, which is ok, but I think she is freaking out.

Our temp custody hearing is next thursday. This is just a 15 minute hearing where a judge decides who gets the kids until the D is final. It's mainly about the situation, and it's basically all in my favor.

All she has is that she was "afraid" just like they all say and that I'm controlling. Yeah, I'm so controlling she had an affair for a year and I had no clue.

But, yesterday she sent me an email asking why I couldn't make mediation. I have decided there is no point (attorney says it won't impact me either way). She tried to manipulate me by saying that she couldn't understand how I didn't want to mediate the kids' schedule. I've DONE nothing WRONG! I shouldn't lose my kids because you are a horrible wife and mother.

Anyway, we had kind of a big incident yesterday (thursday) where she was acting selfishly again. But, I made her extremely extremely angry. Attorney's got involved.

However, today I sent her an email and said I'm getting tired of the email thing. Now, this was her idea. She said no more texting and we weren't talking really ever.

But, when I sent her that email she said we could talk. So, we had a brief talk that went fairly well. Just about kids stuff. That's how bad things have gotten. We only email each other even about kids stuff.

I sent her a quick text right after our talk which she responded to. But, then all of the sudden she is now texting me again. She sent me several texts. Again, they are about the boys and stuff but before she wouldn't do it.

I'm thinking she is really freaking out about the temp custody hearing. My attorney has said that he has never seen a case where the S moves out of the marital home and they end up with custody (unless the remaining S is a drug addict or something crazy)

She abandoned her kids for another man... He feels confident we'll win.

I'm just wondering if next week she cracks again. If you read back through, she cracked before, but she wouldn't agree to my demands. I thought I messed up, but I think that it was actually the best thing.

Now, if she does crack this coming week (and she may not because she is crazy), I don't think I will be changing my course. It would have to be big time. Although, I am afraid of the temp hearing no matter what is on my side.

[This message edited by br549 at 6:09 PM, May 6th (Saturday)]

Stay strong and keep on the path you have outlined for yourself. One way or the other it will pay off.

br549, are you documenting all of your WW's bad behavior?

^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^

I TRULY hope you have been documenting.

Strength

It's been a while since my last post.

I did win temporary custody of my children, but it was a crazy hearing. My wife accessed my personal documents and used them against me in court. Documents that were the result of the terrible trauma she inflicted on me. Me expressing myself, attorney stuff and my planning docs for me (I need to write stuff down to get it out of my head so I feel like there is some order or something). In the end, I haven't really done anything from the docs.

Even though I won temp custody, they got a guardian in place and I feel that she has been impacted by the documents my wife used.

The guardian, my wife and her attorney think I have said/done things to the kids. I just feel like they are against me and I'm walking on a razor's edge. Even though I haven't done anything to the kids. I love my boys and would do anything for them. Anything including accepting this woman back and putting in all of the hard work for R (and I know it would probably be hell for me).

The kids still think it's temporary because that is what my wife told them. I have just loved my boys and done everything I can to do what's in their best interest.

I've gotten better with the situation, but they made us go to co-parenting counseling. To me, the counseling seemed more like trying to convince me to accept 50 50 custody. My wife was blameshifting and gaslighting me. It was hard on me, and I didn't handle it the best.

For instance, they asked me what it would take to make me feel better. Asked me if an apology would work? I basically said that only R would be acceptable. For me, it was like they were asking me what it would take me to accept 50 50... an apology doesn't cut it for me in that light. Of course, I would accept an apology, but that isn't going to change my legal strategy.

As I said, I was doing better. Pretty much had detached. Then a couple of things happened before counseling that kind of brought me back. I don't want my wife. I just want my kids and the family whole. That might not make sense. But, I have faith in God. It's not about my wife. Probably don't even love her anymore, but I love my boys and the family and would do anything for them and it.

One thing I realized is that she is still in A. I don't think they are "active" per se. But, she or they are planning on being together. I asked her about it yesterday and she shut me down.

That realization gave me a new perspective. Even if the OM doesn't plan on anything, she believes it and she is still in A. In counseling, everything she said was a lie or deception.

She is still in A and I absolutely have to let go of the idea that my family is going to be saved. It's horrible for my boys.

But, I didn't do this... I just need to accept that my boys are going to be hurt and that I need to do whatever I can to help them and me move forward in their best interest.

Very very sad...

I'm assuming everyone would agree that she is still in A? That she is still doing everything that someone in an A does. Lying, deceiving, blameshifting and gaslighting. That I basically can't believe or accept anything she is doing.

