ChrissyWissy,
What religious beliefs prevent you from telling the OMW?
It’s a genuine question. I’m religious and have immense respect for all religions, but I wonder what religion would condone supporting infidelity and maintaining a lie.
I do have a couple of (hopefully constructive) suggestions:
First: Don’t be afraid of being clear on what you want. At the same time; be realistic on what you can get.
I guess you WANT your wife not to be in infidelity, but realistically she’s there already. A realistic goal or wish for you would be that YOU got infidelity out of your marriage and life. That is a goal YOU can aim for and attain.
Once you have set that goal – to get out of infidelity – you can start the work of getting there.
Now – Imagine marriage like an elastic-band and you and WW are standing inside that elastic-band. As long as you two are moving in the same-ish direction the band might expand and contract in accordance with the distance between you two but you are both still within it. If one of you heads in one direction the other has a choice of standing still until the band breaks or move along with the other. The force of the pull plus the reaction of the one remaining motionless determines the result.
In your case your WW is pulling the marriage into infidelity. At best, you are standing still, at worst she is slowly pulling you along.
Pulling you into infidelity doesn’t mean she’s making you an active partner in the love-triangle. IMHO the most common “solution” couples find when dealing with infidelity is creating a situation where the infidelity is still active. Sort of where one spouse choses to believe Friday evening was a girls night out, that the bruise on her hips is really from the gym… Heck, the affair might even have fizzled out, but the couple chose to ignore the pink elephant in the living room and try to cohabit. With time this becomes the norm and everyone has a semi-normal life…
What you need to understand IMHO is that YOU are totally capable of pulling. YOU can apply pressure to that elastic-band and you can possibly pull your WW out of infidelity. But… you need to be willing to pull so hard that the band might break.
That’s why you need to be clear on what you want.
OK – So it sounds like you realize you need to let go in the hope she follows. That’s an important first step.
Another major step is to make everyone understand what you want and why.
Be very clear on this issue: “Wife. I do not want to remain in infidelity. While you are seeing OM there is active infidelity in our marriage. I refuse to remain in infidelity. While you are in infidelity the marriage is dead and the only aspect left is really the technical part of terminating it. I am willing to do a LOT to save our marriage, but I absolutely totally 100% refuse to share you. Until and unless you clearly tell me you want this marriage and are willing to accept the reasonable demands I have for accountability and work then I am simply assuming you have decided to remain in infidelity. I am moving on.”
That’s it. You don’t talk about the technicalities of divorce, no threats… just action.
You also tell your MIL. After all – she is a serious stakeholder in the marriage:
“MIL – My wife is having an affair. I refuse to live in infidelity and I have done what I can to save this marriage. She has chosen to stay in infidelity so I am moving on. I would appreciate whatever influence you can have on my wife to do the right thing, but I am moving out of infidelity. This will of course impact all our lives but I refuse to share my wife.”
Frankly you expose to EVERYONE that could possibly have any impact on your wife. You do it in a kind way:
“I am sharing with you that my wife is having an affair with OM. I am doing so because this affair is going to destroy my family since I refuse to share my wife. I would appreciate whatever impact you can have to make the consequences of an ongoing affair clear to WW.”
With these actions you have taken your first steps out of infidelity with the elastic band pulling your wife along with you. Chances are she will stand firm and refuse to budge. That’s when you need to evaluate whether to apply more pressure or to simply stand your ground. Just remember – as long as you stand still you aren’t pulling anyone out of infidelity.
Maybe you reach a point where the band gives way. It snaps… Well… honestly IF that does happen then YOU will be OK with that. It then becomes a question of if your WW will then finally scramble after you or if you will be content with this marriage being over.
Remember CW – your goal isn’t reconciliation or divorce. Your goal is to get out of infidelity.