That I just need to do the 180 and do what's in my boys best interest which does include work with their mom so that we can co-parent them.

I've DONE nothing WRONG! I shouldn't lose my kids because you are a horrible wife and mother.

^^THIS^^^

Unfortunately, sometimes the court doesn't see it that way, you can only do your best.

Protect yourself andlook out for dirty tricks as others have said.

br549 - I love your focus. You are doing what is best for your boys. They need at least one parent that isn't messed up.

Your WW is clearly messed up. As a mother, I couldn't fathom walking out on my kids. I just wouldn't do it. She is most definitely still in the A; or at the very least holding on to hope that they will be together. Its just not worth it to hold on to something that other person has already turned their back on. I get what its like to want to do what is best for your kids, but even if she comes back, what will the quality of the marriage be??

It's never going to be an easy road. Remind yourself to be a good Dad -- take the "high road".

Keep your faith. Be good to yourself. You are doing a fine job. Your boys will see that in the long run. They will be aware that you put them FIRST always; and that will be your biggest reward.

Take care :)

You are a tough nut to crack.

Your wife is in name only. Your wife also is defendant, and you are plaintiff. Your wife is your enemy in a court case.

The courts maybe before our lifetime used to look at every divorce and see who was at fault and who wasn't and the judge figured out what was fair. Then divorces grew and our state governments did not want to spend the money to figure out "who said, she said." He says he is a great dad and she abandoned him. She said he is a monster who controlled and made me fearful until I left. The judge can't figure out who's right and who's wrong, both parties provide boxes full of documents, and it gets messy and in the end no one but the spouses know the real truth.

So now you have what you have. You can complain all you want, but I suggest you would be better off locking down all your confidential documents, securing your digital and electronic documents, and not let your wife have a way to access them.

I suggest if your wife has hacked your email, if she has stolen your documents, that you file a police complaint for hacking or stealing. Let the police decide if a law was broken. Get your attorney involved and ask him. If that's not his area of expertise, ask for a referral to one who does.

Let your counselor and mediators that you are not going to make any deals unless your attorney signs off on it.

You are hurting yourself in your arguments sometimes, in my opinion. You tell counselors that you are not at fault and therefore you don't want to lose time with your children. I don't think it works that way. I think in the end they will decide what is best for the kids. If there is a guardian, I think they believe that both you and your wife are suspect. Maybe unhinged.

Maybe you are too involved, too invested. I get that it's your kids, but you have to stay calm. I have not seen any courts who tolerate well anger or raised voices. I think your arguments should be on why the kids is best to be with you, not that you did nothing wrong and therefore you shouldn't lose any time with them. I don't think the courts care if the kids have a big yard to play in; if so, it is a very small factor. The courts care who will love the kids, support the kids, and raise the kids to be safe and secure. If you look volatile, erratic, raise your voice, and argue with your wife in front of the courts, you look like you lack self control.

Your wife learned to be a liar growing up, and she has been practicing since. She is better at it than you. And apparently it doesn't give her a bad taste in her mouth when she lies, which probably you do. Given what I see here, you are going to be lucky to get 50-50. Personally, if you got that, and could get it in writing, I'd jump on it. Does your attorney advise you to keep your mouth shut with your wife? Go to the counselors and play the game, smile, be extremely pleasant and calm, and calmly and coolly say "I disagree, and I must get my attorney's advice before I sign any agreements."

I believe you that you love your kids and are the better parent. Courts worry also about who will get the blame if things go wrong. The court documents said both parents were argumentative and could not agree on anything. If you are telling the courts that you get 100% and she gets 0%, I'm not sure they are going to think if you are doing what's best in the interests of the kids. What percent of custody should your wife get? What do you think the court would do? What does your attorney say?

You are right. I need to and will do a better job. I spoke to my attorney today.

I have a hard time with lies and injustice, but I understand what I need to do.

At this point, I have full custody and my wife gets them every other weekend. My attorney thinks we are in good position, but I'm definitely hurting my case at the counseling session which I will rectify.

My main problem was that it felt like mediation instead of counseling. Now, if we begin to talk about custody, I will just mention that it's a legal matter for me and my attorney.

I do want to co-parent with my wife. I just believe it's in the best interest of my boys to be with me for a whole host of reasons. No revenge or punishment or anything like that. Truly in my boys' best interest.

And we are addressing the document stuff with the court.